Post # 1
My in-laws and I have not always had the best relationship. In the beginning, I felt like they genuinely didn’t like me, and I had proof by the things they told DH. For example, they told him he should keep looking and not settle down too soon, and that they weren’t sure how compatible we were. I figured a lot of this had to do with DH being the oldest in his family and me being the first girl who was brought home. DH and I are married now, and I feel like his parents just started accepting me after the wedding.
DH has a younger brother who is in a relatively new relationship. He brought her to dinner to meet his parents for the first time this past weekend. She and I aren’t too much alike, as I tend to be a quieter more serious person, and she is outgoing and likes to party. DH asked his parents what they thought of her, and to my surprise, they said that she was great! They called her a joy to be around and said she was a beautiful person. This was rather shocking to me, since they were only around her for a couple hours. I suppose they were attracted to her outgoing personality, but I like to think there’s more to a person than how fun they are to be around.
I know I shouldn’t be so bothered by this situation, but I feel it’s unfair that I tried for almost two years before I won their approval, and now they are freely giving it to someone they only knew for two hours. Anyone go through something similar?
Post # 3
I’m sorry this happened to you!
Sometimes no matter how much we try to win someone’s approval, they just never get it.
I’ll be honest though, outgoing fun-loving people are much easier to get along with, and they open up much faster! Shy quiet people [me] are harder to break open!
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Maybe they realize that their standoffish behavior early in your relationship affected heir ultimate relationship with you once you married their son and they learned it in time to met their other son’s girlfriend. People play favorites and it’s unfair but that’s just how things are.
Post # 5
@jenilynevette: I agree that outgoing people can be easier to connect with in the beginning. However, I don’t think that means they automatically deserve everyone’s approval. The bit about her being a beautiful person just seemed like a bit much.
@beachbride1216: This could be true. I guess I should be happy for her that she’ll have it easier, but it still bothers me how much easier.
Post # 6
Any chance they feel bad about how long it took them to connect with you and are learning from their mistake? How is your DH’s relationship with his parents vs. his brothers? Family dynamics are complicated and I think as an in-law it’s easy to feel that it’s just you they like/dislike but I think sometimes a parents relationships with their children colors their views of their child’s SO.
Post # 7
@VtoM: @beachbride1216: This is exactly what I was thinking.
Just think of how awful and awkward it would be during family events if they didn’t like her!
Also remember that you could be the most beautiful, round, juicy, delicious peach in the whole world, but not everyone likes peaches.
Plus you worked harder for their approval. 😉
Post # 8
@caribbean_lover: I think the advice PP mentioned about them regretting how they treated you factors into this. My DH’s family didn’t even acknowledge we were dating until about year 3-4 bc they disliked the fact I lived out of state. His entire family lived in CA and AZ, and they were scared he’d would eventually move to LA to be with me. He’s a full grown man! Bc of this they kept me at an arm’s length until they realized I wasn’t going anywhere. When his older brother met and married his wife after dating her for only 6 months, they embraced her fully into the family. So yes, I understand where you’re coming from. I think you should focus on the relationship you have now with them rather than compare how they are treating your BIL’s gf to how they treated you. It will only serve to frustrate you.
Post # 9
This sounds like my life!! The only difference is my in-laws never disliked me. In fact, they have always been pretty nice to me and told FI that they like me. But then his younger brother started dating his now fiance about 2 years after we started dating. At first, they actually didn’t care for her that much. I mean they didn’t dislike her necessiarly but they didn’t LOVE her either and didn’t think the relationship would turn into anything (they were 17 at the time as well). But the next few years, things completely changed. We were all in college and when we would come home for summers or holidays, I was being pulled a million directions by his family, my huge family and all our friends. I tried to spend as much time with everyone but I split my time evenly. She comes from a somewhat broken home and basically moved in with his family during breaks so she was always around. They got closer while we grew apart. Some family drama started between my FI and his brother and his mother basicaly made comments how she prefers his brother and his fiance (still his girlfriend at the time, we were not yet engaged either). We didn’t speak to them for almot a year and even though now we have worked through it, I always now in the back of my head that his family is more supportive and likes them both better. Its especially hard because our wedding is in March and theres in September so it seems like all they care about is that wedding… I never even got “my time” because 2 months after my FI proposed, his brother proposed to his girlfriend so we’ve had to “share” everything and I get upset knowing she will get her time AFTER our wedding to herself. It might be stupid but I can’t help it! But ulitimately remember, you and your SO are all that matters!
Post # 10
@Everdeen: Also remember that you could be the most beautiful, round, juicy, delicious peach in the whole world, but not everyone likes peaches.
I am sure OP that there are people in the world that you dislike as well. As long as they are civil and accepting of you, which it sounds as though they are, you just need to accept it. Not everyone has to like you and not everyone will. Sorry but that is just life.
Post # 11
Sometimes there’s just an immediate connection or click due to a personality fit. It doesn’t make you a better or worse person when it does/doesn’t happen, just different. I have a friend, I met her through a mutual friend at a bar one night, and we had such a good time, she invited me on a getaway the next weekend. It was a total blast and I adored her from the minute we met, and we still go on semi-regular trips. Another friend, it took almost a year of working together and having meetings multiple times a week and multiple team bonding weekends over the course of the year before we got to a similar level of connection. I don’t love her any less, and she’s no less great of a person, it just took longer to build that relationship. So maybe she just had that connection right off the bat, and you’ll take longer to get there (since I doubt you’re seeing them as often as I saw that friend until we forged a strong relationship).
It is unfair. It does suck. But don’t read too much into it. Sometimes it just is what it is. All you can do is be you. And hopefully your relationship with his parents continues to grow until they too actively tout your virtues.
Post # 12
Thanks for all your responses. I know there is nothing I can do to change how they feel about me, but it feels good to vent. I know they accept me now, it just took them a long time. I’m glad we have the relationship we have now.
Post # 13
Your comment about her being a “beautiful person” made me laugh. About 15 years ago my cousin and I went to our grandparents’ house, and all they both could talk about was how awesome our older cousin’s girlfriend was (he had just brought her to meet them a few days earlier, but as we were visiting from another state we had missed them). For two days all we heard about was how pretty Brandi was, how smart, how funny, etc. My cousin and I were blood relatives and WE started to feel inadequate next to Brandi (who ended up breaking up with my cousin not long after so I never met her or even saw her picture). My cousin and I pretty much chalked it up to our older cousin being such a doofus alien that our family’s standards for would date him were super low. I assure you my cousin was no Edward Cullen.
I am super sensitive and this would hurt my feelings too. But maybe your BIL is like my cousin and your in laws are just so excited he has a girlfriend?
Post # 14
I hit it off with my in-laws right away. Despite having some huge differences in religion and general lifestyle stuff (they do NOT believe in premarital sex or living together, which FI and I do) they really love me and I feel the same about them. When the four of us go out to dinner there is a lot of laughing, talking, and losing track of time.
His younger brother had a girlfriend for a few years, and while they all liked each other she was very quiet, didn’t join in conversation well, and didn’t really give everyone the same chance to get to know her.
It isn’t anyone’s fault but they did like me more. They spoke more favorably of me (they never said a word against her though) and they look forward to spending time with me. Sometimes personalities click, and sometimes they don’t. That doesn’t mean that anyone is better than anyone else or that anyone has done anything wrong, that’s just human nature.
Post # 15
@caribbean_lover: I think pp’s have it right. I;m super outgoing so when I first met my SO’s parents I openly told them exactly how I felt. The fact that I am so honest made them immediately feel closer and like we would have a good relationship. They completely support my SO and I marrying even though we’ve only dated for a year.