Post # 1
Ok so I thought I was ok with this but Im not. I am pissed that they can [email protected]#$ing swoop in and mess everything up and make it seem like I am the bad guy?!
I will start from the begining now when we got engaged 2 months ago everyone was so excited for us or so we thought. Then the first weekend my Fiance makes a trip to his hometown his parents sit him down tell him he is making a mistake marrying me next year wtf?! I explained in a earlier post about what they tried to say was so horrible about us getting married next year. Now Ik so many ppl think Im crazy for wanting to get married in college but It would save me SO much money for school because according to FASFA you are a dependant until your 25 or married. Now my Fiance and I already feel like we are married and are commited to each other. Getting married in the eyes of the state wont change our relationship any but will give us the benefits of being married (more grants, combined finances). I think its a little low of his parents to threaten to cut him off just to get him to reconsider but uk wat fine they can threaten but we are still getting married because we dont need their help anyway. But it makes me mad that I had to compromise and push the real wedding (the wedding in the church and reception) and just have the JOP this summer…….I hate how they get more say in Our life then we do. HELLO! we don’t need you Step-mama Ny we can do just fine on our own. Its like they still see him as a kid when his is definitely no longer a little boy.
To be honest I don’t know why I am posting this maybe if I tell you girls I won’t totally blow up on his step-mom when we tell her our compromise…..and if she doesn’t like it she can just not come to either wedding……Wow I sound like a spoiled little brat. Im sorry girls for acting like this it just makes me so mad that they get the final say in OUR life. you know?
Post # 3
Ah, nothing like overbearing in-laws to ruin a fine day, huh?
And I disagree with you, they SHOULD NOT get a final say in your life. I know it’s easier said han done to tell them to butt out, but tell them you must. I don’t think it’s honestly meant to harm you, but I think they are worried and I mean, it IS their son. BUT I also think there is a very fine line between being a parent and being an overbearing jackass.
If I were you, I would sit you Future Mother-In-Law down, WITH YOUR Fiance, and tell her nicely this is your life. Your new, and exciting life TOGETHER and while you appreciate her opinion, she needs to know when to quit and let things unfold as they will. You need to let her know that you have absolute say in how things will go and when and she needs to realize this. I know it’s hard to do that, but if you want to live your life in peace, it’s gonna have to happen.
I do this with my FIL’s what seems to be like twice a week. Sometimes they agree, and sometimes they fight tooth and nail with me but regardless, I stick my ground and they know that while I’m open to hear what they have to say, me and my Fiance have the final say in everything.
So stop stressing and stop freaking out. Talk to your Fiance and see what you can come up with. There is no reason for you to be unhappy if there is something you can do to fix it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
Post # 4
I don’t understand….they threatened to cut him off, as in stop financially supporting him or cut him out of their lives? Because I think that once you get married, its pretty reasonable to not expect to be financially support by your parents anymore. That’s pretty normal. If they are threatening to cut him out of their lives, that is a whole different ball game.
And you didn’t explain why you had to compromise on the timing of your wedding, was this again due to their financial contribution? If not, then have it when YOU want it. And if so, well, figure out another way to do it when you want it without their contribution.
Maybe they think you should wait because college is the time when you are growing and changing as a person. They want to protect their son from getting married before he is ready. If the talk they had with him was simply asking him to reconsider getting married so early and not trash talking you or your relationship…I think a parent has that right to have that discussion with their college age kid.
There are a lot of factors here that would sway my opinion in opposite directions…but sorry you are at odds and hopefully it will work itself out, just be patient and kill them with kindness.
Post # 5
I think its a little low of his parents to threaten to cut him off…. HELLO! we don’t need you …..
im confused are they financially supporting your FI??
Post # 6
Is he an only child? Sometimes I think parents have a rough time letting go. It’s going to be a bumpy road so make sure you are buckled in tight and ready for it.
Post # 7
vent away! that’s what WB is here for!! the best thing you can do is go ahead with your plans, be happy, and that will just piss them off more than anything!
Post # 8
I’m sorry, I also feel I could have written your post 🙁 It’s no fun!!!!!
My future family is terrible at showing they WANT a positive part of our lives (FH hopes they do), I think they don’t. It kills me to know he isn’t their favorite kid, but they will never understand him living with me instead of closer to home, etc. I feel they want him home for family gatherings, etc but don’t give a damn to actually talk to him or me at these things, it’s as if we never showed up!
I also hate when parents threaten to cut off their adult children…. in our case, we certainly wouldn’t care! He has a job and we’re dependant on each other like we should be.
Post # 9
Thanks for all the support girls. And Im sorry in my rage I forgot to explain myself more. They threatend to cut him off financially which to me would be no big deal because all they pay for is his phone which cost them $10 a month because he pays for his texting already and his car insurance which we can totally afford on our own.
When he agreed that that was something he expected they went on to tell him that they were also thinking of cutting him out of the college fund that his entire family (grandparents, aunts, and uncles) set up for him and his brother to split equally (Legally I don’t think they can do this because it is set up in his and his brothers name and it is one of the government college fund accounts) When that didnt “scare” him enough they went on to say that he is no longer able to ask them for money even in an emergency. Now this pissed me off because Im sorry married or not my parents will always help me in time of extreme need (even though my parents make about half as much as his parents) Now of course this really worried my Fiance becasue he know that we only have a few thousand in savings so if one of us lost our job we might be put in a bind. But I told him my parents are ALWAYS there for us even if they themselves barely make it paycheck to paycheck, they will always find a way to help us out when we need it.
Since when does getting married mean your parent no long offer you a helping hand? Now if we really were in a bind I would NEVER ask his parents because they would hold it over our heads forever but the idea behind them refusing to help before we even need it is IMO very low and disrespectful.
Post # 10
we had to compromise the timing because they refuse to contribute to the wedding because it is so close to his brothers high school graduation (they are 2 months apart).
You see we wanted to get marriend late June 2012 but his brothers grad. is early May 2012. They said they would be too stressed to plan both “that close.” Mind you his brothers graduation party has like maybe 30 ppl there and its held in their house with no decorations and is a pot luck meal so they don’t even prepare the food! Now if his graduation was like mine was with with 150+ ppl and we did all the food ourselves I would totally understand!
The only thing they have that is of any real concern is that they have some family that lives out of state and would have to fly in for the grad. and then the wedding 2 months later. But like I said before he talks all the time about how that side of the family has so much money and and live in huge mansions. Now you cant tell me that flying twice in one summer is going to be THAT much of a burden on his family that sends him $500 for every birthday and christmas!
Hope that clears up some confusion
Post # 11
@futuremrsny: I don’t think his parents mean that they will NOT help him even in an emergency. I think that they are just at the end of their rope with him and desperately resorting to cheap shots.
In a way I can’t blame them. I was with my long-ago ex for 11+ years. Even after 11+ years our relationship didn’t work out. We were AMAZINGGGGGGGG friends for more than 6-7 years before getting into a relationship. We were great friends beyond that too. But at the end of the day, something just didn’t feel right. We felt we were ‘soulmates’ for the LONGEST time. I wouldn’t have liked it if my parents told me not to get married to him. (And they didn’t say that anyway.)
I think that no matter how long you have known each other, your parents will always want you to think LOGICALLY and RATIONALLY about marriage. Particularly if they have been ‘been there, done that’. You wanting to be a wife and mom is not logical or rational thinking. (It is wishful and hopeful.) And marriage cannot survive on wishes and hopes alone. Nor is getting a cut on your FAFSA loans a logical step. FAFSA is only for a short period of your life. Marriage is forever. (Or rather SHOULD be…)
I feel that you two are not making a sound argument to be married other than the fact that you love each other and wanna get married. He is FAR TOO YOUNG to be thinking marriage at this point IN HIS PARENTS eyes. And there is nothing BENEFICIAL the two of you are giving them to change THEIR perspective or make them feel at-ease about this union. It is true that it’s your decision in the end but they are only against this because they are not being convinced that you two are ready. And frankly, neither am I.
Furthermore, the fact that he got scared that they won’t support you guys in an emergency means that you two are simply not ready to get married. It is true you don’t need $1000s of dollars in the bank before marriage, but the fact that it scared him off marrrying knowing he won’t have his parents to fall back on is a big ‘iffy’ situation. Both our sets of parents make next to nothing. If we both lose our jobs, we are screwed. But yet we did not marry (or hold off on it) thinking that what if our parents can/can’t support us in an emergency?!
And second of all, if he can afford his own car insurance and phone bill, then why won’t he? I’d feel that would be the FIRST step to being independent of your parents. I can’t remember the last time my parents paid any kind of bill for me. Even during school! Your Darling Husband is not showing 100% responsibility to his parents.
Please take your time and do not rush. You will only be a mother when God wills it. You won’t get pregnant without the almighty consent. And as far as biology goes, you have MANY years still. Please build your nest egg instead first. And that’s when you will feel confident enough not even to THINK about getting ANY help from anyone incase of emergency. You will have a rigid bank account and thought process.
Post # 12
First let me say I’m very very sorry to hear what’s going on between you and your in-laws. I hate to see anyone go through this, because I have been through the ringer with mines and back a couple of times…LOL
Now as far as compromising: Well you are entering into a new family. and so is your future husband, and you will both need to compromise a lot. It does sound like his parents are being a little irrational, to try and get things to sway their way. When my big brother got married, (he was in college also) my parents no longer supported him, because he had to learn to be the man of his household; not because they didn’t want him to get married and tried to use it to bribe him. Which I think is COMPLETLY wrong. I have learned everyone will have their opinions, and give their advice, but it is up to you what you take from it.
If you know that you love him with all of your heart, and he is your future husband despite any antics, I say buckle down with your Fiance, and do everything possible to plan you dream wedding without their help. Let her know that you mean no disrespect, but you are going to get married, on the day you want, and you would love to have her and her family there, with support.
Post # 13
@Sasha2011: Thank you for your comment and you have given me a lot to think about. My question is what makes you (and obviously his famliy) think that we are not ready? I am honestly trying to figure out their side but they refuse to give us a straight answer as to why they think we are so far from marriage besides the age issue.
And like many other bees here it is obvious that age is not normally an issue (in my family alone 5 close family members got married before the age of 22 and are all still very happily married one being my parents for 24 years.) We have everything that any other couple in his familyhad when they got married; stable job, our own home, own cars, and we pay for our own bills aside from the insurance and phone but we are more then happy to pay for those as well. And it is obvious that we love each other and have know each other way longer then anyone else in his famliy has their spouse. Now in our hearts and minds we know this is right but how do we get his parents to see what we and my family sees?
What would prove to you Sasha that my Fiance and I are ready for marriage? Maybe you see this the same way as his parents and if I can understand your concern I may understand his parents.
Thank you for all your help.
Post # 14
I think the next step is for both of you to be completely financially independent of your parents. If you already own your own home and cars independantly, I don’t see why his car insurance and cell phone would be in their name. Its good that your parents would help you out if you needed it, but counting on it shouldn’t be a factor. I think its sounds like his parents just want him to be completely sure he is ready for such a commitment, when it is rare that many people so young are. If you both feel that you are 100% ready, then he should simply ask his parents to support his decisions and then you both need to make your own decisions. But I would find another way to have your wedding without their financial contribution. Have the wedding the two of you can afford to pay for all on your own.
Post # 15
So what I think that the deal can be, is that I read in a post of your’s that your FI’s parents got married and divorced at an earlier age, to later get remarried.. myabe that can have something to do with that? Just a thought.
Getting married to get some benefits to me is wrong. I do know what it means like living cheap, day by day, and trying to save some money for something special. So my opinion is that I think you should guys should marry eachoher when the reasons are for 100% right reasons. For love
Getting married for no other reason than the love of eachother is wrong imo.
Good luck and hope it sorts itself out!