Post # 1
Okay, so we picked my FI’s uncle to conduct the ceremony. He’s a great guy and would add some humor and it would mean a lot to me/FI since we are close to him and his wife. Never my FI or I are very religious these days, so it doesn’t make sense to have a priest that we don’t know, conduct the ceremony.
However, a couple nights ago, his parents, called my fiancee to tell him that they were coming down (they live hours away) to have lunch with us to discuss our decision to have the uncle as the officiant. My first response was to be pissy. They didn’t want to discuss it over the phone and they were being totally vague as to why they wanted to meet. So I told my fiancee that they needed to call us and talk it out with BOTH of us.
Last night they finally agreed to FaceTime us to let us know their position on the whole thing. They played it from the angle of both of FIs’ grandmothers being upset that we were having an outdoors wedding to begin with. (I had no knowledge of this, but it wouldn’t surprise me since they are religious.). So having the uncle officiant the ceremony would upset them further and make it seem “not real”. WTF?
The thing is…I feel like it’s just a personal preference of my bf’s father, but he is using that as a somewhat valid excuse. I agreed with my FI’s dad during the conversation, but I can’t help but feel as though I just caved because they are paying for our reception. Plus all of my grandparents are deceased, so I felt kinda of guilty not being able to see it from their side.
Am I way off base? Should I tell them that it’s my wedding and I don’t want a religious officiant? There has to be some type of compromise here, don’t you think???
Post # 3
It’s your decision, have your FI tell them to butt out. My mom really wanted us to use the Rabbi who married them, but our wedding is already in their city (none of my FI’s family, or either of us live there), hosted by them, they’re married and FI’s parents aren’t, they’re Jewish and FI’s parents aren’t, etc. So it was really important to us not to use their officiant because it’s OUR wedding, not THEIRS! I very nicely explained this to my mom and she was understanding and we found a nondenominational officiant that we really liked and all is well. I wouldn’t stand up to them yourself since they’re your FI’s parents, but I would have him do it!
Post # 4
@RunnerBride13: I’m totally on board with that. I think having my FI stand up to his father is going to be the big thing. I literally just talked to my fiancee about posting this and he suggested going to his grandmothers to explain the situation. That way, if this is just his dad’s issue, than his argument for keeping the grandmothers happy, will fall flat.
When you got married, did you explain to your parents that your FI wouldn’t feel right having a Rabbi marrying you two, because he’s not Jewish? (Ironically, the uncle that we want to do the ceremony, was in a similar situation to yourself. His wife is Jewish and he’s Catholic, so they eloped to avoid family drama. lol )
Post # 5
@mobiusbox: Well, I’m only half Jewish and I’m not religious at all myself. My FI’s mother is pretty religious (Methodist) but he’s not religious at all either, so it made sense to us that we wanted a very non-religious ceremony. The Rabbi who married my parents was willing to do a nondenominational ceremony, but he’s still a Rabbi! My FI and I both wanted to pick our own officiant, so it was really only an issue between me and my mother, but not a big one. She was really understanding once I explained to her why we didn’t want to use the Rabbi. She’s really pushy and controlling, so I’m trying my best to make sure my wedding is what I want! Our wedding hasn’t happened yet, but we’ve already hired our officiant so the case is closed.
I agree, have your FI talk to his grandmothers. If he explains that you two aren’t religious and want the officiant to be someone special to you, I bet they will be on his side. I basically don’t deal with any of my in-law’s drama, I have my FI handle it. Maybe in 10 years I’ll feel differently, but as of right now I let him deal! His mother was like “oh…. you’re not getting married in a church??” (ours is outdoors too) and he was like “NOPE!” and that was that haha!
Post # 6
@RunnerBride13: +1 my mom did the EXACT same thing! Now she’s on to asking if he’s going to break the glass? Um, no! This is not a Jewish wedding (I wouldn’t mind but FI doesn’t want to so that’s fine by me since um hello he isn’t Jewish!) We’ve got a Chuppah, Ketubah, a Unity Candle and a Reading from the Bible. I think we can call it even on covering the religious bases!
OP – This is one of the most important decisions and it should be what you guys want. I’m sorry but I don’t think any of his fathers excuses are remotely close to valid. This isn’t about what the grandmothers want, it’s about what you guys want! Sure, my grandmother wanted me to marry a Jewish guy, and I’m sure his grandmother wanted him to marry a Catholic girl and have a church ceremony, but it’s not about them!
When my mom pulled that shit with us, I just quickly found a JP we liked, put a deposit down and called it a day so she couldn’t say anything else about it. Your fi needs to stand up for what you BOTH want. My parents are paying for the wedding, but the JP is the 1 and only thing we are paying for – because we want the ceremony to be about us and to be what we want it to be.
I’ve been there with feeling you have to cave to who is paying, but stand your ground and pick the important battles so your wedding is still about you. Or else, you’ll end up regreting it! Wedding planning with parents is a learning process, you’ll figure out how to get what you want out of it, I did! 😉
Post # 7
At some point, you just have to decide what things are super important, and what things aren’t…if this means a lot to you, tell your future in laws that Granny is just going to have to grin and bear a non-religious ceremony, which should be a cinch since it’s likely she also make it through the Dust Bowl, World War II and the 70’s just fine….if it’s just one of those things and you can let it go, do it, and save yourself the trouble…honestly, I cannot remember ONE thing that our officiant said, what he was wearing, or even the sound of his voice….I was just alone in a moment with Mr. 99 and we were holding hands, the guy said something about a row boat and what do you know? We’re married!
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I agree with @Nona99: . The officiant and ceremony itself were hugely important to me. Writing my own ceremony was literally the very first wedding-related thing that I did. I had a first draft done before we booked a venue, got a photographer, etc. You can throw a huge party at any time, but it’s the ceremony that makes it a wedding. So for ME, that part would never have been up for negotiation. Period.
That said, you need to decide how important this issue is to you. Is this a “hill to die on”? In other words, is it worth the potential disagreements and ill will that could follow if you two choose to stick with your original plan. If it’s worth that risk because it matters that much to you (plural “you”= you and your FI), then speak up. No one else will.