His sister is cold and dismissive

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Gri:  I don’t know… she sounds like she has some social issues. Can’t he just write the thank-you to her and sign both of your names at the bottom? I think rejecting her gift would cause more drama than it’s worth, especially if you’re hoping that her attitude towards you and your marriage improves in the future.

Post # 4
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@allyouneedislove:  +1. Totally.

OP, it would be pouring gasoline on the whole thing if you ripped into him and made him return it. Let him write the thank you and just accept the gift.

Post # 5
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@allyouneedislove:  +1

She sounds emotionally stunted and as such, she needs more leeway than an average person.  Just kill her with kindness and make sure your husband handles all situations that involve her (like the Thank You cards).

I’m sorry you are in this upsetting position. I hope it improves as she gets more used to you being around. 

Post # 6
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would accept the gift, since it isn’t JUST for you, it’s for her brother as well. I know it’s not right, and her behavior is appalling, but at least you can be “in the right” instead of fanning the flames.

Post # 7
2209 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

She sounds jealous (I don’t really like using that word, but it seems the most appropriate), and I would imagine she doesn’t have the best self esteem if she’s still living at home in her 40s, even if she has a great paying career.  The socially awkward part doesn’t help so much, either.

However, this is your DH’s sister and she’s going to be in your life, in some way, for a long, long time.  Have your brother write the thank you note (like another poster said, this isn’t just a gift to you, it’s also to your DH).  Be civil to her when you see her, but don’t put any more effort than that into the relationship, and hope for no more than that from her in return.  If she starts to warm up, then maybe try to kindle a friendship with her.

I hope after a while the immature scowling will stop, but you never know with some people.

If you can, try to look on the bright side:  your husband agrees her behavior is not acceptable and therefore she won’t be coming over until she shapes up (AKA he’s backing you up, like he’s supposed to), and your MIL and FIL love you.  That’s more than many people can say about their in laws.


Post # 8
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Gri:  “…she has confirmed to them that she hates me, but is unable to explain why.”

People who use this kind of “logic” (hating people but can’t or won’t say why) are not worth your energy, family or not.

Post # 9
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I’d say let him write the thank you, then sign your name at the bottom or something. Maybe over time, this woman’s heart will start melting and she can put her jealousy aside.

Post # 10
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Gri:  she gave you a gift (and a generous one at that). You have to thank her! Ok, so we can assume that she gave the gift to her brother, not to you. But remember, she’s allowed to dislike you, and you’re allowed to dislike her, and we don’t always get to choose who our relatives and in-laws are. Unless she’s done something awful like threatened to hurt you, then you really have no case against her. Just take the high road.

Post # 11
1861 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hon, she sounds like she has issues that have nothing to do with you. Your husband and your husband’s parents love you and acknowledge that this woman’s opinion is not based in reality. You lose nothing and gain everything by doing your best to be a gracious daughter-in-law and wife in the face of this woman’s maladjustments. Accept the gift, let your husband write the note, you can sign it, and everyone can move on. Ignore her as pleasantly as possible — everyone will be grateful.

Post # 12
2516 posts
Sugar bee

@Gri:  You’re overreacting about the gift. You should absolutely never return a generous gift like that, and if you hate her that much, just ask your husband to write the thank you card. Don’t force your husband to choose sides. She’s family and he didn’t choose to be stuck with her, so that would be really unfair.

Post # 13
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999


I really feel for you OP…that is a really crappy situation. Her dislike of you really has nothing to do with you as a person….she is projecting her own disatisfaction with her life onto you. Your in laws and hubby realise this and love you….

I wouldn’t rock the boat with the return of the $500…it will just make things more difficult for your hubby and in laws. Just keep trying to be nice and make her welcome in your home(for you hubby’s sake) even if it kills you to do it….

I had a similar thing happen for the 1st few months of dating FI… I’m the youngest of 3 sisters…my middle sister just got married and I met my FI soon after. My oldest sister was in her mid 30’s and unmarried and didnt take it well that her younger sisters had paired up before her. She was pretty awful and dismissive towards my FI for a while until she met her now husband. It had nothing to do with her disliking my FI…it was all about her issues. It was a pretty bad few months…I can’t even imagine how your coping!!!

Maybe  you guys should encourage you SIL to try internet or speed dating….she might find a man a chill out a little and stop being a right B&@CH towards you!!!


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