Post # 1
I am not having my fiance’s sister as a BM. She is the only siblingin the picture for either of us, she is not close to either of us at all, she is much younger (still in high school) and I am only having one girl in the bridal party, my MOH.
Sister will get to be the greeter/keeper of the guest book because I want to honor her with an importnat role and she is very cute and bubbly and I think she will be good at it and enjoy it.
The first thing his sister said when she found out we were engaged was “Yay I get to be in a wedding!” When I started thinking about the bridal part I asked my fiance if it was a big deal or if anyone would be mad, he said no way and that she was just joking around.
His mom recently found out about this and was not happy. She said “What?! but you have to have [sister]!” After a few moments she added “Well I guess I shouldn’t judge but I just assumed….” And I got the vibe the other relatives in hearing distance were with her.
Am I a bitch for not changing my bridal party?
Post # 3
I think it’s part of bringing the families together, I would have asked her in hopes of becoming closer to Fi’s family. I know from experience how important family harmony can be and that it is so much easier on a new marriage. If it’s not an incredibly big deal for you to just have the one bm I would ask her if only to gain favor with mil. That’s just how I am!
Post # 4
@Solstice: What is her attitude? IS she a nice girl who supports you two or is she a FSIL from hell? If she is a nice girl who will love it then I see no harm making her a junior BM or a BM. Now she will not be able to pay for your shower but it would be a guesture of good will?
At the end, it’s your decision
Post # 5
I can’t imagine not having my sister and my FI sister in bridal party. By default, bringing two families together. Some expect it, others don’t. Everyone is different.
Post # 6
It’s not necessary and you are involving her elsewhere so I don’t see the problem. I have 2 sisters and a brother and FH has a brother and none of them will be in the wedding party. In fact one sister won’t be invited. If you want her there then that’s great but it sounds like you planned on just MOH which I believe should be your best friend.
Post # 7
No, you are not being a bitch. She just took it for granted to be included that way. In addition to the book, however, perhaps, during the ceremony you could have her read a passage from the bible or a poem or something about love and family. That would give her a place of honor. You could tell her, “I didn’t want bridesmaids, but would like you to do something very special for me and your brother. Say this poem during the ceremony. It would really mean a lot to us and both our families.” That way, she has a place of importance and no one will have a gripe with you. Here’s two that I like.
The Vows You Have Just Taken, Pledging Love
The vows you have just taken, pledging love,
Mean far more than words can ever mean.
May their gentle spirit in you move.
May your years fulfill the beauty of
The feelings whose expression we’ve just seen,
The vows that you have taken, pledging love.
May their gentle spirit in you move.
And not just you, but we altogether –
pledging love also –
A family blended through all of our lives.
May your children know the power of
These words to shape a world that’s safe and clean.
These vows that you have taken, pledging love.
I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.
But I can promise all my heart’s devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that’s ever true and ever growing;
A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.
As you marry, we become family.
Through all of the ups and downs life brings.
We are a family forever and our hearts today sing –
As you marry, we become family.
Post # 8
I say stand your ground and just have your MOH. I never understood why people had their SO siblings just because they were SO bro or sis and not because they were truly friends. I am having just my MOH and my own sister isn’t even in he wedding; we actually decided this week she would do a reading bc of the whole family drama around it. Maybe in addition to being the greeter, she can do a reading. This will make her a part of the ceremony/ reception without having her stand up beside you as a BM.
Post # 9
My is reading a beautiful poem by Bob Marley: ywelfare welcome to “steal” it…lol
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
Post # 10
@LuvMySailor — I honestly don’t know. We have only said a few sentences to each other (and I have been with my fiance for two and a half years). The sentences have been almost exclusively things like, “Please pass the milk.” If this seems bizarre, we live a few hours away and even though we visit often she is a busy teenager and not around much. I absolutely adore his parents and I am very close with them. His grandparents too.
I really do want to give her an important role in the wedding, thank you all so much for your ideas. I think that his mom was the one who cared the most and she is a very nice and understanding woman and I think she will appreciate me putting an effort into finding something important for the sister. I can even ask her for ideas I think she would like that.
Thanks for your support, bees! I just got really nervous after this conversation came up at Easter. Everyone just expects me to have hordes of girl friends lying around to have in my wedding party…well, not me. His grandma asked us what our friends were doing for jobs and after talking about a few of them she cut me off and said “Oh but what about your *girl* friends?” “…Ummm, I don’t really have any…” Seriously who cares what gender my friends are?
Post # 11
My FI has like seven sisters, though he only grew up with one of them (the rest were adopted to diff families). He has gotten to know more of them since we moved down to Los Angeles, and one of his other sisters actually lives with us now. However, none of them are going to be in my bridal party, not the one he grew up with or the one who lives with us. Although I love them, I wanted a small bridal party. They’re not offended.
Post # 12
Nope – I didn’t have my sister or DH’s sister in the bridal party. I had my closest friends standing with me, which is exactly how it should be. It sounds like you are including the sister in other ways – so I think you’re good.
Post # 13
it’s really to you. My wedding is going to have FI’s sister in it too. I initially didn’t plan on having her as BM. She was like a sister to me in the beginning of the relationship but she moved away a few years ago and I hardly talk to her much nowadays.
But I heard from his mom after we got engaged my FSIL got very excited and wants to be a BM jokingly. Given the situation, I am okay with having her as BM, even though I had more closer friends to choose from. Like a lot of PPs said, it’s a chance to bring two families closer.
I don’t think you will offend your FSIL by not asking her to be BM. Your MIL needs to get over it 😛
Post # 14
My opinion is your side should be people that support you and FI’s side those that support him…so if he wants his sister on his side, great! Otherwise, no need for you to change your side.
My FSIL reportedly first was stressed she’d be asked…then she was insulted she wasn’t, the she declined to be a reader because she didn’t think she’d fly in to the wedding in time to be at the rehearsal (short flight away). I had met FSIL 3 times in the 4 years, no way I was asking her.
Post # 15
Between me and my FI we have 4 sisters. I hadn’t really thought of having them in the bridal party (his are all older, so I felt as maybe they would think they were too old). We are planning on asking them to do a reading instead. They get to dress how they want and wouldn’t feel obligated to participate in all the pre-wedding things. I really didn’t want a large bridal party (I could have done without one at all but my sis and good friend would have been disapointed), and including all of his and my sisters (then he would have had to find three extra groomsmen) would have been too much for us. So I don’t feel just because she is a sibling doesn’t mean she has to be in the wedding party. There are many reasons to not include siblings.
Could you tell his mom and sister that you would have been honored to have her in the party but opted to keep things simple instead? Have you thought about giving her a more important role in the wedding? Like a reading instead?
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Stand your ground. I have a good relationship with FI’s sister, but she’s not in my bridal party- I’m keeping it to 2 girls I’ve known for 20 years. People will get over it soon enough.