Post # 1
Hello ladies! (and lovely gentlemen that may be here!)
I’m having a bit of a crisis and need some advice.
A brief background: My husband and I got married 3 & 1/2 weeks ago. We have been living 6 & 1/2 hrs apart for the last three years due to school and then work. Our initial plans were that my husband would give his notice and move here after the wedding. The Thursday before our wedding we found out my company is going bankrupt. The week after the wedding I found out my position with the company will end somewhere between August 1st and November 1st. My lease isn’t up until November and there is no job loss clause. Unless by some miracle someone wants to sublet my apartment, I’m responsible for the rent no matter what.
You would think we would be pros at being apart. We’ve been together for 8 years, and much of it has been spent in different places. But these last three weeks have been horrible. We’ve spent almost every weekend together, and I’ll be using my remaining vacation time with him. We are trying our best to make this work. But we are both miserable. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like giving up.
We’ve been together 8 years, and faced so many hardships, and in less than 4 weeks our relationship is falling apart. I know there isn’t an easy answer. I just am hoping someone out there will have some kind of advice to give to make it easier. I never thought I’d be spending my first 6 months of marriage apart.
Thanks for listening to me!
Post # 3
Can you go to him?
I am sorry that you are away from your love. You know what they say about plans?
It’s challenging to be thrown for a loop, but you will see that there is something good that is coming from this. You just don’t know what yet. You two are stressed and don’t see the next step, but there is one.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
You’ve made it this far and what is best will be.
Good luck. This economic situation is very challenging and can be stressful. But if you’ve overcome the distance in the past, you will do it again.
Think about what you want and not about the how. That’s not for us to worry about. Just think about what you want (without also noticing the current lack thereof) and you will naturally go that way. Think about what you want and about what it would feel like to have it.
You’ll be there soon.
Situations like this are opportunities for greater clarity about what you want.
Hugs Hugs and more Hugs!
Post # 4
Is there any way that you could sublease the apartment for the rest of the months so that you could move together with your husband? The guy that we’re renting from lowered the rent to sublease to us since he bought a new house and didn’t want to pay a mortgage and a rent. So he dropped the price of the rent by $200 so that people would be more willing to rent. Is that possibly an option? You could post on Craigslist for free. That’s how my fiance and I got our place now. Let us know what you decide.
Post # 5
Lots and lots of hugs. I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. My fiance and I have been in a similar situation for the last 5 years. Like you, we have been hoping to rectify the situation ASAP, but this economy really is not helping. So, we are still 92 miles apart. I can only imagine what 6.5 hours is like.
I know you didn’t plan to be in this position after the wedding. After the shock wears off and the facts reveal themselves (like when your position will end), it will become clearer what you need to do.
Hang in there. I know it’s tough. You’ll get all the wedded bliss you were planning on, just not quite yet.
Post # 6
You sound like you have a very strong relationship, everything is hitting at once, it always does. Try to see past the very immediate situation. Maybe you should move to him since you already know you’ll be losing your job. Sorry to hear that by the way, that’s very scary. It’s hard to see now, but spending money on rent for an apartment your not using is worth it to be with your husband! Keep your head up, you’ll move through this.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Oh no! I am so sorry about your situation. Hopefully you can sublet through November (and maybe subsidize part of the rent to get a sublessor faster!). I’d start looking for a job in his neck of the woods ASAP if I were you. It probably won’t happen right away in this economy (drag) but might as well start early. It’d be awful if you were both unemployed, so you might have to do the moving!
Post # 8
Find out if either of you can work from home (telecommute) 1-2 days a week so that you have that extra time together. This really is a shame but it’s short term not long term.
It will get better, you just need to get through this period.
Post # 9
I think that if you have vacation left- you should save that for when you do have to leave your job- then you have that extra money which could help pay for the rent if you dont find a subleaser- i don’t think that you should be taking vacation when you know your position is going to be eliminated- that way you have money to pay for things now- or have extra money for when you will be looking for a job- you should start looking now
Post # 10
One of my very good friends had to be long distance during the first 8 months of her marriage. She said that was much harder than all the years of long distance leading up to the wedding.
I did long distance for 2 years (before we were engaged), so I know the challenges (though not within marriage). As part of surviving that difficult time, I found a website that helped us work through some of our issues. Here is the link:
Post # 11
does he have a good job??
Post # 12
LD marriage for some period of time is very common in my field. We’re actually going to be doing it for the first year also (unless he gets fed up or we win the lottery, he quits, and moves out to DC with me). But this is a decision we made. It would be very frustrating if soemthing beyond our control forced a longer separation on us than we watned. I voted for quitting and moving to find a job with him, but I don’t really know the circumstances that made you initially decide the other way around. Does he hate his current job? If you quit and move out there, it may make him feel more trapped in it. I think in the end you should do what feels right, even if that means forfeiting a few months rent (assuming it doesn’t break you financially). I quibble with your poll b/c I don’t think it would be irresponsible to decide that being together is more important than working apart until Nov 1. It’s a very personal decision, and there’s nothing wrong with weighing your emotions and relationship heavier than your finances.
Post # 13
What about this? Both of you start ‘resume-bombing’ in both places – where you currently live and where he currently lives. That way, you may know within a couple of weeks which job market is going to be better and which city would be the better option for you.
Also, what is his living situation? Would he have to sub-lease as well? Sell? Or can he move with no strings attached?
Post # 14
I will also tell you that if you break your lease, and your landlord finds a new tenant (rather than you subleasing), the landlord cannot legally seek rent from you. As long as he gets the money one way or another, he can’t ask for rent from you. Also, the landlord may be willing to negotiate with you — perhaps he’ll let you out of the lease for a small penalty payment?
Post # 15
Thank you everyone! I appreciate all the kindness!! 🙂 I wrote this post last night and then I read the other links about long distance and had a wake up call. There are so many people who are dealing with long distance because their loved ones are in the service. They can’t be together, for years, and here I am sad for a few months.
Our circumstance isn’t perfect. All of this happened very quickly and has left us reeling. But I know we are strong enough to deal with this. Unfortunately I live in Michigan. My husband has been actively looking for work here since January. His job is unstable at best, but at least he’s still employed. If I leave my job before August, I will lose my severance package, and it’s enough money to deter me from leaving my job prematurely.
I’ve already gave my notice to my apartment, and am looking for someone to sublease my apartment. Unfortunately many of the people in my area are employed by the same company. I also found out that there is no way to break my lease legally. Even if I leave and forfeit my deposit, I’m still liable for the remaining term of my lease. So I’m hoping that we will have luck!
We are just going to try to do the best we can, and at this point if my husband lost his job it would be a blessing. I think we are the only people in the whole country hoping to lose a job! Thank you for all of your wishes and kindness! I love the hive for exactly this reason. Thank you so much!!!