Hive, I messed up super bad with my brother… (sad vent)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

As someone in recovery, I have learned through my program that life goes on even though I don’t drink or use. I put my recovery before anything else in life. I do not hang out in bars, I don’t hang out on street corners, and the majority of the most important people in my life are in recovery.

 

that being said, your brother is doing well In his recovery, one day at a time.

 

People get married. you are having a social. He most certainly can attend if he wants. He does not have to drink. Maybe you can tell him to invite his Sponser to tag along so he has someone close to him who offers unconditional support. 

 

life is in session. Your brother will make his decision. You should not feel bad for doing something special in your life that includes your family and friends and drinking. 

I choose everyday not to drink and I have a god in my life, and meetings for support. I haven’t had a drink in many years. I can go anywhere I want in life today and I do not have to drink.

me and your brother are free TODAY.

 

GO ON WITH YOUR PLANS. Have the time of your life.

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

The issue with going to the social is that there would be alcohol there, right?

You were thinking about him being there and spending time with him, not the substances at the social that may cause temptations and other problems. It’s his responsibility to think about where he can and can’t go and what he can and can’t do, not you. You were just inviting your brother to an event.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a simple mistake, if it can even be called that. You’ve done nothing wrong. 

Post # 5
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MrsRevolutionize:  That’s awesome that your brother is doing so well in coping with his addictions. I don’t think you did anything malicious- you were completely well-intentioned and just wanted to include him. Just like he is learning to live in a world without alcohol and narcotics, you are also adjusting to his needs and lifestyle (I don’t know that that is the right word, but I can’t think of a better one). 

I think you should have called him back, rather than using your dad as a messenger and say “Hey, I’m so sorry that I put you in that position on the phone. I really wasn’t thinking about what I was saying. I’m so proud of you for all that you have accomplished and I’d hate to put you into any uncomfortable situations. How would you feel if my FI and I took you to dinner next week as a pre-wedding celebration?” [obviously said dinner wouldn’t include alcohol]

Try not to beat yourself up too bad over this. Do your own independent celebration maybe with your super immediate family and that way you don’t have to worry about your brother feeling excluded when you do your big social event. 

Post # 6
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you are being really hard on yourself. It was a simple mistake and you did not mean it in a malicious or hurtful way. 

Post # 7
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t beat yourself up about this. Really. Yes, you probably could have approached things a bit more gently, but I think it would have been worse to not invite him. That would be telling him that you don’t think he can handle it. By inviting him you let him make that decision. Which is appropriate. Honestly, I bet he’s glad that you still think of him primarily as your brother and not as a recovering addict. Yeah, it was awkward for a minute, but that’s not the end of the world.

I’d take some time to calm down. Then call him and tell him that he’s definitley welcome, but that completely understand if he isn’t ready for a sitation like that. Same for the wedding. Give him the opportunity to decide what he can handle and then support whatever decision he comes to. You’re clearly a very caring sister, and I’m sure your brother knows that.

Post # 9
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am not sure what you did wrong here. You don’t have to have a dry wedding on his account.

Post # 12
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MrsRevolutionize:  You sound like a good sister. It’ll be ok. He’s lucky to have someone as concerned as you.

Post # 13
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MrsRevolutionize:  Make the wedding optional to your brother. Tell him if he wants to just come for the ceremony, you’re happy to have him. If he wants to come to the ceremony and dinner, you’re happy to have him. If he wants to come for the ceremony and back at the end of the night to see you and your new husband off, you’re happy to have him. 

My brother has mental health issues, so I’ve really been trying to emphasize that if he is not up for the wedding that day, I won’t be upset if he feels that he can’t make it. Just emphasize that you’re happy to have him in whatever capacity he is comfortable with. 

Post # 14
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry you feel so badly.  I also think you’re a wonderful sister for being so considerate.  With that said, people in recovery need to learn to cope in a world with temptations; it’s the world we all live in.  I am speaking as a person in recovery.

Post # 15
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Mammy:  +1, and I wouldn’t assume that he was offended he could have just said, “guess what MrsRevolutionize just told me…” though it’s probably given him something to think about. next time you talk to him, I’d also tell him he can bring a sober friend and leave early (really early, if necessary) if he’s feeling uncomfortable. He’s probably more concerned about still being included in your celebrations and doesn’t want to let you down.  As a sober/clean member of society, he’ll have to face these situations at some point.

A lot of non-alcoholics/addicts don’t automatically see the link between substances. Even if your brother isn’t an alcoholic, if he starts drinking it’s SUPER likely that he’ll go back to drugs. Or wind up drinking a lot to replace the drugs. Just don’t suggest that he just have one drink. EVER.

I will say that, if he’s connected with other program people, he’s probably having a great (though challenging) time and shouldn’t be pitied. My life started when I got sober, and sobriety is awesome. A slogan from one of the 12 step programs is, “don’t take yourself too damn seriously.” 🙂

sorry for any typos – sent fom my iPad.

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