Post # 1
I’ve got kind of a unique situation that I figured the Bee might be able to give great input on. As many of you know, I was previously engaged and that ended over a year ago. We met in college and he was part of my group of friends which comprised of a mix of guys and girls. Through the years, a core group of us have stayed good friends after graduation. Though our breakup was tough, it didn’t really surprise anyone and over time, with a few hiccups here and there, we’ve managed to keep our friendship intact.
He revealed to me today that he’s realized lately that he has pretty strong feelings for a girl in our group of friends. It’s funny, because back when we were first dating she was the only person I ever felt “threatened” by when they would spend time together. I always sensed there could be something there. I have NO clue if she feels the same, but I wouldn’t be surprised. They have similar personalities, and I think complement one another quite well.
I know it’s weird, considering he’s my ex-fiance, but I am ecstatic at the thought of the two of them ending up together. She’s amazing, and hasn’t had great luck in relationships. And he’s someone I used to love very strongly, and I want him to be happy – especially now that I am so insanely happy with my SO.
He’s waiting for the right time to talk to her about it.
Do you guys think I should wait for that to happen and see if she brings it up to me? Or should I talk to her once I know he has and how the conversation went?
I just don’t want her turning him down out of an idea of loyalty to me, when it’s something I definitely would like to see happen.
Post # 3
@MissCalifornia: Trust me…if she’s right for this guy, you and your past with him won’t even cross her mind. I wouldnt do a thing unless she came looking for my blessing..or whatever, but that’s weird, its not like you guys were married…I’m sure it will be fine
Post # 4
@MissCalifornia: I gotta disagree with Nona. If my friend’s ex-fiance came on to me I would say bye immediately…. or at the very least go ask my friend.
If he’s open to it, I would suggest you making a set-up. Something like “Hey Jane. I was talking to Ex the other day and thinking about how similar you two are. Would you ever be interested? Because I think you’d make a great couple.” or whatever you’d say to a friend about another friend you don’t have history with.
Post # 5
I totally disagree with Nona99. If an exfiance of a friend of mine approached me I would turn him down immediately out of loyalty to my friend. So I think it’s a great idea that you give her your blessing beforehand.
Post # 6
I would definitely mention it because if she is your friend, your feelings would most certainly cross her mind if your ex-fiance made a move. Keep in mind not everyone is going to really understand your current relationship with your ex. Some people may say they are really okay apart and “just friends” but they secretly harbour a desire to get back together.
I would definitely say something to the effect of what lia suggested. I have a friend who ended up marrying one of my ex-boyfriends – granted we dated in high school and were never engaged or anything – but they started dating not too long after we broke up and we had a chat about it. They were WAY better for each other and it ended up being wonderful. We were all within the same circle of friends and it was much better just to have it out in the open.
You all care about eachother – better to make that clear than let any uncertainty turn into resentment or other negative emotions.
Post # 7
I don’t think she would go ahead without your approval for the sake of your friendship.
While I may not go as far as to set them up, when you’re with the group, maybe pull her aside and say something along the lines of “Hey, I know this is random but I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I think you and <guy> would make a great couple. You should think about it.”
That will open her up to asking you if he’s interested or letting you know that she’s absolutely not having it.
Kudos to you for being mature about this and genuinely caring for 2 great friends!
Post # 8
I also disagree with Nona99. I’d turn a guy down right away if he’d even seriously dated one of my good friends, much less been engaged to them. It’s even more complicated that you guys are in the same circle of friends still. So I think your blessing will be important to her. I like Lia’s idea. That lets her know that you’re okay with it and even happy about it 🙂
Post # 10
@MissCalifornia: I think it is so incredibly awesome and mature of you to be so cool about this!!! Too many girls would be way too jealous for no reason. Kudos for being an adult :). That being said, I think it all depends on what your relationship is like with her. If you two are close, then I would defintiely say to approach her! However, if you two are more like friends because you have the same friends – then I would maybe wait a bit. Defintitely communicate to your ex that you love this idea, and you support him!!
Post # 11
I would tell him that I’m cool with it and then if he approaches her he can mention you are aware of his feelings and perfectly fine with it. If you’re all close, that shouldn’t be too weird. And if she’s a good friend she may have hesitations about acting on his/their feelings without your knowledge/approval so I wouldn’t keep quiet. After their conversation you guys can talk if need be, but I think it would be less awkward for him to mention it than for you to approach her before he does, and that way she won’t shoot him down on account of your feelings.
Post # 12
Yeah I would probably say something… if my friend’s ex-FH wanted to get somehow involved with me, I’d be pretty hesitant. My ex-FH approached a friend of mine for a fling/FWB type of thing and she texted me about it first and I gave her the go ahead… but someone a little shyer than her might just say no to avoid any drama in the first place.
Definitely tell her it’s cool!
Post # 13
I think you should pull her aside at some time and just tell her that you are ok with that and they have your blessing with whatever they decide to do. To echo what the majority of PPs above me said, if my friend’s ex-fiance approached me, I wold totally turn him down if I didn’t have my friend’s approval first.
Post # 14
@Nona99: +1. I completely agree. If it was my own happiness at stake, I would privilege that over a friendship. My life partner is more important to me than anyone else.
ETA: looks like I’m the only one who agrees, lol. Misguided loyalty wouldn’t get in my way if I thought someone was a true match for me. Having said that, I don’t care for sloppy seconds anyway so it’s unlikely I’d be with someone my friend had sex with.
Post # 15
I second what PP’s have said. Maybe just casually mention to her that you think they would be good together & if she has ever thought about it. It’ll put the thought in her head, and let her know that your cool with it…. I would also never ever indulge a guy that even dated, much less was engaged, to my friend without asking her. Even then, the asking part is what’s most awkward so maybe putting the idea out there would be less weird for all involved. Then your still mindin your own business without trying to dictate what happens for them both, just genuinely interested in their future happiness…
Post # 16
@MrsPanda99: I agree that a friendship would not come in the way of my life partner. However when my FI & I first started dating I had no idea he would be my life partner, and many people start out just casually dating before they realize there is something deeper there….