Post # 1
I have a few male friends that I care about a lot. They sitmulate me mentally and challenge me in debates. They seem me as in intellectual equal.
I won’t lie and say that isn’t tittilateing in and of itself. And we do flirt with each other in a cerbral way. All of us are in happy relationships, none of us would ever cheat. The most that has physically happened between me and any of them is maybe a twirl around the dance floor and a hug or peck on the cheek.
Now SO has never had a problem with any of that. He trusts me and my friends. We go out with each other often and usually leave our partners at home. I think in all that time only once years ago has another girl ever been jealous of my friendship with any of those men. She wasn’t around for long after the problem was made known. I honestly don’t even remember her name.
Sometimes I DO bitch about things to them…not about SO in general, but there are times when I have complained about him. The boys usually give me some sort of advice to fix the problem, and we go about our usual chat after that.
SO rarely attempts to debate about anything, we have no long talks over scientific things or really anything mentally challangeing.
If I find that the lack of such is borthering me I usually call the boys for a night out and I’m fine for weeks after.
Does any of that sound unhealthy? Is that weird? SO, is the love of my life. But I am now noticeing I don’t go to him for everything. My talks with the boys make me feel sexy in a different way. Like I am attractive for my mental ability.
Is that bad? That I don’t go to SO for that? Because he has never showed any interest that way?
Post # 3
My SO have hashed out the fight that ‘you can’t be my everything’ a couple of times. I’m a biochemist, he’s an accountant. He tries, but he just doesn’t understand what I do on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s just really nice to talk to someone on your level and in your field. I think it’s healthy to have a social network that fufills your intellectual needs. Your SO doesn’t have to meet all of your needs and if you are capable of getting them fulfilled elsewhere and still happy in your relationship I think you’re fine.
Post # 4
I don’t think so, Your SO is your soulmate not your twin! If i was your SO I wouldn’t have a problem with you going out for a scientific talk with others of the same mind, because I would know I couldn’t compete and keep up with you!
Post # 5
@happyface: +1. Well said.
Post # 6
No single individual can possibly satisfy every emotional, mental, spiritual and physical need of another, it is impossible….building and maintaining relationships that enrich and fullfill your life is not only healthy, but necessary! I am very much the same way, and I love Mr. 99 to Hell and back, that’s a fact! But he’s not really an intellectual guy on any plane, he’s a get er done, change my own oil, fixed it with duct tape kind of guy and I find myself so attracted to it that sometimes when he tries to fix something around the house he finds me “distracting” him with other activities….but that doesn’t diminish my intellectual capabilities or interests in the least, and for those kinds of things I go talk to a lot of my old college friends, most of them men, and we wax intellectual for a couple of hours over some damn thing Mr. 99 would use for fishing bait and then I go home to my hard working do right man.
It’s worked for us for years, don’t stress it!
Post # 8
The reason this all came up, I was reading one of those silly cosmo like advice columns about relationships and one girl was all in a tizzy because her boyfriend said he couldn’t talk to her about his engineering job because she wouldn’t understand it, so he talked to his coworkers, one of them was a woman. And she was all yelling “emotionaly cheating!”.
And I was like “But for the grace of Newton…” Ha! Slightly kidding, I’m agnostic.
Post # 9
The only thing that sounds unhealthy about it is that it makes you feel sexy to talk to these other guys. It’s one thing to have friends with different interests, or any gender, but its another to want them to make you feel sexy or desired? Know what I mean?
Post # 10
@kerensa: Yeah thats kind of what I was thinking too. I mean I adore my friends. I adore their girlfriends. I’d never do anything to jeprodize any of our relationships.
But it’s kind of weird. Now I’m not entierly sure my friends know it makes me feel sexy to talk to them like that. Though I think they do sometimes. Like..I’ll say something about reproductive rights and I am woman hear me roar type thing…and one of the guys will say something like “Well doesn’t someone have her kinky boots on tonight” and I’ll make a joke like “Oh be still my beating heart! That such an exquiste specimen of a manly man has come to put me in my barefoot place!” que dramatic flop into a chair and fanning myself with a napkin.
It’s all funny. It sometimes borders on sexual jokes. I really LIKE that kind of thing. It makes me happy and sometimes, I get a bit randy and go home and do naughty things to SO.
Post # 11
I mean Im not trying to make a problem if there is not one. But I want to keep an eye out for things that have the potential to be bad, not that it WILL go bad but…
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
My fiance and I are really non-jealous people, we have a bunch of friends of the opposite sex, and I can be a total (usually accidental) flirt – which he has no problems with. So this all sounds familiar and totally innocent to me.
The only thing I might worry about, were I you, is if your guy can really keep you happy for life without the kind of mental stimulation you need… You sound smart (hello fellow scientist! ) and engaged. I’d like to consider myself the same way, and one of my favorite things about my guy is that he definitely engages me on that level.
ETA: Oh wait, a PP is a biochemist, not you. So much for reading comprehension.
Post # 13
@HelleCat: Honestly, I don’t think the intellect is the problem then, you feel confident about yourself when you flex your brain for people who appreciate the intelligent and fascinating woman you are…SO’s disinterest in those kinds of pursuits has left you with no way to show off in a way you feel good about….so there’s actually a very necessary element of foreplay missing for you.
I’d start off REALLY slow, like a game of strip trivial pursuit, or even strip chess, but finding a way to let SO know that for you smart = sexy, is important!
Post # 14
So, uh, just out of curiosity, do you have any female friends with whom you have intellectually stimulating conversation?
To my mind, this whole dynamic of “let’s leave our partners at home and have a boys night out, only I’m not really one of the boys, and oh my, all this scintillating conversation is getting me all worked up” is childish at best and playing with fire at worst. Why not have your friends and their SOs over for a dinner party or all go out for drinks together and cultivate friendships with their girlfriends, too? From what you’ve described it sounds like you’re trying to toe the line while still getting your attention-fix from a bunch of guys whom you find more stimulating than your SO. I completely understand that you must want an outlet for thought-provoking conversation if your SO isn’t particularly cerebral, but the fact that it’s so wrapped up with the opposite sex, being the lone girl in a group of guys, and feeling sexy gives me pause.
I think you should try to develop friendships with other women of an intellectual bent and aim for more gender parity when you hang out with these guys. Trust me, men are not a requirement for debate and witty conversation, and maybe once you stop associating stimulating conversation with being “one of the boys” and view it as an integral part of friendships with both men and women, that little voice that keeps worrying about whether or not what you’re doing is innocent will calm down.
Post # 15
@mrssrm: Wow. I think you took that a little too far.
Yes most of my friends are guys. Yes sometimes I hang out with just guys. That is not all the time or most of the time. I never demand that my guy friends leave their women at home so I can be a lone wolf and prey on them at my will. If their girlfriends/wives show up, then they do. Our conversations don’t change if they do. I say “boys night” because that means I’m not going out on ladies night and singing at the kareeokee bar with my girlfriends.
My girlfriends are smart, some of them are headed to the top of their feilds. But unless she is talking about cutting hair to exact say…golden spiral porportions, I’m not all that interested in the science of cosmotology.
Post # 16
OP- I don’t see a problem with anything you’ve described, except that it bothers you (?). From what I’m reading it’s not that your guy friends “turn you on” rather that you feel empowred and sexy when you have intellectually stimulating conversations. Your SO meets many of your needs but having this particular type of conversation is not one of those needs he can meet, however, he IS the one whom you express your amorous feelings too…I don’t see how that is wrong. About the flirting: sometimes people flirt, it’s pretty normal and as long as it’s all innocent then I wouldn’t worry.