(Closed) Hmm. Not a problem, but questions.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My SO have hashed out the fight that ‘you can’t be my everything’ a couple of times. I’m a biochemist, he’s an accountant. He tries, but he just doesn’t understand what I do on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s just really nice to talk to someone on your level and in your field. I think it’s healthy to have a social network that fufills your intellectual needs. Your SO doesn’t have to meet all of your needs and if you are capable of getting them fulfilled elsewhere and still happy in your relationship I think you’re fine.

Post # 4
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think so, Your SO is your soulmate not your twin! If i was your SO I wouldn’t have a problem with you going out for a scientific talk with others of the same mind, because I would know I couldn’t compete and keep up with you! 

Post # 5
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@happyface:  +1. Well said.

Post # 6
5967 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

No single individual can possibly satisfy every emotional, mental, spiritual and physical need of another, it is impossible….building and maintaining relationships that enrich and fullfill your life is not only healthy, but necessary!  I am very much the same way, and I love Mr. 99 to Hell and back, that’s a fact!  But he’s not really an intellectual guy on any plane, he’s a get er done, change my own oil, fixed it with duct tape kind of guy and I find myself so attracted to it that sometimes when he tries to fix something around the house he finds me “distracting” him with other activities….but that doesn’t diminish my intellectual capabilities or interests in the least, and for those kinds of things I go talk to a lot of my old college friends, most of them men, and we wax intellectual for a couple of hours over some damn thing Mr. 99 would use for fishing bait and then I go home to my hard working do right man.

It’s worked for us for years, don’t stress it!

Post # 7
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@Nona99:  +1000!

Post # 9
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The only thing that sounds unhealthy about it is that it makes you feel sexy to talk to these other guys. It’s one thing to have friends with different interests, or any gender, but its another to want them to make you feel sexy or desired? Know what I mean?

Post # 12
9218 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

 My fiance and I are really non-jealous people, we have a bunch of friends of the opposite sex, and I can be a total (usually accidental) flirt – which he has no problems with.  So this all sounds familiar and totally innocent to me.

The only thing I might worry about, were I you, is if your guy can really keep you happy for life without the kind of mental stimulation you need…  You sound smart (hello fellow scientist! Smile) and engaged.  I’d like to consider myself the same way, and one of my favorite things about my guy is that he definitely engages me on that level.

ETA: Oh wait, a PP is a biochemist, not you.  So much for reading comprehension.

Post # 13
5967 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@HelleCat:  Honestly, I don’t think the intellect is the problem then, you feel confident about yourself when you flex your brain for people who appreciate the intelligent and fascinating woman you are…SO’s disinterest in those kinds of pursuits has left you with no way to show off in a way you feel good about….so there’s actually a very necessary element of foreplay missing for you.  

I’d start off REALLY slow, like a game of strip trivial pursuit, or even strip chess, but finding a way to let SO know that for you smart = sexy, is important!

Post # 14
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So, uh, just out of curiosity, do you have any female friends with whom you have intellectually stimulating conversation?

To my mind, this whole dynamic of “let’s leave our partners at home and have a boys night out, only I’m not really one of the boys, and oh my, all this scintillating conversation is getting me all worked up” is childish at best and playing with fire at worst. Why not have your friends and their SOs over for a dinner party or all go out for drinks together and cultivate friendships with their girlfriends, too? From what you’ve described it sounds like you’re trying to toe the line while still getting your attention-fix from a bunch of guys whom you find more stimulating than your SO. I completely understand that you must want an outlet for thought-provoking conversation if your SO isn’t particularly cerebral, but the fact that it’s so wrapped up with the opposite sex, being the lone girl in a group of guys, and feeling sexy gives me pause.

I think you should try to develop friendships with other women of an intellectual bent and aim for more gender parity when you hang out with these guys. Trust me, men are not a requirement for debate and witty conversation, and maybe once you stop associating stimulating conversation with being “one of the boys” and view it as an integral part of friendships with both men and women, that little voice that keeps worrying about whether or not what you’re doing is innocent will calm down.

Post # 16
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

OP- I don’t see a problem with anything you’ve described, except that it bothers you (?). From what I’m reading it’s not that your guy friends “turn you on” rather that you feel empowred and sexy when you have intellectually stimulating conversations. Your SO meets many of your needs but having this particular type of conversation is not one of those needs he can meet, however, he IS the one whom you express your amorous feelings too…I don’t see how that is wrong. About the flirting: sometimes people flirt, it’s pretty normal and as long as it’s all innocent then I wouldn’t worry.

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