Post # 1
So, DH and I have been married for almost 1 year and we have had a lot of ups and downs particularly since we had a very difficult engagement, issues of which still come up to this day. I know I should leave the past in the past but it has just brought up some bitter feelings and I can’t seem to let go of them… especially where MIL is concerned.
Now DH is talking about having kids and I have said that I am not ready partly because of the MIL issues and our constant fighting as well as just not being mentally ready… he asks me why we bothered getting married? we have been together for a few years and married for 1 so why am I wasting his time?
I just worry with all the fighting and insecurities that I have and how awful it would be if a child was brought into the picture and dragged through a divorce later on…. I know every marriage has it’s good and bad days but I am not really ready to have a kid now and he is and he is pretty much giving me an ultimatum as he thinks that I could still not be ready in 10 years and it’s too risky for him to keep waiting which I totally get….
Any advice? With all my worries about the MIL getting involved (she like to be boss and is not used to being told “No” and is starting to hear it from me slowly evey now and then) and the fighting with my DH about the past and my fear of having kids….I do want them, just don’t know when!!!
Post # 3
Counseling. You two need to figure out your differences before adding a child to the mix. Any marriage is worth saving and you are 100% able to, it takes work though.
Post # 4
@isabeexx: It sounds like my plan would be to tell him that when he can negotiate peace with his mother and you don’t have to deal with her crap, you will be ready. That puts the ball in his court. When he wants to have kids he will create the boundaries with his mom that make you okay with that.
Post # 5
Do not agree to have children if you are not ready for them. To me this is a discussion to have before a marirage so you both enter into it knowing where the other person stands BUT sicne it’S too late for that, there is no reason you can’t have a calm discussion about kids now. Think about what you want and tell your DH what you mentioned that you do eventually want kids but you are not ready for them right now. Be honest about your concerns and let him know that you want more time to work on your relationship as a family before bringing any children into the mix. I think this is totally respectable and reasonable as well. Once you have a child it is not reversable and you are right, ther is no need to add another element to what seems to be a challenging family situation as is. I’m almost at 2 years married and we have talked about a timeline for children but still plan to wait at least another year or 2. There is no reason to start making babies as soon as you hit your 1 year anniversary if that is not what you want. Please talk with your husband openly like you are doing here as it seems like you have valid concerns and have not had the chance to discuss them with the person who matters most.
Post # 6
Your concerns about your MIL are very valid. Your DH needs to handle her and talk with her about appropriate boundaries for your current relationship as well as future family.
You said you do want children but it seems as though you want them later and your DH wants them sooner.
First, establish a timeline for TTC that you both agree to.
Then, lay out some written “ground rules” to help you feel safer and more protected in your relationship with your MIL.
It will be up to your DH to enforce these boundaries with her.
It should be fairly simple. If you give him a list of your expectations regarding MIL, and a time frame for her to prove to you both she can abide by your wishes, then you’ll be on more stable ground to begin the childbearing process.
Post # 7
I agree with the other posters… counseling seems like the answer here. You guys are in the same book…just not on the same page. A counselor will help you get there.
You two made a life-long commitment to be together for better or worse… This is one of those down times…but not something to throw the towel in for.
As for the MIL issues…he really needs to manage that relationship. There is no reason she should be involved in your relationship. I think counseling will help you on that issue as well. Any couselor out there would say the same.