Post # 1
this is not really to do with weddings or marrage, just general relationships, you bees always have good advice 🙂
i am no longer in a situation where we are thinking of marrage and i am living with my parents, in a commited relationship of three years with an older man im in my third year of uni, anyway, my partner and i are happy and love eachother 🙂 everything is great between us
there is a guy in my uni classes that i have been friends with for around 3 years, better/closer friends this year
i don’t really have romantic feelings towards him and am not physically attracted (my boys way hotter in my oppinion!) but he seems to be on my mind often-ish and i have had some dreams he was in lately
my question is i dont want a relationship or to sleep with this guy, he also has a girlfriend, but i would like to get a bit closer to him/ develop our friendship
my love language is physical touch/ quality time and i think that is why i find myself wanting a hug or holding hands with him which we have never done
i don’t want anything more than that
how do i ask him if he would be ok with this? it seems awkward
i dont really think its inapproprate its just a nonsexual way for friends to bond, but if you think this is grossly inapproprate feel free to say,
i dont want to cause problems in my friendship or between him and his girlfriend
Post # 4
If i was the Girlfriend I would have a problem with it. i don’t think you should persue it.
Post # 5
@scarlette: With all niceness here, I think it is inappropriate to hold hands with him. A quick hug hello and goodbye is cool. Perhaps you need more physical affection from your partner, GFS, animals(?) and parents?
I think it would bemuse and annoy me if my Boyfriend or Best Friend was holding hands with one of his friends that are girls, and his love language is physical touch too.
Post # 6
I find the whole concept weird. But maybe I don’t really understand.
Post # 7
Holding hands with anyone other than your SO is a big no-no IMO.
Post # 8
I don’t think this is a good idea, especially if you have to mention to him that you want to begin to do these things. It strikes me as odd. If eventually you guys hug goodbye, it should come naturally with time, if at all.
If I was his girlfriend, or your boyfriend it would annoy me a lot.
I hope you aren’t offended by this, and I could be completly wrong but this comment, “i don’t really have romantic feelings towards him and am not physically attracted (my boys way hotter in my oppinion!) but he seems to be on my mind often-ish and i have had some dreams he was in lately,” makes it seem like what you actually want to do is test the waters. Again, I could have read too much into this, but it jumped out at me as an off statement.
Post # 9
Sorry, but physical contact of that type is pre-sexual. It’s inappropriate to hold hands or have extended hugs with a man who has a SO, or while you have a SO.
Please don’t go down this slippery slope.
Post # 10
Physical touch/quality time are my love languages as well, but I have never, ever, ever felt the desire to hold the hand of one of my friends, especially not one of the opposite sex. I also don’t hug my opposite-gendered friends, but if I did, it would be, as another friend suggested, a very brief “see you later” hug. The fact that you and he are both in relationships with other people, I don’t think I would even do that much. The fact that you want to…I think you may have more than just “friendship” feelings for this guy.
Post # 11
I have a few guy friends, and one of them I will hug goodbye or hello. BUT…we see each other infrequently, and I live in another town now, so it’s like, Oh hi good friend I never see anymore!! When I lived in Philly we did not hug hello or goodbye.
Holding hands, though…that’s all romantical. I ONLY want to hold my fiance’s hand.
Post # 12
I would be furious with my Fiance if I found out he was holding hands with another girl.
Post # 13
Coming from the perspective of someone who is very much a hugger/touchy-feely by nature…i think you need to reconsider. You might truly not intend anything by it, but at the very least you have to consider how it would be perceived by others–by your friend, by your SO, and by any other outsider.
IMO, hugging is ok if it’s the same type of brief “buddy” hug you would give any other friend; not ok if it’s more of an embrace. The handholding is just a big NO. There are very specific connotations/assumptions that go along with that kind of physical contact, and even if your intentions are pure, I can almost guarantee that your message will be misinterpreted.
Post # 14
thanks for the adviceso far bees, i guess i have a open mind about this type of thing and see human physical touch as more than just romance/sexual, but saying that i guess i didnt really concider how it could interpreted by others who may be around seeing this and judge our relationships- thanks for making me realise this,
maybe a more ‘normal’ way for us to bond would just be to hang out more? that seems like the way to go 🙂
Post # 15
@scarlette: I think you have to be very mindful about what kind of relationship you want with this guy. If you think he has a cool personality, and is someone you’d like to be friends with, fine…but if you are interested in him as more than friends (which is how I see it when someone wants to hold hands with someone else), you are treading into dangerous water. Maybe invite him and his girlfriend to hang out with you and your boyfriend…