Post # 1
My husband and I are having holiday drama. Background on our families: my family is very small…all live in same town and spend all holidays together. M husband is from a big family. While he loves his family, holidays…living close to each other etc is not a priority. For example…. To not spend a holiday with his family is not a big deal. Would he like to? Sure. However if he doesn’t he is more like well ill catch you next time type of thing.
Well now that we are married our decision has been to split the holidays. Every other. For example last year we had thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine so we will flop this year. I have moved out of state 10 hours to be with my husband. We met in college and his job is here so I moved and got a job while we were engaged to avoid long distance. We still live here now. I’m okay with this bc I want to be with him obviously, but being away from my family is a sacrifice.
Now to the holidays. This year my parents and brother are coming to visit (its the first time they will be visiting us outside of college years bc they don’t have a lot of money and can’t afford coming to visit a lot) which is where the argument comes in. My fiancé does not want to go home for Thanksgiving since they are coming to visit. ( There would only be a month in between) He thinks bc we will be seeing them a trip on the holiday is unnecessary and just spending unnecessary money. He wants to not do the holiday with them at all and just go for a trip in a few months in February or march he said. To me, while another trip is nice its not spending the holiday together which is important to me. I know it’s a lot of money but that is something I value.
Anyway this was a huge long argument and blew up. I feel like he doesn’t understand the importance to me just because he doesn’t value something like this in the same wayI do. so far he hasn’t backed down and is in the well ” I still have to think about this mode” and will let me know when he decides if we are going to go or not. Can you please provide input for me? He got mad at be for being offended and getting upset.
he says he understands but I don’t think he really does. I am huge with family and I am already away from home So thats why i value seeing them and holidays even more. He also promised we can move closer to my family someday but he doesn’t want tied down and said in the future after we get some experiences in while we are young We could move closer. I agreed and am compromising bc I think that is reasonable. I wan him to be free and experience what he wants to. But things like this just make me sad bc I feel like he doesn’t get it
Post # 3
@caseybop1: If being with family on holidays is not important to him, can you not go home on your own?
You get to be with your family, he gets to save money.
Post # 4
“will let me know when he decides if we are going to go or not.”
That statement sits the wrong way with me. HE doesn’t get to decide what you do. If this is important to you, then you make the trip. He can choose for himself what he wants to do, but he doesn’t get to choose for both of you. If you allow him to make a decision for you that you are unhappy with now, it gives him permission and establishes a precedent that he can single-handedly veto the things you want if he doesn’t agree with them. Tell him you are very sorry that he doesn’t see things the same way you do, but that this is very important to you so you will be going. You would like it if he would reconsider and come with you, but you understand if he does not.
Post # 5
Since a) it sounds like you made sacrifices moving to be with him and miss your family already, b) you really value the holidays and being with family whereas he doesn’t, and c) you already loosely agreed on a reasonable holiday arrangement to see both of your families, it doesn’t sound fair to me.
However, FWIW, I would not leave my husband for the holidays to be with my own family, even if he didn’t want to go and I did.
So I don’t have any advice or anything, but just want to offer support since I know how hard holiday situation! I feel like I’ve been dealing with this kind of drama since a few years into dating. Bleh.
Post # 6
We split Christmas but not Thanksgiving. My family lives a ten hour drive from us so we will always do Thanksgiving with them because flying out of state is too expensive to do every year. This year will be our first Christmas with his family…I’m NOT looking forward to it but just sucking it up. Do you think maybe one of his problems is that he doesn’t get along with your family? Maybe he’s just trying to finaggle his way out of hanging out with them. If he’s really controlling whether or not you get to see them for the holidays, he kinda sounds like a douche.
Post # 7
@echomomm: I could understand him having a say if the trip (even solo) is going to eat a lot of money. 10 hours is a long way to drive, so I’m assuming she’ll take a plane, and air travel is ridiculous anymore. If they share all finances, then the family fund would potentially loose hundreds of dollars just on her ticket, double if he goes too.
But this is, admittedly, assuming a lot. I’m just throwing in that I could understand a spouse wanting to limit visitations if it’s going to drain the bank account.
That aside, I agree with throwing out the idea of visiting your family alone. It’ll give him a chance to reflect on how much it means to him that you be with him for the holiday, and maybe start to understand how you feel re: your parents. My DH and I have already talked about splitting up for the holidays, because missing a major holiday party is looked on like a mortal sin in his family, but I don’t want to abandon mine.
Post # 8
^ Agreed, although in that case then it is up for discussion between the two of them, not a one-sided veto. If it would seriously affect the family finances, I can see that being a reason he would be against the visit, but it still wouldn’t give him the ultimate power to decide for her, kwim? But different people run their relationships different from how I might see things, so I guess that’s up to them. It just struck me the wrong way to envision her waiting for HIM to decide about what she’s going to do.
Post # 9
I would go without him as long as you can afford or make the trip. It is his decision not to go.
I am going home for Christmas without DH because he has to work. I am an only child and it is very important to me to be able to see my family at Christmas. DH understands this and doesn’t mind, especially since I moved 7 hours away from my family for his job.
Post # 10
I don’t see why this is his decision to make. Can you go home by yourself?
Since you compromised and moved for his job, I think he can compromise and pay for your trip home for the holidays.
Post # 11
Not sure all the details of your set-up but DH and I live 12 hours (driving) from his family and $400-$800 per plane ticket to see my dad or my mom… I love his family and they are more affordable to travel to so I feel like we visit them much more often… I miss my mom like crazy but if she came to visit me that would probably be the only time I could see her that year, we wouldn’t spend the money for another trip especially right after I just saw her because I would much rather wait 6 months and see her again rather than twice right in a row… I dunno… It’s hard to live away from my parents and his… We miss them all the time but I would hate if DH fought about it with me when I was worried About money… It would be better to wait IMO
Post # 12
I totally feel your pain, my FI isn’t nearly as into spending time with family as I am and we have issues with this a lot. Fortunately we live close to our families so it hasn’t caused this big of an issue. I’m confused about one thing – you said you flip flop Christmas and Thanksgiving – if your mom and bro are coming up for Thanksgiving, wouldn’t you spend Christmas with his family? I think I just am missing something. Would you go to your family by yourself? I know it sucks going to holidays without your DH but if he’s that hell bent against it, I’d go.
Post # 13
Could you switch with him this year and have Thanksgiving with his family and go home for Christmas?
Or what is it you love about Thanksgiving with your family? Could you have a Thanksgiving dinner when they come visit you?
Honestly, my DH would probably be saying the exact same as yours. That is a lot of money to spend if you are flying, and a looong trip if you’re not. While I don’t think it’s right that it’s his decision alone to make, I don’t think it’s fair for you to discount his opinions on the matter. Your DH may be like mine, in that he is much more practically minded than emotionally minded. Spending thousands of dollars on a trip home one month after your family visits you isn’t practical, even though your heart wants it. Your husband sounds like mine. I’ve learned that my DH responds much better to me when I take the emotions out of it and try to approach it more logically/practically. Maybe if you showed that you were taking his concerns into account, he might be more likely to take your emotions into account? You could suggest not buying Christmas gifts this year or something to save money so it doesn’t seem like such a financial burden. Idk, hopefully you guys can figure something out!
Post # 14
@caseybop1: You are in a tough spot. My DH is very close to his small family (mom,dad, sister & grandma) and I am very close to my large family (brother, sister, niece/nephew, 10+ cousins and dozen or so aunts and uncles.) All of my family lives w/in 30 minutes of our house, his family is 1 hour 15 minutes away. His family is SUPER traditional, mine is VERY flexible. When we were dating we spent our first thanksgiving/xmas split, me with my family him with his. Since then we’ve been together.
I consider DH my family first and everyone else is extended family. I want more than anything to be with him on the holidays creating OUR own holiday traditions, if our extended families fit into the picture great, if not it’s most important to me that we are together. My general requirements for the holidays are that I wake up in my own bed & for xmas that we actually get alone time so we can celebrate the holiday together & then get together later with extended family. Last year we had thanksgiving at his parents house & let me tell ya, a family holiday with only 6 people around the table feels so empty to me (I’m used to dinners with 25-40 people). Then for xmas we hosted a dual family dinner on the 23rd, hosted xmas eve with DH’s family. xmas morning we spent alone together and for xmas afternoon/dinner were with my extended family. Its different for everyone especially when you factor distance/cost into the picture. For us we are lucky enough to have both extended families in close proximity.
GL with coming to an agreement.
Post # 15
Eek…some say just go by yourself. While he shouldn’t make the ultimate choice in your (relationship) holilday travel, you should make these decisions together. your married now and he IS your family. You need to reterate how important your family is..and not in anger or frustrations.
Post # 16
Let’s see if I understand this: Your family is coming for Christmas. Since they are coming for Christmas, your DH doesn’t think it’s necessary to head their way for Thanksgiving. The every other year thing seems negated in this instance since they are coming to you. I’m inclined to agree with your DH. Why not start an intimate Thanksgiving dinner of your own? It doesn’t have to be every year, but it could still be a nice thing for the two of you when holiday travel doesn’t always work out. I am also big on spending holidays with family, but I think I would be okay with this.