Weddingbee boards

Hey hive, I know I'm still new here, but I have a situation that is bothering me, so I am coming to you all for a little vent and maybe some helpful advice?

My FI's sister and I get along great.  We hang out and talk and she is super supportive of our relationship.  I don't really agree with some of her life choices she is making, but it is not my place to judge or say anything.  She has an SO and two kids, ages 2 and 8.  For purposes of this post, I will call her Janey.

Janey and her family have moved around alot and have been living with her grandparents for a while.  She does not work (she recently got an entry level job, but was fired right away for being late) and overall, seems content to stay home with her toddler and milk the government funding.  Last week, she called to say that she had gotten in a huge fight with her grandparents (over what, I do not know), and that she was on her way over to our house and asked if they could stay here for a few days.  That is no problem.  Their argument is not my business, and I adore her and her kids, so it was fine for them to stay here.

Since she has been here, she has been trying to help out (I think).  She has cleaned everyday while we are at work.  We usually clean when we get home from work (ie washing last night's dinner dishes) and I felt bad that she was doing those chores and told her that she shouldn't feel the need to do it.  Plus, I really just don't like people cleaning in my house, it makes me uncomfortable.  Yesterday, she went out and bought a mop while I was at work because she couldn't find mine and therefore thought we didn't have one.  I understand that she feels like she needs to contribute somehow in return for them staying there.

Last night, I came home from working a 12 hour day.  She had told me that she would be cooking dinner (didn't ask, just announced it), so I didn't stop at the store on the way home and we didn't really have anything I could make for dinner in the house.  I had told her that I would be working later than usual, but I guess she forgot.  I got home and discovered that all that was left from dinner was about a quarter of a serving.  I was kind of annoyed because I was hungry and had been told I didn't need to pick anything up because she was making it, but I let it go because it really wasn't a huge deal.  She told me that she hadn't expected me home so late, she hadn't known where I had been, and thought maybe I had already eaten, so she didn't save anything.  Miscommunication, oh well, move on.

Later, FI and I were standing in the kitchen chit-chatting and joking around, and Janey came in after putting the two-year-old down for bed.  She started questioning FI (her brother, who is 29 years old) about why he took ham sandwiches to work every single day and telling him that she would start making him other things to take.  He told her that he takes the same thing everyday because it is what he likes and he didn't want anything else to take.  She just kept pushing it though.  He makes his own lunch every morning and is capable of doing this himself.  This part just really irritated me for some reason.  It seems silly, but with everything else kind of sitting there, *almost* bothering me, and then this, I was just not happy about it.  FI was a little irritated too.  We both feel like he is a big boy who can make his own lunch and if someone else was going to make his food for him, that would fall to me as "the female in his life."

I feel bad for being irritated over this because I feel like she has good intentions, but I can't help starting to feel a little territorial.  It isn't anything I feel is big enough to say something and risk hurting her feelings, but I feel like that is my role and she is toeing the boundary line.  She also made the comment last night, "Well, when I start making dinner every night...."  What?  Who agreed to this?  My first thought was, "Oh great, now I am going to come home from work and either be hungry or fix dinner for just myself, not FI and I both like I am used to."

FI totally gets how I am feeling, but I am wondering if anyone thinks I'm just being crazy?  Is this an understandable feeling?  I have made lighthearted comments about, "Oh stop, you don't have to do that, come sit down."  Aside from that, I can't think of a way to clue her in.  I know that if I actually tried to talk about it, and be honest about how I'm feeling, it would really hurt her feelings because she is trying to help.  Also, a few days has turned into indefinitely.  They don't have anywhere else to go, and we certainly aren't kicking them out.  She is working with the welfare people to find something, but they just don't have much money and so their stay might not be so short.  Meanwhile, there are four extra people living in our house, and I feel like we are experiencing a mild home invasion where I have no say!

Would you feel the same as me in this situation?  What would you do?

Hmmm.... What a tough situation.  One thought is, if there are nights that she does cook and you get home late, could you have your FI make a plate for you and put it in the fridge?  That way leftovers are reserved before people start going for seconds.  I know that doesn't help your situation as a whole but just a thought...

Also the comment about when I start making dinner every night makes me think she feels like this is a long term arrangement. Has that been discussed or has an end date been put on her stay? My FI's mom had her nephew move in "for a few days" now he is going through a divorce and has his own room and will be there longterm, but it was never discussed with the family (or the other people who live there)

@Goldilocks1107:  These were some of the life decisions that I referred to because I don't agree with it.  My FI thinks its crap too.  Her SO is father to her youngest child, and he works, but I am not sure exactly how much he supports them.  He has older children with someone else, and I don't know how much he supports them either.  He stayed here last night, but I don't know where he has been staying since last week when Janey and the kids arrived.  He basically isn't very reliable.  He is not my favorite person, to say the least, although I don't think he knows that.  I don't agree with this lifestyle and I do have strong feelings against it, but telling her my opinion on it wouldn't accomplish anything but to create tension. 

If she had the money to get her own apartment, then we might lay down a timeline for moving out, but we are not going to kick them out with two small children.  FI and I have always been extra attentive and spent extra time with the kids, to try and give them some stability because their home life isn't always that way.  I would never do anything that would make those kids' lives harder.  I know she has been working on figuring out a place to live, but I don't know how long those kind of things take when dealing with welfare...