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I have a cousin I love dearly. He's been like a big brother and has been there for so many big milestones in my life. When I was a 13, he came out as gay, but that never really changed how we felt about him, regardless of some of my family's feelings about homsexuality. To us, he'll always be Bryan.
Five years ago, Bryan married his long-time partner in a civil ceremony. Bryan and Sam have been at almost every family function, so it was no brainer that I would invite both Bryan and Sam to my wedding. Even though we're having a small wedding, we're making sure to include all serious significant others and spouses of our guests. Bryan also offered to play piano for our ceremony for free (we're also on a very small budget).
My fiance's family are very, very conservative and very active in their church. In fact, his dad was part of a church-sponsored door-to-door campaign to ban all same-sex marriages. When they found out that Bryan is gay and that we were inviting his partner, they flipped out! They're worried that Bryan and Sam will be "all over each other" and make all of their church friends uncomfortable. I know Bryan and Sam would never act inappropriate (they never have at any events we've been to, including weddings), but my in-laws insist that we take Sam off the guest list. I find it really rude and unfair to allow everyone else to bring their spouses, but not Bryan. Especially since he's a close family member and he's doing us a big favor with the ceremony music! But they tell us we should listen to what they say because they're helping us pay for the reception (my family and his family are paying 50-50). It's causing such a rift in our families because my family doesn't think they have a say in who gets to be in invited from our side of the family. If they're ready to pull their portion of the money because of this, I'll accept that. But it's not the money I'm torn about...it's my future relationship with my in-laws! I accept that they have their opinions but they don't have the decency to respect mine or even members of my family! Sorry for the long, dramatic post, but I had to get this off my chest!!!
Don't do it. That is not right in any capacity. Stick up for yourself and for your cousin. Your in-laws are being rude, selfish, hate-filled people and it's not excusable. If they want to ruin your relationship with them over this, I don't think it's worth having a relationship with them.
OMG obviously do not listen to your in laws. Everyone has their own opinions and if they are uncomfortable with gay people then that is fine but they have NO right whatsoever to tell you that you cannot invite his partner. It is so beyond insulting and rude. I have a similar situation going on and it surprises me as to how close minded and ignorant people can be!
Do not dis-invite Sam. You need to stick up for your family, and for what you believe in and support your cousin. Your in-laws are being completely unreasonable, and you need to to stand up for yourself and your family.
I understand not wanting to strain the relationship- but this isn't a fight over some flowers or a color scheme. You definitely need to stick up for yourself and your cousin. Let them know respectfully, that they will be attending and however they choose to deal with it is their problem.
Bryan and Sam should both be invited and go to the wedding. They are your family friends and your in-laws can't tell you who can or can't be at your wedding. It is your wedding and if you and FI want them there, they should be there
Ditto to everyone else. This is worth standing up over. It may feel uncomfortable, but it will be worth it to look yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing.
They were married-Sam is your cousin now too. To disinvite him would be beyond awful. Stand your ground now or you will be giving in to your in-laws for the rest of your life.
I agree, stand your ground and don't disinvite him. He was your family before the inlaws. What does your FI say about all of this? He should be standing up for you. He should let his parents know that they aren't the only ones paying for the wedding and you and your family have a right to invite who you want.
I work with teenagers who have been kicked out of their homes for coming out and being honest about who they are. Bigotry rarely changes. Let's say your child comes out to you when they are a teenager. Are you going to have to hide them from their grandparents because of this bigotry? It will be hard, but you must stand up for your cousin and for what you believe. I can imagine there will be more family gatherings in the future ,so you had better take care of this now.
Your FIL's need to know that your cousin and his husband will be attending, and they should treat your guests with respect.
I am so tired of people who are so narrow-minded and intolerant. (sorry, my little rant)
Good luck with this.
I agree- your cousin's partner should be there. If it is really going to upset their church friends, then their church friends can chose not to attend.
If it were my in-laws, I would tell them that you expect ALL guests attending the wedding to be respectful of other people's views- that you expect your cousin and his partner to act appropriately and not purposefully make others who may disagree with same-sex marriages uncomfortable, and you expect your in-laws and their friends to be respectful and not cause a scene or act inappropriately toward your cousin and his partner. Anyone who is unwilling to put aside their differences for the day can choose not to attend.
It's perhaps reasonable for your in-laws to ask for them and their friends to be seated at a different table than your cousin and his partner, but it's not fair of them to insist he not be invited- would it be fair of you to not invite your inlaws and their friends because they disagree with your cousin's marriage?
OMG-I am very sorry that you and your FI are going through this. I agree with Lilyfaith and the other posts. This is the ONE post that I think has ever made me feel so ANGRY ever! I would have such a hard time being civil to your FIL's!!! Kudos to you for that. You didn't say anything about what your FI has said, and I understand that your budget is low, however, I wouldn't even give your FILs the chance to even "pull their money" from your wedding budget. I would Decline it so fast their heads would spin. I just wish I could help you come up with a plan/way to raise funds so you didn't have to take their money!!! I am not a professional wedding planner, but I have found many many ways to cut costs and save money for bees that have low budget weddings, if there is ANY way at this point in your planning that I can help you cut costs or find what you want for a lower price, PLEASE feel free to contact me. I find this so dsirespectful in so many ways, I wish their was more time to help you raise money so that you would have what you need for your reception, so you could tell the FILs to keep their money!!! Because that is exactly what I would do. I don't understand religions that exclude people due to their differences. LOVE ONE ANOTHER is the creed is my belief. I hope that your FI can diffuse some of the rift that is occuring between your families. And definitely invite Bryan AND Sam. (Just for the record, I am a woman married to a man).
So sorry you had to experience this. Support your cousin and his partner! I'd simply send them an invitation and tell them that they are family. And that love is something worthy of everybody!
Look, not all conservatives believe that so don't think that's the case. I may be politically conservative but that's fiscal. Most of my friends who are think as I do (and Laura Bush) that love and marriage is for everybody!!! I too have good friends who have been partners for over a decade and raised my friend J's son. They were wonderful wonderful loving parents and so devoted to each other as partners. I remember thinking how I wanted to find somebody who'd love me just as much as J's partner/husband loved him.
This is a very creative place. We can help you stretch a dollar and in the end, maybe just maybe they (your soon to be IL's) might learn a valuable lesson in love. I am hoping this will happen. I hope they choose love over division.
Cheers to you standing strong. When you discuss this with them, do so with kindness, gentleness, yet stand your ground. Stand tall with love! If you handle this well, it could make a huge difference and maybe help change misguided perceptions.
Good response Bellanga
I would hope that I could handle this situation with kindness and gentleness and stand my ground too. But I posted with my opinion, not how I may react with others in person. I get so frustrated when some people think this type of behavior being okay. It makes me sad to see that the level of intolerance and hate in this world increase against others. I really do try to treat others how I wish to be treated. :) May Peace and Love be with All of Us.
It blows my mind how anybody could judge another. And it's so unnecessary and cruel.
When I was younger (college) I was much more reactionary than I am now. I am so blessed to have been able to live and experience so much and meet people who are different than I am. When you get to know (and really like or love) people who are very different from say, how you were raised, it is so freeing.
I used to love going to lectures with my friend J. He and I had sparkling conversations, he was so witty, smart, and I love his way he can cut to the heart of a subject and solve problems. He and his partner were the first openly gay couple I ever hung out with and I loved them dearly! I have 2 good friends from college who are, and knowing them has been amazing. It's funny, but I don't even think of it when I'm around them. Nor do they think about me being hetero either. It is us. We're happy. all of us happy! <3 !
Maybe the love chapter from the Good Book needs to be read aloud during the ceremony imho. Love hopes all things, believes all things. endures all things and it never fails!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! I completely agree that standing up to their bigotry is the way to go. I understand wanting to be on good terms with your in-laws, but their demand is completely unacceptable, and you have every right to tell them so. Has your FI talked to them about this? Perhaps it would be better if he told them that you're not rescinding Sam's invite. It's better if they understand from the beginning that you and their son won't accept their intolerance. Good luck--I know it'll be hard, but hang in there!
I am glad to see everyone agrees you should hold your ground on this one. I would stress the fact that he is family and they are married and if the FILs don't drop the situation, I would liken it to not inviting the wife of FI's cousin. If they are not willing to uninvite FI's cousin's wife then the conversation is over, full stop. If they agree to uninvite everyone'S spouse in order to avoid your gay cousin the problem is larger than anticipated and I would not be able to act rationally.
Please please do not give in to your FILs. I thinks is absolutly rude on their part to even suggest anything like that. Sam and Bryan should be invited and if they don't like it tough. Let them know family and love is important to you. How does your FI feel about this?
I really don't have a whole lot to add because I agree with everyone else that you need to stand up for your cousin(s) on this one.
I know it's uncomfortable and there's a very big risk of losing part of the finances for your wedding ontop of a fallout with your inlaws, but I don't see how this is something you can give in to.
I wish you all the success in the world on this and hope of a positive resolution to the issue.
Show them this thread
It is about YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND and what you want. It is YOUR WEDDING.
print and lay it down in front of them. If they are the Christians they proclaim to be, many of these above comments will hit them over the head with their bigotry. It is not something to even discuss as far as I'm concerned. They make a guest list of who they would like, your parents and you and the to be hubby.
Argh, what an awful situation for you to be in. You and your FI definitely need to stand your ground, I think everyone here has given you good ideas (and hopefully the confidence) to do so. My gay BFF was my bridesman. I'm sure there were a few conservative and homophobic guests at our wedding who felt *slightly* uncomfortable, but *nobody* said anything at all to me or him. They are adults and acted appropriately - that's exactly the kind of behaviour you should demand from your ILs. It's not worth any amount of money to do anything else :) Good luck!
I don't have much to add, just wanted to say that I LOVE what everyone else has written on here. Such wonderful things about love and family. I hope your FILs eventually see it that way too. Please keep us posted!
I love the comments! Missy Prissy, you are not alone! I am going through a similar situation with my homophobic dad, his friends, and our family! It is such a tough situation.
Is there any way to reassure them that their fear of "inappropriate" behavior is totally baseless? Like have your parents talk to their parents - not angry, like "you are a bunch of hateful bigots and you had better let my nephew and his husband come to my daughter's wedding", but more, "Missy Prissy told us that you have some concerns about Bryan and Sam and we just wanted to reassure you that they have been to several family events in the past and have never behaved inappropriately (or even in a way that would be appropriate if they were a straight couple.)"
Or is there a way to sneak Sam in? I mean, if it really came down to it, I would lie and say you uninvited Sam and then just say, "Bryan brought Sam anyway - they must have thought that the invitation was to both of them SINCE THEY ARE MARRIED!!!!" Obviously this is a last resort, but dude, people bring uninvited guests to the wedding.
Or can you just ask to uninvite their church friends since the church friends aren't family and Bryan is?
I think what you need to do is start by sitting down with your FI and talking through the issue. (We had a much smaller issue with his parents and talked through several different arguments/options for compromise.) Get all of your ducks in a row and present them with your strongest argument. I think the strongest argument that you could go with here is that yes, they are paying for half the wedding, but so are your parents, and your parents really want their nephew and his husband to come to the wedding.
I think you can also try to compromise - for example, ask your in-laws what it will take to make them comfortable. It's possible that they think inviting your cousin AT ALL is a compromise. But point out that Bryan will be playing piano and he and Sam will not sit together during the ceremony, etc. You can even ask if it would make them feel better if you just invited Sam separately and referred to him as a "family friend". I know this all sounds awful and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm trying to brainstorm solutions here...I don't think there are any.
I might also talk to Bryan and Sam. It is possible that they have dealt with extreme homophobia in their lives and might have some advice for you on how to combat this. I would only do that as a last resort though. Well, before the lying thing.
I think it sounds like you are close enough to your cousin that he is worth standing up to your in-laws for...Please don't give in to them and invite your cousin with his partner, they deserve to have their union recognized like everybody else. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope your in-laws are smart enough to recognize the damage they will do to their relationship with not only you but with their son, should they choose to pull their funding of the wedding...
OMG, this is your cousin and his partner, who is clearly involved and invested in this wedding!
I would try to assure them that nothing inappropriate will be happening (and maybe point out that you don't often see opposite sex partners "all over each other" at weddings either - inappropriate is inappropriate, regardless of the couple) but leave it at that. This man is family to you, and there are no excpetions.
The odds are that people that don't know they are gay, won't know! And if it offends them, they can go to the other side of the room or leave. What would they have said if it WERE your brother!
How rude.
Definitely invite them to the wedding! Don't event tell your future in-laws since it is obviously none of their business. I have a cousin who is gay and living with his partner (ironically named Brian) and I invited him and his partner. I am so excited they will be attending! The only one that has a problem with it is my grandma (one I'm not too terribly fond of). I called her and told her (politely) that if she said anything to them I would have her thrown out of the wedding. She is debating whether or not to come now because she can't believe I would take THEIR side in the issue. Hopefully she doesn't come and saves me about a hundred headaches that week. :-)
Honestly, I don't think you should compromise or "reassure" your inlaws. If they ask about your cousins, simply say they are invited. Do not engage in any debate or discussion about it.
Behave as though this is any other married couple who you are related to.
Please stand by Bryan and Sam and invite them to your wedding. I would just calmly talk to FI's parents and tell them that it is important to you and your family that they are both there. You really don't have to justify your reasoning or even tell them that Bryan and Sam will act appriopriatly. That makes them sound like you're trying to bring your dogs. These is a grown married couple who loves eachother and loves you. I would probably also throw in that not inviting Bryan and Sam wouldn't be the Christian thing to do and that they will be at the wedding.
obviously I agree with everyone - and if this were me in the situation - I'd totally turn it on them and start asking them how they can be SO "christian" and yet not accept others for who they are - as the bible clearly states to love everyone. (and i'm saying that AS a Christian, i'm not knocking anyone) I'm just saying that too many people use religion as a way to GET their way and it absolutely disgusts me.
Just like everyone has said - there shouldn't even be a debate or a question. Invite them.
It also makes me SO sad that JUST because a couple is gay - that automatically means they are going to be sexually provocative IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?!!!
um what? so my husband and I are in love - does that mean we like to show everyone we come in contact with HOW "in love" we are by being "all over each other" - I mean seriously could that BE any more ignorant?
I am so sorry you're going though this and wish you all the luck and love in the world.
Oh my gosh that is awful. Just awful. I'm in the "invite them and don't listen to crap from the in-laws" camp. Just simply say "i'm sorry they're invited" and don't entertain them. If they pull their money, FINE
Wow. That's pretty harsh of the FIL to demand you to do that and personally, I think it's wrong. I don't care if people are pro same sex marriage, anti same sex marriage, or indifferent to it, a wedding is not the time to force your moral & political agenda on someone (and that's coming from someone from a pretty conservative background lol). I could have never imagined not inviting one of my closest relatives and you shouldn't be forced to not invite yours! In the end, your IL's may get pissy, but that's there problem! I know saying it's their problem is easier said than done (I know we all get a little sensitive sometimes), but in the end are you going to feel worse for not inviting your cousin or ticking off your in-laws? Me personally, I vote for ticking off the in-laws! lol
This is something worth fighting for. It may get ugly but you should stand up for yourself, your cousin and your partner and make sure that you can invite them!
I skipped most of the responses...
Don't listen to them. You need to sit down with them and explain that while they may feel differently on the subject you will not be uninviting someone because they are homophobic. If their reasoning is some bible based stuff then come back with James 4:12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor?
I am sorry that they are like this and putting you in a horribly awkward situation. Just because they have issues doesn't mean they can ruin or run your day. Enjoy your day surrounded by those who you love and love you.
STICK TO YOUR GUNS. this is not you being unreasonable, THEY ARE.
YOUR COUSIN IS YOUR FAMILY and to uninvite his husband is RIDICULOUS.
i understand your fear of the future relationships, but if they are genuinely good people, aside from their views on uninviting people, they will forget and move on to a good relationship.
This is your family and your wedding. You invite whoever you want, and your in-laws need to keep their bigotry in check on your day. Clearly, your cousin and his husband will not act "inappropriately", but you may need to remind your in laws and their friends that they also need to act appropriately. A wedding is a day about love and is no place to show small mindedness, and I think if your IL's keep this up, you need to remind them of that.
Best of luck in fighting the good fight!
That's horrible to give you such headache before your wedding!
I had a similar problem. My aunts and cousins are reborn Christians and they are against that as well. I knew I was going to have an issue but I made not an issue and invited my gay friend and his partner anyway and I expected them to dance, which they did and they were the most adorable and best dressed couple at the wedding.
After the wedding everyone was still talking to me so I know they got over it. :-)
That is just awful. That is the brand of Christianity that turned me away from the religion for a long time. I was always so confused about how the biggest Christian role model, Jesus, spent most of his time on earth spending time with, loving, and befriending "sinners," and yet so many of the Christians I knew rejected, hated, and shunned people they perceived as "sinners" - the exact opposite of how Jesus behaved.
If this were me, I would respectfully say that I respect their views, but would like to celebrate my wedding day with my family. Because your cousin and his husband - they are family.
Invite them. They have no control over your parents guest list. "Bryan and Sam are invited. If this makes you uncomfortable, then you need to figure out how to handle this amongst yourselves." IE: they can either come and enjoy themselves or they can leave whenever they feel uncomfortable because Bryan and Sam will be there.
My grandfather looked down on some things we did for our wedding but you know what? They had their wedding (twice actually) now it's our turn. They attended the ceremony and maybe the beginning of the reception but then left. It sucks that they couldn't stay but it didn't ruin my night.
i'd stand by your cousin and his partner. I'd invite them both and just not say anything about to the in-laws since its really not any of their concern. if they bring it up again, I'd just emphasize that they are both family and you want/need to have all your family with you that day. I'm guessing that despite their protestations now, at the actual wedding people (the in-laws and their church friends) will be respectful and might even learn that "different" doesn't mean "scary" or "promiscuous." good luck working this out and I wish you the best for your wedding day.
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