Post # 1
So why is it considered NOT OK to go to a celebratory event without a card or/gift (IE hostess gift, wedding or bday card etc), but it IS OK to not expect one for your own wedding.
I am not talking about expensive gifts. So say you spend $2K to get to a destination wedding or $2 taking the bus. It doesnt matter. A card is minimum and I would never go without something (ornament, gift card, frame etc bought at discount if I had to at the local overstock store)
So why cant you expect it in reality. I know its not “within ettiqute” and would “look bad”, but after everything it really is expected because I expect to bring something to someone elses celebration.
Post # 3
That has always confused me too. You got me!
Post # 4
Because that’s why!!! lol
I don’t know, that’s what we are taught? My parents always told me that gifts were a privilege not a right. lol I was also taught you don’t go to a celebration empty handed…but those people shouldn’t expect it! i guess… lol
Post # 5
I’d expect it, too. It’s rude to attend an event/accept an invitation and not provide a card at the least.
I think the difference is that while it is your personal duty to be sure you don’t breach etiquette (always bring a card), it is not polite to expect others/be upset when others don’t follow etiquette (that should be their own personal shame…but most don’t even know!). It can be very frustrating.
Post # 6
@indibee: But why does the same tradition have different outcomes? depending on what side you are on?
Post # 7
Because you’re always supposed to GIVE people things in life, but never EXPECT anything. I guess? I don’t know. I’ve never really understood this either — I expect presents at my wedding. There, I said it. I expect gifts from my family on the occasion of my marriage. Am I inviting them just for the gifts? No. But I will be irritated if they don’t give one (unless they’re financially unstable…but still, it’s easy enough to buy/make a card).
Post # 8
@Jenniphyr: That’s my thought on it. You are supposed to be giving and generous and not have expectations or demands (but I secretly do, too). I mean, come on, you’re supposed to do it! I can at least secretly expect that you will!
Post # 9
Etiquette is mostly a matter of mindset.
When you’re a guest your mindset should be that you want to do the hostess honor and celebrate with them through a gift, whether or not the event is up to your expectations (tacky, boring, etc.).
When you’re a hostess your mindest should be that you want your guests to be comfortable (not hungry/thirsty/bored/cold/hot/tired/annoyed) and able to freely join in your celebration as much as they would like.
Obviously, events aren’t always as great as we’d like and you can’t please everybody, but gifts shouldn’t be thought of as a trading commodity, “Nice party! Here, have a fruit bowl.” And part of etiquette is remembering that not everyone abides by it, and being graceful about it is all part of the deal.
Post # 10
@indibee: I agree with you. I think it’s that we should follow etiquette but not be offended when others don’t? I don’t know, people get all offended when someone doesn’t send them a thank you card or chews with their mouth open at the dinner table so we expect manners and etiquette from others all the time anyway… nevermind, I have no idea lol
@Jenniphyr: Yeah, I expect presents too. Although, I do know which of my relatives will and won’t give one and I can guess how much they’ll each give, so I guess for me it’s just expecting what I already know will happen… but yeah, I’d be disappointed if someone proved me wrong and didn’t bring anything.
Post # 11
I try not to be offended by lack of gifts…but it’s hard! I always give a gift at weddings, even if it’s something on sale that just looks expensive if I can’t afford to give a big enough check.
The other thing that bothers me is when people do not send a gift when they cannot attend the wedding. It’s rude.
Post # 12
@pinkandsparkly: “The other thing that bothers me is when people do not send a gift when they cannot attend the wedding. It’s rude.”
Why is that rude? They are not even obligated to send it even if you go by ‘etiquette’ because technically you did not have to pay for their plates, thank you cards, bonbonnieries, etc. So why do they need to still pay you?
Post # 13
Post # 14
@pinkandsparkly: The other thing that bothers me is when people do not send a gift when they cannot attend the wedding. It’s rude.
Why is that rude? I was invited to a wedding last year for a girl I had not seen or spoken to in almost 3 years. She didnt even know I had moved out of state, she sent the invite to my moms house where i havent liven in years. I sent a card and the rsvp but did not send a gift. I hardly know the girl anymore.
Post # 15
Yeah, some people probably find me insanely rude, because I don’t follow etiquette at all. I was raised in a house where you don’t bring gifts to just any celebration (birthday, christening, wedding, yes) and that thank cards are optional, not mandatory. Sorry, but that kind of stuff just does not cross my mind
agreed, if it was someone I was close to, I probably would, but not someone I wasn’t.
Post # 16
I must be a horrible creature.
I don’t know but if a wedding isn’t cause enough to bring a token. (Be it a card, gift card, bottle of champagne and 2 glasses – whatever!) then what IS? I expect this and I also DO this.