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How would you ask or elude to it? I think having a honeymoon registry is one thing.. but straight asking for cash is another. It's a slippery slope.
We did Honeyfund.com, and everyone loved it. We got waaaaay more gifts from that than from our smaller traditional registry. We had both listed on our website, and spread the word if people asked.
We used travelersjoy.com and spread the word through our website. I was a little nervous at first about it, but we actually received a good amount of our gifts through that website and I am happy we did it. We also made a small registry at Target for the guests who would be more inclined for that.
Given your situation I think it would be a fun and practical idea for you guys :)
@helenc32: Its your second wedding, his third, you both have good jobs, a home and don't need anything and you want to beg for cash from your guests?
There is a reason this feels tacky to you.
I think a honeymoon fund is in no way "begging" for money any more than "begging" for money to be spent on a stand alone mixer. My cousin had something similar and people loved buying him and his new wife couple massages, kayaking activities, dinner certificates, etc to be used during heir honeymoon. They took a photo of each activity they were gifted and sent that along with their thank you. They also had a special wedding fund set up where people could just direct deposit their gift into a safe account. Call it tacky, but I had a lot of family who felt much better about depositing this way over leaving a $100 check on a table all night
I personally have no issue with honeymooon registries. As long as you guys can afford the trip you want regardless of whether anyone contributes to the registry, I say go for it.
I agree with @princss47- I don't see how signing up for a honeymoon fund is considered "begging" for money or gifts. I don't see how registering for a toaster or mugs is any better. My fiance and I are in the same boat, we combined our households when we moved in together and he is definitely against registering for more traditional gifts. We considered NOT registering for anything at all and have had MANY people ask about "where we're registered". In fact, we have an intimate Engagement party in the Spring and had several people ask about a registry then. I told them there was NO need for gifts and they insisted and ultimately sent gifts they chose, although this party was in NO WAY a reason for more gifts. We will not include any information in our invitations and will have information our wedding website. I think this is becoming more and more common so there is nothing "tacky" or tasteless about it. It's ultimately up to the individual I guess!
WOW! Thanks so much for all the feedback!!! I did go online to honeyfund.com and looked around...and then set-up an account. Since I do not have my mom with me anymore (she passed in '96), I called my soon-to-be MIL and asked what she thought. She is a "lady" in every sense of the word...old south, etc etc. I thought if anyone would have an objection to the "tackiness" of it, it would be her. I was very surprised when she LOVED the idea. She even brought up the point that Mark's grandmother lives in OR and will probably not be able to make it to the wedding (we live in FL) and neither will many of his other aunts and uncles that live out there. She did say they would want to send a gift though and this was the perfect way to do it. I did put items on there like airfare and hotel (qty 20 @ $50 ea) but I also put a lot of smaller items on there (gondola rides at $20; vatican tours @ $15; etc). After speaking with her and reading the posts on here, I am now of the mind that this is actually a good idea.
hilsy85...that was my thought as well! We have already put the deposit on the honeymoon trip and have planned a trip based on a budget we can easily afford.
prncss47...great idea with the photos! I will make sure that we make a list of what activities we listed on there and have photo's taken to include with the thank you cards on our return.
Once again thanks for all the wonderful feedback! :-)
@lisa105: Why do you seem so bitter that you have to hurt people with your replies? I mean, I'm not even the OP and that reply "
Its your second wedding, his third, you both have good jobs, a home and don't need anything and you want to beg for cash from your guests?
There is a reason this feels tacky to you. "
...hurt !
You have a gorgeous ring and I believe you're married so just learn to be nicer, ok?
Love the idea of sending photos of the fun stuff the couple does together with the honeymoon gifts. Very cool!
Sorry but I'm going to agree with Lisa. She might've not been super tactful about saying it but it's true. At this point, after 2 or 3 failed marriages, when do you just do this kind of thing quietly?
Heck, I had 3 kids before getting married and felt that someone with 3 kids before hitting the altar lost all rights to a big fancy white wedding with all the trimmings.
I could see if this were the second marriage for either or both ... but third marriages?! At what point do you just do this quietly without loads of fanfare?
@BanditGirl: Although I see how you both feel this way, gifts are always optional. Just because a guest is suggested to give a gift to a honeymoon fund doesn't mean they have to. They could still bring whatever boxed gift they choose, or nothing at all.
The OP is hosting a wedding and deserves to celebrate just as much as a one-time bride. That wasn't very nice to say those who have gotten married multiple times should only celebrate quietly.
It rude to suggest guests give you any gift let alone "ask people for a donation towards the honeymoon." Weddings are not charity fundraisers.
You really have to ask yourself how many times you can go to the well of the same family and friends - at least some of whom have presumably already given gifts for your previous marriages. I think when you get to numbers three and four you are testing the patience and generosity of even the most loving friend or relative.
Even if some guests haven't been to your previous weddings if they know you've been married multiple times already, have good jobs and have everything you need - they're going to be just a little appalled to be asked to donate toward a luxury vacation for you. No, of course they don't have to give but they should not be asked.
@lisa105: Actually, her family/friends would more than likely be thrilled to see her happy and getting married. Because some people care more about relationships than about who is following the rules correctly. My family/friends donated towards a 6 month trip through Asia for us - and we got a gushing note with each and every one stating how thrilled they were to contribute to such an adventure. There are people out there who are able to adapt to a changing world with changing rules instead of clinging to rules made by one person who isn't even alive anymore.
The OP stated that this is her 2nd marriage and her FI's 3rd. Hence, neither one of them has "3 or 4 failed marriages." I hardly think she deserves some of the criticism she has received.
@helenc32: Welcome to the hive. Don't let the nasty responses turn you away. Some people seem to have gotten lost on their way to the Knot. You may wish to check out the Encore board for more supportive bees.
Lisa...do your parents know that you are online? What is the point to come into every single thread and show your etiquette police badge?
If you want a honeymoon fund then go for it. A lot of people have and a lot of guests enjoy it.
@crayfish: "Actually, her family/friends would more than likely be thrilled to see her happy and getting married."
Who said anything about them not being happy for her? That doesn't equate to them being "thrilled" to pony up for a third of fourth wedding gift or being "thrilled" to be asked to fund the happy couple's vacation plans.
Oh, and etiquette wasn't created by one person.
@crayfish: Wow, that trip must have been awesome! We didn't set up a honeymoon fund but a lot of folks are giving my fiance and I wedding gifts themed around travel, since we are moving to Germany after the wedding and plan to do tons of travel in Europe.
I agree that a couple should give some options... at least that's what the OP was trying to do, to help people give a gift without alienizing the folks that know they already have the household goods they need. I'd happily give to such a fund, but never have gone to a wedding where a couple set one up. To help them create life-long memories sounds like a very cool thing, in my opinion anyway :)
@cj_one2000: the OP wanted to know if she could ASK guests for donations for her honeymoons. You ask for donations for charities, not honeymoons. The OP is not a charity.
Hell, my extended family was thrilled that I FINALLY got married after having 3 kids. I'm sure they ecstatic that my DH made us legit. And, I'd bet that they were also thrilled that they didn't have to pony up a wedding gift to a couple who didn't do things the proper way to begin with.
@BanditGirl: I think her use of "donation" was probably a poor word choice. Maybe a gift toward a honeymoon registry is a better way of putting it?
Wow...I never expected such reactions as this has gotten! First of all...donation WAS a poor choice of words. After talking to my future MIL (who knows EVERYTHING about etiquette!), my sister and my two best friends, it was agreed that for us the solution IS a honeymoon fund like the ones found on honeyfund.com. I do realize that every situation is different and every one's culture is different but us this seems to be the best route to go. As my future MIL said...it is no different than telling people you are registered at Penny's or Macy's or wherever. People are either going to give a gift or donate money) or not. We will still do a small registry at Target and one at JC Penny's (his whole family LOVES that store) for the people who just really want to buy something. I am sure I can come up with a few small items I can use for the house to put on a traditional registry.
As for the number of marriages...this is my 2nd. My first one lasted 25 years. The fact that I FINALLY got out of an abusive relationship, moved on with my life AND have found someone who is a good honest man and who takes great care of me is not lost on anyone in my family. They are all thrilled for us! If not for the fact that so many of my family members threw a fit, we would not be having a wedding at all...flying to Vegas after the first of the year was actually our first choice. As for him and this being his 3rd marriage, no one here knows WHY he has been married two times so I'm not sure why that is such a big deal...or if he even had a real wedding or gifts for either of those marriages. That is why "I" feel before you start saying what etiquette rules are, you have to have all the facts. For example...the comment "at least some of whom have presumably already given gifts for your previous marriages" is way off track. The majority of the people attending have never been to a wedding for either of us...once again, this is only my 2nd one...the first one was over 28 years ago...and people have ASKED what we want and where we are registered. Also...for anyone who says "It rude to suggest guests give you any gift" then I am left no choice but to assume you did not register anywhere since that is the equivalent of asking for gifts.
One last thing...to banditgirl. You made the comment that you "felt that someone with 3 kids before hitting the altar lost all rights to a big fancy white wedding with all the trimmings". I am sorry but to me that is just sad. I think your wedding day should be one of the most amazing days of your life. I don't think having kids prior to marriage automatically excludes you from having everything you ever dreamed of for your wedding day.
I do wish everyone on here blessings and good fortune. I never wanted something I posted to get this out of hand. As someone who has never been through this before, I was simply looking for a little advice. Maybe this isn't the site for me after all. Best of luck to you all!
@helenc32: Please don't feel like the way this thread went is in any way your fault. Lisa105 does this on any thread that might in some way be construed as an etiquette question. She believes that etiquette is a set of hard and fast rules that apply to everyone in every situation and there is absolutely no grey area in her world. Ignore her. Every situation is different. When my mom got married for the 4th time to a man who had been married twice previously, they just went to the courthouse with close family and had a nice lunch afterwards. That was appropriate for their situation and for the feelings of those who might have been invited. It sounds to me like your family and friends would have felt cheated if they had not been able to celebrate your upcoming marriage with you, and so you did the polite, courteous, and gracious thing by having a celebration that included everyone. Honeymoon funds are becoming more and more popular, so if that's what you want and what works for you, go for it. If you are being considerate of your family and friends and putting their needs and comfort above your own, you're doing exactly as you should, and the etiquette police can stuff it. :)
I really hope that this thread has not soured your WB experience. There are a great group of ladies on this site with really helpful and supportive comments to give. Please don't take this thread personally - a lot of Bees are having trouble with the same posters commenting with nasty comments. I hope that you have a wonderful wedding. You know your family and friends best and they will be happy to support you on your special day!
we could ask people for a donation towards the honeymoon instead.
@lisa105: seriously? you actually thought the OP was going to be passing around jars at her wedding and actually collecting donations?! hmmm...
i thought it was quite obvious that she meant a honeymoon registry or simply cash gifts! as OPPOSED to a regular registry. she was simply looking for advice on how to do this and if she should.
@helenc32: i say its a great idea!
Helenc32: I am so sorry you had this type of respons from a few Bees on here. I agree with S h e l b s, please don't ;et a few steer you away. There are so many more people on here that will listen and help you and the best way we can with no negativity involved.
I totally think that a honeymoon fun is appropriate. I have seen it in quite a few wedding magazines and you can research it online. There is ettique to it and many ways to go about handling it in a very classy way. I would bet the people that posted agaisnt it have not ready about it or know anything about it. They are giving their first reaction to how they personally fee. Which we all are entitled to but can also express it in nicer ways if we choose to.
Also getting married no matter how many times you do it is completly up to you and your FI and your families. If you choose to have a big/small celebration you should be entitled to do it which ever way you deem fit. No matter where you are people will agree and disagree with so stay true yourselves and ignore the people who put you down. It is your happiness no thiers and you should be happy and loved no matter how many times you find it!
PS. Welcom to the Hive!
I have several friends who have used honeyfund.com and they loved it. Heck I loved not having to pick out a gift.
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My fiance and I are both older (he's 44, I'm 43) and are getting married next year. Without going into a lot of details...this is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd. I married when I was 15 (long story) and divorced after 25 years. Even though I had a nice wedding the first time, I didn't plan any of it! My mother did everything...mainly because I was so young and didn't know anything about planning a wedding. This time, I want to plan everything...from the tiny wedding (just my kids, his kids and his parents) to the fairly large reception (about 100 - 120 people). One thing that has already come up is having a bridal registry. Since we have lived together for the past 3 years and we both have good jobs, we have everything we need for our house. There really is nothing that we need. However...we are planning a trip to Italy for our honeymoon and a friend has suggested that instead of doing a registry we could ask people for a donation towards the honeymoon instead. IDK...I am mixed on this one. It seems kind of tacky to me but she insists she has been to a couple of weddings for older couples who were not getting married for the first time and that is what they asked for. Anyone have any ideas or comments on this?