Honoring my deceased mom at wedding???

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

coffeedrinker:  Both my parents passed away. My dad five years ago, then my mother a year after that. It’s a kind of heartbreak that never really goes away, so I understand where you’re coming from.

If you’d prefer not to make any acknowledgements about your mother on  your wedding, that’s ok. You’re grief and pain are not for the consumption of others. If your sister or anyone else takes issue with that, feel free to remind them that they can honor your mother at their upcoming weddings, events, etc. However how you choose to remember, honor, and/or acknowledge your mother’s life is absolutely no one’s business by your own. Full stop. No explanation needed. 

 

Post # 3
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

coffeedrinker:  If you don’t want anything that will make you sad at your wedding regarding your mom, than I wouldn’t do it. Your wedding is suppose to be happy time to celebrate your love with your partner, its not about pleasing your sister because she thinks its the right thing to do. If you want to do something subtle, maybe her favourite flowers can be incorporated or her favourite colour somehow. Find something that would make you smile and remind you of the good times you did get to have when your mom was alive. 

Post # 4
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

coffeedrinker:  I completely understand and I’m so sorry for you loss.  Since my father passed and my mom is giving me away, I initially wanted to do a video montage in lieu of the father daughter dance.  Pics of my dad, us together, me as a baby, etc.  Then I decided that would be way too emotional and I didn’t want to tempt it.

What I’ll be doing is attaching a charm to my bouquet with my dad’s picture on it and possibly putting their wedding photo on one of the smaller tables at the reception.  This way he’ll be “with me” but I won’t have be bombarded with it or have my emotions on display.  Would something like that work for you?  It’s a little more subtle than a reading at the ceremony.   

Post # 5
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

coffeedrinker:  My father passed away when I was 17 (20 years ago now). Ever since he died I’ve sorta dreaded my wedding day and all the things that fathers and daughters so that day (walking down the aisle and the dance). I know he will be there with me in spirit though. I don’t want tons of pictures and memorials around either. Yes I want to remember him but I don’t want it to be sad for me or my mom. I will have him prayed for during the intentions at church and I’m having a family member who was really close to him doing one of the toasts. Also the graveyard is close to the church and I’m leaving a flower from my bouquet on his grave which will be private of course. My advice would be to tell them that you are of course remembering her but in your own private way.

Post # 6
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. It can be difficult to honor a deseased loved one on your wedding day, not only because it can bring so much pain and sadness, but it also can take away from the whole day and turn into a funeral.

What if you have a chair in the front on your side specifically reserved for her? Maybe you can have it made specifically to be set apart from the others and lay a rose and a verse or something on the chair to honor her. That way, nothing has to be said to take away from the day but you are still honoring her in a descreet way. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

coffeedrinker:  My mom passed away just over a year and a half ago, and I was married this May. I agree with most PP’s when they say to just do whatever you feel is right. When she first passed, I was recently engaged, and I planned on doing elaborate memorials and whatnot, until I realized that it probably wouldn’t be good for me, or my dad or her family.

What I did end up doing were 3 things: 1. I attached a very small picture of her to my bouquet, so she could “walk down the aisle” with me. You said you didn’t want pictures, so this might not be great for you. I didn’t really look at it too much, but I did get some nice pictures of the bouquet that I am glad that I have now, but that’s up to you.

2. I stumbled across a wonderful poem about a mother who has passed and how we wish she was with us today, but she is watching over us instead. I placed it on the back of my programs-my thought being that people who wanted to read it could, and people who might be too sad didn’t have to look at it at all. Since I didn’t have a need to see the programs on my actual day, it didn’t bother me. I mostly had that for friends and family who might want some sort of rememberance.

3. I had a very small vase made that said something to the extent of, “We remember Mom today, she is forever in our hearts.” and I put a few of her favorite flowers in it. It sat on the placecard table near the guest book so that guests could see it, but again, it was not something that was very in my face during the day. I honestly barely thought of it except to make sure my photograper got a picture of it before they started packing things away.

You just have to do whatever feels right for you. If you’d rather not share that, or think of it at all on your day, then don’t. You don’t have to do anything for anyone else, it’s your day. I just thought that maybe some small ideas that would be out of sight out of mind for you could be helpful, but I am in no means saying this is what you have to/should do. You need to do whatever makes you happy. I hope that you are able to figure it out and that your wedding day will be exactly the way you want it to be.

Post # 8
Member
5016 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

coffeedrinker:  I feel like I could have written this post! My mom passed away 7 years ago. When my wedding came (July), my dad was really bugging me to have something blaring and obvious about honoring her during the ceremony. I, like you, did not want this at all. I didn’t want my day about my dead mother – I wanted it to be happy and wonderful. I was already going to be emotional enough – I knew if anything was mentioned, I would start bawling uncontrollably and not be able to stop.

I ended up putting her name in the program (in an ‘in memory’ section) and I had a charm on my bouquet with her picture in it. My sister (MOH) chose to mention something about her in her speech, and that was it. Super simple. I felt it was just the right amount – and I never felt a sadness during the day (other than thinking how much I wished she was there).

I think you just need to stick to your guns. Don’t do something that will make you uncomfortable on your big day.

Post # 9
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry for your loss.  I firmly believe it’s your wedding day and you get to do whatever you want with regard to your mom.  Personally, as a wedding guest, I wouldn’t hold it against someone for how they handled that, including doing or saying nothing. 

But as for your family – I know you said it’s private, but would you be willing to explain to your sisters (and dad, if appropriate) how sad the forced rememberances make you, and any further reminders that she’s not there on your wedding day would make it a day filled with sadness for you rather than joy?  I’m not clear from your post whether you’ve said this to them, but if not, it may help them understand where you’re coming from.  And if they’re not already married, I’d emphasize that this is your personal choice, and they can – and should – do whatever they want to remember your mom on their wedding days.

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