Post # 1
Two of the couples attending our wedding are same-sex. One has been together for 20+ years and the other for 5+. I’m very good friends with all four of them and I’ve felt a twinge of guilt that we’re able to invite them to our wedding, but they’re not able to have one of their own. I’ve talked to the fella and we were thinking of honoring them somehow during the wedding ceremony. It likely wouldn’t be honoring them specifically as I don’t know that they would appreciate all of the attention, but just to honor in-general our friends who aren’t able to celebrate the same rights that we are that day (we’re thinking of lighting a candle for them, to signify their strength and the hope that they will someday be allowed those rights).
Here’s the problem: the fella’s family is LDS, every single one of them; he’s the first to have left the church in a number of generations. My mother is also not very gay-accepting. I’m not as worried about her; she’ll make an off-comment at me about it and maybe chide me for letting the west coast get at me, but that’ll be it. His family, though… let’s just say that his mother took offense to his sisters (4 and 6) wearing cat ears as part of their flower girl outfits (we’re having a cat-themed wedding) because it belittled the ‘sanctity of marriage’ (same line used against gay marriage; was quite amusing). She also fought me tooth-and-nail about the style of their dresses (I let her have her way and the fella’s grandmother is sewing something for them; I’m expecting mumus at this point.)
His mother’s probably the most conservative of the bunch, but I’d expect all of them to walk right out if we were to honour our friends as we’d like. The fella doesn’t care, he says that he’s not going to try to be PC on our wedding day. The idea means quite a bit to me, but I don’t know if I want to cause a full spectacle.
Any thoughts on how we should approach this? I was thinking of letting them know ahead of time, but I’ve got a feeling that many of the family would not attend once they knew. Maybe it’d be better that way, heh. Or should I just find some other, more subtle, way to honor our friends in order to keep the peace?
Post # 3
We will have a number of same sex couples at our wedding, some even invited by the MOG, so I’m certainly not in the same boat you are.
I personally would choose to honor them during the ceremony, but if you think it would rock the boat (in the ‘walking out’ manner, not the ‘ruffled feathers’ manner), it may be better to just honor them in the program if the couples agreed to that.
Post # 4
I don’t have the book with me right now, but there was something that I really liked in the Offbeat Bride’s book about why she is choosing to be married when it’s not an option to everyone. I think the gist of it is something like, I want to marry my love because it’s something so many people are fighting for the right to do. If you agree with her statement, you could say something like that. You could acknowledge all the long-standing couples of all sexual orientations. I’d suggest leaving it vague if you make a mention of this during the ceremony, but tell your friends that you’re thinking of them and that you appreciate their support of you marriage although they can’t have their own.
Post # 5
Mary-alice-me, I lovelovelove that idea.
Kitten – My partner, Vanessa and I are having a ceremony in Newport Beach, Cali. in November (we live in Arkansas but decided to do a destination wedding for obvious reasons). I am so moved that you want to honor your friends in that way. So many people take their rights for granted and I think that it’s amazing that you and your husband to be aren’t.
I would honor your friends at the ceremony. I’m all about grand sweeping gestures and big statements but it doesn’t have to be that. Your speech could be about oppression in general but you do not need to tiptoe around a bunch of people who are at YOUR wedding, eating YOUR food, drinking YOUR drinks. I mean, sheesh, it’s not like your having a full out drag show at your reception, you’re just making a really nice gesture (although, I’d be all for the all out drag show -give them something to pee their pants over I say).
Tell your friends ahead of time how you’re honoring them. The very thought that you’re doing it will mean so much. You don’t have to make it into a huge, controversial deal and can still keep the peace at your wedding. I love that you’re taking a stand.
Thank you so much -this post made my day and it’s only 8 a.m. in Arkansas!
Post # 6
It’s your wedding, not theirs. and if they say something to you that’s offensive, all you have to say is, "well, we wanted to reflect our beliefs on the matter" and leave it at that. They don’t have the right to not be offended, but since it’s your wedding, you have the right to do as you please. You shouldn’t have to worry about them being dispectful and actually walking out on your ceremony.
I agree with your FI. You shouldn’t have to be PC just for their sake if it doesn’t feel right in your heart. I think it’s beautiful that you are being true to yourselves and your beliefs, though.
I had an exerpt removed from our wedding that states "marriage is for a man and woman" even though my DH told me not to read into it too much. Why should I want it if i dont’ believe it, right? =]
Post # 7
I like the idea of incorporating it into the ceremony. I’ve been to several weddings with ceremonies that have emphasized that marriage is between a man and a woman, so it would be nice to see one that breaks that mold.
Post # 8
I kind of have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I think this would be a lovely gesture, but on the other, I kinda feel that it might seem too gimicky. This wedding is about the two of you, isn’t it?
At the same time, if this is something that is really truly very important to you, then I would suggest maybe having someone read a poem dedicated to everyone’s true love. Maybe there is something out there about fighting to be with the one you love. Assuming that this would somehow relate to you and your FI, you could possibly incorporate this into the ceremony.
I would probably steer clear of openly saying something like "We would now like to acknowledge all of the same sex couples here…" I just think that instead of people being focused on the beautiful wedding, and you, everyone will be focused on this aspect. After all, this day is about the two of you, isn’t it? I don’t think I would spend the time to make a political statement on your wedding day. 🙂
Whether or not people want to admit it, weddings are about family…and tradition. Don’t rock the boat!…well, at least not too much! (Aren’t the cat ears enough?!) Good luck! I know this is a tough one!
Post # 9
My gut would be to leave it alone. And I agree with fabulouslyengaged, that if you say something it would take away from your day being about you. I know your friends are important to you. But I don’t think it’s the time for a PSA. And I don’t think it’s worth straining any family or in-laws relationships.
If you want to do something like EJS did, I could see that.
Just my $.02.
Post # 10
If you’re afraid of it causing trouble during the ceremony, and drawing attention away from the committment you two are making, perhaps you can incorporate it into another part of the day? Maybe something like for favors, you could do a charity favor– "In lieu of favors, we have made a donation to XYZ organization, which campaigns for marriage equality across the globe. We hope one day that all our friends can enjoy the same legal protections and benefits that our marriage has brought us today…"
(Better wording than that :), but you get the gist.)
Post # 11
We are going to have one line during the blessing of the wine (not sure if we are going to keep the Hebrew line or not, but that’s unrelated). I’ve made the related sentence bold.
Blessing of the Wine
Blessed are you, creator of the universe, who has given us the fruit of the vine.
“Baruch ata Adonai elohenu melech haolam boray p’re hagoffen.”
(The couple shares a drink from the glass.)
May the joys of your life together be as plentiful and sweet as the fruits of the vine. Though even in this day of joy, we must remember those who are not as fortunate as you are. At this time we pour out a few drops of wine in hopes that one day all people will be allowed to pledge their love as you do here today<
Post # 12
I was just going to suggest what jhphi said – you could do some kind of donation? If I were in this situation though, I’d probably just go for including it (even the candle idea sounds neat) and not bother telling the in laws beforehand. If they get riled up, they get riled up. You may have to deal with them later, but if it’s something important to you, it shouldn’t be a problem to stand up for yourself and say so 🙂
Have you asked your friends how they would feel about it or if they have any ideas?
Post # 13
Yeah, I don’t know that I would single out my friends in same-sex relationships without checking with them first. It might make them uncomfortable or, worst case, cause some rudeness toward them from other guests.
Post # 14
I agree with the other bees that say incorporate it into your ceremony.
I personally would say we take this time to honor (insert names here) may we be just as blessed to have a long and loving relationship ….
If you want a less "public" announcement I would suggest just inserting a blurb in the programs that honors all couples in long term relationships
Post # 15
I wouldn’t highlight the specific couples there unless you got their permission first, but as for addressing the subject in general, do it. Just because that is some guests’ view about marriage doesn’t necessarily mean it’s everyone’s. If you and your husband feel that way and find importance in your ceremony mentioning it, DO IT. Who cares what anybody else thinks, it’s your ceremony.
Post # 16
I think it’s commendable that you want to show your support for marriage equality, but given the family that you’re marrying into, I do not think it is the best idea for you to make a proclamation thereof during the ceremony, not unless you want to risk causing a serious rift. Is it really worth it to you to make a political statement on your wedding that day might have such serious consequences? Whatever your fiance might say, I would not want my memory of my wedding day to have at its center my mother/family walking out of the ceremony or causing a scene.
I also would not single out the same-sex couples who’ll be in attendance. Were I in their place I would not want to be made example of on someone else’s wedding day. I think a donation or a poem would be a nice idea though. I also like the idea of acknowleding all couples who’ve made a long-term commitment to one another: that is the real goal of marriage equality.