Hopelessly waiting?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
207 posts
Helper bee

@Stranger516:  I could understand if you have been living together for a long time, but you just moved in. Take some time to adjust to living together.

Post # 4
13 posts

He’s putting you on trial. You’re trying out for the role of ‘wife’. Talk about moving into a stressful future! You sound a little like myself and get anxiety when you don’t know what’s going to happen and can’t plan. It’s a very unstable feeling. He needs to propose marriage to calm the anxiety inside the woman he loves. Here is the analogy I use for my own personal situation…

I basically told my boyfriend when I met him that I listed my house on the market. Hope it sells! He tells me he’s interested and wants to possibly buy it and to stop showing it to perspective buyers. I agree. After a year, no sale. How about signing a lease agreement? A promise to buy?  No. He’s not ready he says. Year later…still not ready…but ‘I might buy it in a year or two’…oh yeah! Don’t show the house to ANY one else! Keep it listed for sale. Every other house has sold in the neighborhood that was for sale..but mine. I’m to sit here, while he squats in the house and maybe I’ll sell it one day, maybe I won’t. But I can’t look at other homes. Can’t make any plans. Can’t take the for sale sign down. Nope. It’s all about him.  His timing. When he’s ready. Nevermind how it makes me feel. Nevermind my time table. Never mind the potential buyers who ask to look and end up buying another home because of the lazy renter inside!

Okay, so your boyfriend says he wants to buy your place but he’d like to live in it for awhile. See what it’s like. See what the heating bills are, how it holds up in a storm. You know. Cool right? No! It’s selfish! Imagine asking a realtor that when looking at homes! How about a car salesman? Tell him this is the car you want but you want to drive it for a year or two before actually signing papers. Yeah. Wouldn’t fly. But WE are to accept this from men and society sees nothing wrong with it!!???

These are your most beautiful as well as childbearing years. Time waits for no one. Be very careful who you allow to use them as you will never get them back! 

Now that you’ve moved in together, your chances of engagement are less. He’s getting a wife. He’s moved out of his folks place. He’s good. Whatever you do, don’t let this man get comfortable and don’t let him waste these precious years!

I do not agree with posters who say ‘give it time’. Time is very valuable and he’s had enough time. You have every right to feel the way you do! 



Post # 5
573 posts
Busy bee

@madbee22:  I have to agree that he sounds like he’s had enough time.  I would leave the topic for a few months then when something relevant comes up, broach the topic again.  After a year, I would definitely say it’s a dealbreaker if marriage is important for you. 

Post # 6
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@Stranger516:  I know a lot of people like to living together before getting engaged, but it sounds like you two see moving in together differently. It seems like you see it as one step closer to getting married, whereas it seems as if he sees it as some sort of test. It doesn’t seem as if you two are on the same page about this, and there is not a balance in power (things seem to be more on his terms than on both of your terms).

This makes me think about all of the sacrifices that women make when moving in together with their significant others. Are you okay with making those sacrifices without an engagement or even a timeline? It doesn’t seem like you are.

If I were you I would have stepped way back until we could both be on the same page. However, you’ve already moved in with him and he doesn’t seem receptive to your current talks, so at this point I would wait a few weeks and then try to talk to him about setting some sort of timeline for yourselves. I don’t think you should accept being in limbo for too long. 

Also, I would recommend you pick up a copy of the book A Little Bit Married by Hannah Seligson. It really helped me understand more about the long term relationship culture that is so prevalent in our generation and gives practical perspectives in the situations people find themselves in. I thought it was a great read. When I was thinking about whether to buy the book I saw the author had put a couple of chapers up on her website for people to preview–I wonder if those are still up.


ETA: I just checked and the author has Chapter 1 and Chapter 4 available on her personal website to preview. Chapter 4 is about moving in together, so that might be of particular interest to you.

Post # 7
1104 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I know it’s NOT what you want to hear, but give it time. Yes, you’ve been together a long time BUT you are so young. 

I will be 27 when I get married and that’s with a year and a half long engagement. In my circle that’s really young and I think that is probably the absolute youngest. My FI will be 29 and I think he’s at the perfect age.

I don’t know how to help you worry about it less, except just enjoy your time together. It seems counter-intuitive to have your relationship possibly suffer because you want to marry — basically it undermines your relationship and potential, future marriage. Just enjoy your time together and your self. Living together is a big step in your relationship and revel in that for awhile. 

Post # 8
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Maybe he is planning on getting engaged soon? You don’t really know, and we don’t know, but either way, constantly asking him about it will only drive both of you crazy.

HOWEVER, I agree with PP’s “house for sale analogy”. You’re merging your lives, you’ll be splitting housework, finances, and making major decisions together, but yet you don’t get the committment that you want/need.

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