Post # 1
I’ve explained my situation on here before but have left out some important info so for those of you who don’t know:
I’m 23 and SO is 25. We’ve been together for 6 years. SO has a great job and I am currently in nursing school with 1 1/2 years left while working part time. We have NEVER lived together. For the past 6 years we have both lived at home and only spent weekends together. We’ve talked many many times anout getting married and he has always wanted to get married after we live together which I never had a problem with.
Fast forward to today: we are moving in together! So…. I brought up getting engaged/married. I said “Now that we’re moving in together, I know you have said you want to get engaged but I don’t want to wait years of living together first” and he says “I told you we will be getting married after we live together, obviously I didn’t mean years after.”
I don’t know what to expect. Will it be next year? Will it be 2-3 years from now? I don’t want to talk to him about it anymore because it will make me seem desperate. He has made it clear that we have to know what it’s like to live together before getting engaged. I know he wants to get married and have kids: he is very family oriented. It’s just a matter of when…
The last thing I want is to expect a proposal next year and have the year go by without it. I am in no rush to get married but I would like a ring sometime soon and while I have expressed that many times he just keeps saying “I’ve told you a million times we will get engaged after we start living together first” but aside from saying it wont be years away he doesn’t say when…. and when I bring it up he gets annoyed because I keep asking the same thing “when when when” and he says “I need to know whther or not you can handle living together first!”- (in the past I have shown that I sometimes need my own personal space and have left his house early on the weekends- so he thinks I may not like living together…..even though it’s ridiculous because living in a house with only him is different from spending weekends crammed in his small house with his 5 other family members… however he took it personally and thought I would leave a bit earlier because I didn’t like spending too much time with him…..when in reality I just sometimes feel uncomfortable in his families house using their shower and hanging around the house all weekend; I feel like I am intruding sometimes but he doesn’t understand that and thinks its because of him which is why he stresses waiting to get engaged until we’ve lived together first)
Any advice? How can I keep myself from waiting???? I know it is coming but I just don’t know when and the thought is driving me crazy.
Post # 3
@Stranger516: I could understand if you have been living together for a long time, but you just moved in. Take some time to adjust to living together.
Post # 4
He’s putting you on trial. You’re trying out for the role of ‘wife’. Talk about moving into a stressful future! You sound a little like myself and get anxiety when you don’t know what’s going to happen and can’t plan. It’s a very unstable feeling. He needs to propose marriage to calm the anxiety inside the woman he loves. Here is the analogy I use for my own personal situation…
I basically told my boyfriend when I met him that I listed my house on the market. Hope it sells! He tells me he’s interested and wants to possibly buy it and to stop showing it to perspective buyers. I agree. After a year, no sale. How about signing a lease agreement? A promise to buy? No. He’s not ready he says. Year later…still not ready…but ‘I might buy it in a year or two’…oh yeah! Don’t show the house to ANY one else! Keep it listed for sale. Every other house has sold in the neighborhood that was for sale..but mine. I’m to sit here, while he squats in the house and maybe I’ll sell it one day, maybe I won’t. But I can’t look at other homes. Can’t make any plans. Can’t take the for sale sign down. Nope. It’s all about him. His timing. When he’s ready. Nevermind how it makes me feel. Nevermind my time table. Never mind the potential buyers who ask to look and end up buying another home because of the lazy renter inside!
Okay, so your boyfriend says he wants to buy your place but he’d like to live in it for awhile. See what it’s like. See what the heating bills are, how it holds up in a storm. You know. Cool right? No! It’s selfish! Imagine asking a realtor that when looking at homes! How about a car salesman? Tell him this is the car you want but you want to drive it for a year or two before actually signing papers. Yeah. Wouldn’t fly. But WE are to accept this from men and society sees nothing wrong with it!!???
These are your most beautiful as well as childbearing years. Time waits for no one. Be very careful who you allow to use them as you will never get them back!
Now that you’ve moved in together, your chances of engagement are less. He’s getting a wife. He’s moved out of his folks place. He’s good. Whatever you do, don’t let this man get comfortable and don’t let him waste these precious years!
I do not agree with posters who say ‘give it time’. Time is very valuable and he’s had enough time. You have every right to feel the way you do!
Post # 5
@madbee22: I have to agree that he sounds like he’s had enough time. I would leave the topic for a few months then when something relevant comes up, broach the topic again. After a year, I would definitely say it’s a dealbreaker if marriage is important for you.
Post # 6
@Stranger516: I know a lot of people like to living together before getting engaged, but it sounds like you two see moving in together differently. It seems like you see it as one step closer to getting married, whereas it seems as if he sees it as some sort of test. It doesn’t seem as if you two are on the same page about this, and there is not a balance in power (things seem to be more on his terms than on both of your terms).
This makes me think about all of the sacrifices that women make when moving in together with their significant others. Are you okay with making those sacrifices without an engagement or even a timeline? It doesn’t seem like you are.
If I were you I would have stepped way back until we could both be on the same page. However, you’ve already moved in with him and he doesn’t seem receptive to your current talks, so at this point I would wait a few weeks and then try to talk to him about setting some sort of timeline for yourselves. I don’t think you should accept being in limbo for too long.
Also, I would recommend you pick up a copy of the book A Little Bit Married by Hannah Seligson. It really helped me understand more about the long term relationship culture that is so prevalent in our generation and gives practical perspectives in the situations people find themselves in. I thought it was a great read. When I was thinking about whether to buy the book I saw the author had put a couple of chapers up on her website for people to preview–I wonder if those are still up.
ETA: I just checked and the author has Chapter 1 and Chapter 4 available on her personal website to preview. Chapter 4 is about moving in together, so that might be of particular interest to you.
Post # 7
I know it’s NOT what you want to hear, but give it time. Yes, you’ve been together a long time BUT you are so young.
I will be 27 when I get married and that’s with a year and a half long engagement. In my circle that’s really young and I think that is probably the absolute youngest. My Fiance will be 29 and I think he’s at the perfect age.
I don’t know how to help you worry about it less, except just enjoy your time together. It seems counter-intuitive to have your relationship possibly suffer because you want to marry — basically it undermines your relationship and potential, future marriage. Just enjoy your time together and your self. Living together is a big step in your relationship and revel in that for awhile.
Post # 8
Maybe he is planning on getting engaged soon? You don’t really know, and we don’t know, but either way, constantly asking him about it will only drive both of you crazy.
HOWEVER, I agree with PP’s “house for sale analogy”. You’re merging your lives, you’ll be splitting housework, finances, and making major decisions together, but yet you don’t get the committment that you want/need.