- 3 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I am so down at the moment that people are noticing how withdrawn I’m being – not just my family, but my fiance’s family too.
My FI is from an Asian background but has been born and raised in England – he’s never been back to his dad’s country or his mum’s. He is proud to be British and I’m very patriotic myself. His mum and dad came over to England when they were about 16 or 17 but are very much patriotic towards their countries. They struggle with my FI living the same English way as his friends do (i.e having numerous girlfriends before marrying, living together before marriage, etc) and I feel constantly looked down upon.
Anyway, I moved to this city when I was 18 and have no family here. My nearest relatives live 4 hours away. I’ve struggled to make friends because I work contractually and therefore can’t build relationships (although I do try). I secretly dread my wedding approaching because I have no friends to organise a Hen or any bridesmaids to pick. My FI, on the other hand, has lived here his whole life. He is very popular within his circles of friends, family and work and struggles with the fact that I don’t have any friends. I am joining groups where I hope to meet people, so maybe I will meet some nice women there.
Anyway, all of his relatives live nearby and he is from a very large Asian family. His cousins and distant relatives have been nothing but welcoming to me. They are always asking how I am and want to meet up and I really like them.
It took my FI months to introduce me to my family and my parents began to get worried as they thought he might be hiding something (he wasn’t, don’t worry!). It felt fine at first but then she turned nasty and I genuinely feel more alone than ever. I don’t even think I want to go through with this wedding anymore because of how she makes me feel.
We are also having a LOT of money problems at the moment. My FI has invested thousands into a creative project and now has not a penny to his name, meaning I am struggling to provide for us. His mum and dad will give him money on the side, but only for him, never for “us”.
After meeting his mum once, she told my future SIL that she wanted me to call her by a nickname. It sounds so silly but I genuinely got worked up trying to think of something to call her as I didn’t know the woman from adam. I thought of one and began calling her by it and slowly, it felt, we were getting along. She would ring me up to see how I was, ask me round for dinner and buy me presents.
Then… 3 years into our relationship, we decided to move in together, and it all went down hill from there. Every time I see her, she will make a comment or nasty jibe.
Here are a few of the delightful things she’s said to me in the last year:
– She says that she will come round and stay whenever she wants because she helped pay for the flat and therefore it’s hers.
– I am 5″8 and a size 6-8 and she said to me I looked “chubby” on some recent photographs and fat (“but I’m sure it’s just the angle”).
– Almost every wedding idea I’ve shown her she says looks “ugly” and tacky.
– That I should give up my work and get a regular 9-5 job to support my husband’s creative dream (which I went mental at, I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry).
– That boys are more important than girls and how everyone dreams of having a son (“that’s all every parent wants”).
– That there was no way in Hell her son was ever having a baby out of wedlock with me (I’m not even pregnant and also, it’s none of her business!!).
Last Christmas, she sent me a card just addressed to my name, not the nickname she calls me (seriously, what is it with nicknames). So on her birthday this year, like every year, I got her a present. Except this time, because it was a joint present from me and my mum, I didn’t address her as her nickname on the card. She opened the present, read the card and didn’t look at it again. Instead she kept going on about how wonderful the flowers were that her son in law had bought her, all night. My future FIL said to my FI that if I wanted to keep her happy, to keep addressing her by her nickname. Why the hell would I call her by her nickname when all she does is insult me and what I do, what I wear etc??
The final straw came for me last night when I went round there for dinner. I’d suggested we meet up because, believe it or not, I want a relationship with my future MIL.
I was showing everyone a photo of some clothes that my mum had knitted my SIL’s new baby daughter (and MIL’s first grandchild). Everyone was so delighted by these clothes and said how amazing they were. She comes over and says, “oh, she knitted her a blue one”. Then repeated it twice. That’s it. Not even a thank you. I was hurt because my mum had spent so long knitting these things and she can’t say a good word about anything my parents buy or do for us. She also said that we shouldn’t get a joint bank account in case we break up.
So I got into the car and just started crying and crying. I got out of the car and walked home. My FI rang her up and asked why she was being like this towards me and she said, “oh, I didn’t even realise I was saying these things”. She said she wanted to ring me and apologise and, of course, she hasn’t (she’s never apologised once). My FI has gone round there this morning and my SIL was there as well. They said I never made an effort with her or rang her anymore and that’s “just the way she is as a person”. And as my FI was telling me this on the phone, he was defending everything she had done or had said to me and made out like I was over exagerrating everything – which isn’t true, when he’s had a go at her for how she’s spoken to me numerous times.
I feel so alone here and have considered breaking up for such a long time now. I just want a sense of family nearby and to feel included. The money issues are getting me down too. I will sit round a dinner table with them all and no one will speak to me, or she will speak over me. :
What should I do?? My family really like my FI but I am just so unhappy.