Post # 1
Sooooo my boyfriend and I had a huge fight today. Here’s the long and short of it-He went to hang out with his friends all day. I did not hear from him at all today, and when I got bored after 9 hours of him being out and about, I went to a local eatery and had a snack and a drink, and when he got home (about an hour later) he called to see where I was and met me there. Long story short…He was hanging out with his friends AND another woman all day that he knows I am insecure about. I got all upset and said something about him not texting me all day, and was it because ‘she’ was around?
Then he dropped the bomb.
‘This is why I don’t want to marry you’
I’m just so confused. Does this mean we will never get married? Am I too insecure to ever get married? Am I being stupid? Should I back down and pretend like nothing bothers me? He knows that I really, REALLY want to marry him. We’re both in our late 20’s, both about to graduate, and I had just asssumed that he was going to propose at anytime and now I’m freaking out!!!
Post # 3
@veryberry13: PS we’ve been together 3 years, just an fyi
Post # 4
@veryberry13: I think it’s interesting that you waited all day for him, but he didn’t comply, then as soon as he was done with his friends, he was ready to see you. He sounds very immature!
Post # 5
Well you clearly have some major communication issues. I would ask him exactly what he meant about that.
There seems to be a lot wrong here. First off, he knows you don’t want him hanging around this chick.. yet he still does. That’s not respectful. He knows you want to get married… and he said something as hurtful as ‘this is why I don’t want to marry you’. Even if he said it out of anger, that’s a pretty strong statement.
Another issue is that you were ‘assuming’ he’d propose anytime now. What is this assumption based on? Have you discussed marriage and a timeline of when it’ll happen? Or were you just thinking that after 3 years it would happen? Have you been nagging him a LOT lately about getting engaged?
Sit down, talk about this. If you’re ready to get married, you you need to have this conversation. Obviously I can’t tell much from the few paragraphs you’ve wrote, but it sounds like he’s feeling pressured somehow. Does he say mean things when he’s angry normally? That’s not a good thing.
I hope that he does want to marry you and he just got mad… but like I said before, this isn’t good.
Post # 6
i don’t know if it means he doesn’t ever want to marry you but it does mean he isn’t ready to make that commitment until you get some of your insecurity issues under control. Talk to him and find out where he stands.
Post # 7
He just said he didn’t want to marry you–thank GOODNESS!
That guy sounds like a COMPLETE ASS!
He kept you waiting all day, hung out with a girl he KNOWS you’re uncomfortable with, and blamed YOU for being the person in the wrong!
Go out a find a guy who will treat you right! You deserve WAY better!
Post # 8
Hard to say without more details, but it sounds like he lashed out and said something mean because he was irritated that you were at home sitting around waiting for him all day (sorry, but it sounds kind of clingy/dependent), then picked at him about exactly who he was with and why he wasn’t texting you and freaked about a women who was there (again with the clingy/insecure thing – I’m married and still don’t get offended if my husband has a day with his friends and doesn’t text me.) Hard to say if the insecurity about this women is justified or not since you didn’t say what your problem with her is, for all we know it could be a legitimate thing. But if it’s not, I can see why he’s annoyed. He still shouldn’t have said what he did – especially the way he did, it should’ve been a serious discussion. Sounds like you two need to have a talk, I’m sorry =/
Post # 9
what a horribly mean and careless thing to say.
i would be very irritated with my FI if he didn’t text me all day in addition with the fact that he was with a woman i wasn’t so keen on. and as a grown adult, i would expect him to calmly listen to me and understand where i was coming from. he might not agree with what i’m saying but i would expect us to be able to communicate about it. and if he threw that reaction at me, i would have lost my cool. that is just not acceptable.
it sounds like you didn’t go crazy on him but you were rightfully upset. i think he sounds quite immature and his reaction was far from loving and kind.
give it some time for both of you to cool down and tell him that his reaction upset you and not texting you all day wasn’t something you’re comfortable with and let him know comments like those are just so crass and completely out of line.
good luck, xo
Post # 10
If after 3 years he says he doesn’t want to marry you and disrespects you by being out all day and not texting you, while hanging out with a woman you’re insecure about, and not telling you until after… why are you still in the rel???
Post # 11
What he said was hurtful but doesn’t necessarily mean it is the end…
He was also disrespectful in spending the day with a woman you were insecure about.
I am assuming you two live together. The question nevertheless is, why were you waiting for him all day? Did you have a pre-arranged activity with him? He won’t respect you if he perceives you as dependant and focussed on him. Love him, but make your own plans, either on your own for activities you enjoy or with girlfriends. He needs to see you having interests outside of the relationship and being self-sufficient and happy in your own company so you will have something to talk about together.
Don’t let him think that you are on tap for him 24/ 7. He may be your first priority, but shouldn’t be your only priority.
Post # 12
@veryberry13: Hes a selfish ass you can do better dont waste anymore of your time with him. run now!
Post # 13
So hes pretty much dangling the carrot in your face. He knows how much you want to marry him and he hurts you purposely by saying what he did.
Sounds like he does things on his time. He was unavailable to you for several hours, but when you were out and he was finally free he put out an a.p.b looking for you.
On his end it seems like a lack of respect, feelings towards u. I’m sure he cares but not equally the same way that you do. It sounds like a 1 sided relationship.
Only you know what’s best for you here. I would take sometime to reflect. Don’t assume that he’s going to marry you. If he isn’t giving you clear signs that he will.
Post # 14
It can’t hurt to talk to him now that you’ve both calmed down and work out what he meant by that. But even if he didn’t mean it seriously, that means that he is still the kind of person who will say really hurtful things during an argument. You have to decide if that’s a dealbreaker or not. I think that the way you argue is more important than what you argue about.
Post # 15
What he said was very hurtful and you really need to speak to him about it – I would only say it was a dealbreaker if he meant it. He may just not be there yet.
Why were you waiting for him all day? Did you guys have plans? I dont worry if my SO is out with his friends all day (even if it includes girls) and I havent heard form him, I see him every day and want him to enjoy his alone time with his friends without worrying about me getting cranky. When his is our with his mates just leave him be and he will love you more for it 🙂 If you are ready to get married then you should be able to trust him. Is there a reason you are unsecure about this girl? did they date or get together before you were in the picture?
I dont think the situation is a dealbreaker at all – you guys just need to talk and come to some sort of compromise. Goodluck!
Post # 16
I feel like I need more details to be more decisive on the situation. I guess the things I’m wondering are: Do you live together? Is this girl a girl who tend to hang with the group of friends? Is he normally text responsive? (a lot of boys just plain aren’t, especially not around their male friends)
I ask because the situation could have been a harmless one. I was that girl once, the girl wo hung out with the boys. All the boys looked at me like I was a boy so they felt no need to explain me to their women or treat the situation any differently than hanging with the boys and as a result, I got a LOT of backlash from women. Because I hung out with their men I was “that girl” and I got accused of a lot of totally unreasonable things that I would never EVER do. Een to this day, while I am in a committed relationship for more than three years, there are some women who feel threatened by my relationship with their men. Even though I’ve done nothing to ever deserve even a remote thought in someone’s had that I would steal their man, they do. Just because a woman is pretty and smart and likes to hang out with a man does not mean that she wants him to carry her off into the sunset.
All that aside, if she is not “one of the boys” and is a girl who has showed up just to pay attention to your boyfriend or something, then I would share your concern and discuss it with him, it’s important to be able to be open about this kind of thing.
You should realistically be able to express your feelings to him about the girl (which you say yu have) ask him to assure you that you have nothing to worry about and he does, don’t worry about it! You need to be able to trust his WORD. There will be girls that come and go in your guys’ life and if you can’t believe when he says they are not a worry, it will always be a spot of contention for your relationship.
Trust is a huge issue, maybe he is feeling hurt that you don’t trust him? I know I have some good male friends that my boyfriend could easily feel threatened by. I have assured him that they are my friends and always will be but he is my lover and it is so different ad I cerish him so differently and he gets that and is okay with it because I have friends and its okay for us to have other people in our lives. If he had decided not to believe that he has nothing to worry about and continue to poke and prod and accuse me of not talking to hm because I ws ‘with him’ I honestly would have been hurt by that, by he absolute lack of faith that he hd in me.
Like I said, it could be different, but you need to talk about it to work it out!