- Miss Jean
- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
I know, I know, this has been posted hundreds of times, and responded to about 500 times more. I just need help from any source.
I am in the beginning of my wedding planning. Let me preface that by saying – I wanted to elope. I did not want to wait 18 months after our engagement to finally have a wedding, and I did not want plan anything major. I was met with disagreement on the Fiancé’s part, so we scrapped the elopement. He convinced me that we should have a medium-sized wedding – wouldn’t it be fun to dance at our wedding, and have my dad walk me down the aisle, and get amazing pictures of all our family and friends surrounding us on our blissful day? I told him, yes, I wanted all of those things, but then I warned him that it wouldn’t be that easy. I also warned my sisters, who both desperately want to help me, and I warned my father, who just wants to close his eyes and write the checks and not worry about anything. I warned all of them, that when it comes to planning things, my mom and I – well, we don’t mesh. At all. We both want everything OUR way, and we rarely are able to compromise on the “right” way to do anything. (This is coming from years of experience with planning dances in high school, and different parties for family members.)
So we began to plan a wedding that is to take place across the country, on the east coast, far from where we live, but more convenient for everyone else involved (we recently moved to Denver; the rest of the families/friends live in PA or NC). We chose a costal town in NC as the prime destination. My mom took the time to drive to there with my dad, looked at multiple venues, and we all came back with the mutual decision to look elsewhere. I want a simple “backyard” wedding, complete with a big tent, a few twinkly lights, and all of our friends and family around us for the entire day. What we were finding just did not fit the bill, especially considering the cost of everything. My dad is willing to help with anything, but I want to keep things reasonable. So my mom went back to her home in NC, which is close to a lake, and has started (on her own, with no input) looking for places near her. She doesn’t really live in a vacation destination. The closest hotels are over 30 minutes from where she wants the wedding. And the country club that is technically in her backyard is not what we are looking for (it’s a little tacky, among other things). Essentially, it just doesn’t have that sentimental vibe we are going for.
Then, the Fiancé and I had a brilliant idea! Fiancé’s parents have a HUGE backyard that is completely flat, with very few neighbors, tons of parking (his house is situated on an old farm that is no longer used), beautiful landscape, easy to find, convenient, and sentimental (he grew up in the house). We just moved out of the town where his parents live in PA. We have tons of friends that would be unable to travel to NC for a wedding, but they can come if we have it in PA. We thought we could look into getting our favorite old restaurants to cater the shindig. In fact, not only do the Fiancé’s parents live in that town, but so does the rest of the Fiancé’s family (everyone – grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, etc.). And my sisters, bridesmaids and groomsmen are all within a four hour drive. Perfect!!
Until I told my mom. She had a meltdown. She accused me of taking this away from her. She said she deserves to be selfish after so many years of asking for nothing. This is her chance to throw an event for her daughter that is designed by her and is special. If we have the wedding in PA, it will be a wedding decided by the groom and his mother, not the bride and her mother. She will have to ask permission from Fiancé’s mom to do anything she wants. She does not want to get to know Fiancé’s family that well. She wants me to choose giving her a chance to be happy over the convenience of having Fiancé’s entire family right there for the wedding. She gave a vehement NO both times I tried to bring it up.
At this point, I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I don’t want to upset her (and she will be upset for a long time about this if we choose PA), but I can just picture everything falling into place so perfectly if we have the wedding in PA. My parents fly free, so traveling for my mom is not an issue. She just likes the idea that we’re going to do DIY stuff for the wedding and it will be easier for her to everything from the comfort of her own home, as opposed to comfort of his mom’s home. I don’t want to have my sisters talk to her (although they agree with me), because I don’t want her to feel bombarded. I don’t want to mess anything up, but I predicted that something like this would eventually happen. Too bad it happened so soon.
Sorry for the long post – Please tell me, what should I do? Have you ever been in situations like this with your mom? Or someone else?