Interacting socially with FI's former eff buddy (long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do in this scenario?
    Let your FI tell his sister : (49 votes)
    20 %
    Have FI talk to F and ask her not to come to events we're hosting : (54 votes)
    22 %
    Tell him you don't want her at your events and let him figure out how to handle it : (80 votes)
    32 %
    Get over it. Who cares if she's at housewarmings/the wedding/etc? : (61 votes)
    25 %
    Other : (3 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    22 posts

    I think you have reason to be upset. He SHOULD tell his sister or this is going to be a situation you’re in from time to time. 

    ETA: the whole sleeping with him when wasn’t legal is creepy. 

    Post # 4
    478 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Maybe I’m just a jerk, but I would let FI tell her. This way you can avoid more run-ins with her. What’s done in dark always comes to the light anyway.. Her friend did this and tried covering it up – She was taking a chance by doing this for such and long time & it’s only a matter of time as to when your FI’s sister finds out.

    Just curious, does “F” know that you know? I’m assuming no, but figured I would ask anyway..

    Post # 5
    140 posts
    Blushing bee

    I think you are over reacting a bit.  They slept together years ago and it doesn’t really seem like there were deep emotions involved.  The house warming has come an gone, it’s over; so why bring this negativity into your relationship over something your SO did years ago?  The reality is he did not have to tell you he slept with her. I know I don’t discuss details of who I have been with, with my SO.

    Had he not told you, would you have felt awkward? Unless she is coming onto him, making inappropriate comments or gestures, or you feel some weird chemistry between them, I would let it go.  He is with YOU now and that’s what matters.   

    Post # 6
    10877 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009


    I may be in the minority on this, but I think it’s important for your FI to inform his sister that he had an ongoing and intermittent relationship with her friend for many years and that the situation makes you (his future wife) uncomfortable, and, for that reason, he is asking his sister not to invite F to any future events or activities that you are hosting. (Obviously, it would be unfair of him to ask his sister not to invite F to other types of events that she, herself, may host.) I don’t think he needs to (or should) provide any specific details regarding his prior relationship with F, but I think the sister needs to know the nature of the relationship (i.e. that it was not platonic.)

    Post # 7
    771 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @bellarossa:  akwaaaard! The sister will be upset most def! BUT this is the rest of your life, your kids bday parties etc… Let him tell her. The sister will always be in your life and that means this friend may always be there. It isn’t just housewarming and wedding, it is the rest of your life.

    Post # 9
    10877 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009


    I agree with that. It was a criminal act. That may be the one specific detail that I *would* encourage the OP’s FI to share — the fact that this relationship began when he was underage and F was in her 20s.

    Post # 11
    2302 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @bellarossa:  why can’t there be an option c where he contacts the girl and says ‘hey it’s not really appropriate for you to be coming to housewarmings etc – you know why. i’m not going to say anything to my sister, but you need to decline invitations like that in the future.’


    Post # 12
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I think your FI’s sister has a right to know. A matter that concerns the relationship between a best friend and a brother is important in both familial ways and in terms of a close friendship. I do think that perhaps your FI should tell his sister in the nicest way possible, without putting any pressure on F. F can then explain herself. There is no need to bring age into this – what happened in the past happened. Yes, he was only 17, but he’s not anymore, so there is no use dwelling on that fact when he wasn’t hurt in any way over this.

    I don’t think you should be holding a grudge against this woman for something that happened years ago and has absolutely zero affect on you. She appears to be being nice to you at events where you two are stuck together, and that’s something that you should be reciprocating. I don’t understand why there are any ill feelings between the two of you. It’s not like she’s trying to come between you and FI – she’s simply being friendly and engaging. Personally, I believe that you are taking things overboard and need to get over the fact that your FI has a past that didn’t include you. You are his present and future, so why should it matter that before he met you, he had a f*** buddy? Loads of people do. Time to move on.

    Post # 14
    9525 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Personally, I doubt I would find thid too big of a deal. It was years ago. It wasn’t emotional. Yes, he was technically underage, but he was 17. He was going to be legal in a matter of months. I dated a couple college guys while I was in high school and I didn’t think it was creepy. 

    However, this is clearly a big deal to you. It’s well within your rights to not want whomever you choose at your house or wedding. I would leave it to your fiance to decide how to acomplish that. Tell him you don’t want to have to deal with her so he needs to make sure she doesn’t come to social things at your house and that might mean that he needs to tell his sister. I’m not convinced the sister would be hugely upset. I probably wouldn’t if it was my brother. Certainly wouldn’t ditch my best friend. So long as it was consentual (and thinking of my brother at 17 – yeah, it would have been consentual) it doesn’t really bother me.

    Regardless. It’s your fiance’s issue – I’d make him deal with it. Tell him what you need (to rnot have this girl at your house/wedding) and that he needs to make that happen. That way you don’t have to deal with seeing her socially or decide how to handle it with his sister.

    Post # 15
    1302 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I would let your fiance tell his sister about what is going on. The friend was in the wrong in the first place and you should not have to continue to be put in uncomfortable situations because you all are covering for her.

    I have been/am in a similar situation, but I can’t say anything and it sucks. My husband slept with a family friend (his parent’s friend’s daughter) several years ago. We see her maybe once every year or so if we go to see his parent’s at their summer home. I hate having to be nice to her and generally just try to ignore her and act pretty cold towards her. It is very uncomfortable. I don’t blame you for being upset.

    Post # 16
    1826 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    My DH slept with his bf’s wife’s cousin….I am/was friends with her too at the time but it was before we were dating. Neither the best friend or wife know about it at all and she doesn’t!5 know that I know.

    So what?

    Is it a little awkward sometimes?

    Yes but we are adults and stuff happens. We all have a past.

    It may have started when he was younger but he obviously wasn’t traumatized. Also I’ve seen a lot of relationships the other way with the girl younger and no one says a thing.

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