Post # 1
My fiance and I have lived together for 5 years. We really have all the household items we need. We really would like to ask our guests to make a contribution to our house down-payment fund in lieu of gifts (whatever amount they would spend on gift). We are hoping our guests will see this as helping us build our future. I just have no idea how to word this, if it is see as rude, how to go about it, etc.
Thanks for the suggestions.
Post # 3
I think this is a pretty controversial idea and you are going to get a lot of differing opinions on the topic. It all comes down to what you feel comfortable with, and how you think your guests would react.
Personally, I think a good number of people would find this offensive. Its generally expected that as adults, you will save for a home and buy one when you are financially able to do so, without needing to ask for money towards a home. Obviously most couples getting married need money more than they need physical gifts, but that doesn’t mean most wedding guests will give them money or are able to give cash. I think you need to register regardless, since some people (like my mother) refuse to give money and only give a gift because otherwise its too “impersonal”. Also, oftentimes you can get more in an actual gift, since people can get items on sale and therefore get more for their money. if I can only afford a $50 gift and I can either give you $50 cash, or an item from the registry worth more but I only spent $50 on, I’d prefer to give you the gift instead of cash. If you don’t register, people will just buy you what they think a newly married couple might need. At the very least you should register for some items so that those who choose to buy you gifts have some options. I’m sure you have something in your home that needs upgrading that you can register for. I know I do.
I’m not sure why you need to make any sort of announcement or statement regarding cash gifts. I think that you should just save whatever $ you receive for the wedding and put it towards a down payment. As a general etiquette rule, you should never mention gifts on an invitation, so I think its in bad form to seek out cash gifts. You could spread it word of mouth instead, maybe, but that doesn’t mean that some people won’t be offended. I really think it depends on your guests. If you have a lot of older guests, they will likely not understand this. Younger couples who are recently married themselves would probably be more supportive of this type of “registry”. Personally, I’d leave this out altogether. I don’t think that asking for money will change anyone’s mind about what they want to give you so I’d rather not risk offending my guests. But like i said, this comes down to what you are comfortable with, but when it comes to money, its always a touchey subject
Post # 4
Yeah, unfortunately I agree with Krises. This probably won’t go over well, and it’s not really proper to make any statement about gifts… I’m sorry but all you can do is hope to get cash (and maybe have people say that’s your preference, like if people ask your mom or his mom or whoever where you’re registered).
Post # 5
@Scottielass: I LOVE it! I would love to donate to something like this. I would feel like my gift was really being used. We also lived together and chose an “offbeat” registry (a wedding video)… a lot of people on the Bee weren’t fond of the idea, but it worked out great and a lot of people have told me how cool the video will be and they were happy to be able to contribute.
I say go for it 🙂
You could start a blog and then use:
Maybe you can post pictures as you house hunt!
Post # 6
I really don’t like this idea. I’m in the “you never ask people form money” camp and like Krises said, as adults, you’re expected to be responsible enough to save and purchase a home when you are financially stable. I don’t know your guests, but I know mine would be extremely offended if I did this. So I guess it comes down to, how your guests feel about it.
Post # 7
I think this is definitely an option, but be careful at how you go about it since a lot of people may not be familiar with this form of giving. If you have a fairly tech savy guest list, then I would set up a registry website that people can make cash gifts but the website is structured so that they know its going towards your house fund. something like Sand dollars honeymoon registry, but for a house:
Post # 8
I would totally do that if FI and I didn’t already have a house! Plus I would love to be able to contribute to someone starting their new life out in a house! Maybe you could word it someway like that… xxxx and I would love to start our new life together in a new house thus we would love donations towards a down payment fund or something. One of my friends Gram’s was just talking to me about how they went to a wedding where this was an option for a gift and she said that her and her husband gave more than a typical gift because they thought it was such a smart choice! I would still register for a just a couple of things and make it clear that you guys would really rather a house than a bunch of stuff you already have. People you are inviting to your wedding know and love you and will probably think it’s a smart choice for you guys to want a house instead of gifts.
Plus once you get the house you can have a house warming party and get all the upgrades of the things you already have!
Post # 9
I think it’s a fabulous idea. If people are ok with contributing to “stuff” for your house, I don’t really understand what is “offensive” about contributing to the house itself. Seems a little strange to me. I know my family would be incredibly supportive of this, and I know i’ve seen online house registries similar to the honeymoon registries out there. Do it!
Post # 10
ahhh I just remembered the website I was thinking of
Post # 11
We had friends do this when they got married only they were saving to buy new furniture. The bride actually enclosed a little note inside each invite, however i wouldnt recommend that. I would just let you MOH, mom and FMIL know and ask if they will nonchalantly spread the word.
Post # 12
First of all – we’re date twins!!! Whoop whoop!
I think it really depends on your guests. There is definitely the potential that some will find it rude but others will find it totally fine and practical. It all depends on your loved ones, really – which will likely include a variety of opinions.
I would still recommend registering for small things. I would feel bad giving a gift I could afford (poor grad student – I spend about $40 on a wedding gift) towards a house down payment because it would just feel so small and measly. But $40 can buy you a lovely set of wine glasses so I prefer to get people gifts as opposed to cash.
I would definitely run it by the VIP family members though. My mom would be mortified if I did this and my grandparents would COMPLETELY freak lol.
Post # 13
I am one of the people (because I’m in your boat) that believes that giving people money towards a big purchase they want is better than giving them an item they put of a registry just because they were “supposed” to. (and I too received a pretty negative response from the hive when I brought this up before)
For my shower I made a registry of about 25 items ranging in price from $5-$75. But I told my mom, grandmother, and MOH that what we really wanted was money towards a house and it was their job to spread the word if people asked. At the shower I got about 50/50 cash and gifts (but oddly 1 item off the registry).
For the wedding the same word is being spread around. For weddings around here most people give cash anyway but the registry is still available for people who prefer “real” gifts.
There was no mention of wanting anything material or otherwise on the invites (which is key!) Word of mouth is the way to go. I wouldn’t make a honeyfund style account either because 1)that makes it feel even less personal than putting it in a card and actually giving it to you and 2) most charge you or the giver something for acting as a middle man, and thats just lame.
bottom line- don’t feel pressured into asking for things you don’t want. People are going to get you what they want to get you, graciously except whatever they give and hope that most will understand where you’re coming from.
Post # 14
Maybe you could make a very limited registry- and then say something like ‘please no boxed gifts at reception’ this way it looks like you don’t want to lug presents around…. at this point it is most likely an inconvenience to get a gift and ship it- waaay easier to write a check.
Also depends on your guest list- if they’re young and hip- I think everyone would understand, but the older set might be offended….
Post # 15
Just wanted to throw in another supportive vote. The previous posters have already expressed my thoughts on this so I won’t repeat but just wanted to give you the thumbs up. I would love to contribute to my friends’ or family’s house fund. That is way more substantial than any toaster, china or towels they would have on their registry.