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My FML made a suggestion that got my fiance thinking... and me uncomfortable.
When she learned that we were planning on going to Bali or Tokyo for two weeks she suggested that we scrap the whole honeymoon idea (because it's a "waste of money") and opt to buy a house instead.
She also threw in a little incentive: She said that if we opt to buy a house and forgo the honeymoon, she will "contribute" to our downpayment.
Yeah. Right. -- is what I have to say to that!
I know that she just means well, but she has made promises in the past that she hasn't kept. Also, I WANT to go on a honeymoon. Fiance and I hardly get to travel and this will be one opportunity for us to have a nice trip before we start saving for a house and planning a family.
Problem is... my fiance now WANTS to do what his mother is suggesting. I'm a little bit pissed off. He is now singing her song of "a house is more practical than a honeymoon."
Any words of wisdom for me? How do I convince him that a honeymoon isn't such a bad idea?
Honestly, depending on how much money she would give you, I would go for getting the house. Make her "show you the money" first though. If she doesn't then go for the honeymoon.
Personally, I'm with your fiance on this one. I would rather have a house than a vacation.. it's an investment in your future.. and you can always go on vacation later. That being said.. I have had the chance to travel with my husband a lot and we also decided to delay our honeymoon because our schedule didn't allow for it right now so I'm biased. Can you maybe compromise? Instead of doing such an elaborate honeymoon you could put a large amount of money towards a house.. and then going on a shorter trip somewhere closer.
I think a honeymoon is a very important part of the newlywed experience. If you don't do one, even a small one, you may regret it. It's a time to unwind and relax with your husband, talk talk talk about your future, and make memories that will stick with you long into the relationship. You should try to think of a compromise here. Can you do a less expensive honeymoon closer to home AND get a house?
A house is more practical than a honeymoon...BUT a honeymoon isn't supposed to be practical! It's supposed to be fun and romantic and as lavish as you want it to be. Honestly I think it's kinda rude of you MIL to suggest that. She should mind her own bees wax lol. FI and I will move into his little appartment after our honeymoon while we save up again for a good downpayment. Plus once you buy a house you never know if you will ever have a chance to have that romantic getaway!
@ Tulip61110 - She said she would give us $5000... which is not much towards the downpayment of a house. We already have quite a bit put away, so that $5000 (which will probably not even manifest) is not that big of a help. Plus, we already had a plan in place: get through wedding and honeymoon, finish school (he's doing his PhD)... then buy a house. Her suggestions, however well-intended, are screwing up our plans.
My FMIL did something similar to us, she offered us 20k to not have a big wedding and just go to the courthouse instead. I was offended that she tried to bribe us into doing what she felt was best and we told her no thank you. A lot of things are more practical than weddings/honeymoons but its not wrong to want a honeymoon. Honestly, I'd go on the honeymoon.
That's tough, on one side of the coin, they're right. A house is more practical than a trip. But I'm like you, I see the honeymoon (and this whole summer for us personally) as a chance to do the things you haven't been able to do, to take a once in a lifetime trip. And after that, you can save for a house. My step father gets sooooo angry when I say stuff like that, his priorities and mine have always differed. Anyway, I'd weigh the pro's and con's with your FI. You don't want to scratch the honeymoon if you can't rely on her offer. But I would be careful when talking to your FI about this, I've fallen in traps before in similar situations. My FMIL is great, she's such a sweet woman, but she's also been known to bite off more than she can chew, so she'll offer something that she can't fulfill. But if I said something even remotely not positive, my FI freaks out! And the whole convo goes down in flames.
@ sunnydebs - Thank you! That's exactly what I was aiming for-- a chance to get away and unwind and talk, talk, talk, with my fiance about our future.
@ JennyChicago - My brother told me the exact thing you just said, which is that once we buy a house we'll never know when we'll get to have a romantic getaway.
In terms of a compromise, I can forget about Bali because it is quite expensive... but Tokyo is already cheap. We would spend the same amount for two weeks in Tokyo, as if we decided to go to the Caribbean for a week.
I would like to compromise and have a small, cheap honeymoon... but where? Hawaii is not cheap. Fiji is definitely not cheap. Nothing is cheap these days :-/
I would go on the honeymoon as well...but my FI and I are also people who don't have a problem with renting for the forseeable future. Owning a house isn't important to us, so I'm definitely biased on the side of going on a fabulous honeymoon--and Bali or Tokyo would be pretty fabulous. I would talk to your FI and see if you guys can come to an agreement on it. It might be that he thinks about it for a few more days and realizes that, hey, the money she wants to give us isn't that much and I DO want to go on a honeymoon. But I would definitely let him know how you feel.
I have to side with your FMIL and fiance on this one. Could you maybe take a mini-moon, a long weekend someplace not too expensive, and then buy a house? It's so much more practical.
I understand why your FI sees this as a great idea, but once you own a house your trips will probably be limited for the first couple of years. You only live once and once you are a homeowner you will be a homeowner forever. FI and I decided to only put 15% down instead of 20% so we could afford to take our honeymoon and I do not regret that decision at all. Enjoy your new marriage and your honeymoon and escape for a little while together.
In regards to compromise, my brother went to Sandals in St.Lucia for 10 days all inclusive and the flight was only $5,000. Just an idea.
You said that he is getting his PhD. Does that mean he is not working right now? I would make sure that you have stable incomes and money saved up in case of emergencies (broken furnace, leaking roof, etc) before you purchase a house. I might consider doing a less extravagent honeymoon so that you can keep that money saved to buy a house and for life emergencies (because you never know if you are going to end up losing your job or getting injured).
I vote for the honeymoon!! We already owe a house - I wanted a house before I wanted a ring or a wedding - the house was more important at the time.
You said your FI is getting his PhD? So I am assuming he will be making more $$ in the future? Which means getting the house down the road is VERY possible! Travel while you can now!! If you put off your honeymoon, you may find yourself married for 10 years, kids, a house, and STILL waiting to take that honeymoon!
And don't count on the $$ until its in your hands aka bank account!
I say have the honeymoon. You could compromise and look for a cheaper honeymoon. Tokyo really isn't a cheap place to be. Maybe a carribean trip or the coast in Mexico? These are all things that can be done for $2500 if you are prepared to do a lot of online research/shopping around. That said, I think if you guys can afford the honeymoon you in Bali or Tokyo you should go for it.
You obviously already have plans putting you on the path to home ownership. It is very important to enjoy our lives and not focus exclusively on attaining stuff. $5,000 simply would not be enough incentive for me to give up a hineymoon. $20,000 would be more like it :)
To each her own, but for us, a vacation isn't something to put off, especially if it's a once in a lifetime thing like a honeymoon! I don't know if you two are planning to have kids, but a new house + prego probably means you'll be at home for a pretty long while!
My advice: Tell him stories about how couples that's been married for awhile always seem to look back fondly on their honeymoon. Memories like that will last a lifetime! A honeymoon (often times) is different from a wedding because it's just for the both of you and no one else 
Also, remind him that it might be a very long while before the two of you can have a vacay if you put it off now and plunge into homebuying.
As for your MIL saying she'll pay for a portion of the downpayment ... it really sounds like her intentioms aren't where they should be -- if she wants to help with the house, she should just help and not make any demands with it! It kinda sounds like a control thing - and man, do I hate that kind of stuff! BUT even if she did help pay, I think it's all the more reason to go on the honeymoon!
For us, we ended up not having a formal wedding (just the two of us) and we're both thrilled about it cause it better suits our personality and us being overseas, it was just the easiest option. But we are having a honeymoon! It's not the most expensive vacation we've taken together, but I had something affordable in mind in case we did find a house. It turned out great because after we booked and paid for the honeymoon, we found a house!
I honestly don't know if we would have spent the same amount on our moon if we bought a house first. I'm thinking we would've slashed it a bit or shortened it. But we didn't spend too much anyway, so thankfully it all worked out! (I just hope it continues that way!)
If you aren't sure your FMIL will give you the money then don't even take that into consideration.
However, your FI does have a good point that a house is a bit more practical than a honeymoon. I don't think anyone should completely forgoe a honeymoon, even if it is a stay-cation. I would take the honeymoon, but try to make it as cheap as you can. Do you really need a luxury hotel? Would a basic/standard room be just as fine, etc etc. Maybe try to cut it back to a shorter period of time.
It sounds like you guys are already on a good track to buy a house if you have that money saved up. Plus, is there any uncertainty that you would have to move after the Phd program is complete? Wouldn't that be silly to buy a house now, only to have to sell it later?
@ MissAsB - yes he's doing his PhD but part time... so he's bringing in income as well. He's a hardworking guy, very practical and he's not into frivolous things. We have a lot of $ saved up because of this characteristic of his. I would also like to do a less extravagant honeymoon, but I can't find any cheap ones... except for Cuba, and I'd really rather not go to cuba. But I'm checking out St. Lucia, as per roxy821's suggestion.
@ MrsJKH2be - Yes, getting a house down the road is very possible for us. We already started saving for that a long time ago. And you're SO right, if we put off the honeymoon now we might never get to go. We have friends who have been married for years who are still waiting to go on their honeymoon. Ugh, I don't want that!
I think the FMIL is being a little manipulative. If she wants to gift towards a house, let her write you a check. I don't see why such a generous gift would hinge on your plans to have a honeymoon, which isn't an unreasonable thing to do after a wedding. If i were in your place, I'd politely decline and enjoy your honeymoon. Remind your FI that with a house comes stuff - furniture, broken things, exterminators, all of the bills, etc. It'd probably be better to have a house when both of you were finished school and had a steady income. It's great if you have some money saved up, but buying a house isn't pay, boom you're done. It's pay for the house, and pay for a zillion other things you never even thought about. You may not get a chance to do a 2 week getaway w/ jobs, house, etc in the future.
as someone who bought a house before getting married I say go for the honeymoon. A house is a big investment and drains a lot of your time and money. Might as well have one last hooray and vacation before sinking all of your money into a house! I am sort of looking forward to renting again someday, I don't always enjoy being a homeowner.
for me and my fiance, travelling and experiencing the world is more important than a house. do you ever see articles about those well educated couples who make decent money and yet refuse to buy a house? that's us. we rent a condo, save for retirement and trips, and are perfectly happy doing this (in fact, we've even discussed that we are both okay with popping out a baby in our rented condo). we have no desire to own a house right now, even though he is pretty much the only one his age (hes 30) who doesnt. i would pick the honeymoon, because travel and experience is more important to me :)
you guys need to figure out what your priorities are and go with that.
A honeymoon is an investment in your future together. I think owning a house is a great thing, but it isn't the end all and be all of financial stability.
@ Vitsippa - Thank you! I will tell him stories of couples who have been married for a while who look back fondly at their honeymoons. It's a once-in-a-lifetime trip. I mean, it will be a different feeling from all other trips because we'll be newlyweds who are just starting a life together. It's not like we can honeymoon six years later. A house can come along later in life. Speaking of which, congratulations on your new home :)
Just so you know, we didn't get to go on a honeymoon and I'm a little sad about that. But traveling is a priority for us so I'm not really that worried about not having gone right after the wedding.
@ Melissabegins - yup, she's being very manipulative. She keeps insisting that we are "throwing away money" on a honeymoon. I think it's unfair of her to do this! And thanks for pointing out the fact that buying a house isn't a one-step process. It involves so much more time and energy :(
@ blondeebuckeye - one of our dear friends is a doctor (plastic surgeon) and he makes GREAT money... however, he doesn't own a house because, like you, he prefers to travel the world. He goes on two to three vacations a year. He likes exploring new cultures, he says it's so much more rewarding and exhilirating than owning a home. I totally understand where you are coming from. I don't care about a house, I'd rather travel. Wish I could live that life! :)
@ MissAsB - You just recently got married in June right? :) You guys are still technically fresh newlyweds. Any trip you take now can be considered your honeymoon :)
Go on the honeymoon. It sounds like you are extremely financially responsible, have savings and will not have trouble purchasing a house in the not too long term future.
My grandmother left me some money and I used it to travel the world. It put off our buying a house by 2 years, but i wouldn't change that for anything!
Bali is an amazing place and MUCH cheaper than Tokyo-go there and you will definitely save a little money.
Hmm, this is tough.
Are you even considering being home-owners in the near future? I think that will weigh most in your decision.
For me, because I do want a house in the near future, I would ask your FMIL how much money she would contribute, and I would want it in my bank account before you made any decisions. If she does contribute a significant amount, it's worth considering. And if you find out she's bluffing, then your decision has been made!
I honestly think either decision is just fine. I'm big into traveling, too, and know the importance of splurging on that as well.
@AmberEyes: We actually got married last June so not as fresh as other newlyweds on here! We are going away next week for the first time since the wedding, which is exciting!
There wasn't really that kind of incentive for us but we DID skip the extravagent honeymoon and bought a house 2 months after the wedding. It was right for us but that doesn't mean it's right for anyone else. It also helps that we're not planning on having kids for at least a few years so we have plenty of time to travel.
Having a house is awesome and so much better than renting... but I'm with you, I definitely wanted the honeymoon experience. We spent pretty much all of our money on buying the house, so when it came time for the honeymoon we were pretty broke. His grandparents were wonderful and offered us to use their timeshare though so we are using some of our wedding money to cover the rest of the cost.
haha, i'm in the opposite predicament. My parents have $15.000 that they are planning on giving me and my SO for "whatever" assuming it would either be a wedding or a downpayment on a house. I would SO much rather scrap the whole wedding, do it short and sweet at the courthouse and start our lives together on a financial high note with a house. FI will have none of it though and HE's the one who wants the big wedding... oh well...
I would take the house (money up front, dur) and go on our honeymoon 6 months or a year down the road. A honeymoon is nice, but a house is a HOME. when it boils down to it, a honeymoon is just a vacation. It's over in a week or two. A house lasts for years....you'll have fond memories of ALL your vacations!
we had our downpayment gifted to us. I cannot tell you how amazing it was. we would not have a home now if we hadn't had the down payment. we had the honeymoon, too, and hands down, the house meant more. just make sure she'll actually follow through with it.
Personally, I don't think it's her business what you two do with your own money.
Hm...I'd make sure she has the money. Then compromise, a cheaper honeymoon and a house, unless you two aren't planning on staying where you're currently at for the long term.
Oh, I agree with beekiss about making sure that you plan on living there for a while. We are renting out our house because we couldn't sell it in this bad economy.
Have you seen Up?
GO on feckin' honeymoon!!!
Once you start into the house stuff, every flippin year there'll be some kind of maintenance/disaster that needs a cash injection which could prevent you getting a vacation. Go while the goin's good!!
And God in a funny way I'm grateful that our folks aren't contributing any money to wedding etc stuff. I've read so many many posts here on the boards about families giving 'gifts' that seem to have major strings attached.
Either she wants to help you buy a house or she doesn't. Where you choose to be for a fortnight after your wedding shouldn't matter a damn to her. She's trying to assert a lil bit too much control, IMO.
I am gonna say go on a honeymoon. I feel you deserve that if you can afford it. Dont let ppl throw wrenchs in your guys's plan. I understand that it is more practical but there is nothing practical about a wedding, it is suppose to be all about what you guys want and celebrating your love together. If you already made a long term plan with your future hubs then stick to what you guys feel works for you.
Go on the honeymoon! We're going to Bali for a month right after the wedding and I'm so excited. The flights are pretty expensive, but you can travel cheaply once you are there. We have a "fancy" place booked for the first 4 nights and then we're going to wing it after that. Owning a house is important, but once you do its much harder to go on extended vacations.
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