Post # 1
Hi bees, hope you are all ok and (fellow British Bees) that you enjoyed the long weekend!
This is a rambling thought rather than a question or problem… I thought I’d see what other people think about doing things in a particular ‘order’.
My bf and I rent a place together and want to buy somewhere in 2-3 years when we’ve saved up enough money for a decent deposit. I fully expect that we will be engaged by then (we’d better be!!!), so there’s no real issue there, but recently I’ve been thinking that, even if we miraculously came into some money right now, I’d still want to be engaged (although not necessarily married) before we bought a house. I know that both things can be important steps in a relationship, but I feel that being engaged would be the confirmation I needed that we were committed enough to one another, and in the right place in our relationship, to go on and make this big financial decision. However, my friend who recently got engaged, bought a house with her now Fiance about a year before he proposed. To her, it was an important ‘first step’ on the road to commitment, which made her sure that marriage would be next. I just thought it would be interesting to hear what other people’s views are on the order in which these things should happen?
Post # 3
OMG I would NEVER buy a house with my boyfriend without a ring. But I’m biased–I’m a financial advisor so I err on the overly cautious side of all money issues lol
I just think if someone can commit to a 30 year mortgage, they should be able to commit to at least the next 30 years being your husband!!!
Post # 4
I’d rent/live with a boyfriend but I’d never buy a house with a boyfriend unless there was a ring on my finger.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Mr. LK and I fully intended to buy a home before we were married, but the housing market had other plans for us. LOL Prior to beginning the home shopping process I made it very clear to him that I would not purchase a house together without a ring on my finger, a date set, and vendors booked. For me, I needed the commitment of an engagement and active planning before I could feel comfortable buying a home together.
That said, dear friends of ours went about it in the exact opposite order. They bought a home together in 2010, got engaged in 2012, and will be married in 2013. They knew they were together for the long haul, marriage or not, and they wanted to buy a house. They saw no reason to delay getting a house simply because they were not engaged or married, so they went for it. They’ve also been friends for almost 2 decades and had been in a committed relationship with one another for 6 years when they bought the house, so it wasn’t like they went into the decision with blinders on. They did what works for them, and I know that neither of them regrets the decision.
Post # 6
Yea.. I agree with the pp’s… then again I told my Fiance that I wouldn’t even live with him until I had a ring. But in your case.. yea before making that giant lieap I’d at a MIN be engaged. As the infamous Beyonce would say “If you like it then you should have put a ring on it!” 😉
Post # 7
If equal money were being saved and put into buying the house, I’d have no problem with buying together before engagement if I saw a future together and an engagement/marriage happening. I house purchsed together at any point, dating, engaged, or even married, is going to have to be split and dealt with at any of those stages. In my case though, iI was not willing to buy a house without the engagement and plans in the works toget married because I was putting down 100% of the down payment on it.
Post # 8
It just so happens that my FH and I started talking about houses around the same time we talked about getting engaged. As the months dragged on, with no ring, I began to realize that we’d probably be buying a house before getting engaged. I knew we would be engaged sooner or later, no doubts about it but I also knew that the house was very important to him and to me.
I literally had just settled into the thought that we would buy a house before I had a ring on my finger, when he proposed. So now it became the question of house first or marriage first. And it’s looking like house first just because of loans. We make too much together to get some of loans we are looking at. But if either of us applied alone, we’d probably qualify. So our plan right now is house in early next year, wedding in the summer. I have no idea how we will afford both but we’ll do it.
I really think it depends on the couple. If you know it’s forever, then why not buy a house before getting married. Just make sure all your bases are covered.
Post # 9
I refused to get a house before a ring…. I wanted to know the comitment was there. but I have a friend, who says it dont matter, that at 30 year morgage is a comitment… she got the ring first tho
Post # 10
We did things a little mixed up 🙂
We lived together in an apartment for 3-4 years before we purchased a house. After living in the house for a year, then we got engaged..
Then we had a baby, and now we’re getting married in a week or so! lol
Personally, I like having the house already bought and whatnot. It allowed us to really see what we’re like in a different environment. Living in an apartment is one thing, but once your a home owner, you see all new sides of your significant other! lol
Post # 11
I can definitely see how each person would find logic in their order. For me I think I’d at least like to be engaged, if not married, before owning a house with someone. Even an engagement to me wouldn’t necessarily mean I wanted to jump into a huge financial decision with someone like a house.
Post # 12
i think it’s an each to his own thing. but i personally would never buy a house with someone unless we were married. this is coming from someone who also would not live with them unless engaged (not a long, no-set-date engagement but with concrete plans for marriage), so obviously i have strong feelings about this, but as i said that’s just my personal view. i’m sure you’ll do what feels right for you!
Post # 13
When we first started ring shopping, we were living seperate. When I moved back into the Northeast, we were house shopping, but couldn’t find anything we liked, so we agreed on an apartment for a year, to save up MORE money and to live together, as well as invest in good furniture (this is important to me! haha). I wouldn’t agree to marry someone without living together in some way, though. I’ve had relationships die the minute we were living together, and money came up, etc.
At first, the rings we were looking at were 10-15k, and he was all for it, but it eventually dawned on me that that 10-15k, would be coming out of savings that could go to a home. We have house savings, not ring savings. I don’t need a ring to tell me that he is the one I’m going to marry. We ARE commited. We wouldn’t even be talking about marriage if we weren’t serious about this.
I also know that after working in mortgage modifications, short sales, and foreclosures, that I want to be financially set in our home, and that’s more important than a ring as well. If we can take that money for a ring, put it into our home, whether for down payment, moving costs, or a safety nest if something was to go wrong, or we needed to replace something major in the first year or so.
Whether its a house or its a ring, its still a form of commitment to me. He wouldn’t buy a house with just anyone, and I wouldn’t either. To me a house is a bigger form of commitment than marriage though.
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
We dated for about 6 months before we moved in together (a bit rushed, but my lease was up, and I’d been spending almost every night at his place anyway)
We got engaged at 2 1/2 years together, August 2010
Bought a house at 4 1/2 years together, August 2011
And will be married at about 5 1/2 tears together, July 2012
For us, we were in college when we met, and both agreed that it was smart to graduate before making any other “big” steps. So, we got engaged right before graduation.
We then moved 400 miles away, and set up our new life together (renting) and started saving for our future. In June 2011 we decided we had enough money to either buy a house, or get married (again, engaged for about a year at this point) but couldn’t afford both at the same time.
So, we elected to buy the house first– found the house of our dreams, and now, a year after that– we are having the wedding of our dreams too!
Post # 15
I think it’s definitely dependent on the couple. Fiance and I have lived together for 3 1/2 of the 4 1/2 years we’ve been together. We had many convos about marriage, buying a house, etc and we both felt that it was important to be engaged at least before buying a house together. We got engaged NYE 2011 and are getting married next year. We’re hoping within a year after the wedding we can buy.
Everyone is different but a close friend was in a situation somewhat recently, where his girlfriend of 7 years (no ring) and him bought a house together, she paid the downpayment and he contributed to the mortage payment every month but her name was on the mortgage and deed because he was paying down debts at the time the house was purchased. I guess her credit was better? Needless to say they broke up, she is in the house still and owes him thousands of dollars and it’s going through courts now where she will have to probably sell or take a big loan to pay him back what he is owed. That being said, they had a lot of issues besides that and buying a house together. If you feel together that it’s the right time to buy and have an equal stake in it, then go for it.
Post # 16
We knew we’d be together, so I wanted a house first! We had been together for 3.5 years, living together for 2.5 years. Part of the reason was taking advantage of the $8000 tax credit for first time home buyers. I had sizeable savings so I put the down payment on the house. He refused to finance a ring and I wanted a nice one, so I waited another 1.5 years until we got engaged! Now we’ll be married in under 2 months on the 6 year anniversary of the day we met 🙂
Would I have loved to be in a position to have afforded a house and a ring? Of course, but I didn’t want to delay the home buying process just to have a ring on my finger that I knew was on it’s way. I’m so glad we did what we did because we got a HUGE tax return this year because of the mortgage interest tax deduction and it’s actually helping to pay for the wedding!