Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 6 years (I’m 28) and he seems very keen on getting married and having children (he mentions it a fair bit and tells me that he wants to be with me forever, etc), but he absolutely will not marry me until we buy a house together and are “settled.” He wants to buy a big expensive house, and it’s really stressing me out. He says he wants me to have my “dream home” so that I feel good about raising children in it and we’re finally “settled” as opposed to the house that we live in now. I don’t think there’s too much wrong with the one we’re in now (it’s a townhouse, but not exactly tiny).
I feel like this can’t be normal. I feel like we’re never going to get married and I feel like I’m getting old. We’ve looked at a million houses and we’re no closer to buying anything. I wish we could just buy an in-between house, somewhere in the middle of our price range, instead of way at the upper end and be financially strapped. When I mention this to him, he doesn’t seem to understand that if we’re paying 50% of our income towards housing, there will be no money left over for kids.
Argh. Help! I’m really stressing about this! I told him a year ago that I’m ready to get married and this just isn’t happening. He seems so keen to do it, but it’s as if the can keeps getting kicked further and further down the road.
Post # 3
Tell him you need a ring on your finger to spend that kind of money on a house. If he wants to be truly “settled”, it makes sense to marry you already. You can get married after you buy the house, but an engagement is in order.
Lots of people are together for like 10 years, then get married, then live happily ever after. But a bunch of others are stuck in relationships that never end in marriage. You’re not crazy for worrying he’ll never marry you if you buy the house and continue to play the awesome GF/wife like you’ve been doing for 6 years. Anything is possible.
Post # 4
Sounds like he’s stalling.
Post # 5
@BluebonnetBride: You’re much more eloquent that I am, but that pretty much sums up what I feel like. I think what’s especially bothering me is the fact that I feel rude to demand an engagement – I don’t want to issue ultimatums, or play games, I just want him to do the right thing.
What makes all of this worse is a couple of times when he’s been really mad at me, he’s said things like “and you want to get married?… you behave like *whatever* and you expect me to marry you? ” as if somehow I’m twisting his arm to get married, or that I’m so badly behaved that he’d never want to marry me.
Anyway, I’m just starting to get really stressed out about it and feel quite resentful – it’s at the point where if he proposed, I’m not really sure I’d even be excited about it. I feel like once you hit 3 years, it’s not really exciting anymore and you’re just…late. I don’t want to marry someone that’s had to think so hard about it for all this time.
Post # 6
@LadyDisdain: Honestly, I think he’s wasting your time.
Post # 7
My hubby was the same way. We were together since we were teenagers, but he always wanted to have a house before we got married…and that’s what we did, about 5 years into our relationship.
Engaged 6 years in…
Then we had a baby 7 years in.
Then we got married 8 years in lol.
A year after our marriage, we bought our second, dream home.
So yeah, we did things a bit ass-backwards.
The thing with a lot of men, is they see having a house first, as something important because they physically can see that they are providing for their family. For my DH, he wanted to make sure we could afford a home before we spent $$$ on a wedding. He’s very money-minded.
I would suggest that you guys at least get engaged while you’re house hunting, so long as the ring won’t interfere with a downpayment or something. There’s gotta be a compromise somewhere!
Post # 8
@LadyDisdain: Tell him that you don’t want to invest so much money into a home until you are married. I think this is the best compromise because he wants to wait to buy a home before having a marriage and kids, but you don’t really see the point. I think getting married first is a nice halfway point, so you can continue to search for a new home during the engagement and beginning of the marriage. 28 is by no means old, but you are getting closer to 30, so I assume that you want to start your family sooner rather than later. I would work out a budget to show him that if you are bringing home, say $4,000 per month, that if you’re spending $1,500 on mortgage alone plus utilities, other bills, etc. it would be very hard to have a family. Maybe try pricing diapers, formula, etc. to show him how much a baby would cost on top of just your average living expenses.
Post # 9
@LadyDisdain: You feel like this can’t be normal – you’re right, it isn’t. Psychologists call this behavior “future faking.” He isn’t taking real steps towards his stated goal, and is throwing up road blocks where none exist.
Post # 10
We bought a house before getting engaged and I am completely for it. However, it sounds like you both need to get on the same page about what you want first. Buying a smaller starter home is a great way to get into the market. That’s what we did and even though we will not stay there forever, we are building valuable equity towards that dream house. Buying an expensive house isn’t a bad idea if you know for sure that you will raise a family there, but it sounds like he hasn’t thought the finances through. I like @beetee123‘s idea of showing him some budgets to factor in baby expenses on top of house payments. You could also try meeting with a financial planner for a more unbiased view of what you should be doing with finances. That may help him realize that it would be better to buy something modest now and focus on the dream house after marriage.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@LadyDisdain: So he can make a 30 year commitment to a mortgage but not at least a 30 year commitment of marriage? I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I wasn’t at least engaged to and I would make sure my name is all over the paperwork so that if something were to happen before the wedding, his family couldn’t just show up and evict me.
In your situation I wouldn’t buy a house with him without a wedding date set in stone. He’s stalling and it would worry me that he does care about you but he doesn’t actually want to marry you. Especially his comments about “and you want to get married?” when he doesn’t like something you do or say. I would refuse to talk about a house without figuring out the marriage aspect and if he can’t figure it out in the next 6-9 months my happy butt would be packed up and leaving him.
I know a lot of guys and by the time they are 28+ they start seeing their friends settling down and getting married and having kids. Some guys are totally cool with continuing to hit up the bars and bang random chicks. But at some point a switch gets flipped and they literally marry the next chick they date and can put up with. I’m sorry but I think you are the girl before the wife with your BF; he knows but he’s just not saying anything because he hopes you’ll figure it out and leave him so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy,
Post # 12
@LadyDisdain: Wow, how rude that he says you aren’t behaving properly and so are therefore unmarriable. Ugh!
I personally wouldn’t buy a house with someone I wasn’t at least engaged to.
Just wondering, have you pointed out to him that his goal of buying you your “dream home” is silly because you are happy with the home you already have? Otherwise it’s almost like he’s saying, “It’s *your* fault we aren’t engaged yet because we don’t have *your* dream home yet.” Which is clearly untrue as YOU aren’t the one who wants a big home…HE is.
@beachbride1216: “So he can make a 30 year commitment to a mortgage but not at least a 30 year commitment of marriage?” +1
Post # 13
I’d actually be more concerned about his financial planning than anything else. Realistically in this market (assuming you’re in the US), you’re not going to get a loan anymore if the payments are half of your combined income. There’s nothing wrong with buying a house first – we did. It was a purely financial and logical decision, due to current vs forecast mortgage rates, available inventory, etc. Plus we live in a community property state, so the timing was irrelevant.
I’d strongly suggest sitting down with a financial planner, and discuss your goals and income. That way, you can see what’s feasable, and have a discussion with your SO about realistic plans.
Post # 14
“I feel like we’re never going to get married and I feel like I’m getting old …”
OP you are speaking words straight out of my heart, I am in the almost exact situation as you. I am 25 years old and my bf is 28, we have eben dating for 9 years.
All of our friends are married or have kids. i think thus he feels very pressured.
He is desperate to start building our house by the beginning of next year. He gives me the impression that he won’t marry before I am pregnant. This is making me very sad …
Post # 15
@LadyDisdain: What makes all of this worse is a couple of times when he’s been really mad at me, he’s said things like “and you want to get married?… you behave like *whatever* and you expect me to marry you? ” as if somehow I’m twisting his arm to get married, or that I’m so badly behaved that he’d never want to marry me.
This man just parked the red flag trailer in front of you. I’m dead serious. As someone who bought a house with my FI before getting engaged, let me tell you that getting out of a mortgage is a world harder than getting out of a marriage. From what you’ve stated above, you’d serve yourself well to not do either one.
It would be extremely wise of you to take a big step back from everything: the house and the marriage, and look at everything about himself that he’s showing you, whether he realizes he’s showing you who he is or not.
Post # 16
Wow. I would tell hmi “No house without a ring” and then I would STAND MY GROUND. If you say you want a ring first and then cave he will not take your desire for a ring seriously. My attitude is one needs to pick her battles, and this is a battle I would wage. Good luck to you.