Post # 1
My boyfriend and I went to a couple of open houses this weekend and talked about house stuff. We moved to a new area recently and have about 6 months left on our lease, so today we talked about it being time to start getting things in motion to buy a house.
That’s scary and confusing enough, because I’m really conflicted on where I want to live. He LOVES where we live now, and I like it too but my commute is really long (45-55 minutes) and I don’t know anyone here. At first I thought I wanted to buy a house on the other side of our metro area, nearer to people that I know and more activity in my career industry. But the commute wouldn’t necessarily be better, and I’m not sure I want to risk potentially moving someplace worse for him and maybe not really any better for me.
Then I brought up the fact that it might be a bad idea to get loans and make purchases of hundreds of thousands of dollars without being married. So we talked about that some. He would be totally happy to be my husband (so sweet) but is kinda scared of a big wedding production. Once again I am totally confused and conflicted on what I want.
For better or worse I tend to be a content person and take life as it comes. So part of me feels like “why mess with a good thing, why add the stress of this whole marriage deal?” But we are definitely meant to be together for the long haul, and it does seem stupid to buy a house together and not be married. So part of me just wants to pull the trigger and run off and get married with just him and my parents. For most of my life I never saw myself eloping though, because friends are important to me… but since moving 4x in the last few years I don’t really have any friends, and the ones I do have are guys from work who wouldn’t participate in wedding stuff. So I think I might end up super disappointed if I tried to have a “real” wedding.
WTF bees. This is all such great stuff but instead of feeling excited and happy I’m more just confused by all these choices. Please help me be more excited about marriage?
Post # 3
@4cube: I’m sorry this is a tricky situation. I think your just stressed about all the changes. I hate change. I will do anything and everything to avoid it. I hate even moving to a new house although it’s necessary. I think that’s what your dealing with.
I feel similiarly about a big wedding. I don’t have a big family and I have a few close friends but my FI doesn’t have many close friends at all. He however does have a bigger familiy. I just don’t know about planning a whole wedding. We were planning on doing a small wedding, then we were planning on doing an elopement. Basically go to the courthouse, get a photographer, get a small cake, do all your wedding stuff, go out dancing, get on a plane, run away to Paris or Italy, or any vacation. And that to me sounds easier.
If your not ready try to get approved for a loan without get married. It’s difficult but maybe you can do it. If it really isn’t worth it consider eloping!
Post # 4
My FI and I own a house together and have for years. The banks etc. didn’t raise an eyebrow. We did draw up a separate contract between us specifying how we’d dispose of property in the event we separated – sort of like a prenup without the nup.
Post # 5
I can totally see where you are coming from. My SO and I have been tossing around the idea of getting a house together, but honestly I just felt like I would be more comfortable if we were married first, or at the very least engaged. Its just something that I want for myself, I know the bank wouldn’t bat an eye at it otherwise (I work at a bank).
I know if I told my SO that I just wanted a small wedding, with family only, that I would get a proposal the next weekend. He is aprehensive of a traditional wedding, with budgets, dresses, cakes, fittings, tastings, and the whole nine yards. But honestly, I want it so bad that I cannot seem to bring myself to settling for something little…..call me selfish and crazy but thats how I feel. We have been together for 10 years now, so I have been waiting for a long time….can’t change my mind about what I want now.
Post # 6
Thanks ladies! I’m really glad to hear from folks who got loans together without being married – I wasn’t sure what was possible there, so it’s nice to know it’s an option. You all are so nice for listening to this rant.
Post # 7
@4cube: we bought a place together 4 years ago. No one cared-the bank, the lawyers. They just want to know you are a responsible borrower! Haha
Post # 8
Getting married doesn’t have to be a big production. I think you are smart to put your legal protection with the house first. If you were to buy a place, but not get married, i’d recommend having papers drawn up giving each of you survivorship rights in the case of a death etc. It will cost quite a bit (less than a wedding, though). Otherwise, either of you can lose the house to each other’s next of kin should something happen to one of you.
Post # 9
Thanks 🙂 Yeah we definitely have some work to do making sure that we’re knowledgeable about our financial/legal situation, whether we get married or not.
I just find myself wishing this whole thing were more exciting! I guess my boyfriend and I have gotten out of sync on marriage excitement. He was ready to consider marriage earlier than I was. By the time I was ready, he had lost his job and is now trying to start a business. I totally understand why he may not be as excited about getting married when he’s in such a financially iffy place. Plus we’ve been together 7 years, maybe it’s just too late for excitement?
I had hoped we would both be so stoked about this that it would become fun to figure out a wedding/elopement. Getting engaged is supposed to be exciting, but now it seems close to happening and it’s about as unexciting as it can be :
Post # 10
@4cube: In my opinion, a wedding is only as stressful as you let it be. We arent even engaged yet and have discussed just eloping to save ourselves the pain in the ass. So I feel ya there.
That being said, I work in the Mortgage industry and @geekspice: is 100% correct: I see many, many loans every single day where people are not married and just took the extra step to protect themselves in the event of a seperation. I’m not completely on-board with the “I’m not getting a house with someone I’m not married to”, because being married certainly doesnt make you exempt from the stress of figuring out a house during a divorce. So I advise you (wed or not) cover your butt from a legal standpoint if you choose to get a home together.