Post # 1
So right after our wedding (in April), we moved 30 minutes away from the city we used to live in and my husband started a new job. He has to commute about 30 mins each way everyday. I work from home, so I don’t have a commute. He works approximately 55 hours a week and I work 40. So last night we got in a huge fight about how he NEVER does anything around the house. And he tells me that his mom did all of the housework and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me (WHAT?!?!?) because he has to work more than I do. Uh… I’m sorry… I didn’t pick his job… So I told him that the day when I don’t have to work anymore, I will do 100% of the housework, but until then, I believe it should be split up. As of right now, I do the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, gardening, feeding and grooming our dogs, the bills, all of the paperwork, take out the trash (which by the way has to be driven to a dump b/c we don’t have trash pick up), etc…. He mows the lawn. I’ve told him that I don’t mind taking on a little more while he adjusts to his new job, but that I fully expect him to contribute his share once we are settled. Am I being completly unreasonable!?!? Please help. I’m at my witts end and I don’t know what to do!!!
Post # 3
Sounds like you’re being completely reasonable! Just because his parents had an arrangement that worked for them doesn’t mean thats the right arrangement for you two. It definitely makes sense that one partner should do more housework if the other has a significantly more draining job, though. Maybe he would be more willing to help if you agreed to work on chores without him for ~15 hrs/week (since he works 15 hours more than you) and anything over and above that, you could split up. I don’t necessarily think you both have to work exactly the same number of hours per week, but it might be a good way to get started.
Post # 4
I think guys are just completely clueless sometimes when it comes to “traditional women’s work” FH is the SAME way, except I work farther away and longer hours, plus IMHO I have a harder job. The worst part is I am usually home first (because I go into work earlier than him) and when I comes home I’ll ask him to help me clean up and he responds with, “you’ve been home for awhile, you clean it or I just got home why don’t you do it. It drives me nuts! He never does anything w/o first being asked but when I do ask, I’m nagging. He thinks because he takes out the trash then everything else is my job. Now that its football season I’ve been making a point to clean on Saturdays (college gameday) he gets furious with the vacuum going and me cleaning the tv. It’s childish but it gets him to help during the week now because he doesn’t want me bothering him when the games on. So no real advice you just gave me a reason to rant along with you.
Post # 5
I think setting expectations early is important. I am in a very similar situation to you in that my FI works more hours/week than I do, and I also work mostly from home. So sometimes its just easier for me to do stuff because I’m home all day and have no commute vs. him not getting home until 7 or 8pm. But, we make a point to clean together. I do still feel I do more than he does, but kind of only because I take it upon myself to do. Whenever I ask him if we can spend a few hours TOGETHER cleaning on the weekend he is always perfectly happy to pitch in and clean the house together.
Post # 6
I think you both need to discuss your expectations for house work as well as what you think is fair. This is your life not his parents and just because he spends more time away from home doen’t mean he should do 5% of it. Be honest and stand up for yourself. Marriage is a commitement and it should be fair between you two.
Post # 7
oh man I’m a big proponent of housework being split up! (unless you’re a homemaker). I lived with my ex-bf and we had more arguments about the division of household chores than anything else.
I really think you need to sit down and draft a plan of who does what. And it doesn’t make a difference if he makes a lot more money.
Post # 8
Did his mom also work fulltime?
This is a really tough issue with a lot of people. I tell my mom all the time I would love to have a CLEAN CLEAN house like hers but I work 6 days a week after she had kids she went between being a stay at home mom and working part-time and they had a house keeper.
Post # 9
Getting a cleaning lady was one of the best things we ever did for our relationship and our sanity. No more fights about cleaning and now we have more time to spend together instead of cleaning. She comes every other week and does the major cleaning. And the little upkeep in between is not a burden but mostly just clean up after ourselves as we go, (ie. dishes, trash) type of stuff.
Post # 10
You both work full-time, sure you don’t have the daily commute he does, but that leaves you enough time to what, make dinner?!
When we first moved in together hubs and I were in a similar situation and picking a ‘clean the house’ night and splitting the chores was a huge help. Neither of us likes cleaning but it needs to be done, and if you’re both working full time it’s so not fair to dump everything on one person.
I’d be wary of giving him too must ‘job adjustment’ time, the sooner you get yourselves into a routine the better, and easier it will be! Hope he steps up and starts helping you out a bit more!
Post # 11
If talking doesn’t work with him, I’ve always loved the idea of letting things go. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right? Stop doing everything. Let the dishes pile up and when there are no more, leave and go get something to eat on you own. No clothes? Wash your own.
The other option is to hire someone. I am currently tossing this idea around for the same reasons you posted here. I won’t do it now, but I plan on doing it when we get a house. DH said that he doesn’t want a cleaner because he doesn’t trust them, but either he helps out more or we hire someone and move on with our lives.