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Ok, so I am having a cash bar. IDK about how many people consider it tacky. FI and I are not drinkers, there will be at least one AA member there (family friend), I also have several very religious people who don't like alcohol, and I am on a small budget so I don't want to pay for drinks and security which is required with open bar. I will have a free champagne toast and I will let them be generous with the bubbly (not just a splash) and I am considering having a bottle of the traditional Lebanese celebraion drink (Arak) and pay a corkage.
This question is not about if you think cash bars are tacky or not, its about how common they are...I'm reading on the bee that cash bars are more common in some places than others. I've been to one wedding in Houston and it was cash bar and all the ones in San Antonio are cash bar. I would assume Texas is used to cash bars but I want to be sure.
Just because you and your FI are non-drinkers doesn't mean that the two of you can ignore the obligation you have to host your guests. We are both vegetarians, but will still served meat at the wedding because we cared about our guests' enjoyment.
Think of it this way: if someone comes to your house for Christmas or to watch a football game or for a dinner party, you have an obligation to give that person food and drink. You don't charge them per drink.
If you're trying to save money, consider a beer and wine only reception. Or consider having a fixed tab (where the first $2000 or so is on you, then anything beyond that is a cash bar).
But, yes, I think cash bars are tacky. A week later, all anyone will remember about your wedding was that you were the people with the cash bar. The only time I've seen it done in Houston was at a brunch wedding reception. Even then mimosas were free and anything beyond that was cash.
We provided beer and wine to our guests throughout the reception. My sister's wedding will be open bar. Most of the weddings I have been to in town have been open bar.
Definitely consider what's appropriate for your group of friends and not just the area. Houston is extremely diverse! And in the end, do what you can afford and what you feel comfortable with. No one can fault you for making a decision based on those two things.
Please do what you can and what fits your budget. If you cannot add an extra 2k to your wedding budget due to alcohol, then don't add it. Why should you care if people gossip about you that you had a cash bar at your wedding? Is that what they are going to be thinking 10, 20 years down the line? I believe people should do whatever their budget fits and if your budget doesn't fit alcohol, then so be it. Come to think of it, I checked out places in Houston, the cheapest I found was $21pp for 4hrs and since I am expecting 200 people, add that and the gratuity and it comes to a pretty penny. I'm taking a hatchet to my guest list though!!!
I used to work in wedding catering, and I've been to tons of weddings here, and I have to say that every one of them was an open bar wedding unless it was dry for religious purposes (usually Baptist weddings, from what I've seen). I would say, though, that you should do what works for you. Who cares what people are "used to"? It's your wedding and your money!
Also, if you're really, really worrying about people missing the alcohol, what about a coffee bar (toppings? Flavored syrups?) or a punch bar (mix your own flavors? different fruits?) or something kinda cool like that? If there's something to drink besides the standard water and iced tea, especially if it's interactive, maybe they won't think about it as much...
From what I gather on here, open bars almost seem like a regional thing. I'm from Canada and the only wedding I have ever been to (out of approximately 15-20 with couples ranging in age from early 20's to late 30's) with an open bar was a tented event in the bride & groom's backyard.
That being said, I personally resent how people think cash bars are "tacky", and I most certainly would not remember a wedding with a cash bar as a bad thing. Open bars tend to be very expensive, and I don't personally feel it should be a built-in obligation for the bride & groom to pay for this, and risk that people will take extreme advantage of such a thing. To compare a cash bar to making someone who comes to your house pay for a drink you offer them is ridiculous - you absolutely cannot compare the two.
If you are set on offering something, a fixed tab could be an idea. A growing trend I am seeing includes the option of one drink per guest included in the "dinner" price per person, or a bottle of white & bottle of red wine on the tables. I feel this breaks it up nicely - offers a "free" drink (or two) but not footing the bill for everyone.
Bottom line: do what suits your budget. Open bars can break the bank. If it's not financially possible, don't sweat it. I'm sure your true friends will be glad to simply share in your day, regardless of whether you are funding their alcohol bill.
@Miss Bubbles: I am offering a champagne toast, a signature drink (Arak) and non-alcohol bevs (punch, tea, coffee, soda) all night. That seems more than fair to me.
I think that sounds great. The signature drink and champagne toast are really nice additions!
@HisButtercup: I actually think a dry wedding is less tacky than a cash bar wedding. There's something that doesn't sit right with me when you have guests messing with cash and borrowing money from people because they didn't expect to need cash (we very rarely carry cash - pretty much debit card only - so we would need to leave to go to an ATM or borrow). It just creates a negative mood.
As for remembering it, when I think back to all the weddings I've been to, the first thing I remember is if someone did something embarrassing (fell down walking the aisle, really horrible singing, etc). Then I remember if I didn't get enough food (hors d'oeurves only for a 5-10 PM wedding reception) or alcohol (cash bar). If none of those are a problem, then I do tend to remember the wedding (usually the cake, the layout of the room, and the dancing). I'm not trying to be petty, but that's just how it sticks out in my mind. Talking to others, they're the same way.
As for a tight budget - trust me, I can relate. But if you're having an evening wedding, there are certain things that you must afford, otherwise you need to cut guests or save more. One is food, another is alcohol. You can get by without a DJ (using an iPod) and even with an amateur photographer, but to be a proper host, you need to be able to provide food and alcohol.
I have been to many weddings in Houston and San Anontio, and only one was a cash bar (in San Antonio--and I won't use the "T" word, but I will say that guests seemed a little "surprised" by it). However, I have been to several dry weddings in Houston. I agree with CoffeeHound that a dry wedding is better than a cash bar. And I think having a champagne toast and signature drink is perfectly fine--I wouldn't have a cash bar on top of that.
@piper: Yeah, that does sound nice. Signature drink + champaign, then just non-alcoholic drinks. You'll just need to have a lot of that signature drink because people will really down it if it's the only alcohol available.
The weddings that I have attended in Houston were either dry (perhaps with a champange toast) or open bar. The open bar, like mine, may have had very limited options, however. We only offered 2 kinds of beer, white wine and red wine.
@evalague - absolutely fair! I skipped right over the part you had written about the champagne toast - I agree totally! You should not have to sacrifice the time of your wedding, or "other costs" - ie, DJ - to accomodate an open bar. Stick to your priorities, and don't let anyone judge you or bully you with "the T" word - free alcohol, at least to me, certainly is not what makes or breaks a wedding; and you should never be forced to give up things that are important to you or be made to feel like you must have an open bar to have an evening reception - that is completely unfair.
If you are having reservations about any "awkwardness", maybe try to include it in the program in a subtle manner - ie - "Reception with Cash Bar" - to give your guests a heads up. If you have allotted time for photos after the reception, it will give any unprepared guests a chance to hit the ATM.
@CoffeeHound - if you're having an evening wedding, there are certain things that you must afford, otherwise you need to cut guests or save more
are you kidding me?
@invalid_username: No. The WIC has obviously created the ideas of "It's Your Day!!!" and "ANYTHING GOES!!!" to talk you into blowing your budget, but the reality of the fact is that your reception at its base is a hosted event. First and foremost, you need to be a good host.
If someone comes to your house, it's courtesy to offer free food and drink in exchange for their company. They then reciprocate with a gift to thank you for your hospitality. If you don't have the funds to be a good host, either don't have a reception, try to cut costs elsewhere to be a good host, or push back the wedding to be able to save more. I mean, would you ever have a bouncer at your home fridge charging for people to take out beer during a dinner party?
I mean, what's next? $30,000 dresses then offer "food for purchase" at the reception?
@CoffeeHound: I think that is the most Absurd thing I have ever heard. Its REDICULOUS to say if you can’t have an open bar you must have a dry wedding. As a guest at a wedding I would much rather have the choice to pay for a drink if I wanted one. If I have guests over my house for dinner of course I offer them a drink but I do not expect anyone to drink all the booze I have. We are having a cash bar because that is what is done around here. Even if I had no budget I would still not have an open bar people get far too drunk with open bars and I don’t want the drama & rowdiness from too drunk guests.
I think as long as you supply SOMETHING soda, juice whatever you are being a good host. Any free booze is a great gesture but of course is never expected. The wedding industry has gone out of control and you shouldn’t have to cut guests or anything else YOU want for YOUR wedding because someone tells you that you “need” to do something.
@mishelleez: And likewise, I believe providing a cash bar is absurd and "rediculous", so we are even, there. You can try to justify it all you want, but that's how I and most people feel.
If you live in an area where everyone expects to walk into a wedding and pay for drinks, that's one thing, but as I mentioned before, I think it's pretty tacky to have guests fishing through their wallets for money, leaving to find an ATM, asking their relatives to lend them some cash, etc. at your wedding. That's the sign of a poor host that isn't considering her guests. It would be especially tacky if the bride then walked in wearing a several thousand dollar dress and the wedding was held in some high-end location. That would make the guests feel like that were last on the list in terms of importance.
Eh, I don't agree with CoffeeHound. As a vegetarian, I didn't want meat at our wedding, but it was my husband's wedding, too, & he's a carnivore. You are under no obligation to serve anything at YOUR wedding that you don't want to. Guests don't like it? Don't come. I had several rude people tell me that I "owed" guests meat! -that'd they'd be expecting it! I even had a guest say that unless the filets were mid rare, he wouldn't attend (I shouldn't have even entertained such a ludicrous statement, but I assured him that's how we ordered them.) I believe in being a gracious host, but not at the expense of my beliefs. That being said, I am from Chicago, where cash bars are pretty much unheard of at weddings. I can see you reasoning, but do you really want anyone to use the word "tacky" in association with your wedding (as you did)?? I may be wrong -I DO think cash bars are more common in Texas. One of Mrs. Nachos' friends is a radio personality at our most popular radio station, and she and one of her co-hosts used to work in San Antonio. I vaguely remember them saying that cash bars are more of a thing down there. If I were you, I'd probably skip the booze altogether. I'd just do the champagne toast. Would you put the Arak on each table?
Ok, so, let me see if I understand the advice I am being given.... Since I am a horrible, ungracious monster for just having free champagne and signature drink, I need to replan my whole wedding!!!
Let's look at the logistics... As a couple who is celebate until marriage after 4 years of friendship and then 2 years of dating - and on top of this an older 30-something bride with hormonal issues who should really try to begin having a family NOW if she ever wants one... Should I remain celebate for another year or two and possibly miss out on my window of fertility while I save up for this cash bar or should I just start having sex with FI, get pregnant out of wedlock and forget our religious and cultural traditoins which we held our whole lives? I would have to pick one of the two.
Oh and I guess I need to forfeit all my deposits I already made on my May/2011 on my wedding date/time. So, now I have to not only save enough to make NEW deposits but also come up with another 5k for an open bar or just re-plan with an afternoon cake and punch reception... In this economy...
Yep, that's entirely fair. I'll get right on it.
Yeah comparing having company over to a wedding (which typically have a minimum of 40-50 people (but typically 100+) is kind of a bad analogy.
I was a little worried about some of our guests going overboard, and a few did, but it didn't ruin the wedding. I think it is a legitimate concern though.
I think having a signature cocktail/drink is a great compromise.
I respect what others have to say, but I think each couple needs to have their own priorities (in our case, food [and alcohol], music, & venue), but perhaps your are prioritizing a photog (or whatever) over booze, & I can't blame you.
I might include something on the tables or the guestbook table or bar (??) about the drink offerings. I would not put "cash bar" on my program. I think it's a good idea to give a head's up, but that might be, dare I say it, a little tacky. If you have a list of alcoholic (signature drink) and n/a drinks visible, people will get the message. I always bring a little cash to weddings to tip bartenders ("fancier" venues usually won't have this option), but at least I'd be prepared for cash bar. I prob. would just drink n/a drinks though. I have been to 2 dry weddings -one in CHI & one in Boston.
Not to be petty, but I'm not sure coffeehound's analogy is appropriate. When I have people over to my house, I don't expect them to go ransacking through hunting for alcohol. If I plan to serve them alcohol, then it will be out. I do not offer a full bar at my home, so why would I offer it at my wedding? If all I have at home is beer, then that's what my guests get. So, you're saying that I'm an ungracious host because I don't offer a full bar. What I think is worse is when only alcohol is available.
Since the original poster is an older bride (and I'm even older than she is), I don't think her guests expect a full, blow out booze session. I think that as we get older, we realize we don't have to have alcohol to have a good time--we're there for the company, not the alcohol. For example, my younger cousins had to make sure they had all the hard liquor at their weddings. What they did not consider was having non-alcoholic options. That, my friends, is more than being a bad host, it's a potential lawsuit waiting to happen.
Open bars are so expensive!! I understand where you're coming from. I considered having a cash bar too, but got my head eaten off by some facebook friends when I mentioned it. I've been buying bottled Bud Light and Coronas when they're on sale as well as Trader Joe's Two Buck Chuck. I plan to remove the labels from the two buck chuck and make my own. We're also doing mojitos as a signature drink. I could care less what people think of that. It's free alcohol. Take it or leave it.
@iswimibikeirun: I think that's a great point. Often, when guests come over we don't serve alcohol because it's expensive, we don't have any, etc. I don't offer every drink imaginable when guests come to my house for dinner, so it's an unfair comparison to make.
That's fine. If you want to take the approach that your wedding is all about you, then go with that. I mean, why even feed guests at that point? No alcohol, no food, and you might as well put the guests to work for you while they're there. After all, they come to serve you, right?
Please... I know that the WIC has gotten to many people with the "It's your day!!!" mentality, but it's ridiculous how many people are so blinded that every aspect of a person's wedding is sacrosanct.
@CoffeeHound: Not everyone can afford an open bar. That's really just the truth of it. It's so incredibly unfair to say that you might as well not feed guests if you aren't providing alcohol. It's quite an absurd comparison, if you ask me. Alcohol is not required at every event, and just because someone cannot afford something that doesn't mean they are being selfish.
@cardigan: Food is much more expensive than alcohol. Flowers are incredibly expensive. Dresses are incredibly expensive. Photographers are also expensive. Why not remove those from a budget?
@cardigan: Thanks. Like I said in my other post, I teach college and I have seen students POSTPONE THEIR EDUCATION and other crazy things just to cave into peer pressure to have a certain kind of wedding. I can handle being a minority in opinion on something (I'm Dave Ramsey weird), but there are lots of young women who can't. I feel for them, it breaks my heart, and though I started out just curious about Houston customs, I ended up trying to make a point about the kinds of consequences young women can have if they feel pressured to take on more wedding than they should.
Deep breath, everyone. It's just alcohol. I certainly agree that considering the desires of your guests is very important, so let's look at that. If the signature drink will be arak, consider who is on the guest list - are they mostly Lebanese? Will they know what arak is, and how it tastes? I personally love it, but folks who have little knowledge of the Lebanese culture may not enjoy it - or perhaps they will like trying something new! Only the couple knows their guest list well enough to make that decision. It's a cute idea to put it in the fountain. If you do decide to go for the arak, it may serve you well since people just don't drink it that quickly. It's not Bud, you know? On the other hand, if your guest list will consist mostly of non-Lebanese or non-adventurous folks, perhaps another route is best. Maybe a dry reception, maybe a reception using a creative idea like the one above - cheap wine, new label! Charles Shaw tastes just fine, is cheap cheap cheap, and your guests will never know.
Good luck!
@mundaetraversa: I think ANY signature drink will have its likers and dislikers. I think that the crowd will be split. Many will never have had it, but they will be curious and try it (and then it will split again on who likes it and who doesn't). The other half will be lebanese and they will drink it even if they hate it because its what you do, kinda like Russians and Vodka!!!
LOL, then I think you will be just fine. It will be an interesting thing, watching people try it and seeing what they think. It's even...kind of interactive. I once busted out a bottle of it at a party here in America, and everyone was all hypnotized watching it turn white. There were lots of 'ooohs' and 'aaahs', and even people who hated how it tasted remembered that party a year later because they got to try something different. I say go for it, and enjoy your wedding. Feel free to send me the leftovers, ha ha ha.
@CoffeeHound: The "WIC Mentality" is actually all about getting people to spend the most on their wedding as possible. So actually your insistence that someone pay for an open bar is within the WIC Mentality, and you are merely propagating "their" interests. Furthermore, if you remove the flowers, the food, the photographer and the dress you're basically just hosting a frat party. And while a booze-fest sounds like a blast to some people, I doubt anyone would describe it as "the best wedding ever." Unless they were alcoholic. And delusional.
I don't think you are obligated to do anything just because it is expected/traditional/usually done in your geographical area. If you can't afford an open bar, don't have one. People who complain about it are ungrateful and have obviously forgotten the whole reason you have a wedding in the first place: FOR THE MARRIAGE. All that is required at a wedding is the marriage of two people. All that is required at a reception is the people. Hence the term "reception" whereupon the family and friends RECEIVE the newly married couple and recognize them as such.
If I were in your shoes, I would go with your original plan of champagne toast and signature drink as well as punch. Do not do a cash bar. That's my opinion ... which should not matter to you as this is your wedding and you should do what you want to do or makes you most comfortable.
Heck, there was only wine at the Wedding at Cana and I don't recall the Bible ever talking about how people complained that there wasn't an open bar!
What's up with the name calling? There's a better way to express how you don't agree with someone else's opinion besides stooping to a new low.
@Nati-Lyte: Well there's only one post that turned personal. I think what happened is that someone had a cash bar and they personalize it when someone is opposed to cash bars.
@MightySapphire: The WIC is about creating an attitude that results in an action. There's a latent dependency. The attitude used as the control mechanism is to create a sense that weddings are about the bride and not about the guests or about hosting. This is what has caused the radical change in cost and design in the last 10 years. Saving money by going to a cash bar then rerouting that money to other aspects of the reception is the consequence.
As for reception, you have it backwards. The couple receives society not the other way around:
A wedding reception is a party held after the completion of a marriage ceremony. It is held as hospitality for those who have attended the wedding, hence the name reception: the couple receives society, in the form of family and friends, for the first time as a married couple.
You are hosting others at a reception and you should act as such. The reception is for the guests, not the bride or groom. You're thanking people for attending your wedding.
@CoffeeHound, IMO, a moron is no worse than being called tacky. i could have easily also called you judgmental or ignorant.
and for the record, i had a fixed tab open bar for liquor, but free wine, champagne and beer for the duration of my reception.
A wedding reception is a party held after the completion of a marriage ceremony. It is held as hospitality for those who have attended the wedding, hence the name reception: the couple receives society, in the form of family and friends, for the first time as a married couple.
And EXACTLY where is alcohol or open bar mentioned in the above??? It says it's a reception is where the couple receives society ... therefore, if I'm receiving society, it's my choice to offer them whatever food and/or beverage I care to offer. If it's cake and champagne, then it's cake and champagne. If it's a bologna sandwich and a glass of kool aid, then that's what I'm offering. Or, I could simply choose to offer nothing and accept their congratulations.
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