Post # 1
My father and I have always had a tumultuous relationship, so I wasn’t exactly excited to tell him that I was getting married a little over a year after I had finished college. I eased up on the subject, and told him initially that we’d be getting married… at all… without mentioning a date (mind you this is the man who told me I wasn’t allowed to marry until I was 40). I finally ‘fessed up that we had a date next August a few weeks ago.
How about I pay you to elope? Couldn’t you wait a few years between college and weddings?
Now let me share that my dear ol’ Dad is not a poor man. He isn’t a wealthy man, but he’s not suffering either. My mom has been in financial ruins the past few years, and things have finally begun to pick up for her, so she’s totally jazzed about throwing a real wedding and doing it right. I don’t want it to be only up to her and my broke-ass self though, I think my Dad can step in and help out, and quite frankly I don’t want to start making solid plans until I have budget.
Trouble is, I’m terrified of approaching the subject ever again. Anyone have a less-than-pleasant parent to deal with? Should I just give up on him early so I don’t have to have his expectations lingering over my head?
Post # 4
It might depend on what kind of wedding you’d really like to have. We haven’t told our parents yet, and are planning things within our own budget. That said, we’re happy with a small, intimate wedding. I’m pretty sure when we tell my parents, they’ll want to help with the costs, but we aren’t factoring that in…
If you would like a larger wedding though, that wouldn’t necessarily work…
Post # 5
Ohhh hunny I feel your pain, I really do. I have the same kind of relationship with my dad. In fact, last summer he told his friends (in front of me) that the reception was at Buffalo Wild Wings for 30 cent wing night. Stand up guy, that man.
Here is my advice: have Mom deal with it. I’m assuming that your parent’s are not married (neither are mine.) Unlike your situation, my mom is able to pay for the wedding herself, but we would still like my dad to contribute. Basically my mom just told him what she needed him to do money-wise. I don’t know what kind of relationship they have, but this might be the way to go.
Does your dad know your fiance well? Have they met? Does he have reservations about him? Is he worried you’re too young? I just ask all of these questions because maybe if your dad got to know your FI better he would be more comfortable with the idea of you getting married. I’m a young bride as well (I’m assuming you are since you’re a fairly new college grad), as is Miss Star. She has a series of posts about her adventures as a young bride. Here they are, they are definitely worth reading:
Adventures of Young-ish Bride, the First in a Series
Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, Family Matters
Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, Mrs. = Boring?
Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, Growing Up TOGETHER
Good luck. If you ever want to trade Dad-of-the-Year stories, feel free to PM me 🙂
Post # 6
<span style=”font-family: tahoma, verdana;”>EAQ219: Such a relief to know someone is in a similar boat. I’m sure that my mom is more than capable of ushering my Dad into her expectations, but it would be SO nice if he could feign just an ounce of excitement. Just a tiny bit.
<span style=”font-family: tahoma, verdana;”><span style=”font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;”>And he DOES know my fiance and even LIKES him. He does, however, have reservations about my age. He married my Mom when she was my age, a year younger actually, and that didn’t exactly pan out well.
After your Mom took care of it all, will she be walking you down the aisle or will dear ol’ Dad be taking care of that one little detail?
Post # 7
Please let me know if I’m wrong but are your parents divorced?
Even if they are, your dad may know your mom hasn’t had it easy financially speaking, to be able to provide for you a nice wedding and it sounds like you have not alot of savings yet to put towards that day since you’re a new graduate (congratulations btw!) While I know your mom may want to plan an amazing wedding since her finances (thank goodness!) have made an upswing, but you can still have an amazing wedding no matter what you choose. But don’t rule out having either an intimate wedding or even an intimate destination wedding. They can be smaller yet fabulous!!!
I’m a bit older than you, so here’s my experience and what my dad told my sis and I when we were both about to graduate from college. He was dead serious.
- you girls can’t marry until you’ve gotten the diploma in hand and secured a job for at least six month
- you have to be smart how you choose to spend the $ I’d give you for a wedding
- oh and you have an option..You can take 15k each (this was back in the 90’s) and elope or have a small wedding and put the rest on a house down payment or you can use the whole thing on one day.
That’s what my dad wanted for us and it wasn’t because he was restrictive, he’s been sadly passed away now for 10 years and there is nothing more I’d love than to have him with me now, but I can tell you he did that because he loved us so much. My dad also gave us the small wedding or elopement option too. Which neither of us took. But in retrospect it wouldn’t have been a bad idea.
I’m just now 40, and see my dad’s wisdom now as I’m a mom. I’m also myself having an intimate wedding and it’s going to be for everybody attending a destination wedding even if it’s here in GA. Less people doesn’t always have to mean simple. But you’ll still save $ if you have a nice intimate wedding and even a nice reception too.
Wish you all the happiness in the world!
Post # 8
Well, originally I wanted only my mom to walk me. After talking about it with her, though, she thought that both of them should walk me. So that’s what we’re doing. He’ll also be doing a dance with me, but I think we’re going to combine it with the mother/son dance.
I totally understand when you said that you wish he would at least feign interest. Totally get that. My dad has never really taken an interest in my life since he has six other kids who moreso fit his idea of what he wants his kids to be (athletic, really book smart, etc). So now his oldest daughter is getting married and you think he would be all about it, ya know? Ugh, very frustrating. I think taking a direct approach, a “Dad, we’d really like your help” approach, is the right way to go. Men like to “provide” so hopefully this will be his opportunity to do that.
Post # 9
I know my dad was always worrying for my sis and I. He just wanted the best for us but he didn’t do any of the wedding planning at all. Not his cup of tea. He was a manly guy and figured it wasn’t his place so don’t maybe see his not being interested as not caring.
It just may be your dad is old school like my dad was and figured mom or his daughter would take care of the details and he’d just show up and maybe go for a tux fitting once or twice before!
Post # 10
Yea my dad has always told me he’d pay for us to go to Vegas and elope, but that was for his benefit. What with the gambling and my mom probably not being able to afford to go…
I say you call up dear old dad to arrange a dinner date and just talk to him about. Dad, I know you said you’d pay me to elope, but we really want to have a larger wedding with reception (or whatever). I was wondering if you are willing to help us do this financially. (or whatever). If Dad won’t be straight or you don’t think you can trust him to follow through then DON’T rely on him.
Post # 11
I say, don’t take the money if there are strings attached. We quickly decided we would pay for EVERYTHING ourselves because our parents money came with a whole lot of conditions!
It’s not worth the stress! 🙂
Post # 12
My dad said he’d pay for us to get married in Jamaica with 10 family members and friends and when we approached him saying that’s not what we wanted (but that we’d accept the money and offset the rest of the wedding,…i’m pretty sure 10 people would have cost MORE than our wedding), he pulled back his money and said no, my way or the highway, pay for it yourself. Why? He doesn’t *believe* in big traditional weddings. Big by uh, 120 people with friends/family. My dad was plenty financially capable of paying for our not very lavish budget wedding. So just be prepared to deal with it, either way. Like RecessionistaBride says, money comes with strings and you may not like or want them.
Post # 13
try to plan everything on your own budget, and exclue anyone elses participation. just oretend that only you and your FH are paying for everything. and make it ok to have a few hundred left over to pay of after. that way, combining what you guys will put towardds it, and what family gives you, youll most likely have plenty and then some extra for the honeymoon! thats what were doing!
Post # 14
i think dad’s just have different priorities when it comes to weddings. they don’t understand why girls would want to do a wedding, and they don’t get why they have to spend all that money. luckily my brother got married first so all the fights already happened and with me it was just i’ll give yout his amount of money, do what you want with it.
Post # 15
From a very young age, my brother and I were treated to the “I pay for your education so you can get a job and pay for your own wedding” lecture. Now that we are well on our way to planning our wedding, we have never once asked my parents for money. I would advise you to plan a wedding based on your budget minus any potential help. Any money from my folks will be a bonus.
Post # 16
Wow, thanks for all the great advice, guys! I think I’ll take my Dad out and have a chat about my wishes but I think I’m totally with RecessionistaBride on the ‘no strings attached’ bit. He’s the king of that kind of thing.
Wish me luck!