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Oh gosh, I totally understand. I would also not want my Mom staying near me for that long and during such an important time. I get what you are saying about her trying to help but actually making things harder and more complicated.
Maybe you can tell her that you are inviting all family over after the birth? Maybe throw in that other family members have offered the same thing and you turned them down as entertaining people would be too hard on you and your husband.
If she still insists, try to make it work for you. Come up with a list of tasks, errands you need her to run so she's always busy. Once you have the baby, you might be glad she's there, things might be crazier than expected.
I'm curious about this....my mom is VERY adamant about "MOVING IN" with DH and I when our time comes so she can "teach" me how to do everything. Now if she wants to help around the house that's one thing. If she wants to criticize HOW i'm doing everything and prompting me all the time to do what she thinks I should be doing, not cool. My mom is very set in the ways she believes a child should be raised (I did it X way, therefore that's right)....
But yeah she'll be offended. I can totally get that, especially since she sprung it on you like "here's what i'm going to do!" not asking you.
yeah, I think the problem is that I've never been able to effectively set boundaries with her... she's always been very domineering and I can be a bit of a pushover, but this is something that I really don't want. I just need to put on my big girl pants I guess...
I am completely terrified of the exact same thing, and unfortunately I have no clue how to deal with it either. My mom also keeps saying she is going to move in with us (um, NO!). Complicating this is that we're hoping for a home birth, so I think she thinks she will be there in our house when I'm giving birth. That totally creeps me out! At least if I were in the hospital the nurses could set limits on her being in my room. But at home my parents will just be...there. Gah!
I would suggest spinning it in a way she'll feel helpful/needed. "You know what mom - Hubby will only get 2 weeks off of work and I know after that I'll have my hands full. It would help me a bunch if you planned your trip for then when I'll need you most"
My brother and s-i-l pretty much told both families that they wanted the birth and time immediately after to be a chance for them to spend together as a family and figure things just the three of them before the visitors came. I think this a totally valid arguement to give your families. Let the moms know you'll 'call' if you have a question and you look forward to the time they do come share with you and your new addition :) Both families respected my brothers wishes!
I think sometimes people just get caught up in the way things 'were' and need a gentle reminder that your 'wishes' matter. Everyone is excited for the new additions :)
I would say what you said above -- you and your husband want to enjoy the last few weeks of being just a couple. If she's upset by that, it's her own problem!
thanks guys, I needed a little support!
snm- that's part of our problem as well.. we're planning a homebirth and I had decided long ago not to tell my mom because I would NEVER hear the end of it.
Jilian- I like how your il's handled it, I think I may say something similar.
I have a feeling I'll have this problem. My mom is my BFF and most likely I'll be having the first grandchild, so I'm sure my mom is going to go all Super Grandma on me and want to cling on to my side...but...even though she may have her feelings hurt in the beginning, I think she'll understand in the end. I think the best thing is to just be straight forward and honest. If you don't show a strong front, your mom will probably find a way to "sneak in" so to speak. I know I'll have to be very vocal and strong in expressing my opinions...even with my husband. I made it explicitly clear that under no circumstances will our cell phones be left on during the labor. Ofcourse he brought up the "what if people want to know what's going on" argument. To that I responded, the only thing they need to know is the time Baby jsdragonfly was born, everyone is okay, and when they can start coming to see us. Other than that, no one needs to know the gory details. lol I've also told my family and husband that no one will be allowed at the hospital until the baby is atleast an hour or two old. I think that first little bit of having the new one in your lives is so precious that I only want to bond with my new little family...after that, I guess I can't keep everyone away for ever. LOL
As for the moms "moving in." I'm all for my mom being there for a week or two after the birth, but most certainly not a week or two before!!! (Unless ofcourse there are problems and I literally need help there) I'm like you northernaz, I'd go nutso! lol After my mom has left, then I'm totally cool with DH's mom coming in. I don't mean to keep DH's mom away at first, but let's face it...Childbirth and the post effects aren't pretty and there are A LOT of awkward moments and sideeffects and I want my own mom helping me out, not someone else's. lol And having two mammas there might just send me over the crazy loontune edge!
My mom wants to be around when the baby comes too, but luckily, she seems to understand that I wouldn't want her around 24/7. Also, she'll be staying with my grandma, who lives about 4 hours away from here, so she won't be too close. I was a little taken aback when she just announced this out of nowhere to my SIL (brother's wife) and then mentioned it to me. I love her, but I really don't want her around that much during that time.
I just explained that only my husband will be in the delivery room (and he's the only person I would want fussing over me at all during that time), and that I would prefer that she wait until after the baby's born to come up, because I don't want her waiting around if baby is born late. However, there are other reasons that she wants to be in the area, such as spending time with her mother and a certain situation back home, so it's not as big of a deal.
I had to learn a long time ago how to set limits with my mom. She means well, and she's really sweet, but she has HER way of doing everything, and constantly hearing her tell you how to do EVERYTHING better grates on your nerves.
My mom asked whether we wanted her to visit before the baby comes. I said no we do not, especially I do not. She asked about after, and I told her that we are planning instead to do a Baby-moon, where we are alone, just us and the baby for the first two or three weeks. Our reasoning is this:
When you have a ton of people around to help you and a constant stream of visitors flowing through to see the baby, you never really learn to care for the baby on your own. And once those visitors stop coming (about a month after birth) then you are suddenly thrust into the world of reality where you have to take care of the baby yourself. This is a HUGE cause of many cases of severe postpartum depression. So rather than risk my emotional health, we are asking that no one come to visit the baby for at least a month. This will help DH and I solidify our parenting style, schedule, and coping skills. We are also asking that everyone schedules their visits with us in advance so that we have control over how many visitors come over. I'll be exhausted anyway, so hostessing more than one couple at a time will be impossible, and I DEFINITELY won't be doing it for more than a couple of hours per day.
I know your mom will be offended and thinking "But you're not hosting me, I'm there to HELP you!" Well, when you put on your big girl pants and tell her WHEN you will ALLOW her to visit, she'll just have to put on a pair of her own and RESPECT what you've told her. It's hard, but once you start to set boundaries, it gets easier and easier, and eventually your mom will know when she's crossing them. (She may do it anyway, but she needs to know where the line is, so far it sounds like you haven't drawn any for her.)
My mom told me the same thing. I love my mom dearly, but I know it would be too overwhelming to have her around the last few weeks of pregnancy/first few weeks of being a parent.
I do not want anyone to come to the hospital (personal preference) and my husband only gets the first two weeks off, so I really want us to spend that time alone, getting used to being a family. I told my mom that I appreciated her offer, but what I really needed was help with the baby after my husband returned to work. I told her I'd rather her come up to help during that time because my husband will working long hours and I'll be alone for most of the day. She pushed a little bit to at least be at the birth, so we compromised. The plan now is that we'll call her when we go to the hospital, and she'll drive to our house (it's a five hour drive). She can take care of the house and dogs until we bring the baby home. She will stay the first few hours after we get home to help us get settled, and then she has to go back home and wait for another 2 weeks before she can come back. After telling her the same thing about 5 or 6 times, she seems to finally have gotten it. :) If your mom doesn't agree at first, or tries to push for something you don't want, just stick to your original plans. Eventually she'll get that you aren't going to give in to what she wants.
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My mom recently told me that she plans on coming out to visit me when I have the baby... for a month... and she wants to be there "before, during and after the birth." Now, I really do love my mom, but she's really hard to deal with and she drives me nuts. She's incredibly high maintenance, requires a lot of attention and tends to make people uncomfortable without even trying. I know she means well and she only wants to "help", but this is something that I really, really don't want, nor does my husband. I would love her to come out after the baby is here and my husband goes back to work, when I may actually need some assistance, but the idea of her just hanging around here waiting for me to give birth is not what I had in mind at all. My husband and I just want to keep things normal and calm in the days and weeks leading up to the baby's arrival, also we want to spend the time together as a couple, not taking care of my mom. She wants to rent a house here in town, so it's not like she's be staying with us, but I just know that if she's here, I'll need to play hostess. I need to tell her asap that we would like her to plan on coming sometime after the due date but I know she's going to freak out and get offended... ugh. Does anyone else have pushy family members that they have to deal with?