(Closed) HOW are you supposed to compromise on this?!!!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

Ouch. I think this is one of those non-negotiable type issues. If the man doesn’t want kids, he doesn;t want them. There’s not much you can do to change that. As much as it would hurt initially, I think I would leave. I would not be able to put my relationship with a man over my desire to have children. And I would resent him horribly for putting me in that position.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. But you’re better off finding someone who wants the same things in life as you do.

Post # 4
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@ForeverBirds:  You definitely have to talk about this with your SO. His feeling is that he isn’t sure but yours is positive. You absolutely want a baby. I’m sure that once you talk to your SO about how strongly you feel, he will understand. 

Keep in mind you have plenty of time, too, as you said. Myself, I used to waver between “NO MORE CHILDREN AHHH!” to “Awwww babyyy! I want one!” like a metronome. Lately it’s been “IMPREGNATE ME AS SOON AS WE ARE ABLE.” But it used to be “IF I EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THESE TEMPER TANTRUMS AGAIN I’LL PULL MY HAIR OUT!” 

Soo. Don’t get too upset 🙂 Just try to relax so you can have a nice, calm conversation later with your honey. It’ll be okay!

Post # 5
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You should tell him what you’ve told us here but don’t put it forth like an ultimatum.  Just be honest with him.  Do you have any idea why he’s changed his thoughts on children?  Try to get to the root of his concerns.  I’m sure you can work it out.  Just have open communication. 

Post # 6
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

This is a polarizing issue for people, and if he’s really sure he doesn’t want them, I can tell you that won’t change. 

As a person who is childless by choice, I can tell you, having a baby would derail my life and the things I hold dear in a terrible way.  That’s not to say that I don’t love and enjoy the children in my life, I lavish attention on them, take them places and offer a much needed break to their frazzled parents, but I’m no parent, and becoming one by any means, would result in me losing that part of myself I love the most….my freedom to be as scatterbrained, impulsive and decandent as I want to be, and while I know I would love that child, a big part of myself would die.

If he’s sure and your sure, the two of you are wasting time together….it’s hard, but this one has to be agreed on by both parties, or not at all.

I’m sorry, and I hope it works out.

Post # 7
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@ForeverBirds:

I would first try to get to the heart of why he feels this way. He didn’t say no, did he? Not being sure is a far cry from saying he doesn’t want kids ever.

I think age is a factor as well. You say you probably won’t have kids for another 10 years… that makes me think you’re pretty young.

I get the idea that you don’t want to hang around if he doesn’t want kids, but I think it’s also unfair to expect him to come up with a decision right now.

I was/am in a similar situation, except roles reversed. My SO is 41… I’m 27. When we got together he let me know he wants a kid. I wasn’t sure. He never pressures me and I am still uneasy about it, but I am chalking it up to me just not being ready. We decided that I’d be 30/31 when we TTC. It still scares me but I think I will probably be ready by then. I’ve given it a lot of thought the past few months, and just because I’m not ready now doesn’t mean I won’t be later on. I wasn’t going to give this relationship up just because I’m less sure about having kids than he is. 3-4 years is still a long time away.

Post # 8
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If it’s non-negotiable, it’s non-negotiable. If he is 100% certain that he wants CBC, then there is no point. Any baby born to him would most likely be an accident or a mistake, depending on his outlook. Neither which, however, are that desirable for your spouse to view your child as. 

Post # 9
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@ForeverBirds:  You don’t need him to have children. Tell him you will have children with someones elses sperm and he can participate or not.

Post # 10
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You don’t compromise on this. This is something one of you will have to give on, or just split up, unfortunately.

Post # 11
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

This definitely needs to be talked about.

Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me. If my SO suddenly flipped the script I would be devastated because I love him so much. However, I know in my heart that I would eventually resent him if I chose to accept being childless for him.

Post # 12
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

This is one of the few things in life that you don’t compromise on. To me, this would be a deal breaker.

Post # 13
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If my DH told me that he absolutely did not want kids when we were dating then I would not have stuck around.  I was sure that we had the “baby talk” at around 6 months.  I was sure to tell him that I was in no hurry to have kids but I would like to have them sometime in my future. 

I would not feel comfortable staying in a relationship where we wanted different things.  There are things that you can compromise in a relationship with and then there are things that you cannot.   So the best you can do right is sit down and talk with him and if by the end of it he is absolutely sure that he does not want any kids and you are certain that it is something that you want to do then you owe it to yourself to find somebody who wants the same things that you do.

Post # 14
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’ve ended 2 other relationships due to issues around having kids (I DO NOT want children).  In fact, I stated this before beginnning both relationships, but I guess they thought I was going to change my mind.  I didn’t.  It’s better to find these things out sooner rather than later.

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ForeverBirds:  You can’t have half a kid, nor can you have a kid only half the time. There is no compromise on children. Either you both want them or you both don’t want them. If he is being sincere and honest in his saying he doesn’t want kids, then you need to find someone else, he’s obviously not right for you.

Staying with him and giving up your desires for children will only cause resentment towards him, and him giving in to your desires to have children means resentment towards you. 

Post # 16
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know, but that would be such a deal breaker for me. I really want kids, and I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t. If he’s talked about it before, I wonder why he’s changed his mind? Maybe talk to him about that. But at least you two aren’t married yet.. If it’s something you feel strongly about, then it’s good that you know now instead of later on down the road.

The topic ‘HOW are you supposed to compromise on this?!!!’ is closed to new replies.

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