Post # 1
So my SO dropped a bomb on me the other day- he’s not sure if he ever wants kids. He’s always told me he wants a little girl and we’ve even had passing conversations about baby names, so this is a complete shock for me. And kids are one thing I won’t compromise on! I’ll compromise on where to live, what job to take, etc, but no matter what happens, I want kids. I’d even settle for just one, but when I see my future I see a baby in there somewhere. I see me and him picking out nursery furniture and arguing over baby names, I see us watching out kid(s) grow up and leave the house. I don’t know what to do. I’m definitely one of these “compromise is key” type people, but I have no clue how we can compromise. I mean, he’d step up and be a father (and enjoy it) if an “accident” happened, but I couldn’t do that to him. I want him to be in the middle of it from the beginning, from planning to try for a baby all the way through. I feel stuck. I feel like, if he decides he doesn’t want kids, I have to choose between him or a baby I don’t even have yet. The thing is, I can’t see myself with anyone else and my heart breaks at the thought, but I can’t see myself without a baby either. Not anytime soon, mind you, it’s probaby ten years or even more away, but still. And now I’m stuck because I don’t want to get deeper into this relationship and get engaged and everything only to have to tear myself away later, but nor do I want to be at a standstill until he decides because I have a feeling this isn’t something he’d decide for sure on until he’s at least engaged, if not married.
He’s at his best friend’s house until tomorrow, and I told him last night we have to talk about this when he gets home, but I don’t know what to say. I’m not even sure what advice any of you Bee’s can give, and I’ll just have to wait and see tomorrow, but I just needed to vent.
Post # 3
Ouch. I think this is one of those non-negotiable type issues. If the man doesn’t want kids, he doesn;t want them. There’s not much you can do to change that. As much as it would hurt initially, I think I would leave. I would not be able to put my relationship with a man over my desire to have children. And I would resent him horribly for putting me in that position.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. But you’re better off finding someone who wants the same things in life as you do.
Post # 4
@ForeverBirds: You definitely have to talk about this with your SO. His feeling is that he isn’t sure but yours is positive. You absolutely want a baby. I’m sure that once you talk to your SO about how strongly you feel, he will understand.
Keep in mind you have plenty of time, too, as you said. Myself, I used to waver between “NO MORE CHILDREN AHHH!” to “Awwww babyyy! I want one!” like a metronome. Lately it’s been “IMPREGNATE ME AS SOON AS WE ARE ABLE.” But it used to be “IF I EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THESE TEMPER TANTRUMS AGAIN I’LL PULL MY HAIR OUT!”
Soo. Don’t get too upset 🙂 Just try to relax so you can have a nice, calm conversation later with your honey. It’ll be okay!
Post # 5
You should tell him what you’ve told us here but don’t put it forth like an ultimatum. Just be honest with him. Do you have any idea why he’s changed his thoughts on children? Try to get to the root of his concerns. I’m sure you can work it out. Just have open communication.
Post # 6
This is a polarizing issue for people, and if he’s really sure he doesn’t want them, I can tell you that won’t change.
As a person who is childless by choice, I can tell you, having a baby would derail my life and the things I hold dear in a terrible way. That’s not to say that I don’t love and enjoy the children in my life, I lavish attention on them, take them places and offer a much needed break to their frazzled parents, but I’m no parent, and becoming one by any means, would result in me losing that part of myself I love the most….my freedom to be as scatterbrained, impulsive and decandent as I want to be, and while I know I would love that child, a big part of myself would die.
If he’s sure and your sure, the two of you are wasting time together….it’s hard, but this one has to be agreed on by both parties, or not at all.
I’m sorry, and I hope it works out.
Post # 7
I would first try to get to the heart of why he feels this way. He didn’t say no, did he? Not being sure is a far cry from saying he doesn’t want kids ever.
I think age is a factor as well. You say you probably won’t have kids for another 10 years… that makes me think you’re pretty young.
I get the idea that you don’t want to hang around if he doesn’t want kids, but I think it’s also unfair to expect him to come up with a decision right now.
I was/am in a similar situation, except roles reversed. My SO is 41… I’m 27. When we got together he let me know he wants a kid. I wasn’t sure. He never pressures me and I am still uneasy about it, but I am chalking it up to me just not being ready. We decided that I’d be 30/31 when we TTC. It still scares me but I think I will probably be ready by then. I’ve given it a lot of thought the past few months, and just because I’m not ready now doesn’t mean I won’t be later on. I wasn’t going to give this relationship up just because I’m less sure about having kids than he is. 3-4 years is still a long time away.
Post # 8
If it’s non-negotiable, it’s non-negotiable. If he is 100% certain that he wants CBC, then there is no point. Any baby born to him would most likely be an accident or a mistake, depending on his outlook. Neither which, however, are that desirable for your spouse to view your child as.
Post # 9
@ForeverBirds: You don’t need him to have children. Tell him you will have children with someones elses sperm and he can participate or not.
Post # 10
You don’t compromise on this. This is something one of you will have to give on, or just split up, unfortunately.
Post # 11
This definitely needs to be talked about.
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me. If my SO suddenly flipped the script I would be devastated because I love him so much. However, I know in my heart that I would eventually resent him if I chose to accept being childless for him.
Post # 12
This is one of the few things in life that you don’t compromise on. To me, this would be a deal breaker.
Post # 13
If my DH told me that he absolutely did not want kids when we were dating then I would not have stuck around. I was sure that we had the “baby talk” at around 6 months. I was sure to tell him that I was in no hurry to have kids but I would like to have them sometime in my future.
I would not feel comfortable staying in a relationship where we wanted different things. There are things that you can compromise in a relationship with and then there are things that you cannot. So the best you can do right is sit down and talk with him and if by the end of it he is absolutely sure that he does not want any kids and you are certain that it is something that you want to do then you owe it to yourself to find somebody who wants the same things that you do.
Post # 14
I’ve ended 2 other relationships due to issues around having kids (I DO NOT want children). In fact, I stated this before beginnning both relationships, but I guess they thought I was going to change my mind. I didn’t. It’s better to find these things out sooner rather than later.
Post # 15
@ForeverBirds: You can’t have half a kid, nor can you have a kid only half the time. There is no compromise on children. Either you both want them or you both don’t want them. If he is being sincere and honest in his saying he doesn’t want kids, then you need to find someone else, he’s obviously not right for you.
Staying with him and giving up your desires for children will only cause resentment towards him, and him giving in to your desires to have children means resentment towards you.
Post # 16
I don’t know, but that would be such a deal breaker for me. I really want kids, and I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t. If he’s talked about it before, I wonder why he’s changed his mind? Maybe talk to him about that. But at least you two aren’t married yet.. If it’s something you feel strongly about, then it’s good that you know now instead of later on down the road.