How bad is this when we argue and he does this….

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

old-hollywood:  This sounds very emotionally abusive to me.

You don’t have to be hit to be in an abusive relationship

Post # 3
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

old-hollywood:  Oh dear, he sounds like he has you walking on egg shells. This does not sound healthy at all. As another PP said, he doesn’t have to hit you to be abusive, he sounds emotionally abusive. 

Only you can decide if your relationship is worth saving, but these seem like red flags and something to be worked on for sure before marriage. It will only get worse.

You deserve to be respected and treated like an equal in your relationship. Being called names, tol to shut up and being belittled is not an ok thing to do to anyone. 

Think about it this way OP, if one of your children told you they were in a relationship like this, would you want them to stay or leave?

Post # 4
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Leave him. He sounds awful. I agree with PP, this is an abusive relationship. You, and your children, deserve better. I know everyone says this, but children are very intuitive, and they will pick up on something that is wrong, which this relationship clearly is

Post # 5
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Please leave. This guy sounds so scary.

I know there are couples who are both volatile and cuss at each other, but don’t care about the cuss words, but you are not that girl. He’s okay with cursing you out over clothing piles, of all things. What happens when you make a bigger mistake, as everyone will?

Post # 6
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

He sounds awful! Don’t marry him! 

Post # 7
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

old-hollywood:  Oh my goodness.. He sounds incredibly emotionally abusive and clearly treats you with little respect. You are not a slave, leaving a few things here and there is not an issue, even if you didn’t have children it wouldn’t be an issue, there are far more important things in life. And if this is such a big deal to him, how is he going to act when you really do have to deal with serious matters??

I don’t usually like to be so strongly opinionated about something I’m not involved in but there are so SO many red flags in what you just said and if I knew you, I would tell you to leave.

He doesn’t need to call you things in front of your children for them to pick up on things and you are doing them a disservice having them in that situation. Its not good for you or for them and they will grow up thinking that sort of behaviour is ok.

It also concerns me that you say he wont always call you names, that he’ll ‘only say fuck off’.. that is absolutely awful on its own and I would never ever let a man speak to me like that and you shouldnt either. He will slowly chip away at your self esteem and self worth until you truly believe you deserve to be treated that way. You don’t. You need to find someone you can go to, to get advice and help.

Please PLEASE believe me when I say this is not normal and it is not ok.

 

Post # 8
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

He sounds like a huge asshole.

You sound like you have some depressive/self-worth issues that it might help you to talk over with a therapist.

I think you should leave this complete butthead and start caring about YOU.

Post # 9
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If the best thing you can say about the relationship is that ‘he hasn’t hit me yet, which is good’, then you need to leave. This guy has nothing to offer you but more misery and abuse.

Post # 10
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I would not put up with anyone speaking to me that way, especially my FI. You need to get out of this unhealthy relationship NOW

Post # 11
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Imagine someone else you care about–your BFF, your mom, a sister–and now read what you wrote here and imagine HER saying it about her partner to you. 

I’m pretty sure you’d tell her she deserves much better and to leave.  

You do. Leave. 

Post # 12
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was with someone like this before and it was so bad that I didn’t even know how bad it was. Everyone around me would tell me how horrible he was and I wouldn’t believe them. He emotionally abused me and manipulated me so much that I felt like I couldn’t leave. I wish I would have left sooner. 

Post # 13
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

old-hollywood:  Honey, I’m sorry, but that’s not normal behaviour. Your FI is overly-critical and aggressive (saying fuck is NEVER okay). He needs to learn to communicate more effectively: demanding why you didn’t clean the bathroom after not thanking you for what you did do is not how one should speak in a loving relationship.

Don’t marry him as he is now. He can either change with some counselling/anger management classes, or if he doesn’t want to change/thinks he’s right and you’re wrong, then it’s time to let him go. He will only make you more and more miserable (not to mention kids!)

Post # 14
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Please love yourself enough to walk away. The kids do not deserve to see their mother walked all over. He is emotionally abusing you,  BIG TIME. I wish you all the best.

Post # 15
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He’s never hit me or physically hurt me Which is also good.”

If you have to list “he doesn’t physically abuse me” (yet) as one of your FI’s positive qualities, the relationship is totally f’ed up. This sounds like textbook emotional abuse and control that is going to escalate exponentially once you are married.

Be better than this. For your sake, and your childrens’, leave this guy. Good luck, OP. 

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