Post # 1
I need your advice. My fiancé is an overly critical person. I really love him and there is good in him but he can get pretty mean (in my opinion). He encourages my independence which is a good thing. He’s never hit me or physically hurt me Which is also good. He’s very critical mainly about the cleanliness of the house. He is very anal about things. I help out by doing my share of the housework, but if I’ve cleaned the kitchen and living room he will ask me why I didn’t do the bathroom. When he gets mad he says I only do cleaning “half ass”…so it never seems to be up to his standards. He does do a lot of housework too, so don’t get me wrong he’s not wanting it to be just me doing it. It just never feels good enough. When we argue it can be really heated. He is short of patience and gets really mad. I never call him names or put him down but he has called me a bitch, slob, fucking cunt (although he only called me that one once…because it got close to me walking on that one) that I’m crazy or delusional. But he makes fun of me if I cry during the fight sometimes. He sometimes mimics me crying and pokes fun of me in the middle of it. Many times he tells me to fucking shut up and fuck off or fuck you because he gets so mad. I tell him that it hurts my feelings and he should treat me better but he says “then you should clean up the clothes that are on your side of the bed…because how do you think that treats me?!” Here’s the thing…on my side of the bed ( there is a foot of room between my side of the bed and the wall) and I do admit that my clothes can pile up there a bit but I don’t have a dresser…(we don’t have room for one)…but the clothes aren’t anywhere he walks Or near his side of the room at all. To me there could be worse things I do and I don’t think it’s that bad. Plus I feel like I need my own space That I can have my own control over. But he makes me feel so bad about myself over the littlest things. I told him I would feel better about doing a better job around the house if I felt he was less critical about how I do clean. I work full time and I have 2 kids (he won’t call me names infront of the kids by the way) but to me I prioritize relationships and how I treat people over the importance of how well they clean the house. But he also says that it is a womanly duty to be tidy. But I want to live in the house too…not just clean it. I admit I got depressed and I didn’t do as much of the cleaning as often…I had little energy..but I still made an effort. When I bring up how he makes me feel he says I can’t mix feelings into it. That however he’s acting is just business when it comes to the house. He tells me I’m over emotional about things and I need to get a grip. I understand that I may be a sensitive person and I can take some things personally, but he says I’m the only girl he knows that would ever act this way and he’s never had a girl be like this. But I’m reacting to how he’s being during the fight. Plus to me I don’t think being sensitive or having some clothes on my side of the bed can be so awful To make someone so miserable and have no patience. His consistent comments begin to weigh on me. We’ve been together for 6 years. He doesn’t call me names all the time when he’s mad…many times it’s just fuck off or shut the fuck up. Is this common for you girls? Am I being to over emotional? I know I do have some issues I need to work on. It feels like he thinks if I organized my clothes more he would be more loving to me…but I don’t think that’s fair. I get that I’m not the greatest housewife but I am very loving, nurturing and try to make up for it in many other ways. And I am trying to make more of an effort with the house. It’s just discouraging to try and keep up to par when he’s so negative. I know many of you are better at keeping your houses clean and organized.
But for instance right now I am writing this on my iPad and he makes a comment about how loud and annoying it is to hear my typing something on my iPad And tells me to shut of the sound because it’s driving him crazy and he’s super annoyed. This example is something really small…but all the comments begin to add up.
I don’t know. I just want to know if anyone else is with someone like this and if they feel the same way, or how they deal with it.
Sorry for venting….and making this so long. It just feels good to get it off my chest.
Post # 2
old-hollywood: This sounds very emotionally abusive to me.
You don’t have to be hit to be in an abusive relationship
Post # 3
old-hollywood: Oh dear, he sounds like he has you walking on egg shells. This does not sound healthy at all. As another PP said, he doesn’t have to hit you to be abusive, he sounds emotionally abusive.
Only you can decide if your relationship is worth saving, but these seem like red flags and something to be worked on for sure before marriage. It will only get worse.
You deserve to be respected and treated like an equal in your relationship. Being called names, tol to shut up and being belittled is not an ok thing to do to anyone.
Think about it this way OP, if one of your children told you they were in a relationship like this, would you want them to stay or leave?
Post # 4
Leave him. He sounds awful. I agree with PP, this is an abusive relationship. You, and your children, deserve better. I know everyone says this, but children are very intuitive, and they will pick up on something that is wrong, which this relationship clearly is
Post # 5
Please leave. This guy sounds so scary.
I know there are couples who are both volatile and cuss at each other, but don’t care about the cuss words, but you are not that girl. He’s okay with cursing you out over clothing piles, of all things. What happens when you make a bigger mistake, as everyone will?
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
He sounds awful! Don’t marry him!
Post # 7
old-hollywood: Oh my goodness.. He sounds incredibly emotionally abusive and clearly treats you with little respect. You are not a slave, leaving a few things here and there is not an issue, even if you didn’t have children it wouldn’t be an issue, there are far more important things in life. And if this is such a big deal to him, how is he going to act when you really do have to deal with serious matters??
I don’t usually like to be so strongly opinionated about something I’m not involved in but there are so SO many red flags in what you just said and if I knew you, I would tell you to leave.
He doesn’t need to call you things in front of your children for them to pick up on things and you are doing them a disservice having them in that situation. Its not good for you or for them and they will grow up thinking that sort of behaviour is ok.
It also concerns me that you say he wont always call you names, that he’ll ‘only say fuck off’.. that is absolutely awful on its own and I would never ever let a man speak to me like that and you shouldnt either. He will slowly chip away at your self esteem and self worth until you truly believe you deserve to be treated that way. You don’t. You need to find someone you can go to, to get advice and help.
Please PLEASE believe me when I say this is not normal and it is not ok.
Post # 8
He sounds like a huge asshole.
You sound like you have some depressive/self-worth issues that it might help you to talk over with a therapist.
I think you should leave this complete butthead and start caring about YOU.
Post # 9
If the best thing you can say about the relationship is that ‘he hasn’t hit me yet, which is good’, then you need to leave. This guy has nothing to offer you but more misery and abuse.
Post # 10
I would not put up with anyone speaking to me that way, especially my FI. You need to get out of this unhealthy relationship NOW
Post # 11
Imagine someone else you care about–your BFF, your mom, a sister–and now read what you wrote here and imagine HER saying it about her partner to you.
I’m pretty sure you’d tell her she deserves much better and to leave.
You do. Leave.
Post # 12
I was with someone like this before and it was so bad that I didn’t even know how bad it was. Everyone around me would tell me how horrible he was and I wouldn’t believe them. He emotionally abused me and manipulated me so much that I felt like I couldn’t leave. I wish I would have left sooner.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
old-hollywood: Honey, I’m sorry, but that’s not normal behaviour. Your FI is overly-critical and aggressive (saying fuck is NEVER okay). He needs to learn to communicate more effectively: demanding why you didn’t clean the bathroom after not thanking you for what you did do is not how one should speak in a loving relationship.
Don’t marry him as he is now. He can either change with some counselling/anger management classes, or if he doesn’t want to change/thinks he’s right and you’re wrong, then it’s time to let him go. He will only make you more and more miserable (not to mention kids!)
Post # 14
Please love yourself enough to walk away. The kids do not deserve to see their mother walked all over. He is emotionally abusing you, BIG TIME. I wish you all the best.
Post # 15
“He’s never hit me or physically hurt me Which is also good.”
If you have to list “he doesn’t physically abuse me” (yet) as one of your FI’s positive qualities, the relationship is totally f’ed up. This sounds like textbook emotional abuse and control that is going to escalate exponentially once you are married.
Be better than this. For your sake, and your childrens’, leave this guy. Good luck, OP.