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being a listening ear and an arm for hugs
Sounds like you're doing the right thing already. I have a friend in a similar situation so I know it can be hard to make sure you say the right thing. I just don't bring it up and I let her talk about it if she wants to. You could always do something cute and send her a little thing of flowers with a card that says thinking of you if you ever need to talk I'm always here or something like that.
Sometimes just listening is enough. And the fact that you are even asking is very sweet. If not too many people know then she may need to use you once in a while just to vent or cry. You can't fix the problem so just being there is really helpful, and if she has a bad day don't hesitate to pick her up and take her to dinner or out for a little fun and a break from everything she is going through.
I think that you are doing the right thing. I am struggling with IF issues (PCOS as well) and while I am a fairly laid back person, there are certain things that do get to me. Having people say "you can always adopt" definitely is one of them. I know that I can adopt, but that's not something I want to think about at this point, so I can understand why your friend gets upset when people say that. Other than that, I think the only other thing that someone has said that really gets to me is "if you could just relax, then it will definitely happen." Believe me, I want to relax, but this whole thing is stressful!
Honestly, I don't really need my friends to say much when I talk to them, just having someone there to listen is SO helpful. You sound like you're doing a great job!
As someone who struggled for a really long time, just listening is enough. Don't offer any suggestions on relaxing or adopting, and don't push her to talk about things if she doesn't want to. I have to say that my BFF kept asking me constantly if I had gotten my period and it was a constant painful reminder of what we didn't have. So just distracting her and listening to her will make her feel better. Oh, and threatening to kick butt if anyone says anything annoying to her helps too. :o)
Yea, once they decided to try I asked a couple of times, only because she had said they were going to stay hush once they did get pregnant and I was being nosy lol, but I was cutesy about it. But after the first couple of months when she started to get frustrated I stopped asking. She has told me she doesn't mind if people ask how things are going with the doctor appointments and what not, she just doesn't want anyone's pity. Which I don't blame her, I hate when people pity me for stuff happening in my life.
So I'll continue doing what I'm doing, which I know she appreciates and I just didn't know if there were any other suggestions. Flowers seem like a good idea, maybe I'll just send her something to work to say "hey, I love ya and I'm here for you".
I have PCOS, and if you were my friend I would just want to know somehow that you were someone I could talk to about my messed up ovaries and it wouldn't be weird. I never know when it's appropriate or innapropriate to mention that to friends and it makes it hard when I want to vent about the emotional aspects related to it.
To boot her 16 year old niece just recently announced that she is pregnant (obviously not intended), so my BFF is feeling a little bitter towards the fertility gods at the moment. I offered to punch the fertility gods in the ovaries for her ;)
@littlemissseptember2010: I think that was one of the hardest things for me. So many people around me were getting pregnant so easily. I had 10 people on my floor at work who were pregnant and it killed me to see them in the kitchen every day. I couldn't avoid them. I lived in this bizzaro world where everyone except for me was pregnant. So I think just being there to listen and let her complain about her 16 YO cousin is a good thing!
I think the best thing you can do is listen - and listen if she brings it up, but don't expect her to. When you are struggling to conceive, it is on your mind 99% of the time. It is really nice to have friends who you can have fun with that can take your mind off of TTC for awhile.
I agree with the others about listening. The best comments for me were people who agreed with my frustrations and sympathized, but not apologized. People who confirmed that my feelings of frustration were valid are the people I spoke to the most about it. People who told me relax I basically wanted to chock to death. "That sucks and must be so aggrivating" was nice to hear.
I'm in the same boat your friend is with a miscarriage added in the mix. Just be there for her. Listen when she needs it - I know for me it's a huge relief to have a few friends that I can talk to about what's going on and my frustrations without hearing "oh it will happen". Don't force anything on her, don't give her platitudes. mwitter80 said it just right - sympathize but don't apologize or give an excuse.
Offering to punch the fertility gods for her is a good start! :)
I think youa re doing the right thing. I would also let her know that you are happy to be as involved in the process as she wants you to be. So if she goes to a doc appointment with her husband and gets all sorts of new info, or a new plan, maybe see if she wants to grab a bite to eat and talk about it. Most husbands only want to talk about the doctor's visits for so long-- but she might still want to rehash what her doc said or break it down even more. Having an outlet outside of her husband might help.
With my close friend, I didn't ask toooo much about the process because I didn't want to upset her. One night I did, and she was thrilled to go over all of the information and take me through her plan. She spoke with her husband about it, but was so happy to have someone else to talk to. After that conversation (in which I only supported her by saying I couldn't imagine how hard it must be for her-- I did not say "relax" or "it will happen when it's meant to"), she started telling me when her doc appointments were. I would follow up after each one to see how it went. I'd text her, in case it was bad news and she didn't want to talk. But she was usually thrilled to go into the details and tell me what the doc said.
Just listening is sometimes the best way to support someone! Be on her side. Be in her corner! Continue to be mad at the fertility gods for her!!! :) :) :)
You're being there; you're being sensitive - you're doing all the right things. She's lucky to have a friend like you! I'm wishing her lots of positive thoughts for this year; she could be me!
I haven't gone through the extent that your friend is going through now. So my best advice is to keep doing what you are already are. Just listening.
Sometimes people have the best intentions in what they think are words of encouragement. But to me, even from my bestest of friends, it was just nails on a chalkboard that made me want to scream.
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My bestfriend and her husband have been trying for 1.5 years now to conceive (they are in the mid twenties). Throughout this process she found out that she only has one functioning ovary and also has PCOS. She has recently seen a fertility doctor and is waiting on the results, he suspects she suffers from endometretis (sp?) as well. They are also waiting on results from the husband's tests. She is struggling with not being able to conceive and I just don't know how best to support her, other than being a listening ear and an arm for hugs. I know her in-laws are religious and keep telling her "it is in God's hands" and it's driving her nuts. Or her mother who says "oh, well you can always adopt", which is true, but not something she wants to consider right now, she really wants to be pregnant. I tend to just clam up because I don't want to say the wrong thing.