How Can I Fix Our Intimacy?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Apparently I’m a rare guy that has stumbled across this site, so I can offer a male perspective. First off, it sounds like you’re both pretty burnt from the normal day to day grind. Being tired and/or stressed can really affect a person’s mood, including sex drive. For me working out is the best way to cope, but with busy schedules that can obviously be tough to fit in as well. And if the work outs/exercise aren’t consistent, the results won’t necessarily be there (not just with building muscle but with mitigating the stress and other junk that is getting in the way of having more energy, a better attitude, higher sex drive, etc.)

So encourage him to keep staying active, compliment him on his physique (to boost his confidence and give him motivation). As far as who should initiate that’s tricky…you don’t want to pressure him about sex cuz it could have the opposite effect (as guys our sexual ego can be fragile at times) but on the other hand, guys like to feel wanted too so it’s great if you’re comfortable initiating sometimes.

And with lingerie, it’s maybe not lingerie in general that he finds cheesy but certain types of lingerie. Guys are visual, so make an attempt to wear fun/cute/sexy stuff, even if it’s more simple & basic and not some really elaborate lingerie type outfit.

Post # 3
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

LAAnonBee:  

If you love sex, then go ahead and initiate. You may be rejected but at least you make your feelings known. 

It sounds like your man could be very burnt out from work. It also sounds like he has a lower sex drive than you and that can cause conflict in a sexual relationship. Talk to him about a compromise. Make sex a priority; some couples even mark it down in their schedules. If you decide to schedule sex, you can also tease him with sexy texts or phone calls leading up to your sex sessions.

I’ve never heard of a man who doesn’t like lingerie. That seems strange to me. 

Post # 6
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It sounds like you’re definitely making an effort on your end to get his attention, give him signs you want sexual connection, etc. But one tip – NOT being totally naked might get a better response. I know it might sound counter intuitive but wearing something casual but cute/sexy can be more visually stimulating for a guy. Or even just cute bra/underwear instead of being naked right away. Worth a try at least 🙂

Post # 7
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

And as far as him liking you more in sweats and no make up, his actions might make it seem that way but sometimes perceptions can be off. Don’t feel like you have to bounce between extremes…either being totally naked…or bumming it in sweats with no makeup…or all dolled up in a dress. Find a balance in between that you will feel sexy & comfortable in, and that might grab his attention visually. Another thing that might help is if you smell good…perfume, lotions, whatever works for you…and not overbearing but in a more subtle way.

Post # 8
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

LAAnonBee:  I don’t for a minute think he’s cheating, he just seems like the partner with the lower sex drive. One of you has to be, right? I’m always the partner with the higher drive and here are some things I’ve learned.

– the big social stereotype about men wanting sex all the time is damaging for both men and women. Your guy may feel emasculated if you aren’t satisfied and you may feel undesired. As much as men beg to differ, I find most men’s drive slow down once the honeymoon period ends and it pans out to their natural drives. This is where you’re at. 

– I personally dont find dancing around naked to be helpful if you’re trying to turn him on. I find it best to get more direct with your needs. Start giving him a massage or ask to give him a blowjob. I think a lot of guys appreciate it when girls take the time to turn them on, after all, prancing about naked isn’t much work 😛 It also presumes that he’s supposed to drop everything whenever he sees a naked woman.

Anyway, my ex fiancé drove me batty with his low drive (I wrote a post about it a year and a half a go and some posters thought I had daddy’s issues bc of wanting sex all the time!) 

I have to admit, I laughed when you equated ny cheating to being old school. Cheating and/or having a mistress is the definiton of old school!

Post # 9
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

^ Great advice all around. The social stereotypes can mess with a guy a psychologically…we’re expected to want to have sex all the time, and in a relationship it just doesn’t always work that way, which can result in a variety of thoughts/feelings for a guy…is something wrong with me? And then wanting to “fix” whatever might be “wrong” and trying to go into sexual overdrive which can have the opposite effect, and turn sex from fun and spontaneous to more of mental gymnastics. Basically, guys can get stuck in their head a little bit.

And yeah, dancing around naked might work under certain circumstances, but again I agree a more subtle approach will work better. Massage is always good (even asking a guy to give YOU a massage can get us going)…and with a blowjob don’t necessarily ask, just initiate and eventually lead to that. Asking can take some of the sexiness away.

Post # 11
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

xscottx90:  Nice to see  a male perspective

 

LAAnonBee:  I dont think  there is anything wrong, you both sound like your exhausted.

Post # 12
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Yeah I might be different than most guys but when it comes to massage if I’m *receiving* the massage then I’m more likely to go into chill mode and not necessarily be more anxious to have sex. But if I’m giving the massage then it’s basically the complete opposite effect.

Post # 13
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

LAAnonBee: I tried sending you a message thing on here regarding your guy’s medical condition, in case that factors in at all. But I know that can be a more sensitive topic.

Post # 14
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

xscottx90:  OI how did it go with buying the lingerie??!!

 

And i agree with Positive Thinkerbell! 🙂

Post # 15
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

LAAnonBee:  

My husband doesn’t like thongs. He says they remind him of strippers. He loves me best naked, though he will also go nuts if I put on lingerie. What your husband said to you about being sexy no matter what you wear was very sweet.

 

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