Post # 1
I recently just found out that my DH cheated on me before we got married. He had gone out of town with his guy friends for a week. During that time he met this girl at the beach and ended up making out with her and a little more. He says it wasn’t sex because he couldn’t perform. He said he felt too guilty and knew he was hurting me and stopped it. We were living together at the time. Deep down I felt that something happened because she called and texted him after he got home. I actually talked to her and she said nothing happened but also said he never told her he had a live in girlfriend. Anytime I would bring it up, his story remained the same. The only reason why he told me now was because we got into a huge fight and I left for a couple days to clear my head. He wants to go to marriage counseling so we can become a better couple but I don’t know if I can forgive him. If I had known he cheated, I never would have married him.
We have 3 kids together and that makes this so much harder. I was also married before and I don’t want to have 2 divorces. I just don’t know if I can move past this.
He thinks I need to get over it because it was before we were even engaged and it wasn’t sex. I said it didn’t matter. I was living with him and he lied to me for years about it!
Post # 3
Ugh…I’m so OP I don’t have any real advice but *hugs* Sorry you’re going through this, go to counseling…it can’t hurt and it just may help. It’d definitely be worth it!
Post # 4
@AngryBee21: This sucks, a lot, and I’m sorry.
We’re all put to the test, although its never at the time or in the way we’d prefer…..for me the only thing that would matter is if I still loved him and I knew that he still loved me….moving on from any betrayal is hard, but you can do it if both parties are invested in healing the hurt and moving on….
Post # 5
@Nona99: The sad part is that I love him more than anything. That is why this hurts so much. He says he is sorry and that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I just can’t believe him right now. For years he made me feel so guilty about bringing up that trip and that girl. He accused me so many times of cheating when all I have ever done is take care of him, the house and the kids.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Post # 7
@AngryBee21: Honey….I know this hurts, and that you’re angry, and you should be, your fella was playin kissy face with some other broad and lied about it….he’s gotta get square with you for that, and I’m sure he will…but you have to let him.
People make mistakes, that suffer errors in judgement and as fallable and flawed creatures, we screw up…and usually end up hurting the people we love most.
Go to counseling, be honest, listen and avail yourself to the experience of moving on…
Post # 8
@AngryBee21: oh dear… first off, lots of hugs to you. It’s probably one of the worst feelings in the world.. the feeling of betrayal from an unfaithful spouse. I can’t even imagine… And it’s heartbreaking each time I see it on the bee.
First off, just because it happened before you were married doesn’t make it any less aggregious. In fact, because he hid it for years, and lied about it might even make it worse.
So, I think the ball is in your court. Take the time you need to think this through. Do you even think you could forgive him and move past this? If yes, then are you open to counseling? If you are not sure you can forgive him, you may need to spend some time apart. Is there anywhere he can stay while you sort out your emotions?
Again, sending you hugs and lots of positive thoughts. You need to be your top priority right now. He needs to give you time, space, and understanding.
Post # 9
@Nona99: I feel like every single time he goes out with the guys he will be hooking up with a girl or gets a text or call, it’s going to be some girl. I am so stressed about all this that I dont eat, I don’t sleep, my hair is falling out.
It’s not so much the act in itself of cheating but its the years of lying straight to my face about and making me feel crazy for accusing him.
Post # 10
@BlondeBee: I have agreed to go to counseling. I am just not sure I will ever be able to move past this. Everytime I look at him or try and be somewhat affectionate, I picture another girl. It makes me so sick.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@AngryBee21: I think this is a good situation to start counseling. You are hurt and angry right now but you have kids and a life together that is worth saving. I would at least try counseling before going directly to divorce. Life and marriage is full of trials and unfortunately, your husband has added this one to your marriage. It’s normal to be angry and hurt and distrustful but you should at least try to work things out before throwing in the towel, especially since it occured years ago. I say give it 6 months to a year of counseling before divorce (trust me, divorce is not as easy as it seems; I went through one and it felt like a piece of my soul was ripped out of my body and lost forever.)
Post # 12
@AngryBee21: I have no advice to offer. I send hugs, good thoughts and virtual icecream x
Post # 13
I don’t have any advice other than going to talk to someone to try to work things out. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, what a crap situation! I think that Nona99 gave some fantastic words of wisdom.
Post # 14
@AngryBee21: I have a zero tolerance policy. Kids or no, I’d be gone. I’m not going to stay with someone who is capable of cheating. And the whole “it wasn’t sex because I couldn’t perform” argument is bull shit. He cheated on you, then decieved you. There’s no statute of limitations on assholery.
Post # 15
If my DH ever cheats on me it will be the one and only time because he will be gone. I am not a proponent of “staying together for the children.” Maybe it wasn’t sex, but if he could have performed it would have been. He didn’t stop himself, he just wasn’t physically able to do it.
I have no tolerance whatsoever for cheating. At all. Ever. I don’t care if its a one night stand or an on going affair. We’d be through.
Post # 16
No I would leave. He cheated and rationalizes it with the fact that you weren’t engaged yet. And he accused you for yrs of cheating and lied about his indiscretion for yrs. That’s more than an infidelity issue. This is a man who cheats and feels it’s okay as long as he gets away with it. That is a horrible character flaw that counseling won’t fix. By all means continue counseling for you and your children. But absolutely do not allow him to use you as a door mat. I’d leave immediately and file for custody. The worst part seems to be that he thinks that you should get over it. Wow! I wish you luck.