How can I get MIL to back off about a grandchild? (NWR)

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

I don’t have anything polite to say in response to those questions. I have been getting this very same question from my MIL since before we were even married or engaged for that matter. I am at the early stages of pregnancy currently and We have decided not to share the news as of yet since we are high risk.

If i wasn’t pregnant i’d probably just say something like “When we feel the time is right”

Post # 3
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would just say politely, “Children will come when they come. Please stop asking”

Post # 4
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Commenting to follow! We are the last of three siblings to get married, and somehow everyone expects us to have a baby soon? His two other siblings both have stable jobs and good income… we are still struggling a bit, FI is still in grad school and only working part-time. Why are we Most Likely to Conceive!? LOL. I mean, I’m flattered… but… not.

Post # 5
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My go to this holiday season will be “I’m sure God will bless us when the time is right.”  Since my family is VERY Catholic, this should work. 

Post # 6
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My MIL was also on us to have grandkids immediately after we got married. We had planned to TTC within a year after the wedding anyway, but it can be super uncomfortable to deal with that all the time! Especially since I had never told MIL that I wanted children someday! She just assumed that we would.

I would probably just say something like “oh that’s a few years away at least”. Maybe this will let her know that she doesn’t need to keep asking every chance she gets. 

Post # 7
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I NEVER talk back to my elders, but my MIL was really getting on my nerves one day asking about grandchildren, to which I replied, “Well, we could try to make one right here, right now if you’d like.”

 

Post # 8
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

gingerkitten:  I shut my MIL up when she asked me on vacation when we were having kids. In front of everyone I said, well we can’t exactly make a baby this week when we’re sharing a cabin with three other people! I totally embarassed my husband (he turned bright red) but my MIL shut up about it. I think when they realize they’re essentially asking you when you’re going to have sex with their son, they kind of get embarassed as well. 

Post # 9
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

gingerkitten:  ugh, i will just never understand why people do this. It’s none of their damn business!!

Since it’s your husband’s mother, I would put this on him. I’ve told my husband in the past that I am extremely private about things like kids, and due to a few personal experiences we have had with the issue I told him very explicitly I am not comfortable talking to others about it, especially in groups of family members. He’s told his mom point blank that she is not to bring it up or discuss it unless he or I bring it up first. It’s worked for us since my husband has set strong precendent that he won’t accept unfounded pressuring or criticism/meddling.

It may just be that she doesn’t realize that it bothers you. Coming from him she’s likely to be more receptive.

You can always drop the 5 year IUD bomb (whether or not you have one, haha) and that generally puts a stop to such conversations pretty quick!

Post # 10
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee

She will not stop mentioning it, so you need to reframe what you are hearing. 

In the grand scheme of things, she could be saying MUCH worse than she is, and if you and she have a pleasant ongoing relationship, it’s time to put on your big girl pants and overlook what sounds as though it’s probably quite lovingly meant.

Your procreational plans and activities belong ONLY to you and DH. She is definitely overstepping boundaries. If you, or she, is at all religious, the previous comment is perfect. God is very willing to accept the blame in a situation like yours.

Now for your assignment, read every post you can find here about REAL MILs from Hell, and develop a few distract-ignore strategies and enjoy a wonderful holiday season. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

gingerkitten:  My grandma has been suggesting this nonstop, and now FMIL is starting to suggest it. I’m the oldest on my side, whereas my FI is the youngest on his side. We aren’t even married yet! FI’s sister has an adorable little boy, so at least FMIL has a small child that she can dote on. FI and I aren’t even sure if we want kids. Plus, both of us are still in school. Neither one of us has a dependably stable income. Why have a kid right now?!?

I haven’t lost my mind yet from it, but I do completely see the first thing coming out of my mouth being: “Well, sweetheart, apparently we need to go find a room! Be right back, everyone!” and then just flouncing away. My current retorts have been that my uterus is not up for rent currently, but I’ll be sure to let them know when that changes. 

It’s like they forget that asking for a grandkid is literally saying “go have sex! RIGHT NOW!!” lololol 

Post # 12
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

I would just sit her down and kindly let her know how you feel. Just tell her something like. “I realize that you want grandkids, but it’s just not the right time for us yet. We will let you know when it is though.” 

 

Post # 13
Member
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

gingerkitten:  Just give her a timeline that will make her stop asking. And don’t give her the real time line. In your case just say 5 years.

Since you are trying to be polite, this will give her some sort of answer and she will likely stop asking. 

 

Post # 14
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MrsWoods47:  Boxerlover24:  these are great suggestions.

Maybe also add that you’re just not ready to be parents yet. It’s one of the biggest life changes ever and it baffles me how people just expect you to have kids once you’re married. If she seriously questions why you’re not ready, then it might be time to use one of the ruder responses.

Post # 15
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

when she asks when she’ll have a grandkid just say, “oh probably about 9 months after we stop using condoms.”

see if she asks again after that.

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