How can I get my husband to understand?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@lizziegarland:  Wow, I can’t believe he just got up and walked away! How rude!  Through the first two paragraphs I was kind of thinking maybe he’s depressed?

 

That’s awesome that your bank is helping you out like that if this does happen!

 

Have you tried saying “I don’t feel like cooking tonight, take me out!” when he comes home?  Sounds like he’s taking a home cooked meal being ready for him everynight for granted.

Post # 4
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lizziegarland:  I’m confused a bit with your timeline, did you mean that you guys used to go out on dates all the time and it stopped after you got married or after you stopped being long distance?  Or do you mean you stopped being long distance after you got married?

Post # 5
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Has he always been this way? Could he be depressed? 

Post # 6
Member
5351 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I does sound like he may be depressed. But, like others asked, is he a homebody?

I have a friend who can’t for the life of her get her husband to go out on dates with her, he is very much a homebody and it is just who he is, BUT, she knew this before she married him and accepts him. 

The only thing I can suggest is for you talk about compromise. Since he enjoys dinners at home with a movie, and you like going out; talk to him about taking turns – you can cook what he wants/watch a movie he picks out, and the next week you two do something you want to do. 

 

Post # 7
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would imagine the not wanting to talk about the shutdown is because of stress, and he doesn’t know how to solve it, so he just doesn’t say anything.  I get it — DH and I are also facing shutdown drama, and it sucks, big time.  Also, FWIW, I read that they’re planning for active military October 1 checks to be out in time (since they will be cut already before the shutdown), and if the shutdown is only a few days, the October 15 checks shouldn’t be affected. 

As for the balloon festival….you’ll just have to ask him why.  Everyone will come up with conjectures about it – depression, distance, tiredness, boredom, and a whole slew of other excuses – but only he knows why he doesn’t want to go, and you’ll just have to talk about it.

Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Husband walks away too if I’m talking about something that he doesn’t like, or he just doesn’t answer if hes not interested. I lose my shit all the time at him. He’s also a homebody and doesnt like to go out. I think theyre both introvert things. The first thing is because DH gets overwhelmed by conversations over things that are negative or could be construed as negative. Which sounds like that could be what is happening with your DH. He shuts down and can’t cope so just walks away as he has no idea how to handle it. 

We have worked hard on both of these issues with me explaining that I need him to answer me even if it’s to tell me he cant talk about the issue right now. We have also spoken about my need to socialise and go out even when he doesnt and after a long time he has started to understand. 

With a hubby as introverted as mine is and yours sounds it is sometimes just a case of being patient and understanding while at the same time not moddy coddling them and their avoidance techniques.

Post # 10
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lizziegarland:  I think you have to stop feeling guilty when he agrees to go out and actually go an enjoy yourself.  Maybe you guys could set up a set time/day to do something fun (i.e. first and third saturday of the month).

Post # 11
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

He walked away because he was stressed – and since he probably felt helpless to your concerns (he can’t do anything about the government’s decision), he shut down and retreated to his inner “cave.”  At the same time, when you’re stressed, it sounds like you want to talk about it.

Has this always been the dynamic?

If so, you guys need to figure out how to communicate without making the other one think you’re disregarding each others’ feelings.

I can relate somewhat because in MY household, the roles are reversed.  In general, I don’t like to have a subject sprung on me about worrisome things that can’t be solved – I need at least a few hours to process and prepare my mind for a serious discussion, sometimes a good sleep even, while DH can open up anytime to get it off his chest.  It can be overwhelming for me.  I admit I’ve been rude to him on occasion without realizing it; I just needed to get away to think about it on my own for awhile.

Over the years, we’ve figured out how to discuss things that will get me to listen and allow him to express his concerns without either of us feeling overwhelmed or offended.

 

Post # 12
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@marzipanda:  Don’t feel guilty when he agrees to go out! *facepalm!*

Have you ever told him you’re going out to do something and ask him if he wants to come?  You don’t have to make plans solely around him.  If you want to go out, GO OUT!  Maybe he’ll come with one of these times and figure out it’s not so bad.

Post # 13
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I think that walking away without a word was a rude way of ending the conversation. I admit that I am a bit like your husband. Mr. Lk wants to talk about it, as we would both be furloughed indefinitely during a shutdown. But to me, what is the point of talking about it? There isn’t a gd thing either of us can do to avert a shutdown, so I just prefer to avoid thinking/talking about the bs. I certainly don’t walk away from my husband when he starts on the subject, but I do tell him that it is not a topic I am interested in discussing because it just makes me angry. He drops the subject and we move on.

As to the balloon festival, you admit that he is a homebody, that you didn’t go on dates often prior to marriage, and yet you think this should somehow change now that you are married? It generally doesn’t work out that way. Homebodies are… well… homebodies. It’s just part of their personality. That doesn’t mean that you can’t go out and enjoy these events on your own. If you want to do something that he doesn;t want to do, just go do it! Give yourself permission to enjoy activities and events without him. It also doesn’t mean that he never has to go out on a date with you. But you may get better results if you try to plan dates well in advance so that he has time to mentally prepare for them. In my experience, peopple with homebody tendencies generally like to have a stable routine that they stick to, and they do not adapt well to rather sudden changes in that routine. You may get better results if you try to plan something with him a month or so in advance so that he doesn’t feel like going out is a “last minute” change in his routine. 

Post # 14
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@mchitt329:  

ummm?

I dont think you’re talking to me?

Post # 15
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lizziegarland:  My DH had a lay off scare very recently.  We both work – but he makes more money than me, and we would have to cut back a ton to live off of my salary alone.  We talked about it, but I quickly learned that I had to be the positive one, because he was freaking out about being laid off.  It was all everyone at work talked about, and he did not want to come home and talk about it negatively too.  When he would bring it up, I would listen and support him.  I know youre worried about the shutdown, but your DH is probably even more worried.

As for getting him to take you out, you need to be alittle selfish here. Tell him you will only cook 6 nights a week.  The 7th night he can either take you out, or he can cook for you.  Really stress your need to do things.  Sure hes the financial provider, but you need to do more than just cook and clean. 

Post # 16
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lizziegarland:  sounds like he’s stressed with the uncertainty of the shut down. Try and talk calmly and rationally about both of your feelings. I’m sure it will all get resolved with a little communication.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors