Post # 1
I’m hurt. And I’ve tried explaining it to my husband, but he just doesn’t seem to understand. My hubby is the Air Force. And with all this talk of a government shutdown I was starting to get stressed. Fortunately we just found out that our bank is covering the deposit for all active duty military members until the back pay comes in. I couldn’t be more relieved. But since this is such a hot topic I’ve been researching it and reading more since I don’t have a good grasp on it. I was sharing what I was learning with my hubby when he asked me to pause so he could go to the bathroom. I wait, and when he gets back I start talking again. He then just walks away from me and up the stairs as I’m still talking. I ask him where he’s going and he says he doesn’t find this conversation very uplifting so he’s going upstairs for a while. We had a short exchange about how it hurts my feelings that he walks away while I’m talking, but it doesn’t go anywhere.
Pair this with last night’s conversation. I just found out there’s a free balloon fiesta in town this weekend. I was so excited, since last year we went to the NM Balloon Fiesta together. We had a lot of fun. And I thought it could be a way to kind of relive that in our new home town. Before I could even finish telling him about it and suggest we go he tells me that he’s not interested and doesn’t want to go. I know that he’s a homebody and going out is not the most comfortable thing, and I want to be respectful of that. But I have needs too. We’ve only gone out on a real date once since getting married in January. And he lucked out with having to take me out a lot before we got married since we dated long distance. I thought it’d be different. I thought we would finally have the chance to enjoy each other and go on dates. I’ve suggested a lot of different ideas. And still we do nothing but sit at home every night and watch netlix after eating dinner that I always cook.
I know it probably seems like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. It’s just been building. These are not isolated events. And these conversations do not seem to change. But I need help. How can I get it across to him that these things hurt my feelings? I want things to change for us. But I’m at a loss.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@lizziegarland: Wow, I can’t believe he just got up and walked away! How rude! Through the first two paragraphs I was kind of thinking maybe he’s depressed?
That’s awesome that your bank is helping you out like that if this does happen!
Have you tried saying “I don’t feel like cooking tonight, take me out!” when he comes home? Sounds like he’s taking a home cooked meal being ready for him everynight for granted.
Post # 4
@lizziegarland: I’m confused a bit with your timeline, did you mean that you guys used to go out on dates all the time and it stopped after you got married or after you stopped being long distance? Or do you mean you stopped being long distance after you got married?
Post # 5
Has he always been this way? Could he be depressed?
Post # 6
I does sound like he may be depressed. But, like others asked, is he a homebody?
I have a friend who can’t for the life of her get her husband to go out on dates with her, he is very much a homebody and it is just who he is, BUT, she knew this before she married him and accepts him.
The only thing I can suggest is for you talk about compromise. Since he enjoys dinners at home with a movie, and you like going out; talk to him about taking turns – you can cook what he wants/watch a movie he picks out, and the next week you two do something you want to do.
Post # 7
I would imagine the not wanting to talk about the shutdown is because of stress, and he doesn’t know how to solve it, so he just doesn’t say anything. I get it — DH and I are also facing shutdown drama, and it sucks, big time. Also, FWIW, I read that they’re planning for active military October 1 checks to be out in time (since they will be cut already before the shutdown), and if the shutdown is only a few days, the October 15 checks shouldn’t be affected.
As for the balloon festival….you’ll just have to ask him why. Everyone will come up with conjectures about it – depression, distance, tiredness, boredom, and a whole slew of other excuses – but only he knows why he doesn’t want to go, and you’ll just have to talk about it.
Post # 8
He’s always been a homebody and doesn’t like to go out much. But I didn’t notice it much before we got married because most of our time before getting married we were long distance. When we would see each other we’d go out some and spend time at home. So that varried. But then I didn’t care much because our time together was so limited. Just getting to see him was enough. I guess what just frustrates me is that it’s like pulling teeth to get him to agree to go out. And then when he finally says yes I feel guillty and we don’t go. I just want a compromise. We’ve talked about it and he says we’ll start going out more, but then something like last night happens again.
I suppose he could be depressed…but he doesn’t really seem that way most of the time. Though we are going through a lot of changes here lately. Stuff with work and what not. So I suppose that it a possibility.
Thanks for listening and the feedback. I don’t have anyone here to talk to about this really. And my mom loves my hubby so much that she kinda just ends up defending him without even really meaning to. I know it’s just life. And still being in the first year of marriage we have a lot to learn. I just wish communication issues were easier to resolve. And I don’t even know where to start with that.
Post # 9
Husband walks away too if I’m talking about something that he doesn’t like, or he just doesn’t answer if hes not interested. I lose my shit all the time at him. He’s also a homebody and doesnt like to go out. I think theyre both introvert things. The first thing is because DH gets overwhelmed by conversations over things that are negative or could be construed as negative. Which sounds like that could be what is happening with your DH. He shuts down and can’t cope so just walks away as he has no idea how to handle it.
We have worked hard on both of these issues with me explaining that I need him to answer me even if it’s to tell me he cant talk about the issue right now. We have also spoken about my need to socialise and go out even when he doesnt and after a long time he has started to understand.
With a hubby as introverted as mine is and yours sounds it is sometimes just a case of being patient and understanding while at the same time not moddy coddling them and their avoidance techniques.
Post # 10
@lizziegarland: I think you have to stop feeling guilty when he agrees to go out and actually go an enjoy yourself. Maybe you guys could set up a set time/day to do something fun (i.e. first and third saturday of the month).
Post # 11
He walked away because he was stressed – and since he probably felt helpless to your concerns (he can’t do anything about the government’s decision), he shut down and retreated to his inner “cave.” At the same time, when you’re stressed, it sounds like you want to talk about it.
Has this always been the dynamic?
If so, you guys need to figure out how to communicate without making the other one think you’re disregarding each others’ feelings.
I can relate somewhat because in MY household, the roles are reversed. In general, I don’t like to have a subject sprung on me about worrisome things that can’t be solved – I need at least a few hours to process and prepare my mind for a serious discussion, sometimes a good sleep even, while DH can open up anytime to get it off his chest. It can be overwhelming for me. I admit I’ve been rude to him on occasion without realizing it; I just needed to get away to think about it on my own for awhile.
Over the years, we’ve figured out how to discuss things that will get me to listen and allow him to express his concerns without either of us feeling overwhelmed or offended.
Post # 12
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@marzipanda: Don’t feel guilty when he agrees to go out! *facepalm!*
Have you ever told him you’re going out to do something and ask him if he wants to come? You don’t have to make plans solely around him. If you want to go out, GO OUT! Maybe he’ll come with one of these times and figure out it’s not so bad.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I think that walking away without a word was a rude way of ending the conversation. I admit that I am a bit like your husband. Mr. Lk wants to talk about it, as we would both be furloughed indefinitely during a shutdown. But to me, what is the point of talking about it? There isn’t a gd thing either of us can do to avert a shutdown, so I just prefer to avoid thinking/talking about the bs. I certainly don’t walk away from my husband when he starts on the subject, but I do tell him that it is not a topic I am interested in discussing because it just makes me angry. He drops the subject and we move on.
As to the balloon festival, you admit that he is a homebody, that you didn’t go on dates often prior to marriage, and yet you think this should somehow change now that you are married? It generally doesn’t work out that way. Homebodies are… well… homebodies. It’s just part of their personality. That doesn’t mean that you can’t go out and enjoy these events on your own. If you want to do something that he doesn;t want to do, just go do it! Give yourself permission to enjoy activities and events without him. It also doesn’t mean that he never has to go out on a date with you. But you may get better results if you try to plan dates well in advance so that he has time to mentally prepare for them. In my experience, peopple with homebody tendencies generally like to have a stable routine that they stick to, and they do not adapt well to rather sudden changes in that routine. You may get better results if you try to plan something with him a month or so in advance so that he doesn’t feel like going out is a “last minute” change in his routine.
Post # 14
I dont think you’re talking to me?
Post # 15
@lizziegarland: My DH had a lay off scare very recently. We both work – but he makes more money than me, and we would have to cut back a ton to live off of my salary alone. We talked about it, but I quickly learned that I had to be the positive one, because he was freaking out about being laid off. It was all everyone at work talked about, and he did not want to come home and talk about it negatively too. When he would bring it up, I would listen and support him. I know youre worried about the shutdown, but your DH is probably even more worried.
As for getting him to take you out, you need to be alittle selfish here. Tell him you will only cook 6 nights a week. The 7th night he can either take you out, or he can cook for you. Really stress your need to do things. Sure hes the financial provider, but you need to do more than just cook and clean.
Post # 16
@lizziegarland: sounds like he’s stressed with the uncertainty of the shut down. Try and talk calmly and rationally about both of your feelings. I’m sure it will all get resolved with a little communication.