Post # 1
So I put myself out there to hear your infinite wisdom, becuase I am POSTIVE many other bees must have gone through this.
Fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, 100%, since neither of our parents are in a financial postition to help us out (which is perfectly fine!). We have the money saved, so it is not an issue of getting the money…but Fiance is finding it difficult to enjoy the planning process because each time we make a deposit, he sees a little bit of that money go away. He confided in me that he wants to feel excited, but he is so frustrated that weddings cost so much (as believe you me, we have cut corners and done lots of budget saving tips, but it is still going to cost us $9000 for 60 people). I am sad he doesn’t seem to be able to get into it.
Any bees have some words of wisdom I can pass on to him? He’s just frustrated that many families can afford to give their children money towards the wedding, and ours can’t (although as I pointed out, it means we get full run of all the details, because we are paying for it!).
Post # 3
I’m sorry he feels like that. Everyone has different situations so just because someone else’s family can afford to pay for a wedding doesn’t mean your families can. I would try and set up a plan to start saving up again after the wedding for the future so that he doesn’t feel like you won’t ever have savings again.
Post # 4
I know what you mean – my Fiance sometimes feels this way as well. What makes us both happy is finding bargains – so I focus on the original prices of things and how much we’re saving off of those prices. I think if you change the frame of reference from “We’re spending $10K on our food and venue” to “The food and venue normally costs $15K, but we got the price down to $10K” I think it would help him feel better.
Post # 5
well, i’m the one who tends to have the freakouts about spending a lot of money on the wedding! my fi usually calms me down by using logic. you still have money, it’s not like you’re going to be broke after. it’s going to be a nice wedding, so it’s worth it. and like missasb said, this isn’t the last of your savings, you can start saving again after the wedding.
Post # 6
It’s so hard and a delicate situation, but if you think about it, this whole process is helpful as far as your relationship. Many couples don’t discuss money thoroughly before getting married.
In the beginning my Fiance found it difficult to accept the money from my parents. He didn’t understand that regardless of who he is, my dad had always planned to host a wedding for me, his daughter in a certain way. Fiance wanted a backyard barbecue. But I’m just not a backyard barbecue kind of girl. He’s much better about things now, but we’ve gone through a lot, including my job issues. So it hasn’t been the best circumstances for us.
Anyway, my point is that you should focus on how much stronger your relationship will be because of the discussions between you and your future husband. I also think I’d rather a guy who was congnizant of money, as opposed to someone who didn’t really care how much you were spending on the wedding. Sounds like good advice to focus on what you’re saving and not just one what you’re spending.
Post # 7
I’m having trouble with something similar. Except it’s not his money – it’s either mine or my parents, since that’s who can afford to pay for it (he’s a student, I’m not). But he’s convinced that every dollar out the door is a dollar we’re being ripped off. Which – I get it, it’s expensive. He feels like our wedding should be cheap because we’re informal people who don’t want a lot of decor. BUT we want a Saturday night wedding with full (high quality) dinner and hours upon hours of open bar in a location with or right near lodging.
It sucks that everything’s super expensive for weddings, but talk to him about the event you’re throwing. What you want to do for and give your guests. And how much that would cost. Yes, there are other things that you could spend the money on, but wedding-industrial-complex aside, you have the opportunity and occasion to celebrate your partnership with loved ones. Any sort of celebration in that context is going to have certain expenses.
Also – try drawing out a long term budget. Where are you now, spending and savings wise? What financial goals do you have in the short term? What goals do you have in the long term? Are you close to buying a place, having children? Thinking of going back to school or changing careers? Look at the wedding as a part of that, and budget it into your lives to give him some perspective.
Post # 8
I know the feeling (as it seems MANY other bees have a similar situation)…but I can tell you what has worked for us and hopefully it helps! When we started this we had a sit down heart to heart about our goals and how much our lil money would take us as far as a wedding goes. We have other goals and it helps to put this day into perspective, but I approached it with Fiance that this day was an investment. He has thrown SEVERAL large parties before so that helped me plead my case for the budget but just keep mentioning to him all the GIFTS and $$$ you will get from this day. And I always do a price comparison for Fiance and he feels better (a little) about the amount we are spending. Just be patient and keep reminding him that you guys will have a lifetime of BIG purchases, they are nothing to fret over just a good way to learn each other and grow stronger.
Post # 9
My FI’s persepective is . . . “I don’t want to be sitting on a porch swing with you years from now listening to you say, ‘I wish I had had the wedding I wanted.'”
Although there are some big expenses, I think he sees that I’m also not going over the top.
Post # 10
Thanks for the replies everyone!
@aqua – you are so right that many couples do not discuss money before the wedding. Luckily both of us are very transparent about our finances, and we have plans in place for our future as a married couple.
We both grew up in families that weren’t very well off, so we both have a healthy respect for money. We have separate money set aside for a house downpayment and RRSPs (equivalent to American IRAs and 401k’s) that were not tapped into to fund for the wedding. We currently have the wedding and honeymoon paid for (in the sense that the money is sitting in the bank). On TOP of that, we have other savings for emergencies. I mean, we litterally have all of our bases covered here. I take comfort in that, and feel fine paying for the wedding, knowing we aren’t accruing any debt for this celebration.
We have also set up a tentative financial plan for the next 5 years, including my plans for paying off student loan debt, plans to purchase a home if possible (Vancouver was recently determined to be the most unaffordable city in Canada), and plans for savings.
Phew, well really the point of all the info was just to give some perspective to the situation. He’ll be alright – we had a talk about it again the other night, and he said he is beginning to feel more excited, which is good! I just want him to be happy 🙂
Post # 11
I knew this feeling… the reason I said knew is because I WAS in the same boat. I had to change my way of thinking.
I had to step back for a minute and recognize that people are there to support and show us love, we ‘re getting married! its a celebration, and it shouldn’t be stressful to plan. If people can’t understand that we are working within our means then they aren’t worthy of being called family and friends. do what you can financially. but DO NOT OVERTHINK IT OR LET IT STRESS U OR YOUR Fiance.
also I had to keep in mind: if it was things that i wanted, i had to sacrifice. I realize that you have cut a few things, but you can still make it a beautiful experience. remind him of why your are doing it in the first place. sacrifice is the name of the game, work hard so u don’t have to regret not saving more later on.
My Fiance and I are paying for everything as well. We chose a long engagement for this very reason. We set up an Orange Savings acct. with ING Direct and we have money directly deposited from the bank to that account. it gains interest, and if we get extra it goes there too.
we work, we get paid, we pay our bills, we pay into our wedding fund, and we do something small for ourselves once a week. everything else we think twice before spending.
find something that works for you, good luck hang in there, its gonna pay off!
Post # 12
Great question! I am an emotional spender who just got out of debt, and my Fiance is a penny pincher who will be able to help us one day get our house of our dreams due to his conscientousness. My stance may seem strange for those couples who are doing everything together, but this arrangement works for us, and we have a healthy relationship.
So, in the world of wedding planning, here’s what I do…
- We have our budget on a Google Doc. I keep it up to date. If Fiance wants to look, he can.
- We talked up front about our priorities, his priorities and the details that mean the most to him. The number one detail he is obsessed with—staying under budget.
- I do not ask his input. I usually contact a friend, mom or Bridesmaid or Best Man if I am really struggling with a decision. When I do go to him, I preface it by saying, “I know you don’t care about the invites, but what do you think of…. Give me your opinion in 30 seconds.”
The best advice I got was to keep him removed as much as we are comfortable doing. He only cares about us being married and us starting our life together. As long as I’m under budget, everything else is fine. He doesn’t want to know about how all the money is being spent because he thinks the wedding industry is ridiculous. So, I handle all payments and the majority of decisions.
Post # 13
Vahalla, I fee your pain. This is my first post on this site so I’m not sure how this board usually reacts. But I’m at my wits end. My fiance has a very large amount of credit card debt and I have none. Like you Vahalla I have substantial savings which we’re using for wedding expenses, honeymoon and other joint expenses. We now live in my home, for which I pay all expenses while she’s paying down the debt. The cost of our wedding continues to pile up. We have a budget and we’re sticking to it reasonably well. I have a horrible feeling that she’s pulling my finances out of control. I continue to think about wedding expenses, honeymoon, a new house and kids. All I see is $400,000+ in expenses I never would have incurred on my own. We’ve discussed prenuptial agreements and will most likely be getting one. We continue to talk about finances/budgets. Yet this hasn’t quelled my apprehension. Does anyone have any advice to help calm me down about spending amounts of money I have never spent before and I am not comfortable spending?