How can I make my best friends SO's STOP seeing me as a threat??

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Controlling, insecure women are the absolute worst.  I’ve lost a very close friend this way (friends with him for 5+ years) and I had been with my FI for a few years before he even met “the crazy,” as she is now called by his (and my, even though he isn’t allowed to speak to me at all) group of friends.  

Post # 5
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@SweetartMD:  

 

Without seeing how you and your best friend interact in real life, it is hard to know why they always seem to hate you.

 

I used to have a very close guy friend, and I never had problems with his gf’s disliking me. I also had a close girl friend who had a lot of guy friends from HS. The girlfriends never liked her because she was a huge flirt and she acted like she was more intimate with the guys than their SO’s. The problem was that she liked to show the SO’s that she was VERY close to their BF’s, and then if they were uncomfortable with it, or did not accept her right away, she would label them “jealous bitches” and try to break them up.

 

I’m not saying you do that. However, you have to be really careful about how you meet someone your guy friends are dating. If you are REALLY just friends, like brother/sister, you should have no problem keeping a little respectful distance at first, not using inside jokes, and being very inclusive. As the person who is ALREADY closer to the guy friends, you ARE a threat. You are going to start off with a more intimate relationship (not physical, but emotionally) than the SO’s and that is a little scary if they don’t know you.

 

If you want your guy friend’s relationships to be successful, and also include you AS A FRIEND, then you have to take a step back when he starts dating someone new. It might feel “wrong” to you to stop interacting the way you always have, but you are not actually his brother, you are a female friend, and it is just not the same. Once the SO’s like you, and are comfortable with you, you can start being more involved with the guy friend again.

Post # 6
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i would say just to make friends with her – make that effort. then perhaps it will come off as you’re more “couple friends” than you just being friends with him… if that makes sense.

i also think that any woman who gets that angry about their boyfriend having a friend of the opposite gender is probably pretty insecure and there’s probably not much you can do about it anyway.

Post # 7
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I woud guess if every single girlfriend has had a problem with the way the two of you interact there may be some weird unintentional vibe you are giving off. If it were one or two I would chalk it up to someone being insecure, but every single one, IDK.

 

I would take a step back and see how you usually behave in front of them. As a pp pointed out inside jokes, talking about how long the two of you have known each other, specific traits he has- all might some off as you trying to mark your territory. I would also try to do “couple” things until this girl get to know you better, not aying you can’t/shouldn’t spend time alone, but it might help for her to get to know you better first. Good luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SweetartMD:  What I would do in your situation is try and put yourself in the new girlfriend’s place.  She’s a stranger to you and your DH and will be a guest in your home along with her new boyfriend. 

The ways you can make her feel comfortable and less “threatened,” as you say, would be to be kind, warm, friendly and interested in her.  Ask questions about her life.  Get to know her.  Don’t start topics of conversation that exclude her.  Don’t focus in on warm-fuzzy memories of you and your best guy friend from 5th grade, aka her new boyfriend.  Don’t get physical with him with too many hugs, kissses, touches, etc.  Treat him the way you would want one of your DH’s female friends to behave around you, i.e., appropriately.

You can purposely make yourself into “not a threat” with his girlfriends if you really want to.  Or, you can be a threat and make her feel uncomfortable and out of place; then she’ll be guaranteed not to like you, just like all your best guy friend’s ex-girlfriends didn’t.  In other words – be polite, don’t be too into him and you should be just fine.

Post # 10
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@SweetartMD:  I never said that it helped, but you asked if people had been in similar situations so I answered the question :-/, sometimes crazy women are just crazy 

 

Post # 11
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

I think that the fact that you’re married should help a lot.  It really is a two way street, so I hope your best friend’s new girlfriend is equally interested in being friendly with you! 

My SO has 3 best friends, 2 of which are (straight) girls.  One of them is single.  I was kind of wary at first too, I’ll admit, but I worked really hard on keeping an open mind.  As someone on the other side of the fence, I found that hanging out with them really helped ease my mind because I could sense the dynamic between them.  If they were super tactile or affectionate in other ways, I might be uncomfortable, but as it is, I’m totally okay with it and I have a positive relationship with his girl besties.  There are certain things that I may not have liked if I didn’t witness vibe between them, but I always give my SO the benefit of the doubt, and I honestly believe it’s innocent, based on the feeling I get from his friendships.  Plus I’m the type not to worry unless I see a pattern.

I think my SO also went a long way to facilitate good will between his girl besties and I.  He showed me snippets of their chats way back when the two of us (my SO and I) first started Facebooking each other, where his best friend said kind things about me, how happy she is that he’s met a nice girl, and how she hopes she’ll make a good impression on me when she meets me.  So the guy has to put in some work, too!

Good luck! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Some girls are just like that, no matter how hard you try.  

However, take this opportunity to get to know her, find some common interests and maybe make plans to do something together (just you and her) sometime.  Maybe then, she’ll be less likely to view you as a threat. 

Post # 14
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

When my fiance was in college, he lived with another girl (and several other guys) and they were all JUST friends. She had a serious boyfriend at the time (they are now married). I remember thinking it was a little odd at first, I guess, but I never saw her as a threat really.

I can see how a new girlfriend might be jealous of the relationship you have with your friend. You are 100% comfortable around him, you probably know everything about his childhood, you know his parents and his family better than she, etc. The girlfriend is supposed to be the significant other in his life, yet you know more about him. Do you see where I am going with this? I would avoid bringing up his past, using inside jokes or avoid topics (at least in  the beginning) that would make her feel left out and/or make her feel inferior to you. Be really interested in her and them as a couple.

Post # 16
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@meggyo:  +1  This.

I’ve always been the girl to have  more guy friends than female friends and sometimes there’s just no getting around it. But, based on what you said, it always seems to be a problem with him. What’s always worked for me in the past with this (with the exception of the crazies) is to really  go out of your way and make her comfortable. Talk to her much more than him, and make it all about her the first few times y’all are together. After all, you already know him. =)

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