(Closed) how can I request my sis to move her date up one week? Kind of long…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Can you clarify why your 3 kids can’t come with you to the wedding? Since they’re homeschooled, they wouldn’t have to deal with missing instructional time that they couldn’t make up later. Perhaps they could even go to a museum in VA while you’re there — a very long field trip, but educational to be sure.

Unless your sister has declared a child-free wedding, I think this is going to be your best solution. Perhaps if there are other children planning to attend she’ll hire a babysitter or have a “kids room” for the wedding so that you don’t need to be watching them 24/7. (I know your kids have never been with a babysitter, but I think they’re old enough to be OK with it at this age.) If not, hopefully relatives will be there to help out.

If your sister can’t move her date — and if she has vendors chosen at this point, it’s unlikely that she can — I think it’s reasonable, given your and your ex’s constraints, for her to expect that you’ll need to bring the kids.

 

Post # 4
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@sisofbride2be: I could be reading this wrong, but if she kept her current date, you could come but it would be harder? If it was me, I wouldn’t ask her to move her date bc 1) it seems as her mind is set on it and 2) it’s a bit selfish to ask her to change her wedding date for a personal issue that isn’t life/death. I would just make it known to her that due to the date of her wedding, you can’t be as involved as you’d like. 

Post # 5
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honestly, I don’t understand the whole “no babysitter” thing, or why your FI needs to come. Is it really so bad to socialize your kids with another authority figure while you are away to allow your FI to do his first few days of classes? They will be out of your control eventually. It’s good to allow them to experience that over time, and get used to the idea. Or why not being the kids with you, but leave your FI at home? Both are good, viable options. Both are more reasonable than asking your sister to move her wedding date.

Post # 6
Member
3640 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with the other PPs, you have time between now and then to hire a babysitter and to have the children become familiar with them.

OR, why can’t they come with you? 

OR, why can’t one of his family come up and housesit/babysit whilst you are away? 

Post # 7
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Well, firstly, I don’t see why you can’t bring your kids along or leave them at home with their father and a babysitter when he’s not there. It’s not going to kill them to be babysat. They’re 4-6 years old, any non-homeschooled kid would be with another adult the majority of the day while they were away at school. It’ll be scary at first but your kids will adjust.

But if you can’t, then you’ll just have to tell you’re sister you’re very sorry but due to scheduling you’ll be unable to make it, you’re so sad it wasn’t the week before your husband’s classes started. You can’t ask her to change her date, especially when you COULD make it but it would just be inconvenient.

And while I know it would be nice to attend with your husband, if he can’t go because of school, then he can’t. End of story. You can go alone. You do not need to be attached to your immediate family 100% of the time.

Post # 8
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Honestly, I wouldn’t ask her to change her date. They picked the date, and it is a day that is already of special importance to them. Take the kids with you or leave them at home with their father’s family. Your sister shouldn’t have to change her wedding date based on personal issues you are having with your kids’ father.

Post # 9
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You have other ways of handling this other than your sister changing her date. You can find a babysitter in your hometown for the presumably few hours each day that your children’s father is going to be in class, or you can bring them up to VA with you and hire a babysitter for the few hours during the wedding, assuming it’s a no kids allowed type scenario.

I really empathize with your sister because you have to draw the line somewhere. Whatever date/time you choose, it’s going to be inconvenient for someone. I know I’ve gotten a lot of flack from relatives because my wedding is in the evening and an hour (just an hour) from my hometown. Sure, this is inconvenient for you and not the best timing, but you just need to settle for a solution that might not be ideal for you, but will work.

Plus, there’s no guarantee at this point that all of the vendors she wants will even be available on this date, or that they would be on the date that you prefer.

Post # 10
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@sisofbride2be:  If your sister is your best friend, then I assume she knows about your strained relationship and the difficulty you might experience traveling to her wedding.  I think that you should refrain from asking her to change her wedding date and instead have a brutally honest conversation with her about all of your concerns and the possibility that you may not be able to travel to VA for her wedding if it is on the date she picked. I’m not entirely clear why you accepted the role of MOH when it seems like all of these issues were likely present at the time that she asked you to be her MOH. If your sister hasn’t booked any vendors yet, and you are honest with her about everything you mentioned here with respect to the date, she might change the date herself, especially if she truly wants you to be present.  Just talk to her, the sooner the better.  Good Luck! Smile

Post # 12
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

no, just no. don’t ask her.  you need to find a way to work it out, sorry. I had people asking me to change my date to make it more convenient for them and I was really put off by it. I’m a pretty laid back bride and this was just too much for me.  Hire a babysitter to watch your kids during the ceremony if need be.  In my opinion, you really need to figure out how make it work on that date – hire a babysitter to sit with them at the ceremony while you are standing up with your sister if need be.  

Post # 13
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@sisofbride2be:  That is a special day for them so it’s kind of rude to ask them to change their date.  You can however let her know that finding someone to watch your kids will be difficult during that time period and may cause you to miss her wedding.  Ultimately, it’s her decision and you will have to deal with it.  Maybe spend the next few months finding and getting comfortable with a sitter who can watch the kids while you are at the wedding?  You will have 7 months to figure it out.

Post # 14
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

The short answer is, you can’t ask her to change the date. You’ve already let her know what challenges you face, and if she’d been willing to change the date, she would have done so then. 

Now you must decide how you can make things work so that you can attend the wedding, or decide to stay home and send your regrets.  Some potential parts of your solution could include flying instead of driving (which I know is more expensive, but may be far more manageable than a 13-hour drive with 3 kids on your own, and therefore would be money well spent); learning how to trust a babysitter; and being realistic and honest with your sister regarding how much responsibility you can take on towards her wedding.  None of these problems are un-solvable unless you make them so.

FWIW your virtual school system would most likely be accessible from anywhere. Talk to the site administrators. Chances are, your kids can log in and do their schoolwork even if not physically in Florida, and your sister or one of her friends probably knows a responsible teenager capable of sitting in a hotel room with the kids to make sure they’re doing their work and not chatting up pedophiles in a chatroom.

Also FWIW your husband really needs to learn to trust a babysitter.  The vast majority of people are responsible, and are not pedophiles, kidnappers, thieves, or pyromaniacs.  Being able to go do things without the kids is extremely healthy for couples, and if you don’t have the luxury of having family nearby to help with childcare, then you will need to learn to trust a babysitter.  There are services out there like sittercity.com that do some screening of the registered sitters on your site, or you can always ask a trusted teacher, colleague, or clergy member for a referral.

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