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Hi girls! I'm the mother of a bride-to-be and I have some very serious concerns with her relationship. I apologize for not using all of the abbreviations I've seen you use but this is my first post. I'm sure a lot of you have heard this before or read other similar posts but I'm going to relate my story anyway and see what suggestions you will have.
My daughter (21) has been dating and living with her fiance (22) for about 3 years. When I say living with, it has been in his parents house, with siblings. About 9 months into the relationship my daughter and her girlfriend decided to get an apartment together. The fiance objected and threatened the relationship if she did this. After numerous "discussions" she moved but still stayed at "his" house half the time. Another 9 months go by and she decides to break her lease and move to "his" house. None of this is truly cause for concern, I know.
My concern is his attitude towards the relationship. There has been several times when he has either threatened the relationship, tried to lock her out of the house so she couldn't get her belonging, belittled her, basically says if you don't like it, leave. She almost did a couple of times. The last time was about 2 months before he proposed. Now they are planning on moving and buying a house before they get married. He can get prequalified and basically buy a place. Now his opinion is "my house, my rules". He calls her constantly while he's a work and she is not, does his best to prevent her from spending too much time with her friends. She usually just does what he wants so as not to have a big arguement. Now, moving her our of the area, she will be away from all of her friends and family and he will pretty much be in control.
The last time she went back (stayed) with him she says "he's been trying, he's changed". I believe he does not view this relationship as a partnership but more like a dictatorship. Some might say old fashioned, as in the man goes to work and the woman stays at home and "obeys".
I want to make her fully aware of my feeling (as well as a lot of her friends) but make sure she knows that I will be there for her, but not for him. He is not welcome at our home. There won't be cards or gifts for himat holidays. We won't give her away to himat the wedding since we are opposed. When things go south, and I know they will, I will be there fore her and help get her out of the mess, but I think it is going to be very damaging to her mental health. This is the only long term relationship she has ever had. Only casually dating in high school. Her friends and I all think that she's afraid to break it off because she's afraid she won't find someone else, which is stupid. We think she's staying in the relationship for a lot of the wrong reasons.
I know, most of you will say MYOB. I understand. But there has to be someone out there that has gone through something similar. I am a very relaxed person. I don't stress about anything (really!) but I can't stop thinking about this. I don't want to lose my daughter, but I don't want to see her stepped on!
Thanks for reading this. I look forward to seeing your thoughts! Mom
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This sounds like a really tough situation. I think you are brave and wise to come on here for advice. I'm not sure I have any great advice, but if I was in your shoes, I might suggest that your family (not the fiance, but you, your daughter, and your husband) go to family therapy to discuss this. You can tell her, in a calm moment, that you aren't 100% supportive of this marriage, and that talking through it in a neutral environment with a professional around would make YOU feel better. Maybe if you can get her to go to the therapy sessions with you, then the therapist can help her see the aspects of the relationship that aren't healthy. Ultimately, she needs to feel that this is her OWN decision, not something you are forcing on her, and sometimes a neutral, third party is the best way to go about it.
Like I said, not sure that's a perfect solution, but it would be my advice. Good good luck.
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I don't know your daughter or her fiance, but from what you wrote it sounds like he is very controlling and manipulative, and at least bordering on being emotionally abusive. If he is like this before the wedding, chances are that it will escalate once they are actually married, and may turn physical. While there's probably nothing you can do to actually stop her from doing exactly what she wants to do, PLEASE do not cut her out of your life. She will need you so much more if things get worse. My mother was in an abusive marriage when we were young, and it was so hard when people abandoned her for being "foolish." I would research a little bit about emotional abuse and warning signs about domestic violence and present them to her, but be prepared to love her no matter what decision she makes.
i think that you should tell her your thoughts. be gentle with it (i can't imagine how i'd feel if my mother wanted to stop my wedding) it IS going to hurt her. then you have to do the hardest thing which is understand that it is her life and she is going to do what she wants, whether or not it is what you want. after that just support her and tell her you are always there to talk if she needs someone. i think if you go further she will end up resenting you for it. good luck!!
My heart really breaks for your situation --- it truly truly does. I'm not a mother yet, so I can't really relate, but I've been on the side of your daughter before and I know what's ahead for her which is equally heartbreaking.
I was with a guy for almost 10 years. He was hideous to me and my parents and everyone around me knew it. He was NOT the one for me. I hung on and hung on and hung on and the finally he broke my heart into a million pieces and walked away. My family was there to help me pick up every tiny little fragment (it took years). Recently, as I'm planning the wedding to the man of my dreams, I asked my parents (whom I'm SUPER close with) why they never tried to stop the relationship and my mom explained that they knew I wouldn't listen (I'm stubborn) and their efforts, even in my best interest would only make me resent them (they are right) and they did not want to loose me to him. They knew it wouldn't work out and they didn't want my life to be wrecked (and it was) but there was literally NOTHING they could do.
I certainly would NEVER tell ANYONE how to parent, but I think, unfortunately, you need to just be your daughter's mom. You can't stop the wedding and you can't make her decisions for her. You've already told her that you don't agree, but what she does with the information is beyond your control.
I really wish I had something more happy or certain to tell you. The bees are always here to listen and they all give great advice!
All the best and let us know what happens!
I am so sorry - it must be absolutely heartbreaking for you to watch your daughter live through this situation. Abusers often try to isolate and control their victims first (and your daughter's fiancee certainly displays many of the characteristics of an abuser). So I am concerned that your plan to set consequences with your daughter might backfire and play into her fiancee's plan to isolate her from her family and friends. I think you should speak to a professional who is trained in dealing with these heartbreaking situations. I would recommend that you try to find a local organization that helps women in this situation to ask them what steps are most effective to take in this situation.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I know there is nothing worse than seeing a loved one make self-destructive decisions.
I think the most important thing when speaking with your daughter is focusing on your care and concern for her, not your disdain for him. The reason I say this is because when people feel their decisions are being criticized, the natural response would be for her to defend her relationship and her right to choose for herself. It definitely sounds like her situation has the potential to escalate into something dangerous (if it isn't already), so I would also suggest maintaining a presence in her life. If he is successful in pushing her loved ones away, it makes it even harder for her to leave when she is strong enough to do so. Above all, I second professorbee-- your local domestic violence org can be a wonderful resource, so please don't hesitate to use it. My thoughts will be with you and your daughter.
I would direct you to read this post from a reader whose little sister was caught up in a similar situation with a controlling boyfriend:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/devastated-about-my-little-sister
As I said to that other reader- as a former Domestic Violence hotline counselor:
No matter how she behaves or what she does while he is manipulating her- DO NOT LET IT DRIVE YOU APART! NEVER judge her, always reassure her that you love her and want her in your life and be supportive of her in any way you can.
I don't think it's a good idea to forbid him from your home. That's the perfect ammunition he can use to further distance her from you ('I love you so much, why does your family hate me? They don't understand us- it's just you and I against the world. You have nobody but me'). If he is already controlling her and not letting her see her friends, imagine what will happen when you she tries to see you after he's barred from your home?
Some people may tell you to use tough love or something to try and get her to leave him- it won't work. He is trying to alienate her from her family/friends, isolate her, and leave her without a support system so she is totally dependent on him- and cannot leave. He's already doing that by moving her away and being the sole owner of their home. Especially if she isn't working, she has no financial means to support herself and get away from him!
If/when she does come to her senses, you want to be sure that she can reach out to you for help to get away from him! If you are constantly telling her she is wrong or foolish for being with him, imagine how hard it will be for her to come to you when she's ready to leave?
Have you heard the saying, "We always want what we can't have?" Well in this case, forbidding your daughter from marrying him, refusing to be at the wedding, barring him from your house- all those things may be pushing her to refuse to acknowledge that's she's wrong and you are right.
You cannot make her see the light and appreciate her own self worth.
I am not a parent, but if you were my friend I would advise the following (as long as she is not in PHYSICAL danger):
If you have made your feelings known, there is nothing more that you can do. Go to the wedding (tell her than even though you think it is unwise, you love her and support her), have him in your home when necessary- all so that you can maintain a relationship with your daughter. If you can stay close to her and she does not feel judged by you for her poor decisions, it will make it easier for her to turn to you for help.
I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.
I'm sorry you have so many things to be worried about. This sounds like a terrilbe situation where no one wins. I agree with a few others who have suggested counseling. Are you contributing to the wedding at all? Maybe you can make buying X service (dress, cake, whatever you're willing to contribute) contingent on at least two sessions of family couseling--one with your daughter and her fiance (the counselor may pick up on the same warning signs you have, and may be able to point out signs of abuse), and one with your daughter and you so you have safe, neutral places to air your feelings.
That might help soften the blow if she does go through with the wedding--you have contributed X, which might be enough to keep her from cutting you out of her life. It sounds like she is really going to need you.
Good luck.
Just wanted to say you've received excellent advice so far and to please to do some research on how you can support your daughter in case the wedding does go through. There are hotlines available for family members to seek advice:
I would never say to a family member to mind your own business. If you have a gut feeling, you need to follow your heart and be there for your family.
I agree with another poster that the man may escalate at some point with his controlling ways.
I think what you should really try to do- is reach out to support groups that can assist you and your family.
I don't know what state you are in, but going to a family counselor (for just you and your husband or the siblings) as well as a support group such as feminist.org which has state specific coalitions contact information. Another great resource is the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence who have great tips on getting help and preparing to provide help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week
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I feel for you as I can't really imagine the emotional turmoil you're going through.
My family went through a similar situation with my sister and her ex-boyfriend. He was also borderling emotionally abusive and we kept telling her to leave, but she stayed for the same reasons (what if no one else will love me? At least I have him, etc.). Unfortunately, you can't force her to see where she really is. I would suggest supporting her to your best ability and letting her know that she is loved. Does she have any friends that could call her up and do things with her every week? Even if you can't force her to do anything, try to build up her support network as much as possible to let her know that she is loved and not alone!
If you are a spiritual/religious person, I would also suggest praying. It definitely helps!
My heart goes out to you. Good luck!
I agree completely with rosychicklet. I think the closer you keep your daughter to you, the better. I also think that keeping an eye on her fiance is a good idea. If you alienate him, you can't watch over and protect your daughter.
They are both very young and impetuous. However, youth does not excuse his overly controlling and manipulative behavior. I fear for what will happen when your daughter finally breaks up with or leaves this person. He sounds like he has the capacity to be violent or let his temper get out of control. I'm not saying this to scare you, but I had a friend who was in a manipulative and abusive relationship. You have to be very careful with people like your daughter's fiance. I agree with Sparkles. Seek outside help and figure out how to be the best advocate to your daughter.
I wish you the best! Please let us know how you are coping.
Great and caring advice, rosychicklet. I absolutely agree.
I also agree that counseling of some sort seems like a great idea, if you can get your daughter to participate. It is heart breaking that she can't see that she deserves better than this kind of treatment, but she is going to have to realize that herself. There is a lot of complex psychology surrounding this kind of thing, and there are no simple answers. I don't think that you should mind your own business - your daughter's welfare is your business - but I do think that there is probably nothing you can really do to stop her from marrying him. The best thing is for you to express your concern for her in a manner that doesn't end up damaging your relationship or interfering with your ability to be a support system for her when she needs you.
To that end, I also don't think that you can bar your FSIL from your house. If you do, I think it just decreases the amount of time you can actually spend with your daughter. You absolutely don't have to put up with him treating her badly in your presence - and if he does, I think you absolutely should step up and let him know, nicely, you don't believe his behavior is called for. And you can try hard to build up her self-esteem, and reinforce in her mind that she deserves to be treated well.
Unfortunately, kids will do what they are going to do. You can guide them, and advise them, and help to some degree, but you can't make them do what you think is right. You spend a lot of time holding your breath and hoping that things don't turn out badly. And sometimes you have to resign yourself to the idea that they will only be convinced after some hard times. My stepkids are 18 and 21, and believe me, I know. It sounds like your daughter is in a pretty bad situation, but she obviously doesn't see it that way. As much as you would like to rearrange things so that everything turns out fine, things may have to get worse for her before she realizes that she has made a bad decision. The best thing you can do is to be there to help her when she does decide that she needs to make a change.
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When i read the title of your post, my first thought is that no one can stop someone else's wedding.
In this case, I see why you want to, but it sounds like you truly understand that you can't, and that all you can do is love your daughter.
You have already received a lot of great advice, and great resources to find professional help. I would just like to second the fact that the more supportive you are, the more willing your daughter will be to turn to you. If you shut her out, she won't have anyone to turn to when she finally decides she wants out of the relationship. I think that you should encourage her to bring him around. Because if he says rude and mean things to her in front of you, and you have already voiced your opinion to your daughter, she will just make excuses for him. But if you avoid talking badly about him and showing your dissatisfaction to your daughter, she will stop making excuses and will probably be embarrassed and might realize what an jerk he is being.
I also think that professional counseling as a whole would be good. Don't make your daughter feel like the point of the counseling is to make her break up with her soon-to-be husband. Instead, make the counseling about YOU. Tell her you want to figure out how YOU can learn to accept him. How YOU can make this work for your entire family. The issue of how controlling he is and how horrible he is will all come out in the counseling sessions.
I sincerely wish you all the best!
You've gotten a lot of good advice here. I will re-iterate one point. You need to make sure you don't drive your daughter away. She's going to need you at some point, and you need to make sure there is still a strong tie there so she'll feel safe coming to you.
That time may come after a wedding, and while that may seem devastating, it is a lot less so than losing your daughter.
I totally agree. You may not be able to stop it, but if you show too much negatively outwards towards your daughter and the guy she plans on marrying, he may start cutting off her contact with YOU, especially when they are married. He can check her phones and truncate your conversations. And then you'll really have trouble being there for her or knowing how he is treating her. If she becomes resentful, she may stop telling you information or start cutting off contact with you, also. Ultimately, she may side with him for the time being. All in all, it does not sound good, and I think the counseling is a good idea. I'm so sorry you are in this situation and your daughter is unable to see all the horrible things about this guy. I always think that if mom doesn't like him, there's always a good reason. It makes me want to come to your house and drop kick him. I hope she realizes this before it turns too violent or physical. Behavior like this tends to escalate. Be there for her so that when this does happens, she is not too embarassed to seek shelter or feels she has already burned her bridge with you. Which I know can never be the case between mother and daughter. Good luck
I agree with most posters that you should allow him into your home when she wants him there with her. Think of it in terms of the phrase "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". This was you can keep track of whether things get worse, better, or don't change. I am really sorry but you sound like a very loving mother and if you keep supporting her she will eventually come around and let you help her in removing him from her life (if things don't get better that is).
When I look at this post- I don't see my entry (#11) do you guys? I had left some links to some outreach/support groups. I figured I would repost it- if this thread lets me. (Darn internet abyss)....
National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse: hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and their website: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp_128.html
I don't know if you can see entry #11 (because I can't it looks like I managed to get it deleted somehow)- but I basically wanted to reiterate to keep the lines of communication open, be your daughters advocate and find resources in your area and hers that can be of help to get her to a safe place if she should need it. I would really think it would be beneficial if you try to prepare yourself for saving money for your daughter to provide it to her to help her get out (even if that means establishing a 1(800) number of your own through your home line, or looking into what the restraining order laws are near you). Find a local shelter she can go to if she doesn't live near you. And keep telling her you are there for her.
Sorry if my post(s) shows up a couple of times... I was re-editing it and I think I managed to find a way to confuse the server somehow.
Bump. You need all the help and advice you can get- hope a few more bees see this and respond!
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with many of the other posters.
I just wanted to add that I had a friend who went through a similar situation. None of us liked her fiance, including her mom. Her mother made that very clear and unfortunately my friend's fiance used that to his advantage after the wedding, as other posters have suggested is a possibility. "Why does your mom hate me?" etc. "It's just us against the world." My friend stopped talking to her mom for over a year.
The good news is that they are now talking again and the marriage seems to be improving--still I wonder if there could have been a way for my friend's mom to vocalize her concerns without upsetting the husband. I think the other posters have some good ideas.
I wish you the best of luck.
I think Rosy and others have offered all the right advice. I am so sorry for you to have to deal with this situation - my cousin had a similar predicament, married the guy at age 20 (he was 36) and was divorced at 27 - at which point she turned to her mom and said "why did you let me do this?" . The answer is that nothing her mom could have done could have stopped it.
The only thing I would emphasize is that this guy does sound emotionally abusive (or near it) so keep your daughter close, and make sure that if it ever turns physically abusive (hopefully not) you are there for her to come to ......
If you can find a great counselor, it would be a a great resource to have someone who you can talk to and get advice from....
I can't believe I received so many responses! There is obviously a fantastic group on this site!
As mentioned in several posts, I don't want to alienate my daughter. I will always support her and be there for her.
They are planning to move two hours away in a couple of weeks so I know I can't stop that. She has a lot of friends and does go out occasionally, but I've witnessed the manipulation less than a week ago and it was via a phone conversation.
Everyone has given me so much so read and think about it's going to take some time to decide what might the best for my situation.
We do plan on attending the wedding, to support her. Question: When you tried on wedding dresses and your mother was there, did she get emotional? This has bothered me, because I didn't. And I thought I would. I think it's because I know this is wrong.
Thanks again. I'll keep you posted! Mom
Carolyn Hax, the advice columnist, recommends not criticizing the guy or the relationship directly, because she'll just defend him and then it will be "us versus the world". Instead point out the changes in her e.g. "I notice you seem so sad lately, what's wrong?" or "I notice you seem very tense, is something going on?". That way you can keep the lines of communication open.
Also, please call the domestic violence hotline and talk over the situation with them so you are prepared in case it escalates.
My mom did not become emotional when I tried on "the" wedding dress I went with. But I could tell she wanted to- I think I am not a very fluffy emotional person, so she held herself back because of that. ;o) As soon as we have our ceremony my mom and dad said they are going to let the flood gates open (which made me roll my eyes), because we are going to be the same people- I am still going to be their daughter so how is being married any different that they are crying about it? I dunno, this could just be me though.
If you want to cry, cry, if you don't- I personally wouldn't read too much into it. But I would defintely savor those heart to heart moments because those are the times a daughter looks back on through the course of their life. I remember being four yrs old when I stood there and looked at my mom and told her "mom I don't want you to die" and it was funny because my mom sat near me and said "we all do- but I will always be there for you" and it's a memory I have always carried with me. Be attentive to how you come across. There is definite fine line, because the good, and not so good memories can last a lifetime.
Despite how you feel about the nuptials, I know you will bear in mind that she is still your little girl. So I think you should find the balance between wearing your emotions on your sleeve but also being honest with yourself and to your daughter.
I don't have any advice for you, but I just want you to know that you and your daughter are in my thoughts. I think it's wonderful that you would come to a community like WB to seek advice!
I don't know of anyway to print the blog but if you want your daughter to read it you could point her in this direction by saying something like "I came across this blog today and opened my eyes to other people that are having a hard time accepting their future son-in-law. I thought maybe you'd like to read it to see where I'm coming from." or something like that.
Please let us know how it turns out. You're in my thoughts.
Sparkles: your post is caught in the moderation queue because of the links...it'll appear shortly.
Another quick thought.... when checking the resource links posted by others, keep any eye out of lists of warning signs and testimonials from other victims of abuse. Since this situation is emotionally charged, your daughter may not be willing to listen to your concerns of abuse. But sometimes, it really resonates with people when in reading the literature, they recognize parts of their own situation within the text. You can present her with the unbiased information and let her arrive at her own conclusions.
I think you have had a lot of great advice. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship (my first real relationship), I can say it hard to listen to those who even have the best intention. Friends and family can be supportive and give advice but I can say I rarely listened because to me I didn't have a way out, so all I could do was make sure I kept him happy, pathetic I know...My outlet was my mother, no she didn't know all the intimate details, but I would escape with her, to go shopping or just talk to her on the phone about dreams or plans.
Now that I am out of the relationship my parents on numerous occasions have said how thankful they are for my leaving the relationship, and I am too. I definitely was a totally different person. I didn't go to counseling or call any hotlines, for me it was a self realization of hey I haven't seen my friends in while...I had to make a self assessment and then ponder the strength to do something about it.
All I can say is do not push her away. As much as it will hurt do not push him away, it is better to keep him close to...Please just be supportive of her as she will allow you to be...
Take care, you will be in my prayers!
Regarding the "emotionality of the dress" my mom did not get mushy at all. In fact I went dress shopping without her and sent her text messages with pictures. I think it is great that you are going, regardless of how you feel about the wedding. My ma was very practical about it. Didn't cry or anything, but gave constructive criticism like "oh your butt looks too big" or "uh your boobs are too showy", "that one is ugly" etc. Hey, sometimes you gotta hear it like it is. And I knew it was true because, honestly, she was right! When I put on THE dress, she called back and said I better buy it because it looked the best on me but wasn't like 'omg that's the dress honey'. It just simply looked the best and it was comfortable and affordable. So don't worry. I think the dress shopping has a cloudy feeling over it because you are so worried for her safety and sanity, the dress is probably on the back burner. I would not read too much into that, please!
"Mom" I just wanted to add that I think you are an incredibly strong woman. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders & you mention that you will always support your daugther & be there for her, which is huge. You also seem to be very understanding. Instead of just putting your foot down, you came here to look for ideas and advice, and you seem to really be thinking this through to find the best solution for your particular situation. So kudos to you for that... she is lucky to have a mom like you.
In regards to the dress, I didn't cry, nor did my mom. But I am the type of person who tries on a dress, tries on a few more, tries the one I liked back on, take a few pictures, go home, think about it, look at the pictures, think about the pro's and cons, and finally go back to purchase it. It was a very logical process to me, not an emotional one.
Beyond that, I think it is very natural for you to not be emotional about the dress, because in your heart you don't want her to get married. And THAT DRESS signifies one of the first steps, or at least a big step, that she is taking to get married. It's definitely not WRONG so I wouldn't beat yourself up about this one. If you are helping your daughter with the planning, try to focus on her special day, the love you feel for her, and her happiness. Try not to think about HIM so much, and maybe that will make it easier.
Again, good luck with everything!
I know this must be a very hard thing for you to go through. It's difficult to watch someone you care about make life-altering decisions you don't agree with.
It is difficult to know what is going on between two people in a relationship. No matter how much insight a person might have, he/she is still outside the situation. That being said, I think being outwardly against your furture son-in-law is the wrong way to go about things. You need to be outwardly for your daughter. Abuse is a cycle. Sometimes her fiance is going to be wonderful to her and make her feel like she is the focus of his universe. And then sometimes, the controling/abusive side you've seen is going to come out. I've also been in a relationship like this (so sad that so many of us bees have been there) and it's difficult to balance the good with the bad. It's natural for a person to want to feel loved and gloss over the fights and abuse. No one wants to believe someone they love so much is going to hurt them.
I agree with everyone that you need to maintain a strong presence in your daughter's life. I don't think you need to pretend to love your new son-in-law or anything, but you do want to avoid the us-against-them set-up. Make sure your daughter knows how you feel and treat her FI with respect. This is one of those occassions where you should "kill them with kindness." It doesn't mean you have to put on a show of pretending to be OK with anything, but if you're the perpetual good guy, won't your argument carry more weight? Just a suggestion.
Worst case scenario, though, I agree with the others that you should familiarize yourself with the signs of abuse. If the relationship is the way you describe it, it could be headed in that direction.
Trying to get the FI to go to counseling too wouldn't be a bad idea. It sounds like he really has a problem, and if they worked on it together, it would ultimately strengthen their marriage.
Good luck Mom!
p.s. My mom didn't cry during my dress shopping. 
This may sound silly, but I was home sick yesterday and caught Oprah -- her show was about abusive relationships (related to the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation) and she had Tyra Banks as a guest. One thing that Tyra said that was SO important was that Tyra was in an abusive relationship when she was younger -- she knew it and her mom knew it. Tyra knew she had to get out of it, but couldn't bring herself to leave him. One time she said to her mom something along the lines of "why don't you just tell me that I have to leave him?" And her mother said "if I tell you to leave him, you know you won't, and then you'll just resent me and hide from me that fact that you're with him. It will drive us apart and I will NOT tell you what to do. You need to do for yourself what is right for you." (I'm paraphrasing, here!) Eventually Tyra made her OWN decision to leave the guy.
Basically, you and other people telling your daughter to leave him is only going to make her more stubborn and more likely to stay. Being supportive of her and not telling her what to do may give her the ability to think for herself a bit more and realize sooner rather than later that he is not the one for her. I know this is not an ideal suggestion, especially because you dislike this guy so much and don't want to see your daughter hurt, but by pushing him away, you will only be pushing her further. I hope that she eventually sees that this relationship is not right for her and she gets out before marrying him. From what you have said it sounds like he is borderline abusive (if not full-fledged). I don't say this to scare you, but to make sure your daughter stays safe. I'll keep you and her in my thoughts and I hope that everything works out for the best!
What does everyone think about me sharing this blog with my daughter? And then discussing my (our) feeling afterwards? I don't have a lot of time as they are moving two hours away in two weeks. I don't think I could arranging counseling althought I think it would be good for her. She does work so it would be hard to work around her schedule.
I can't say how much I appreciate the response the Bees have given me! Thanks!
I don't know if you should show your daughter the entry on this blog. She might take it the wrong way that you went to a public forum open to discussion. I think you should try to contact a professional first, and then see what steps they advise for you to take. And then after everything is all said and done, and healing has begun then I would maybe then consider showing her your entry. But you know her better than anyone else, so only you have an inkling as to how she might react when you share with her all these brides opinions. (frankly, I think she might become overwhelmed).
Great advice hive. Good job rosychicklet.
Mom, I'm praying for you and your daugther. I can see expressing your thoughts like Sakoro said. Not focusing on him or how he's treating her. Just saying she doesn't seem like herself lately, etc.
For some reason this reminds me of baby Jessica. Remember her? You can't chase the baby down the well. She'll fall deeper and the dirt will cave in on her. You have to dig a second shaft and come up from below. I guess it's like the most direct approach won't work in a case like this. You have to take a more indirect route.
Good luck. Please keep us posted.
I am an encore bride. My xh was manipulative and controlling and was cruel as well as in the end adulterous.
Please do keep your daughter close. Be her confidant, her bff, and make sure there are no barriers between you.
My xh also attempted towards the end to control and manipulate me and isolate me from my closest friends and family. They all in the end wanted me to divorce him, but I had to see things for myself and when the cheating on his end came (he began making quite a bit of money and it went to his head), I called it quits finally.
I would also seek the aid of a counselor with a women's shelter. Ask for advice and help on how to break thru to your daughter.
His behavior now is appauling. But five, ten years from now it will for sure have escalated to a point where she could potentially be in real danger. Please understand this. And if help can come BEFORE they become parents even better.
Again, seek advice from experts. Maybe also a therapist or counselor and also the women's shelter too! Get as much help as you can. Her self esteem may be falling too, so understand she may not be the same bubbly, vibrant young woman you know and love right now. I felt towards the end with my xh, that my life was on mute. That every day was grey and I was sadder than anybody could imagine.
Life DOES go on. One day she will realize this has to stop and later on after she's grieved, worked on herself, and renewed her spirit, she will be open to love again, and she will definitely love smarter! Take it from a girl who's been there.
Just bumping this topic because I think some readers may have missed it and I think this is a very important topic!
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