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I always give my husband space and never question where he went or who he went out with. He would just tell me he's going out with his guy friends but they haven't decided where to go. I'm not the jealous type. But lately since the economy is so bad my hubby has been out of job. 4 months ago...I found out my husband had been talking to this girl everyday on the phone for 2 months. They would go cubbing together with his group of guy friends. At that time my husband had been acting pretty distance from me. When I confronted my husband he first lied and said he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Couple days later he lied and told me that was his ex he was talking to which is so not true. I called that girl and talked to her. She said he told her he was single. She had no idea he was married. She said they only went out a couple times to clubs with his guys friends....but she was the only girl in that group. I confronted my husband in February. At that same time I found out he was also talking to 3 other girls. Most of those girls didn't really answer his calls or did not had much interest in him...but all of them tell me he told them he was single. To this day I don't know how far my husband got with the first girl. But for the past 2 months he has changed.... he deleted all those girls numbers. He did not talk to any girls at all. He treats me so nice and affectionate. He knows I will be checking his call records. But just yesterday I found out he got antoher new girls number. He didn't dare call her. But she tried calling him last Thursday...he didn't answer the call. When I confronted my husband why he exchange his number....he said he was drunk. That is no excuse. I'm to the point I want a divorce. My friends tell me I should stay and try to work things out. They said although my husband exchange numbers...he didn't talk to that girl because he knows I will be checking his call records. That means my husband still cares about my feelings. And besides this situation my realtionship is so affectionate and sweet right now. Things got so much better. My friends tell me I should just let go and stop checking on him. As long as my relationship is solid I should not be insecure or jealous. If he choose to talk to girls I can't control that. What do u guys think. I need some advice?
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it sounds like you need some support! You came to the right place for the hugs, but I would really suggest some counceling for the two of you, and if you can't get to a point where you are happy, then get out. Period.
Relationships aren't easy but they shouldn't be miserable or one sided. Who performed your ceremony? Do you have a minister you could speak to or maybe a professional mariage counselor? If he won’t try to make it better then I think you can’t do anymore. Cheating is something I think should be dealt with at a zero tolerance level, and if he doesn’t feel like he needs to earn back your trust and respect then he doesn’t deserve you period.
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Wait -- because he didn't call girls, he just went so far as to get their numbers (multiple numbers!) and also give out his own, he still cares about your feelings?? They're joking, right?
I don't know if I'd go so far as to immediately divorce, but it sounds like a trial separation and some major counseling are in order. Why does he need to get these girls' numbers and act like he's still on the market if he's really happy in the marriage? If I were you, I would be SO upset. It's like he needs to know he could still get another girl if he wanted to, and that's not the way a loving husband should act.
I am really sorry that you're going through this, and I apologize if I'm coming off as harsh. I just hate it when men behave badly and women (your friends) justify their behavior by telling you to stifle your own needs, namely, your need to be the #1 woman in his life without worrying about him meeting random chicks in bars.
Umm...I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with your friends here. If I am inferring correctly, you discovered that your husband had given out his phone number to several women, telling them that he was single. He did not come to you to confess this fact. He regretted getting caught and stopped doing it for a few months, and then got another woman's number. This is very inappropriate behavior which needs to be addressed. If you would like to stay in this relationship, your husband will have to go to counseling and explore the reasons behind his behavior. If, after a great deal of work, he understands what causes his behavior, is truly sorry about the pain he has caused you and is willing to promise to never come near this line again, you can decide if you want to stay in this marriage.
Your husband not calling back the most recent girl doesn't necessarily mean he cares about your feelings- it just means he doesn't want to get caught.
I would not tolerate a relationship where I had to police my husband to keep him from cheating on me. You should trust your husband to do the right thing regardless of whether or not he will get caught.
If you don't trust your husband, it's a serious problem.
I don't know if I would jump immediately to divorce. Have you considered marital counseling? There are tried and true methods for rebuilding trust in relationships- perhaps that will help your relationship.
My biggest piece of advice is to trust your gut feelings- if you think he has been or will be unfaithful, you are probably right.
Sorry you are going through this. Best of luck.
Yeah, yikes. Just because he didn't talk to the most recent girl doesn't mean he's respecting you. If he was, the girl wouldn't have gotten his number in the first place. No level of intoxication makes a husband handing out his number acceptable. Sorry to say but I really don't think anybody in a marriage should be in the business of policing the other's actions. Like everybody else, counseling is a good idea, and just trust your own intuition.
Good luck, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!
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Friendly banter with a female is one thing... exchanging phone numbers, talking in secret, clubbing and telling them he's single? I'm sorry to say that those would be deal-breakers for me. Whether he chalks it up to boredom in his unemployment or being drunk, that's no excuse. He took a vow to be with you till death do you part, and regardless if anything physical has happened with these other girls, that still doesn't make it okay. He is not only lying to you, but he's telling people he is SINGLE!
Of course he didn't call that new girl or answer when she called him -- he knows you're onto him. The fact that he knows you'll be checking his call records proves to you both that there is a lack of trust there. I'm skeptical about how you say that things are so much better now and he is so affectionate and sweet. I would have a hard time believing that his affection is genuine or if he is just trying to make up for some pretty huge mistakes. Affection and kindness do not equal honesty and faithfulness. Love is one thing -- but it's nothing without honesty and faithfulnes.
I am very sorry that you are in this situation... but if this happened to one of my friends, I would have to tell them to wake up and get out before kids are involved. I'm sorry to be so blunt. You just should not have to put up with this and you deserve someone who doesn't lie or go behind your back.
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Um, if my fiance was giving his number out to random women and telling them he was single, and my friends told me I was being insecure and jealous, I'd dump them all.
Your friends are wrong. You cannot allow that behavior to continue while you turn a blind eye, because it will only get worse when he finds women who ARE interested. That is absolutely unacceptable behavior in a marriage and in my mind constitutes infidelity.
I second the advice that you seek marital counseling.. Don't rush to divorce, as counseling might help you learn to trust again. Best wishes to you and your husband, and I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble right now. I hope things work out for you.
I know marriage counseling will help but there is no way my husband will go. He thinks he did nothing wrong. And talking to that first girl going out with her with a group of guy friends..he thinks that's not cheating. I'm so hurt right now...I don't know what to do. A part of me tells me I should stay since he's changed and treats me better. Another part of me is so hurt that I don't know how I can go on or trust him again. I'm just venting right now...
These are the habits that tend to never change.
It sounds like he's making an attempt to change...but ultimately he'll never be 100% reformed. I'm predicting this through what I've seen in my own experience, as well as seeing friends go through similar situations.
You have the power to change things...you just have to be strong and do it.
if he won't change then it won't get better! If he hurts you it doesn't matter if it is “wrong” or allowed, the point is it hurts and he won’t stop. If any of my girlfriends told me they were in this situation, I’d make up the couch, send my guy for their stuff and have them start calling attorneys.
If he won't stop and do what it takes get out now! just remember- YOU are better off.
You say he's changed, but then you say that you found a new girl's number just yesterday. He's changed his outward behavior toward you to make you less suspicious, or that's what it seems like, and it seems to have worked -- for a while. But if even when he's being so apparently sweet he's still giving out numbers (she tried to call him just this last Thursday!) then that's not really changing. That's lying.
Re: marital counseling, as my beloved Dear Abby ALWAYS writes to people with marital problems- if your husband won't go to marital counseling, go alone. At a minimum, it can help you figure out what YOU need to do-- divorce or otherwise.
The fact that he lied about the situation in the first place just proves that he knew what he was doing was wrong enough to keep it from you. I'm sorry you are going through this but giving his number and taking numbers from women and telling them he is single is wrong no matter which way you look at it. The fact that you have lost trust in him and you checking his phone records is reason enough for him to want to go to counseling and gain your trust back and wok on the marriage!! Firmly "suggest" it again even if you find the counselor yourself and set up the appointment yourself. At that point it will be on him to want to work things out.
I hope things work out for the best and wish you luck.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. If he won't go to marriage counseling with you, then go without him---and don't hide it from him (let him know you're going, and invite him to come. Keep the door open to coming even if he turns you down). It's like how people with relatives who are alcoholics go to Al-Anon---not because they are alcoholics but because the people they care about are, and that is also a big burden to bear and deal with.
It will help you sort this out, because it sounds like your relationship is in serious trouble, even though you are not the one who's misbehaving. His behavior mirrors the Cycle of Abuse (even though he may not be actually hitting you or yelling at you), because periods of misbehavior are followed by seeming reform, where everything is sunshine and roses, but inevitably it slips back to bad times again. It's the alternation between love and hurt that keeps people hanging on, because you think, maybe this time he's really turned a corner....but when you see signs of the old ways showing through the nice new exterior, it means it's not real change. At least not yet.
Best of luck to you.
I'm with amandapolis on at least getting counseling for yourself to figure out what to do. It's hard to make such a major decision and so no matter what you decide it would be good to have a neutral person to help you work through your thoughts and feelings.
And I don't want to jump to conclusions, but you've described almost to a "T" what a friend of mine went through before *her ex-husband* ultimately asked for a divorce. In her case, she didn't learn about the other women until later, but the distance etc were all there already (and there were many other women it turned out). I don't know, it seems to me that if you already know this much, there's likely to be more, not less going on. I guess I'm suspicious by nature given my own and my friends' past experiences...but still.
I'm really sorry to hear this...it must be pretty rough. Know that no matter what, the fact that you are already asking these questions in terms of whether you can live with this and what do you need means you have the strength to take care of yourself. You will figure out what's best for you...and I wish you a lot of courage while doing so.
Visit marriagebuilders site. Dr. Harley is an expert in marriages in crisis, crisis prevention, and in infidelity.
My xh cheated. I will not ever put up with any of that or any signs of that again. Period. He is disrespecting you and the vows you both took.
He's meeting women, telling them they're single, REFUSING to go to counseling..all signs of a cheater. He doesn't want to be told he's wrong. Simple as that.
Get some advice over there. Meanwhile my advice is this..if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck..then it's a darn duck.
I am so very sorry for your pain, but spending the rest of your married life looking behind you or having to question your partner or never having real trust is NO WAY to live.
Wish you all the best in the world. You will survive this..either he confronts his PROBLEM or he doesn't..and you cannot make another person do anything. I had to sadly learn that the hard way. My x also has cheated on the woman he married immediately after our divorce (one of the other women). That's not a life I'd ever want to revisit under any circumstance. I thought love would never find me again..but it did. And I have somebody I can trust with my life if need be.
He's a liar, it's a simple as that. Maybe he hasn't always been but he had become one. He lied about marriage, lied to you about cheating and is lying to now to make you feel better. He has a problem and it sounds like he doesn't want to admit it. He is abusing you whether or not you want to admit it. Get help for yourself first and foremost and secondly for him if he will accept to do so.
Good Luck!
babyjen, i was reading another board and i was really sorry when i saw your comment about being hit by your husband... it's not only this fidelity problem... so please, just leave him... you can stop this hell, because you deserve happiness, respect, love... i cannot give you other advice and maybe i cannot explain myself correctly, but this is what i think you should do, because you sound like an amazing, strong, centered, capable woman who by no means deserve this... big big hugs and prayers for you...
Thank you mexicangirl....I really need the comfort. I am trying so hard to stay strong. I'm in so much pain right now.
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so sorry to hear this!
but i, too have read your post on the other board stating that your husband is physically abusing you. THAT would be enough for me to leave. But this just tops it off.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
Like Miss Pinot Grigio has said---these habits will not change.
Babyjen-First of all girl GIANT HUGS and lots of love and prayers.
If your husband has hit you, even just once, even if he was drunk or says he will never do it again, I implore you to leave him. He took a vow to love and PROTECT you, not intentionally harm you in any way. As Oprah said, "Love doesn't hurt physically." I know honey, cause I too have been in an abusive relationship in the past, it may be the most difficult thing you do but you have to take care of yourself first. There is are so many great support groups out there for martial consueling (you can go alone) or battered women/domestic violence. I used the support of those groups to help me leave my situation, I know you can do the same thing honey.
We love you on here and want you to be safe and happy. Pleasse make sure you stay stong and do what is the best for you.
Girl, his behavioiur is unacceptable. When he married you part of the vows involved being TRUE to you. All his lying and hanging out with other girls behind your back violates those vows. It is good that he is now showing a bit of remorse, since he deleted the numbers and is acting affectionate towards you now. Nonetheless, the two of you should get some professional counselling so that you both can understand what caused him to behave this way and gain some valuable advice on how to deal with it.
Maybe he was feeling insecure and he wanted to see if he still had some swagger left? Maybe he was bored? Whatever the problem is, he should be resolving it with you and not turning to other women. Counselling will help the two of you work together as a team. Don't give up on your marriage so easily. Getting through this might involve a lot of hard work, but it will be worth it once you overcome these problems. The two of you will emerge stronger. Hugs and best of luck!
So sorry babyjen. He has some big strikes against him. I think you should try to sort this out by spending time at a your parents' home or a friends' home ASAP. Go to counseling if he doesn't. But if you return to him, do so only after a lot of work, especially on his part. He needs to show you he has completely changed and can control his anger. He also needs to be completely trustworthy about not sniffing around other girls. It's a tall order, and I don't know the percentages on the likelihood he'll get those things in check. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, he doesn't want to change. I think you know what that would be telling ou.
I'm so sorry. Good luck.
Just wanted to write and send you some (((HUGS))). You don't deserve it, and nothing you could do makes it okay for him to hit you. I wish you much strength as you sort this out. It will get better, and easier.
I want to Thank you all for your supports.
I had talked to my stepmom (which is my only family member here, I treat her like my real mom...my bilogical mom left me when I was 6 months old) my stepmom suggested me to try Marriage counseling. She said that's the last thing I can try before leaving. She had talked to my husband earlier. He admitted his fault and said my argument last night about cooking crappy food and getting physical was childish. He agreed to go seek Marriage counseling with me and try to work things out. He told my stepmom to tell me....that when I get home from work he will sit down and talk with me. I will see how things go and keep u guys posted.
I am glad to hear that your husband has agreed to seek counseling with you. I sincerely hope he follows through and that things improve.
Nevertheless, what you are describing here (and what you described in this post (comment 23) is absolutely without a doubt an abusive relationship. You've admitted as much in your other post. If you've got any lingering doubts, check out this post from the Health Services people at Columbia University (Go Ask Alice), which has a lot of resources linked in it.
I also think you should look at this diagram of the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse is how they get you to stay. After hurting you, they appear to "reform" themselves and are on their best behavior. This is part of the cycle, not real change. I don't think your step-mom talking to him was enough for real change. Unless something major happens, it's only a matter of time before it goes back to abuse, and repeats itself again. The only way you will know he has really changed is through his behavior, not his words. Actions speak so much louder.
Please, please take care of yourself. You are being so strong already and if you keep going you can get out of this. We are all here for you.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hate to say this, but I am 100% in agreement with Bellenga. I too was previously married to a cheater-turned out that he NEVER stopped dating. Not to compare the men, but this is something that will never change. Babyjen-I don't know how to tell you this (but on some level, I think you already know, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking us...don't get me wrong...we love you and this is a great place to go for support...how brave of you to come and put it out there, however...) I don't know how to tell you that his behavior has probabably not changed, he's just gotten better at hiding it.
Policing, checking up on, following around-these are not components of a healthy relationship. If you tolerate this behavior, then you are enabling it. I'm biased of course, as I've come from a marriage where there was infidelity, and going straight to divorce, do not pass go, etc. is not the immediate answer-it certainly seems to be headed that way. I read something on here in another post that was in regard to questionable behavior on a fiance or husband's part and I want to tell it to you here (wish I could give the credit to the right bee!) What she said was this:
Can I live with this, LIKE this for the rest of my life? (I hope I got that right-it's a good one!) You can talk yourself into all kinds of acceptance, but I think if you look in your heart, you know that this is not acceptable.
Just putting it out there, but 16 years later-my ex left me with 15 month old twins-after 6 years together and 10 of them married...and he was dating the entire time. Sidenote-he married the last woman he cheated with, and guess what? He now also getting divorced from HER. You have to operate in self-preservation mode now-take care of your head, take care of your heart-my prayers are with you sweetie.
Babyjen,
I recently got married, and believe in a combined philosophy which includes: We are only human, but treat others as you would like to be treated. Basically being human we're all bound to make mistakes. However, there is a genuine mistake, and then there is the puposeful act that is a step too far that can not be forgiven. Marriage is about give and take, the good and the BAD times. People these days are sooooo quick to step in and say you should leave him - Get a divorce or trial separation. But Marriage is about commitment, true love is not quantifiable or justifiable in many cases, and its serious hard work.
Getting other girls Numbers - and He's Mr. SINGLE - He's trying to be like his mates who Im guessing are all still quite young at heart and he's missing being one of the lads. He most prob needs some space, some time to feel like himself before you were married. For although you are now united in the eyes of the law and (maybe) your faith, he's still an individual - same as before. He most prob fancies a change. He's being attentive because he feels guilty. Talk to him - no demeaning language, or aggressive voices (including patronizing) - try and find out what he's thinking. I would be beyond cheesed off if my hubby told me all of this and was doing all what you say your hubby is doing, but you have to work on the trust thinkg. The only way you're really going to gain his interest again really is to be independent and have the 'fun' you used to have with friends -clubbing, weekends away with friends, shopping, theatre, exhibitions - everything and anything. But try not to get too upset over this, Im sure you can work through it - just make sure he works a little bit for it.
Hitting you - Now I feel mad. Above is my response to the initial part of your question, but then as I was reading - someone mentioned he has raised his hands to you. Its up to you. But I would let him know the next time (if not this time), he would be seeing the insides of a prision cell. No person has the right to lay hands on the other. There is no respect in that. I think marriage counselling is a very good idea, and explain to him you believe that you are at the point of considering divorce - if this is true - or however it is you are truely feeling and that you have been considering leaving him, soits either he goes for counselling or thatsthe alternative. If you're situation allows.
Be strong and seeking support is the right thing.
Babyjen - you have gotten a lot of great thoughtful advice here.
If you were my friend, I would say Get out, get out now. If you go to counseling, do it as a separated couple, do not live under a roof with this man, do not allow him to have any further control over you - emotionally or physically - unless and until he somehow absolutely proves to you he deserves otherwise. But honestly, a man who physically abuses his wife, runs around telling other women he is single - that is not the kind of man who is likely to be the kind of husband you deserve.
There are plenty of instances where I might be careful - but if I had a friend who was married to someone who so blantantly disrespected their marriage vows OR hit her, there would be no quibbling on my part to get involved. Take care of YOU.
Sending hugs your way. I'm a firm believer that people don't really change. More or less, you are who you are. And i hold a grudge, so I also know myself. Sometimes the temptations are just too great and you know yourself, if you can forgive him or not. I am not that kind of person. I have no problem walking out the door and slamming it in his face. You do not deserve to be this unhappy or tormented by someone who has no respect for you anymore.
Judging from what you have posted about your husband, I think it's time to walk away with your head held high. There is a time and place for divorce, although many would disagree with me. Get away from him before you get hurt more. The emotional pain will heal, but the longer you prolong it, the worse it will get.
Seek advice from a profesional counselor on how to handle this situation so you are SAFE and don't outrage your husband. He or she will give you tactics on how to deal with him (if at all) and your emotions and also any legal standing you have in case he locks you out of your house, etc etc.
Good luck. I wish you lived near me so I could offer you a safe haven! My cats are pretty vicious 
Babyjen, I am going to add to this. Physical abuse is not only against the law, but it's intolerable and inexcuseable on his behalf.
This man has shown that he cannot control his behaviors on any level. All of us get mad, but nobody deserves to have a hand raised to them by the one they give their heart and promise to love and honor for the rest of their life.
Please rethink things. Even when talking at that site I told you of, I can say that physical/spousal abuse (for THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED) isn't usually encouraged by any counselor. I doubt any counselor would want or encourage a spouse to remain in that relationship unless the abusing party got some psychiatric help and was deemed SAFE on many levels.
Be smart..be safe..there will always be love..the right kind of love that HONORS you and RESPECTS you. If I could find it at the ripe old age of 38, then you could too!
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I am pasting here Babyjen's OWN words. It's my sincere prayer/thought/good wish that you REREAD what you wrote, your own words from your heart and think about if this woman writing here for advice was your own sister, or best friend. What would YOU tell her to do?
HERE ARE BABYJEN'S WORDS:
" A year after we got married, the arguements turn to verbal abuse. At times he would be the sweetest guy ever than at other times we would argue....the argument have turn to physical abuse. We had a puppy... He would get mad when my dog pees in the house. He complains that I don't know how to train the dog. He pushed me to the ground. Then said get out. He pulled my arm and drag me out the door. He apologize after that....I kept thinking things will get better I can get through it, but just last night my husband got mad at me because I cooked a crappy dinner. He started cussing and said the food taste like crap. He started yelling and say I thought I taught you how to cook the steak. He blame me for being lazy and not putting attention to the food. I was actually calm and told him I'm sorry if dinner didn't turn out right. He just kepting yelling and yelling, then I got to the point I gaved him an attitude, I said then don't eat the food. So I took the food away from him. He got the food back to the table, I took it away the second time and said I'm gonna throw it in the trash. When I did that, he pulled my hair and pushed me against the couch and hit me. I have bruises all over my body. I'm to the point that I'm trying to get out of this relationship. I'm emotionally ruined and depress. He don't admit he 's wrong. He always blames me for all the arguements and said everything is my fault. He calls me a psycho b***tch. He said I need to go to a mental hospital"---Babyjen
___________________________________________________________________________postscript from me (belle):There are incredible resources available for women who endure this kind of issue. My x was cruel at the end and it was quick and sporadic, but I immediately left him. I will not discuss here what happened, but let's just say it was immediately followed by my filing for a divorce..again I speak to you from experience when I tell you it's not wise to be around somebody who CANNOT and WILL NOT control their behaviors/reactions.
Just curious - did you two get married at a young age - like before 25? It seems some guys think they are ready to commit to the woman they love, but afterwards they stray. It's no excuse by any means, it's just that this same thing recently happened to my best friend during her engagement - she's 27 & he's 22.
I just read bellenga's post, babyjen, I would defo recommend you get your own space. Work on your marriage if you want but from a safe distance. His behaviour is unacceptable. No question about it. I agree with what bellenga's post recommends. Think about you, what if you had children or were pregnant??
I think you should try staying with a friend or family member, if even just for a couple of weeks, while you sort things out and remind yourself that you deserve to be in a happy, healthy realationship with somebody that loves and respects you. You also definitely could use some counseling - try either a marriage/relationship counselor, or a support group.
I do domestic violence work and I see a strong connection between abuse and infidelity. I'm not sure why it exists, except that it happens in men who want to have total power and control in their relationship and want to make their wives or girlfriends feel like crap.
Take a break. Go visit a family member or a friend for a week. See whether you miss him or you are just relieved to not have to deal with his sh*t.
You should also consider hiring a private investigator to find out whether he is actually cheating on you or not (this depends on your financial situation, obviously.) It sounds to me like you need actual proof as to whether he is cheating or not, because you clearly can't trust his friends or him to tell you. It sounds like his friends are enabling him to hang out with these girls - it wouldn't surprise me at all if he's using their phones to call them so that you don't find out.
Nope..didn't marry young at all. Over 27. Me 27 he 28.
We were both educated and out of college with good careers. go figure. What DID happen in my case was my xh suddenly made LOTS of $$$ and that in itself I think can lend to feeling (I've read about it in books) that one is ENTITLED to something...in his case, his self happiness and it didn't matter whom he hurt in the process. Incidentally he remarried one of the women he messed around with and he has nonstop cheated on her too and it's hit crisis point with them now. Very sad.
I believe some people are born to be unfaithful (as in their disposition) and others who can be influenced to do so..in the end it is a CHOICE you make to be both faithful to your spouse and also to be kind and respectful. Doing the opposite (cheating and being abusive) is a conscious choice also!
Oh, my heart breaks for you babyjen. The key thing for me here is that he is telling you that you are crazy and need to go to a mental hospital. I grew up in an abusive home and I have heard those words before. In my experience, this is the mark of a psychopath who will never ever change for the better. He is trying to make you doubt yourself, to change what you know to be true. He wants you to think that nobody will believe you. None of that is true. Get out NOW before things get worse. Your friends are wrong. Find someone who believes you and is on your side, and lean on them while you get a divorce. This is too much of a mess to fix.
I am so confused and stressed out right now, need to vent. I feel my other friends have got to the point to find me annoying....always venting. This is why I turn to wedding bee to get the strength and comfort.
The last time I commented was when my husband said he is willing to seek a marriage counselor together. Turns out he lied. He wanted to have a talk that day....it turned into an argument. He acted like a total jerk saying that I'm the one that is immature and don't know how to handle the situation. He says marriage counselor is for people like me that have insecurity issues. I gaved him the ultimatem saying he either goes or we'll get a divorce. After that day, he acted like the arguement never took place. My friends and family had said I cannot force him to go if he chooses not to.
On Monday, I finally gathered the courage to tell him how I feel. I told him I feel hurt because 1st: I feel he wants to live a single life by giving out his number and telling girls that he's single. 2nd: He is verbally abusive, always calling me names when we argue. 3rd: He got physical when we argued.
My husband said those things are all accusations and he don't believe it's true. He said if you feel those things is reasonable for you to leave this relationship, then leave. He said he has no complain on his side. So I told him I was going to leave. He then asked: have you decide when you are going to move out or if you want to stay in this house? I said I haven't decided and need a month to decide. He then asked: Who's taking what stuff? He acted like he didn't care....I don't know if he was trying to hide that. I felt he was such a jerk.
Then the next day, again he act back to normal.......all sweet and affectionate. Even Till today, our relationship has gone back to normal. It's as if he heard me vent on Monday of my complaints and now it's like he don't even think I will move out. I'm wondering if him acting all nice is his way of apology. Like through actions of love? When I told my husband on Monday that I wanted to leave I was so sure. Now things have gone back to normal my heart feels like I want to try to stay. I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I feel it is so hard to move on. I can see through his action that he knows he can't live without me. He couldn't even cook his own dinner. I think right now I might give it another try. But in the meantime, I spoke to my stepmom. She recommends me to seek a psychiatrist. She said psychiatrist is similar to a marraige counselor and that a psychiatrist can focus on my overall problems. I will see a psychiatrist to better myself and to get stronger. I will wait and see what advice my psychiatrist has to say. Maybe there is a way to work this out. Or maybe I will fully get strong and leave. I'm just so confused and undecisive right now. I'm sorry if I keep changing my mind about leaving. It's really when you love someone so much and all the memories, times we shared....it's too hard for me to just throw it away.
Thank you all for listening to me and been hear for me. I really appreciate all the support and comfort you all have given me. I will keep you guys updated on how I'm doing.
P.S. I'm curently 29 and he's 36 turning 37 in June. We got married when I was 26 and he was 34.
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Wow.
I am so sorry you're going thru this, but I have to be the voice of reason here.
His IGNORING YOUR PLEAS FOR GETTING COUNSELING OR ACCEPTING THAT HE IS THE PROBLEM is NOT AN ACT OF LOVE. It is deflecting, it is denial.
Furthemore, he should be the one to move out.
So what if he can't damn well cook his own dinner? Has he heard of stouffer's before or how to use a microwave? I'm sure some of the women he's been phoning can whip him up a hungryman frozen dinner...
I'm sorry, but YOU seeking a psychiatrist when you're being victimized by the abuser is good..but honey HE NEEDS THE REAL PROFESSIONAL HELP. You're in need of good support and maybe a counselor will be a good sounding board for you, but this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's his.
If you don't believe me about what he's doing..then go to marriagebuilders.com and post on their general questions forum.
I'm not going to be one to tell you to stay and work it out with a man who is abusive and refuses to help himself stop hurting the one he's supposed to love and honor. I won't enable that decision.
Btw, my xh also made me believe it was MY problem when HE WAS THE ENTIRE problem. It is the way they emotionally manipulate you to get their way and to be able to continue to lie, cheat, and abuse. By deflecting onto you, he keeps the power. He keeps the ability to have the upper hand and continue to do all these negative and abusive actions.
Do you really think you can go through your ENTIRE life as an adult with somebody like this by your side?
I am 100 percent PRO MARRIAGE...but when it's healthy. I do not see that at all here.
By the way, by you not allowing him to face his own problems, it is enablement. It's like saying "Ok..I love you and keep on doing whatever you're doing just so you will stay with me."
I wish you the ABSOLUTE best. Wish you healing and peace of mind and soul. I wish I could agree with your thoughts..but I just cannot in good faith.
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