Post # 1
Hi Lovely Bees,
I have a dilemma.
After well over a year of waiting for a proposal, my BF finally says to me tonight “would you like to get engaged before or after your brother’s wedding?”
Here’s my problem – my younger brother gets married in 5 weeks!!! I know he wouldn’t mind, in fact my brother would be over-joyed and it would give him some reassurance that marriage isn’t so scary (he’s terrified of his upcoming wedding, but that’s a long story, and not mine to tell). His bride however (lovely girl, but would be lovelier if she hadn’t have “trapped” my brother at the age of 20 after dating him only two months…their kid is two now) would be VERY angry, and her family would be livid. Her family are a bunch of sociopaths and they are somewhat socially powerful (only because they are bullies), and I would never escape the gossip and trouble these idiots would cause.
I have been with my partner three and a half years now. We are a good couple and both families approve. We have a relationship built on a solid grounding. We have waited until the right time for us, and it has finally arrived (financially, emotionally etc) and we will now have to wait for her family to have their “moment” (which I know they will want to drag out as long as possible). It’s really sad that it’s not even my brother and my soon-to-be-SILs moment – it’s her overbearing families moment!
I recognise that she only gets ONE day, and that my partner and I should not have to put our plan on hold just because of her family, however we are willing to wait to ensure family peace and to ensure that my brother does not suffer any repurcussions. Unfortunately they will consider anything “too close” to her wedding (including afterwards) an attention grab on my part.
BUT I DON’T WANT TO KEEP WAITING GRRRR!!!! I’ve waited so long, and so has my partner. But I also don’t want to have a tonne of people talking behind my back about my “attention grab” or “thunder stealing”.
I suggested to my partner that we get engaged now like we want too, tell his side of the family only (and let them in on the fact that my side don’t know), wait until the hubbub from her wedding has died down, and then announce it. He said he couldn’t keep his happiest secret like that, and I’m going to be wearing a very obvious rock anyway.
So, how long should I wait? Or should I even bother waiting?
Post # 3
I would say after just to be safe…but as long as it’s after, it doesn’t matter if it’s a day or a week. You can bend to her will a little but don’t compromise everything!
Post # 4
I can never understand why people are hesitant to get engaged or married around someone else’s “big day.” It’s just a wedding! What does you getting engaged have to do with their wedding IN 5 WEEKS? My wedding is next year and I couldn’t care less if someone got engaged every week until then. What’s next, telling people they can’t get pregnant because you’re pregnant???
Get engaged now.
Post # 5
What’s another 6 weeks? Wait until after. Avoid the drama.
Post # 6
I would do it now. Why put your plans on hold?
Post # 7
The only time you shouldn’t get engaged is AT someone elses wedding.
I do think that you shouldn’t be overly attention seeking about it. And if people are asking questions at her parties like rehersal dinner or something, it would be gracious to answer quickly, but then tell them that you don’t want to steal bride’s thunder.
Then you get to be engaged, and people will think you are so considerate for not wanting to steal brides thunder.
Post # 8
Get engaged now or next week, but not too close to your brother’s wedding.
Post # 9
That’s just what I was going to say. As long as you don’t do it AT their wedding (or announce it at their wedding), it’s not a big deal.
Post # 10
Normally i would say ummm they get one day, and it seems like you agree with that but realize that this bride is an exception to that rule…. If you truly think it’s best to wait until after because 5 weeks is too soon, I’d say do that. It’s really unfair that you have to, but it’s great that you don’t want to cause any problems especially for your brother.
Post # 11
I got engaged a week or 2 before a friend’s wedding. I didn’t steal the spotlight or anything, it was just a matter of timing. I feel like the only time it’s inappropriate is if he does it at a wedding related event or the wedding itself.
However, if you feel uncomfortable, I’d wait it out.
Post # 12
I think it’s very thoughtful of you to consider your brother’s wedding in all of this. But I think you and your SO should get engaged when the time is right for you two. If you’re worried about stealing the spotlight I would suggest leaving the new sparkling ering at home during your brother’s wedding.
Post # 14
If waiting till after is stll going to be an attention grab in their eyes then do it now. You have nothing to gain by waiting, it will still be considered offside by her family.
Do it now and then as PP mentioned be very low key about it and deflect attention back to the bride.
Post # 15
just get engaged. you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold. Just keep it low key and like a pp said, as long as it’s not AT their wedding (or any other wedding related event) you should be fine.
Post # 16
@beccybaby: The rule of thumb I told my thunder stealing FSIL, is that if you get engaged before the wedding, will you have a chance to see all your friends and family (who will be at the wedding), before the wedding?
If you’ll see them before, and have a chance to show off the ring, tell the story etc. Then you should be okay….
If you wont see every, single person before… then wait. Their wedding day is NOT the time to be showing off your engagement ring, or telling people the story of how it happened.