Post # 1
Title says it all. Imagine you can live anywhere and be guaranteed a nice neighborhood, a comfy living space, and a good commute in your price range, but the deciding factor is proximity to your parents or his.
Would you want to live close to them? Far away? How close or far away would make you most comfortable? Closer to yours than his? Closer to his than yours? In the comments, Why? (And in the real world with other real factors, how much do you care about this?)
In a perfect world where that was the deciding factor and all that mattered, I think DH and I would try to hit a reasonable middle distance between our parents so we could visit a little more than we do now, but a few hours away from either for sure so that nobody felt comfortable dropping in on anyone else easily, and to make it an unreasonable expectation that we’d visit every week or on some such schedule. (This goes just as much for my family as his, I love both, I’m just a hermitty homebody who likes private evenings at home.)
We’re not having kids so that support isn’t really a factor.
In the real world, however, proximity to family is proably the tiniest possible factor and doesn’t actually play into our decisions all that much, and we’d move in next door or the other side of the world if the OTHER factors were right. (In fact, we did move in on the other side of the world because the other factors were right.)
Post # 3
My in laws and my parents live in the same neighborhood. Currently, we’re in DC and they’re in Seattle, which is way too far away. LA is on our possible “next up” list, and I think that’s the perfect distance.
There would be benefits to living closer, especially when we have kids, but honestly…I don’t want my parents or my in-laws being my primary childcare. Each and every one of us has incredibly strong opinions and super direct communication styles, and I don’t want them to be involved in every parenting decision because they’re our free daycare.
Post # 4
DH and I already live far away from both sets of parents (about 4000 km away from his, and 1200 km from mine) and will probably continue to do so. Not necessarily out of any hard feelings but because both sets live in places where there is no a lot of opportunity for the life we want. His parents live in a small town with nothing, and very little jobs. My parents live in a city with quite a few jobs, but the cost of living is horrendous. I really like my inlaws, and I would like to see them a lot more than we do, but it’s expensive to fly out to see them all the time. I’d obviously like to see my parents a lot more than I do now too! What makes our situation somewhat unique is that his parents are 20 years older than mine, so we may choose to spend more time with them now, especially because they are experiencing health problems these days.
Post # 5
I would live at least 1 state away, however you don’t have a choice for “I wouldn’t want to live near his parents or my parents”
Post # 6
In a perfect world we would live closer to my parents than his. We already do live closer to mine, about 10 minutes away. We’re about 30 minutes from his mom. I can’t stand the woman so I would be happy living on the other side of the world from her, but still close to my parents.
I’m pretty sure DH would agree cause his family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma) are annoying as hell and demand things from us, but my parents are there the second you need/want them, but stay away otherwise.
Post # 7
We live close to my parents, but a 17 hour drive from his. I think I like the distance the way it is. I love my in laws, but they can be a little overbearing. We see them about 2 times a year and that is enough, for me.
I like that my parents are about an hour away. I can see my mom often, but not too often lol.
Post # 8
In a perfect world I would live a plane ride away from both sets of parents.
Post # 9
@housebee: I just meant the last two in a relative way… like if you HAD to choose who to live closer to, which set would you pick.
Post # 10
I would prefer to live closer to my in laws. Though maybe 1 hour away so they can’t just drop by unannounced. Since moving 1,000 miles away from my parents, my relationship with them improved so much. I don’t think I could go back to living less than a day’s drive from them. Maybe if they were retired and less stressed I’d want to live closer to them, but not now.
Post # 11
@Bebealways: We live exactly one mile down the street from my in-laws and it isn’t an issue at all. They are incredibly respectful and supportive of us having our own space. On the flipside we live over 500 miles away from my mother and that is close enough.
Post # 12
@Bebealways: “…would try to hit a reasonable middle distance between our parents so we could visit a little more than we do now, but a few hours away from either for sure so that nobody felt comfortable dropping in on anyone else easily, and to make it an unreasonable expectation that we’d visit every week or on some such schedule. (This goes just as much for my family as his, I love both, I’m just a hermitty homebody who likes private evenings at home.)“
In an ideal world I would want to be close enough to visit them, but far enough away that ‘popping in’ on us or requiring us to attend weekly dinners etc. isn’t something that is expected.
I think we’ll end up in the same city as his parents (who are divorced) which is about 2 hours away from where my Mum lives. I doubt his parents will ‘invade’ our privacy – we lived in the same city as them for almost two years and saw his father monthly-ish and his mother every few months.
Now if we lived near my mother, I guarantee we’d be expected to attend weekly dinners which I wouldn’t mind terribly (we both love my Mum) it’s more the turning up unannounced to our house that would drive me insane; especially once we have children.
Post # 13
@Mischka: Read “private evenings at home” as “not having to put on pants at all”
Post # 14
@Bebealways: I read it as “not having to wear a bra”, but “not having to put on pants at all” works too.
Post # 15
We live within 5 minute drive from FI’s dad and brother. It’s a bit annoying because his dad never ever calls before he stops by. That bothers me, I’d like at least 5 minutes notice so I can put some pants on.
My FI’s mom lives about 30 minutes away and visit her every Sunday. She never just comes over and she always calls. I love it. I love her too. My mom passed away 7 years ago and Fi’s mom is there for me and although she can never replace my own she sure makes stuff easier.
My dad lives 800 miles away and I miss him dearly. I wish he could live closer. If I had to choose though, I’d chose FI’s mom over my dad.
My sister lives on another continent and I wish she lived closer too, but again, I’d chose FI’s mom over her as well.
Now my best friend lives about 100o miles away but is moving about 3 hours away. We are actually going to move to be closer to her. Like half way between her and my FI’s mom. That will be the perfect set up I think.
Post # 16
We currently live 6 hours away from my parents and 45 minutes away from FI’s mother. I wish we lived a few hours closer to my parents. We already see FMIL a lot compared to my family, so I don’t want to live closer, but I don’t want to move further away to escape her either. She is a loving and supportive mother, if a bit clingy for my tastes. His whole family can get that way.
Eh, when you grow up and start a family and run your own household, I feel like absence makes the heart grow fonder. There are times when I have really wanted FI’s family to back off and let us be independent adults, something my parents did as soon as I left for college, and my relationship with my parents is amazing (I get that correlation doesn’t imply causation, but still… their hands-off approach has worked GREAT).
We aren’t very likely to move closer to either set of parents. My parents live in my hometown, which while gorgeous, has limited employment opportunities for FI and I. FI’s mother lives in his hometown, which holds zero attraction for either of us for countless reasons. She may move closer to us as she gets older, but she’s got a solid job and a house so she’s set for now. We’ll see what happens when we start popping out grandchildren.