Post # 1
Just curious about how your parents came to conclusions about what they wanted to contribute, if at all. Did you ask them? Did they come forward with a specific amount? How long after the proposal did it happen?
We’ve been engaged about 3 weeks and have looked at 6 venues so far. Everything is booking up quick and we DO NOT want to extend our engagement over a year. We need money to put a deposit down on a place so we can start planning. But the fact that we don’t have a budget yet is stressing us out.
My mom sent me a check this week for $450. Every little bit helps, of course. His parents are a lot more well off than mine and have indicated in the past (before we were engaged) that they’d contribute to our wedding. I can’t imagine starting a more awkward conversation …”Hey sooooo how much money are you going to give us for our wedding?”
Should we just wait until they bring it up or should FI talk to them? What is a gracious way he can ask them?
Post # 3
We aren’t asking… which means we’re assuming we’re paying for everything 100%. If they offer, they offer but I don’t feel like it’s our place to ask.
My mom has sent us a $200 check but they are not set financially and wouldn’t expect (or accept) any more from them. FI’s parents haven’t offered anything and while they are financially stable, we aren’t going to expect anything.
My advice is to book what you can afford. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories where parents said they’d contribute X amount and then only ended up giving a portion, if any, of it.
Post # 4
My future-in-laws just brought it up out of the blue with fiance, but as for a way to bring it up? Maybe have your fiance talk to them on his own about how you were looking at reception venues, drop some comments about costs, etc. Maybe even just say that you guys are planning on a small wedding for budgeting reasons?
Obviously, they are not obligated to pay for any of it, so the best you can really do is drop hints and, if you don’t hear anything, definitely budget within what you can afford. Having said that, though, I wouldn’t add their money to your budget until they’ve actually given you the money – there’s nothing worse than booking something you think you can afford, then having the in-laws unable to pay up!
Post # 5
Mine is a different situation, I’m an only child so it was always assumed my parents would pay for my wedding, they’ve joked about it all my life. It was actually one of the first things my Dad said when we told them about the engagement (“Good thing I just refinanced the house!”) as we had been together 6.5 years so it was no surprise we were getting married. My parents initiated all discussion of what the budget would be.
I would just talk about the venues you’re looking at and mention the deposits like “we really like this one but they need a $500 deposit now and this other one only needs $300 but we don’t like it as much” and see how that leads conversation.
Post # 6
Fi’s parents came to us, we knew they would be contributing something, FFIL brought it up to FI on his own. As for my family, I asked my dad before getting engaged if he would be planning on helping us out with it, he said then that if he can afford it he will. Since we got engaged I’ve been hinting at my dad about contributing, he’s been working non-stop all summer, and I know ulitmately he would go to my grandparents for money if he cant give us some himself, which he should be able to. I don’t care how much any side contributes, I just care that if they are going to I would like to know the amounts so we can factor that into our budget. I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to come right out and aask him about it. We are trying to keep everything to $10,000 or under, and have already decided to cut some things out and not waste the money.
Post # 7
About a month into our engagement my moto gave us a check for the wedding. I didn’t ask and I would’ve been uncomfortable asking. FI’s parents havent said anything and I’m assuming that they are not contributing.
I would not ask because money is a private matter. If they contribute, awesome, but if not you should assume that you are financing your own wedding.
Post # 8
We didn’t bring it up. My dad just offered when we went to breakfast. As far as I know Fi also let his parents bring it up. I think the best case scenario is to not expect anything and perpare yourself for the fact that your parents or future inlaws may not have the funds or want to contribute.
I think it’s best to ask them if they want to contribute, and maybe have your Fi do it alone and you do it alone with your parents so they don’t feel on the spot.
Post # 9
Actually..it was my COUSIN who poked my mum about it..”You’re paying for Rivendeler’s dress, right??????”. My mum didn’t say a word to me but my cousin did . So, on my first wedding dress trial i took both my mum and sister with me (sad experience, they both don’t have a speck of romance in them..) and when we were lookin gat prices my mum said “Well, you know we’re paying for the dress, don’t you??” “Who, me???? Nooooooooo, i did not!!” . So i respected her budgeted, though i paid for the veil, shoes myself.
In the end, a few days before the wedding, my father gave me an envelope saying “this is a little help for the wedding expenses”, which blew me away..sure, it wasn’t a HUGE amount but as i wasn’t expecting anything else, was really grateful..
His dad gave my DH an envelope the day before the wedding with the same amount of money my parents gave us! All came as a surprise..it did help pay the honeymoon!
Post # 10
Shortly after we got engaged, my parents volunteered a number of what they would be willing to contribute. FI’s parents immediately started talking about hosting the rehearsal dinner, and later offered a bit of money towards the wedding itself.
Post # 11
No one from my side is contributing, as far as I know. FI’s dad and stepmom flat out offered to help us out (and actually, what they gave towards his brother’s wedding would pay for 90% of ours). FI’s mom has mentioned it here and there, and paid for 2/3 of my dress, but nothing else (then again, there’s not really anything to pay right now). Other than that, we’re not asking. I know FI’s dad and stepmom want to pay more (they paid the deposit on our reception), but I can’t even of how to bring up that a payment’s due for x (our reception venue has a payment plan laid out).
Post # 12
@missjuli: I think your FI can totally bring it up in a round-about way. Perhaps he could ask them for a list of people his parents would like included in the wedding, if space is available. He could say something like, “Right now, our budget is 5000 (or whatever the two of you can afford), and we anticipate being able to invite 100 guests (or however many). That would leave room for 30 (pick a number, maybe between 25%-33% of the total guest list, to be for groom’s family) family members and family friends from our side of the family.” Then, if they’re planning on contributing, they might chime in during that conversation, since it’d be clear that you need to know your budget in order to make guest list choices, plan the venue size, etc!
Post # 13
After we got engaged, my dad said “now we have to plan a wedding!” and invited us over for dinner to talk about budget. I’d scoped venues online but didn’t get attached to anything because I didn’t know what kind of budget he was thinking. After we had the budget talk, I proceeded with planning. If he hadn’t offered, I wouldn’t have asked and we would have eloped on what we could afford ourselves (which would have been the better plan, I am so over planning for 137 people).
FH’s parents didn’t offer and we didn’t ask so honestly, if it were me, I wouldn’t ask either.
Post # 14
hmm that’s a tough one. I think you assume you are paying 100% until someone offers it up. I’m not sure you can ask. But, then again I’m not really sure since I’ve never been in the situation. I just always knew my parents would be paying for it. His parents offered to pay for flowers and rehersal dinner when they met my parents. Had they not offered anything though, we certainly wouldn’t have asked.
Post # 15
DH and I lived together for years, so my parents would constantly ask us WHEN (we were getting married/engaged) and they would always say “we’ll pay for your wedding, JUST GET MARRIED” lol. They obviously weren’t thrilled we lived together while unmarried.
When we *finally* got engaged I just asked my dad flat out about my wedding fund. It was known he had money set aside for both my sister and I. So he told us what the amount was and wrote us a check. It was very generous, but in the end our wedding cost twice that amount he so generously gave us and that difference came out of my and DH’s pocket.
My in laws would make comments like “let us know if we needed any money”. Which well, we didn’t *need* their money so we never let them know. So in the end they did not contribute financially to our wedding. Which was completely fine with us.
Post # 16
I have to admit, I’m also totally scared of having to pay for it ourselves. I don’t have a very good car or a very well paying job. FI and I have discussed our next financial goal together- getting me a reliable car to drive (the one I have now is 20 years old. FI has 2 cars). If that’s the case, we’ll put some of our funds together and hopefully purchase it in November.
With the car as priority #1 and if we’re paying for the wedding all on our own, it won’t be a very lavish affair. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to just be getting MARRIED! I know my family won’t care if the reception is in a VFW but what I’m worried about is what HIS side will think! Plus, I know FI wants it to be a big deal complete with open bar and filet mignon. Since my family doesn’t have much to contribute, I feel bad that he won’t get his big special day or that his rich relatives will be eating off of chinet and it’s all my fault.