How did we even get to this point?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

First off, I’m really sorry to hear all this. And I don’t think you did anything wrong (yet). I suggest you don’t spend any time alone with any men until you sort it out with your FI one way or another. You’re right.. you might just be enjoying the male attention and not actually have feelings for this other guy. It’s good that nothing sexual happened. I wouldn’t mention this to your FI.

You’re definitely between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, it’s not your job to fix him.. but on the other hand, you shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life with a guy who blows hot/cold. Mental illness is so difficult. Like how much of this is him, and how much of it is the illness talking? I am not really sure what I would do. Maybe one more chance?

Post # 5
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

mmm hard choice my mom is mentally ill hot and cold, shes a little diffrent but I cant even stand when my FH gets remotely grumpy with me. I wouldnt do well with that, life is to short. but if you truly think that you can work it out, its work one more shot. But for me I would have ended it long ago. 

Post # 6
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@beegoneanon8765:  This has to be so hard for you. I wish I could come up with some good advice, but I really can’t. Just know that whatever decision you make is yours to make… you have given this a lot of thought, and sometimes you need to do what’s best for you. You’ve tried so hard to make this work. You can keep trying.. but at some point (maybe not now) you need to protect your own sanity.

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry to hear. It must b so difficult. I think it’s best to stay away from male company in order to work this out with a clear head. You’re probably deprived of make attention and affection and rightfully so wen you get it from someone else it feels good. But it’s only going to confuse you more. Take some time to think about what you truly want and need to be happy long term. best of luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Wait for your FI to give you his answer on the date that you specified. As for your friend, crushes are normal no matter how much you love your partner. Don’t read too much into it. The contact you had with this friend was also inappropriate. Hiking alone, talking about your relationships, feeling energy… that’s the beginnings of infidelity right there. Be careful.

Depression is hard. Being with someone with depression is also hard. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. If he cannot commit to a new wedding date, then I 100% agree with breaking it off. Give him a chance, though, since you already discussed this with him.

Post # 9
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@beegoneanon8765:  i don’t see you being an idiot anywhere in your post – you’re going through a really turbulent time and saw an old friend and have acknowledged that maybe it’s not a great idea if you’re concerned about developing a crush. that’s mature and responsible – not idiotic so don’t beat yourself up.

i’m really sorry that this is happening – mental health is hard. it’s hard to treat, understand, deal with and measure, and it’s hard on the patient and their loved ones. 

is it possible that you and your fi can get some counselling together to work through why he’s having anxiety and cold feet? It can be very easy for depressed people to become overwhelmed with the emotion of anxiety, sadness etc and to not be able to explore why they feel that way. 

is your fi still seeing his doctors and staying on his treatment? is he committed to treatment and recovery?

Post # 11
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Your FI has mental illness. I’m not putting him down just stating the facts.  My mother suffered for years.  I hated to see her like that.  She would go along fine for a while then the depression would be awful.  I think you need to decide if this is something you can live with.  Without his medication this may be something you will unexpectedly face again in the future.  

Post # 12
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@beegoneanon8765:  i see that you replied to pps that he refuses to consider couples counselling – i would sit down and have a serious talk about how much he values your relationship (i’m sure very highly), and how when you have something that valuable that’s in trouble, you should do everything you can to try and protect it (ie – counselling). 

 

i think it’s troubling that he doesn’t have the attitude of, ‘let’s do whatever it takes to fix this’ – he has a clear limit of what he’s willing to do to ‘save’ the relationship. he may not realise that that is how his refusal comes across, so i’d phrase it that way to him and see if he changes his mind. 

Post # 15
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I feel like you need to decide if you can deal with this type of thing for the rest of your lives together. Even if he does get back to being himself, what if he regrets marrying you after the fact when he goes through another spell of depression. Or if he becomes depressed if you ever decide to have children. I understand that this is a mental illness, and it’s not his fault, but you have to think of yourself here. 

Post # 16
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Given your situation, I think your reaction to your old friend is rather natural. It’s not just him, but what he represents – a fresh start, the excitement and also the easiness of a new relationship without the baggage of your current one. I wouldn’t beat yourself up for wanting that, especially when your bf is considering a second postponement. 

It sounds like you have a good plan in place, that you’re giving your FI plenty of time to work through this and make an honest decision. You’ve given your FI nothing but support in his illness, but you also deserve commitment and stability. Not everyone who suffers from depression can give that to their partner. I’ve always thought that if my anxiety was worse than it is, I wouldn’t be cut out for a long term relationship. That’s why I try everything I can to manage what I do have and put my relationship first, but for some people that’s just not possible, no matter how hard they try. 

I’d use this time to regroup yourself and think, as hard as it is, of what you want if he does back out again. You can come up with a plan of other goals that will give you a fresh start – like training for a new sport or volunteering at a new organization or something so it doesn’t feel like your just counting down the days until the deadline. I’m so sorry you’re in such a tough spot and I hope things get easier for you both.

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