How did we skip this convo? / Living together before marriage (long, sorry)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you move in together before an engagement/marriage?
    Yes, and I'm glad we did. : (195 votes)
    75 %
    Yes, but I regret doing so. : (4 votes)
    2 %
    No, and I'm glad we didn't. : (49 votes)
    19 %
    No, but I wish we had. : (4 votes)
    2 %
    Obligatory other? : (9 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    917 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @Dogsbody92:  You really need to talk to him about why he is so adamant against moving in before a ring is exchanged. It seems like you’ve already agreed to marry, so by some accounts you’re already engaged, just without a visible token. Perhaps that will appease him?

    Me? I moved in with FI 3ish years before he proposed (and 3 years after we started dating). My mother’s reaction, when I told her of our plans, was to exclaim, “But you’ll learn all his bad habits!” Er… yeah. That’s the point… We are both definitely glad we chose this path. We settled in fairly quickly and have had little to no drama. It’s been wonderful acting as a team and really learning about one another in a way that we didn’t when we lived separately. In the end, we’re looking forward to the wedding less as a seismic shift and more as a celebration of our continued commitment. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    9226 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2018

    FI and I didn’t move in together before getting engaged, we don’t live together, but we will move in together before we get married, we currently live with our respective parents. I think it is important for US to live together before we get married, but for other couples that may not be the right step for them.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1060 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    We moved in together after we got engaged. I don’t regret it at all. We found that we are really compatible. If we weren’t, I would’ve liked to have known before I signed up for forever.

    I know a bunch of my friends who moved in after they got married and they’re always surprised that their significant other isn’t the same as when they’re living apart. “Oh, I never knew he was THIS messy or had that annoying morning bathroom habit!!” 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1103 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    We lived together as a dating couple, and are now engaged, this week will be two years of cohabitation, and five months of engagement!  I am so glad we have had this time to really get to know one another inside and out, in a way you only ever do once you live together.  It teaches you to fight better (you can’t leave or take a few days to not see each other), to know what you both think about household mgmt (who takes out the trash?  Who pays the bills?), and prepares you for the rest of your life with that person.  In two years we have spent three nights apart, (2 for a work trip and 1 for a mother-daughter trip).

    That being said, I know some people who were uncomfortable moving in before engage/marriage, namely my sister.  I asked her after they were married a few months, what it was like to now live with her husband for the first time, and she said what I said above, that they learned to fight better, divide chores, and such, but it all felt extra special due to them being married. 

    So, as in all things, it turns out there is no wrong way, only your way.  As for who concedes, I think that’s clear- neither.  If he doesn’t want to move in, you can’t force him.  And if you want to live together first, you would say No if he were to propose (if it’s that important to you).  So, neither will get their way, if that’s the case.

    Instead, once he proposes, and you say Yes, you should both be comfortable moving in after that (he said engage/marriage right?  Not just marriage?).  An engagement isn’t legally binding, and you get your time to then know him “100%”  Win, win?

    Post # 7
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @Dogsbody92:  We started living together before we got engaged. However, we had been dating five years before hand so it just felt like the right step. We have been living together over two years now and I dont’ regret it one bit.

    I feel like you really get to know a person by living with them. I always say it’s like having a slumber party each night with your best friend 🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    872 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @Dogsbody92:  I wasn’t willing to move in with FI until he proposed. I felt that I needed more of a commitment and was afraid of all the horror stories of girls moving in with a SO and SO never proposing because he had everything he wanted without having to formally commit. I’m not washing your undies/dishes without a ring. Wink

    Post # 9
    Member
    584 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I think it can lead to (guys especially) people getting too comfortable in a relationship and just slogging along for years without knowing where it’s going…if someone knows they don’t WANT to get married anytime soon that can be fine, but if not it can cause problems.

    That doesn’t sound like it would be a problem for you guys though!

    Post # 10
    Member
    1332 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @stephee:  “Instead, once he proposes, and you say Yes, you should both be comfortable moving in after that (he said engage/marriage right?  Not just marriage?).  An engagement isn’t legally binding, and you get your time to then know him “100%”  Win, win?”

    I agree here. If he is OK with moving in after engagement, then that could be the compromise. I really don’t think this is something to break up over if everything else is kosher.

    I know people who lived together before who have lovely marriages and people who did not live together before who have lovely marriages. I don’t think it makes a difference.

     

     

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    169 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @Dogsbody92:  I’m with you on this! I couldn’t imagine marrying someone I’d never lived with – and properly lived with as in just the two of you.

    I’ve lived with my partner for 5 years already, and we’re pre-engaged in that we’ve discussed it to the nth degree and know that’s where we’re heading. We’re currently saving up for a deposit to buy a house, so it also makes financial sense. Personally I also think it’s something special that we’re preparing for our whole married life together – not hanging everything on one day.

    So I don’t think you’re alone in your opinion, but I guess you need to speak to your partner about this. Work out where you both stand and if there’s compromise there. Good luck x

    Post # 12
    Member
    2325 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I do not live with my fiancé at present because of personal beliefs on the subject. However, the house I currently live in (I moved since we got engaged) is the house that we own together and he will move himself in after the wedding, although various bits of property are already appearing!!

    I have absolutely no qualms about not living together, we’ve been together for over 3 years so we are starting to learn each other’s bad habits already (he knows more of mine than I do of his I think). I think it’s just part of growing together as a couple – you learn each other’s habits and you learn to deal with them.

    You say that you would always want to live with someone before you marry them, ok fair enough. But is this because you want to see what you’re letting yourself in for…give you a chance to back out before it becomes legal… Or because you want to get past the “negative” aspect of living together (learning faults, dealing with them etc,) before you begin your married life. 

    They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, they probably mean the first year of living together!

    Post # 13
    Member
    1110 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    FI and I did not live together before we got engaged (and we currently do not live together, in fact we both still live at home while we finish up our final year of school).  I prefered not to live with him until we were engaged, he would have prefered to but it makes no sense to rent/buy a place now together when our parents are very old fashioned in that sense, and let us save up now while we’re in school, rent free. We will move in together about 5-8 months before the wedding.

    I think in the end, there is no right or wrong on how you do it.  I will say though that if a couple doesn’t move in together before engagement/marriage, they should at least spend a great deal of time together to get the feel of what it’s like and communicate on how bills will be shared, etc. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    699 posts
    Busy bee

    @Dogsbody92:  i would never spend $20 000 on a car and not take it  for a test drive first. Marriage is the same way. i think living together BEFORE marriage is a great, wonderful idea!! See if you can effectively live together, ne with each other 24/7, paying bills, doling chores, and all other things without the fur flying!! it’s very smart in my mind.

    I’ve lived with guys before and have learned from each one. now, with Matt, i know we can live together and marriage will be fine.

    Post # 16
    Member
    7258 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I voted other. We basically lived together before getting engaged, but we both still had our own rooms we paid rent for at separate houses. We didn’t move into the same house until just after getting engaged. I would say Yes, we lived together before getting married, but it wasn’t a requirement. I would have been equally okay with only moving in together after we were married.

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