(Closed) how did you and your SO decide where to live? (vent)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7468 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

That’s a tough one. Neither FI or I are particularly set on staying close to our families, and we actually both want to move out of California. FI is applying for a job in North Carolina, and we’re both really on the same page and hoping it works out. I can’t imagine not agreeing on something so important. I’m sorry 🙁

Post # 4
Member
3825 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mrsrecon:  Well, I think that if you guys agree to move to Florida, the reality is that you will not be able to rely on his parents. You will have to find other means to help you with your growing family (sitter, nanny, etc) in case it’s needed. Perhaps that’s something that you will have to discuss with him. 

As for me, our decision is pretty simple. I own a house. My FI lives in an apartment around the corner so he’s moving in with me. I’m going to put his name on the house as co-owner. My parents live 10 minutes away. We’re both very family oriented so we will have my parents nearby as we grow our own family – at least for the first few years. 

We have talked about starting a downpayment fund for a new (bigger) house still in MD but the location is TBD. We will rent out my house. 

Post # 5
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Where we live is dictated by the military right now.  We are trying to move to FL (if the military lets us).  My family lives there and I am very close with them.  His family lives in MI and I while visiting is fine, I can’t stand the cold and snow and just don’t ever see myself living in MI.  We will take things as they come.

Post # 6
Member
9061 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I didn’t have a choice. My husband is in the Navy and he is stationed here in Oklahoma. He couldn’t come to me, so I had to go to him.

Truthfully, my mother (especially) needed to have me leave. We are very close, and have a fantastic relationship, but my mother is very clingy and very helicopter mom. She calls me at least twenty times a day (Not exaggerating in the slightest, unfortunately) just to see what I’m doing.

I’m a firm believer that every little bird needs to spread their wings and fly. I’m not saying that you need to move miles and miles and miles away from your family, but sometimes it’s best if you can just get away and have a little area that is “yours.”

It’s scary, living so far away from your family and anyone you’ve ever known. My husband’s parents live one town away from my parents, so we’re the same distance away from both of them. But, you know what? We get to be ourselves here without anybody dropping in randomly, or hounding us to do things their way (This would be moreso my mother than his parents.)

I have a pretty non-mainstream family, so my situation is probably a lot different than yours, but I really enjoy living away from my family. My stomach ulcers have gone, I’ve had less chest pains (which my doctor chalked up to stress) and I’ve had a lot less migrains. So, I suppose being away from my family is good for my health.

When children come along, it’ll be a lot more difficult since they are so far away.

My advice to you is to ease up on your SO. He’s allowed to change his mind and his opinion. Sure, his mom may not be the best person in the world, but she is his mother. You understand that despite pitfalls and downsides, a mother is still your mother. You need to be understanding with him and realize that, while you want to be close to your family, this isn’t about you anymore. This is about what is best for you both as a couple.

Post # 7
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

My husband is originally from New Jersey (he was living in Queens when we met) and I am from Florida. He moved down here because I was graduating college right before the wedding and had a steady job that I couldn’t leave in teaching (plus being close to my mom who I am extremely close to). He had a job, but was also floundering a little in career direction, so it was actually simpler for him to come down here and iron out his career plans than stay in New York and flounder.

He desperately misses the tristate area, and really dislikes Florida. He was pretty miserable in the very beginning, although he had actually lived down here for high school when his family decided to relocate for about 3 years so he was no stranger to the area and he did have some friends here. Now we are thinking of moving somewhere together to a community we like and can see ourselves raising kids in. Although Florida is my home, I would like a different environment to raise kids in.

At first, we were thinking Jersey and some other places where we have no family. Then it happened that my mom will be moving to Baltimore within a year or two and we have decided to check it out. We think we may move with her there so that we can still be close to family (we’re the closest with her out of all our parents) and have a community that pleases us. Plus we’ll only be 3 hours from New York, and his family (besides his mom who is now living in South Carolina, but we obviously can’t let the location of all of our family dictate where we live). If my mom was not moving though we still would be making the decision to move. For us it was all about compromise (I would never live in New York and he doesn’t like Florida, so we tried to find communities that blended what both of us are used to) and perhaps you and your fiance need to find a place that you can both call home, as opposed to it just being “your” home or “his” home. 

Post # 8
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

We met in Chicago and that’s where we still live – he’s been here his whole life and I’ve been here for almost 15 years.  

We both have jobs where we need to be in big cities – him even more than me.  There are only a few places in the world where he can work in his specialized field – Chicago, New York, London, Dubai, maybe Singapore or Hong Kong.

That being said, I have really been itching to move back to Indiana where I’m from to be closer to my sister and 3 nieces (and my mom and dad).  I would love to be around all of them more and I really miss them.  I’d be happy to get a different job, but I don’t know that H could make it work – he might be able to telecommute, but his chances of advancement in the company would be almost none in that case.  And there’s NOTHING he could do in small-town Indiana where he could earn as much as he does here – not even close.  

So for now I’ll settle for road trips!  I’m taking 2 months off (paid!) this summer, so I’m looking forward to some quality family time.

Post # 11
Member
9061 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@mrsrecon:  Hey, I can relate. My mom and I have a great relationship and we’re very close. I tell her everything… mostly. She’s a really great mom and I adore her… but getting away from her was the best thing I ever did. She is by no means a cruel or vicious woman, but she did attempt to be very manipulative in subtle ways (“If I were you I’d do…” or she would get very upset/take personal offense to something I said/did/what have you.)

I’m a homebody. Before I started dating my husband, I was living at home in a long distance relationship relationship that was going nowhere and I was going to settle for because starting a relationship with anyone else would be a pain in the ass.

I was comfortable. I worked hard, but for the most part, I had no worries (Lots of stress, but no worries.) I was financially supported, I had a safety net in case something went wrong, and if I ever needed someone, I had my family right there.

But, man. I wasn’t me, you know? It doesn’t really make sense to say it that way. I wasn’t really able to live up to who I as a person, am. When I moved away from my family, I was no longer under their influence (Mostly my mother. My father was a very laid back “whatever.” kind of guy who supported me getting the hell out of there) and I really began to shine.

Ultimately, you’ll always have that support group and that safety net. No matter where you live, your family is always going to support you, and if they’re able, financially as well.

I’m not going to tell you that your situation will end up like mine. Was moving away a lot less painful, terrible and awful than I thought? ABSOLUTELY! It’s been an absolute blessing. I have my home, I have my life, I have my family… it’s great! Sure, I still get lonely, but truthfully, I haven’t been homesick at all since I moved out in June. It probably won’t be as bad as you’re making it up to be. But, you only live once, so why not walk out on that branch and see if you can fly?

Best wishes to you and your SO. Do what’s best for you, and I so, so, so know how difficult it is to say, “We need to do this for us.” without any influence from anyone in your life. I so get that. But, you really need to put your mind in a little tiny box and say, “We need to do this for us because of ” I’m not saying you need to stop thinking about your parents, or stop wanting to live relatively close by, but at the end of the day, what’s going to be best for you as a couple?

 

TL;DR: I was scared to move away from my family because we’re really close. It wasn’t as bad as I was working myself up that it was.

Post # 12
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@mrsrecon:  So you two need to come up with a compromise of somewhere else to live that isn’t New York or Florida if you don’t want to be in Florida. 

Post # 13
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That’s a tough decision. Sounds like you’ll both have to compromise or neither of you will be happy. We decided pretty easily. DH doesn’t care to much about staying close to his family, but I care a lot about staying near mine. My family also had just inherited a house + land and we wanted to keep it in the family. We’ve lived here for a year now and are going to officially buy the house in our names from my family & put an addition on it. We initally weren’t sure if we would stay in this house or buy one nearby. But because it’s very important to my family that this property stays in our family, we’ve all been deciding who will take the house. My brother decided he didn’t want to buy it, and we were deciding back & forth if my parents would sell their house and move here or if DH & I would buy the house. But it looks like it’s settled now.

Post # 14
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrsrecon:  THis is a big deal and something you guys definitely need to work out before gettin gmarried.  

A lot can happen in a few years – he may change his mind, you may change yours, but you’ll never know until you get there.  If you guys were open to different possibilities I would say not to worry about it until the time, but it seems he is pretty adamant on FL and you are adamanet on NC.

I thikn it’s unfair for either one of you to dictate where you live based on your relationships with your  family – at some point, the cords need to be cut and you guys need to do what is best for you as a couple.  Maybe that’s moving halfway between, maybe it’s not.  It’s a decision you need to both agree on though and you can’t force on another into it and you both need to be open minded to all the possibilities.

I think you guys really should just see where jobs land you to be honest.  The job market sucks and you may not be able to find work in Florida.  Not sure what kind of work either of you do, but a very well educated friend of mine lived in florida for over a year and couldn’t find work, so she had to move across the country for a job and leave her husband behind at his job.  You just can’t bank on getting a job where you currently live.

 Fortunately for us, it was easy.  FI was born and raised here, I came for school and never left because I love it.  FI never wants to move and neither do I.

Post # 15
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

The way I see it, no move is permanent. He stayed in NC to be with you (and you near your family); now it’s your turn to take one for the team and move for college/be near his family for a while, on the caveat that in 4 years when his degree is finished you reevaluate. Who knows what you will want in 4 years, whether you will be happy or miserable in FL? Neither of you need to have unyielding plans to stay in FL/move back to NC – this is a bridge you can cross when the time comes.

My DH (then BF) moved across the country for undergrad when we were younger; we were not engaged, although as we became more serious we decided that once college was over, I was going to graduate school and he was following me, since I gave him that 4 years to follow his undergrad dreams. I have no flipping clue where we will move after that, but will take whichever option affords both of us the best career opportunities and general happiness in QOL. We are both close to our families but also maintain a degree of independence; between text, calls, FaceTime, and Skype, we are very active in our families but are not dependent on being in the same physical room (although you would be if you wanted them to watch your kids, lol).

All that to say – why don’t you both just keep an open mind and try this new adventure? After school, you can reevaluate what you want and start the more long-term home process, but for now it seems pretty clear what’s best for you as a couple.

Post # 16
Member
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Can you maybe find neutral ground? Somewhere between FL and NY? I don’t think it’s fair that you guys had a discussion and now he’s backing out, although that’s just an opinion. For me it was easy: It was like DH and I switched cities. I never wanted to go back, although I was really close with my parents, but when he asked me to marry him I gave up a house and job to go back. Wouldn’t change it for the world now.

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